Read an Excerpt
On the Journey
The Art of Living with Breast Cancer
By Cynthia Thomas Balboa Press
Copyright © 2014 Cynthia Thomas
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4525-9527-6
CHAPTER 1
The Process: Art has been my life. In 2006,I had a rough time. I was unable to create anything. The block was broken when I challenged myself to do a pastel drawing every day. The routine I developed was to write three pages every morning, inspired by The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. I would do my prayers and gratitude list and then I present my Self to the white paper. My pastels are laid out like a rich rainbow in their carrying case. I reach for whichever color catches my attention. I then cover the entire sheet of paper with that color. It sets the tone for the morning's work.
I sought to understand what I was doing and why, and found that I was on a Chakra Journey. I studied the Chakra color energies to better understand them: 1st Chakra - Root - red, 2nd Chakra - Creativity/Sexuality- orange, 3rd Chakra - Solar plexus/Power - yellow, 4th Chakra - Heart/Love - green, 5th Chakra - Voice - bright blue, 6th Chakra - Third Eye/Insight - indigo blue, 7th Chakra - Crown/ Thought - violet. Source/God/Higher Power is white. Often issues would come up and shine through the colors I picked that morning. I draw using lines, forms and colors. I rarely draw representational figures or scenes. I feel the energy and allow it to dictate the healing or the adjustments I need to make in my thinking.
My conscious goal is to move the toxic negative energies out of my body, mind and spirit and put the healing energies onto the paper. By moving the negativity out, I open my heart to the positive. At the heart of nearly all my mandalas, I bring in the Light. I begin with the pure connection to Source through my soul, my heart of hearts, where we all have this core of pure innocence connected to Source. The core can be deeply buried in the scar tissue of abuse, neglect, abandonment, etc. but it is there in each and every one's heart of hearts. Reaching the core enlightens us to our amazing power and the possibilities in Life.
Creating a discipline is the best way to start a creative journey. To engage in art five elements are needed, not necessarily in this order: discipline, focus, patience, mastery and faith. These are what I strive to achieve.
I do the Mandalas for my Self. It is the meditation I use to go deep in my soul to heal. The words are my way to share the Journey with others. Each person, on their own path, may find healing with the images and/or the words. It has been both an inner and an outer experience, putting words to what I was experiencing through the drawing. This is why I have shared the Journey with friends and now in this book, to the world.
Mandala: the definition: "symbol representing self: in Jungian psychology, a symbol representing the self and inner harmony". I use the circle for containment of my Self. I wish for each and everyone to achieve their path through whatever creative process works for them. This one works for me.
First Day On the Journey: Protective Cloud. The picture is the first of my Tumor pictures. Strange, it is the same shape as the cloud in my right eye from the retinal stroke last year. A lump was revealed: Right breast. I had a biopsy. Results found cancer. I am scheduled for a mastectomy. I am sorry to shock you. I am in a good place and after all the tests, so far, I am in good shape. Funny how, in light of all this, my priorities are rapidly shifting. The next weeks are full of stuff, things to do: paper and final for the graduate class I was taking; featured artist at Gallery 9 in Port Townsend, which includes finishing a couple of major new pieces and the First Saturday Art Walk; I was supposed to be the speaker at the local art guild, to name the big things. The "little stuff" is my job as a counselor and I have a number of private clients that I am seeing, besides the group I facilitate. So, I have got to clear my schedule and get this taken care of, heal, and resume where I left off.
Isn't life amazing? For some reason Hawaii, or Mexico, or Costa Rico, tropical places with quiet beaches and blue, warm water sound really good right now. Well, my way of handling the news was to pick up Ben and Jerry's Coffee Heath Bar Crunch for me, and a dozen roses for John. We ate ice cream, admired the roses and talked about all the "what's next" stuff. We talked about how I was going to tell whom. About my concern how our son, Michael would handle the news; how our daughter, Elise, might take it badly with her husband off fishing (his job); how my friends were going to take the news. "How" has been to just say it, how it is. I am having surgery then I will look at what is next, what the doctor says from the outcome of the surgery. One day at a time. Thank you for your prayers and positive energy. Thank you for ALL for your loving support. WOW! Such beautiful words, thoughts, offerings and love. It is the truest existential high; I feel this amazing sense of belonging. One cannot ask for more than that. I AM NOT ALONE! I share this love back to all of my friends and family. Thank you All.
