Raising Boys to Be Good Men: A Parent's Guide to Bringing up Happy Sons in a World Filled with Toxic Masculinity
"If you are the parent of a boy . . . this is the book you need . . . insightful, enlightened, practical."  —Peggy Orenstein, New York Times bestselling author of Boys & Sex

From the dad who created the viral tweet supporting his son wearing nail polish, this essential parenting guide shares 36 parenting tips for battling gender norms, bringing down "man up" culture, and helping sons realize their potential.

Our boys are in a crisis. Toxic masculinity and tough guy-ism are on display daily from our leaders, and we see anger, dysfunction, violence, and depression in young men who are suffocated by harmful social codes. Our young sons are told to stop throwing like a girl. They hear phrases like “man up” when they cry. They are told “boys will be boys” when they behave badly. The “Girl Power” movement has encouraged women to be whoever and do whatever they want, but that sentiment is not often extended to boys. Just watch the bullying when boys try ballet, paint their fingernails, or play with a doll.

But we can treat this problem—and the power lies in the hands of parents. It's not only possible to raise boys who aren't emotionally stifled and shoved into stereotypical gender boxes; it's vital if we want a generation of men who can express their emotions, respect women, and help nurse society back to a halfway healthy place. We can reframe manhood. From Aaron Gouveia, who gained viral fame after tweeting his support for his son’s painted fingernails (and who knows toxic masculinity very well), learn practical and actionable tips such as:
 
  • Don’t accept different standards for moms and dads
  • Teach boys that “girl” is not an insult and retire phrases like “boys will be boys”
  • Show boys that expressing their emotions and being physical is a good thing
  • Let boys pursue nontraditional interests and hobbies
  • Talk to boys about consent and privilege
  • Model healthy and respectful relationships for boys to emulate

Penned with equal parts humor, biting snark, and lived advice, Raising Boys to Be Good Men is the essential parenting guide for raising sons to realize their potential outside the box. ​
1134080548
Raising Boys to Be Good Men: A Parent's Guide to Bringing up Happy Sons in a World Filled with Toxic Masculinity
"If you are the parent of a boy . . . this is the book you need . . . insightful, enlightened, practical."  —Peggy Orenstein, New York Times bestselling author of Boys & Sex

From the dad who created the viral tweet supporting his son wearing nail polish, this essential parenting guide shares 36 parenting tips for battling gender norms, bringing down "man up" culture, and helping sons realize their potential.

Our boys are in a crisis. Toxic masculinity and tough guy-ism are on display daily from our leaders, and we see anger, dysfunction, violence, and depression in young men who are suffocated by harmful social codes. Our young sons are told to stop throwing like a girl. They hear phrases like “man up” when they cry. They are told “boys will be boys” when they behave badly. The “Girl Power” movement has encouraged women to be whoever and do whatever they want, but that sentiment is not often extended to boys. Just watch the bullying when boys try ballet, paint their fingernails, or play with a doll.

But we can treat this problem—and the power lies in the hands of parents. It's not only possible to raise boys who aren't emotionally stifled and shoved into stereotypical gender boxes; it's vital if we want a generation of men who can express their emotions, respect women, and help nurse society back to a halfway healthy place. We can reframe manhood. From Aaron Gouveia, who gained viral fame after tweeting his support for his son’s painted fingernails (and who knows toxic masculinity very well), learn practical and actionable tips such as:
 
  • Don’t accept different standards for moms and dads
  • Teach boys that “girl” is not an insult and retire phrases like “boys will be boys”
  • Show boys that expressing their emotions and being physical is a good thing
  • Let boys pursue nontraditional interests and hobbies
  • Talk to boys about consent and privilege
  • Model healthy and respectful relationships for boys to emulate

Penned with equal parts humor, biting snark, and lived advice, Raising Boys to Be Good Men is the essential parenting guide for raising sons to realize their potential outside the box. ​
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Raising Boys to Be Good Men: A Parent's Guide to Bringing up Happy Sons in a World Filled with Toxic Masculinity

