Passing Judgment: Praise and Blame in Everyday Life

by Terri Apter Narrated by Ann Marie Lee

Overview

Our obsession with praise and blame begins soon after birth. Totally dependent on others, rapidly we learn to value praise and to fear the consequences of blame. Despite outgrowing an infant's dependence, we continue to monitor others' judgments of us-and develop what relational psychologist Terri Apter calls a "judgment meter," which constantly scans people and our interactions with them, registering a positive or negative opinion.



Apter reveals how interactions between parents and children, within couples, and among friends and colleagues are permeated with praise and blame that range far beyond specific compliments and accusations. Drawing on three decades of research, Apter gives us tools to learn about our personal needs, goals, and values; to manage our biases; to tolerate others' views; and to make sense of our most powerful, and often confusing, responses to ourselves and to others.

Editorial Reviews

From the Publisher

"Readers interested in psychological theory will be compelled by this book, as will all readers who just want to be better versions of themselves."— Booklist

"Thoughtful discourse on the workings of praise and blame."— Kirkus Reviews

"In Passing Judgment, Terri Apter—the go-to person when we want to see into the everyday and understand what we’re doing and why—turns her astute eye to the judgments that permeate our lives. . . . I guarantee you will come away from this book with a strong sense of recognition and also perhaps with the question: What happens if I replace judgment with curiosity?"— Carol Gilligan, author of In a Different Voice and Joining the Resistance

"Passing Judgment achieves a remarkable balance of scholarly insight and readable anecdote. Not only does it perform a masterly diagnosis of the many ways in which our endless exchange of praise and blame in everyday life can reinforce or undermine social relationships, but it offers practical insights without ever preaching. It shows how scientific research based on behavioral observation can add real value to common sense."— Paul Seabright, author of The War of the Sexes

"In her latest book, Terri Apter once again helps us to better understand ourselves and others.… She illuminates and explains an often ignored aspect of relationships, that which is informed by the judgments driven by both negative and positive evaluations, even in our smallest interpersonal exchanges."— Liba Taub, Professor of History and Philosophy of Science at University of Cambridge

"Passing Judgment deserves heaps of praise. Terri Apter has drawn on contemporary neuroscience and the best of social psychology to illuminate how we are captive to judgments of others from our earliest days through our adult years. In lucid prose and with many examples drawn from her research, she offers the opportunity to reflect on our lives and suggests how we might make more responsible judgments of others. Everyone can learn something meaningful from this book."— Ruthellen Josselson, author of Paths to Fulfillment: Women’s Search for Meaning and Identity

Kirkus Reviews

2017-10-30
Examination of how our inherent need for appreciation and acceptance can be sabotaged by incrimination and criticism.Personally and professionally fascinated by relational judgments for over three decades, British psychologist Apter (Difficult Mothers: Understanding and Overcoming Their Power, 2012, etc.) explores the nature of praise and blame and how our predisposition to be judgmental of ourselves and others stems from the evolution of the human brain and the progression of interactive social discourse. The author writes that our sensitivities to praise and blame begin as infants able to "mindsight" and detect purpose and feelings in facial signals. She analyzes the importance of praise in reinforcing confidence in early child development and how it can aid in building brain circuits via the natural highs induced by oxytocin and endorphins. Apter dutifully acknowledges that teenagers can be the toughest to praise, as motivations and perceived patronization come into play, and she provides evidence with her observational research case findings. Conversely, the side effects of blame are painful and emotionally and physically burdensome for individuals of any age as well as for family members. The simple pursuit of praise and the careful avoidance of blame can be emblematic of larger social issues, Apter notes, especially in the context of social media engagement and the competitiveness between siblings or co-workers. In more thoroughly described studies, the author discusses the dynamics of friendships differentiated by gender, or how rejection, a lack of positive reinforcement, and mismanaged blame can foster infidelity in romantic couples. "The demand to be the best ushers in a cascade of anxieties," she writes, offering an interesting assessment of the various judgment systems active in many contemporary families. In noting that "we live, day by day, in the constant company of our judgments," Apter counsels that mindfulness and inward reflection can lessen the encumbrances of judgment.Thoughtful discourse on the workings of praise and blame that will be particularly helpful to readers sensitive to scrutiny.

Product Details

BN ID:	2940170157471
Publisher:	HighBridge Company
Publication date:	01/09/2018
Edition description:	Unabridged

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