On the Journey: "Not So Twins". Yellow is the color for the Solar Plexus, Seat of Power. The clouds are part of the New Journey. I am so grateful for all the support, prayers and Angels I have received. I feel a marvelous sense of connectedness to all that is around me. Thank you. I have lots to do and am doing the best I can. Feeling the impending loss, feeling the need for some solitude and being with everyone, all at once. This process of decision-making that will affect my life, my health, and future in the most advantageous, highest, continuous quality of Life is really hard. My mind gets flooded with all the information and I work hard to stay focused on all the healthiest ways of coping with the stress. The different Doctors put their own type of pressures on me and don't always give me answers I can understand, or maybe that I don't want to hear. Though, at this time, as far as we all know, they will cut out all the cancer. The Radiology Oncologist will confirm that I am cancer free, to the best of her ability, with scans and whatever means she has available. Then we decide the best treatment path. I read two different studies that say the likelihood of the cancer recurring is at its highest in the next two years. Then the percentages for recurrence fall off rapidly to less and less likelihood of it recurring. The studies were done over a period of ten years. This is very heartening. These studies were with no treatment, and radiology only. So, I am reading and thinking and researching. I knew at completion of the piece that I needed to release this energy, let go of the feelings of confusion and know that what I need to learn is here. I am open to the best Path for me. The present is HERE, NOW. I am going to work for a while in the garden grounding myself in the earth! Enjoying the Sunny Days!! I do the art nearly everyday. The art has that quality of an interesting way of dealing with this recovering process. Strength is the lesson we learn when we really need it. Each day is special. Acceptance for What Is. Love for All That Is. Gratitude for All That Is. Thank you for being here!
On the Journey: Insight Creativity. It really is a lovely piece. The biopsy aggravated my breast and it is uncomfortable. The surgery has been postponed a little. Ain't it grand. The surgeon fired me as a patient because I was too weird. I wanted the tissue back from the surgery for cremation, so it could later be joined with the rest of me when all my ashes are put in the ocean. He just couldn't handle that request. I have to start over with the new doctor. It is upsetting. The new surgeon is a woman and has no problem or issue with my request but she may not be able to schedule my surgery until, more likely, the following week. Recovery time is really not all that long, as I will be having nothing else done. So I need patience. Seems silly of me, to be so stubborn. No: Obdurate. It just is the way I am. I projected too much on the Doctor, thinking he would understand. Oh, Well. I am fine, just had to vent a bit. I want to make sure everyone understands this: I am not "bashing" the doctor. I am just disappointed. The doctor is being true to himself and I respect him and understand his position. I have to be true to me, too. A good solution has been arranged. I do have the highest respect for a person who stays true to their Self. Thank you ALL for your input. I grew up in medicine and know a lot more than the average person, how hard medical people work and the sacrifices they make for their passion. No bashing! Truly.
On the Journey: A Kind of Passage. So, we are on this Journey to the wonders of the inner self through the trials and challenges of cancer. I am soon to be cancer free once they do the surgery. The future path is better food, better self-care, less stress and more, much more, laughter in my life! Even better, I am here in my time and space. I reflect on that very issue. I am reading Staring at the Sun by Irvin Yalom. He discusses helping clients overcome the terror of death. Synchronistic, I got it before the diagnosis on the recommendation of a wise man. We all have this one-way ticket. We never know when it will be collected. So, for me, I am making the best of the time I have. I work at it. I enjoy something Every Day. I encourage everyone to do the same. One day at a Time. I go in at 6:30 in the morning for the surgery prep. Surgery is at 9:30. I was a bit blown away by the size of the tumor: 5.9 cm x 3.9 cm x 3.4 cm. The new Dr. is great, answered a lot of the questions I went in with before I even asked them. She had no problem with giving me the tissue once the lab is done with it. She had worked in the Southwest with the Navaho people and they cannot transition without all their parts. She completely understood. So it is a go. Enjoy today. There is always something fun, beautiful, and magical in every day.
On the Journey: Masses. Well, I am home and "surgeried" (a new word.). I am sore and supposed to take it easy, like they say in the 12 Step Program: "Take it easy" or "Easy does it". Well, somehow that is going to have to fit into my vocabulary, somehow. I woke up at 6:00 AM, could not sleep any longer, and had to get the day going. I wrote in my journal and did this new piece. So, I will rest and "Take it Easy". Thank you for the support, Angels, and love. I am on the healing path. Some days are pancake days. Comfort food that may not be the best but is a reminder of the childhood treat when my dad would make pancakes on Sunday mornings. So, I flopped on the couch under a heap of blankets with the heating pad. I needed to go inside and heal. I needed to honor that place in me that wants to be coddled, pampered and rested. I feel so much better for the journey into the depths, and I am swimming in the reservoir of my strength, that has been fueled by all the support from friends, family and even strangers. Thank you for the loving thoughts. They strengthen me and fill me up.
On the Journey: Rising. In this world of craziness, there is the light Rising. I hope everyone plays the little piece below and enjoys it as much as I do. It is the song "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" sung by Kelly Clarkson and written by Jorgen Kjell Elofsson: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=525615210792991&set=vb.100000335513629&&type=2&&theater. The song became my recovery chant On the Journey. I think we all need a "Fight Song" to rally the troops and inspire our healing. With all the Love and support that has been washing over me, I am healing in heart and soul, my mind and body are on the same path. I started out really tight and as I worked, things opened up. I think this is how I am on the Journey. It started really tight and it is opening up for me, more and more each day. For today, I am in perfect health. I am in perfect health. I allowed myself to get a little frazzled with printer issues and finally surrendered to waiting until I could talk to a human being. People are so much easier to deal with than the computer gibberish. I am grateful, and wish you all a solid day.
On the Journey: Pulse 108. I feel the healing in my body-mind-spirit. People have shared some amazing information for healing, through diet and spiritual support, and it helps keep my mind clear. Gratitude is the gift of today, the outpouring and Sisterhood, the love I am experiencing is beyond my wildest imagination. I know we all go around unaware of the love and acceptance that is in the air. Feel it. It is real; it is healing and I am grateful for the gift. With this path, I have discovered a fabulous community that is here for me any time. I am so grateful. Each day we face the trials and tribulations of life, we need to remember that we are not alone. We are in community every minute, whether we are aware of it or not. Being in the present is living in Peace. This is the goal. Here and Now. We are in the very best place we need to be, every moment. When we sit with that notion, life becomes amazing. So, present time is the peaceful place! Thank you all for being in my life and witnessing the Journey.
On the Journey: Intrusive Elements. Sometimes in the healing journey we encounter glitches that we have to investigate and confirm we are OK. Today was such a day. I am OK. Sometimes we question our own judgment. Sometimes we just need validation. I am OK. Still working in the 1st Chakra: Root: family, tribe, community, belonging. All good. I am learning to pay attention to the nuances of how I feel, and look at why. We went shopping at the grocery store. I did not realize it was rather late, well past lunchtime. I started getting snippy/snappy/impatient with my sweetie. Surely he deserved it, NOT. I was hungry. I was hungry, the now kind of hungry. Feed me, NOW. So when I finally realized it, I asked if he wanted something, no, he was fine (he had visions of a piece of pizza at Costco, but turned out they were closed). I went to the deli section in the market, ordered a tuna sandwich. We finished up, I ate the sandwich and felt tons better. I apologized for being snippy. I was just hungry. So simple, I could have checked in with me, my Self and I, and asked that question: What is going on in here? Am I: hungry, angry, lonely or tired: H.A.L.T. . #1, Bingo. I was in a feed me now getting grumpy state. Good question, when I feel snippy, grumpy, etc. to check out the H.A.L.T. list, 9 out of 10 times it is one of those minor issues that does NOT have to be blown out of proportion. I love lessons, reminders of what I already know. Now, especially now, I need to keep on task as to what is really happening in me. I think once in awhile things come up in the strangest ways. Being open to Source pushes images, colors and forms through to me. Sometimes they come really fast where I can barely grasp them; other times they meander through with all the time in the world. Regardless, I am blessed. Thank you all, you have no idea how much you contribute to this Path. I am ever so grateful for each and every one of you. Thank you.
On the Journey: An Out Pouring. Here is a part of the outpouring of gratitude I feel from all my friends and family. The richness of life is beyond words when we look at what we really have. When I do my morning writing I end it with a paragraph of gratitude: for the air I breathe, the cozy bed I sleep in, for the running hot and cold water, for the car I have put over a third of a million miles on and keeps going. I am grateful for the roof over my head, for the fact that no bombs are going off in the neighborhood, for my family being healthy, for my beautiful grandchildren. This is a small list. When times are hard for us, and we are feeling depressed and hopeless, we can STOP! Do a gratitude list, even with the simplest things like running water, air to breathe, and for the shoes on our feet. Doing a daily gratitude list helps us keep in perspective of what is really important, TODAY. We are here right now and we have these small comforts in our lives that many people around the world do not have. Reflect on all the things taken for granted in our lives, as in walking into a room and flipping on the light switch and we have light, turning on the faucet and there is water. Picking up the phone and calling a friend. Gratitude is an amazingly magical healer for the heavy heart. The mantra might be "I am ever grateful". Enjoy every day, as it is all we truly have when we open our eyes.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from On the Journey by Cynthia Thomas. Copyright © 2014 Cynthia Thomas. Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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