Raising Boys to Be Good Men: A Parent's Guide to Bringing up Happy Sons in a World Filled with Toxic Masculinity

Raising Boys to Be Good Men: A Parent's Guide to Bringing up Happy Sons in a World Filled with Toxic Masculinity

Raising Boys to Be Good Men: A Parent's Guide to Bringing up Happy Sons in a World Filled with Toxic Masculinity

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Overview

"If you are the parent of a boy . . . this is the book you need . . . insightful, enlightened, practical."  —Peggy Orenstein, New York Times bestselling author of Boys & Sex

From the dad who created the viral tweet supporting his son wearing nail polish, this essential parenting guide shares 36 parenting tips for battling gender norms, bringing down "man up" culture, and helping sons realize their potential.

Our boys are in a crisis. Toxic masculinity and tough guy-ism are on display daily from our leaders, and we see anger, dysfunction, violence, and depression in young men who are suffocated by harmful social codes. Our young sons are told to stop throwing like a girl. They hear phrases like “man up” when they cry. They are told “boys will be boys” when they behave badly. The “Girl Power” movement has encouraged women to be whoever and do whatever they want, but that sentiment is not often extended to boys. Just watch the bullying when boys try ballet, paint their fingernails, or play with a doll.

But we can treat this problem—and the power lies in the hands of parents. It's not only possible to raise boys who aren't emotionally stifled and shoved into stereotypical gender boxes; it's vital if we want a generation of men who can express their emotions, respect women, and help nurse society back to a halfway healthy place. We can reframe manhood. From Aaron Gouveia, who gained viral fame after tweeting his support for his son’s painted fingernails (and who knows toxic masculinity very well), learn practical and actionable tips such as:
 
  • Don’t accept different standards for moms and dads
  • Teach boys that “girl” is not an insult and retire phrases like “boys will be boys”
  • Show boys that expressing their emotions and being physical is a good thing
  • Let boys pursue nontraditional interests and hobbies
  • Talk to boys about consent and privilege
  • Model healthy and respectful relationships for boys to emulate

Penned with equal parts humor, biting snark, and lived advice, Raising Boys to Be Good Men is the essential parenting guide for raising sons to realize their potential outside the box. ​

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9798200151523
Publisher: Tantor
Publication date: 04/06/2021
Product dimensions: 5.30(w) x 7.50(h) x (d)

About the Author

Aaron Gouveia is a former award-winning journalist who has appeared in TIME, the TODAY Show, Good Morning America, People, Mashable, and USA Today to discuss topics on parenting young boys in the age of toxic masculinity. He started the website The Daddy Files in 2008 to promote involved fatherhood, has contributed to Parents, American Baby, and the Huffington Post, and is a regular speaker at parenting conferences. His content on topics like gun control and abortion have been seen by millions around the world. He resides in Franklin, Massachusetts, with his wife and three sons.

Mike Chamberlain is an actor and voice-over performer in Los Angeles whose audiobook narration has won several AudioFile Earphones Awards. His voice credits range from radio commercials and television narration to animation and video game characters. Stage trained at Boston College, he has performed works from Shakespeare and the classics to contemporary drama and comedy.

Read an Excerpt

When I became a father in 2008, I had never encountered the term toxic masculinity. Although Google searches for the term increased after the 2017 social movement of #MeToo when women in Hollywood reported Harvey Weinstein’s crimes, and public exposure to the phrase spiked to peak levels when Gillette released its now infamous commercial in January 2019 criticizing toxic masculinity, I first heard about it in 2011. I had just accepted a part-time editor position with the Good Men Project and was spending countless hours reading essays by feminist authors. I rolled my eyes initially and silently lamented the “pussification of America,” bristling at the thought that my strong, manly son would be feminized to the point of demonization. Which is ironic, since, you know, that reaction was an example of classic toxic masculinity.

But when I stopped and listened to the people in my life, who are far more intelligent and thoughtful than I am, I realized something fairly disconcerting—not only is toxic masculinity real, I was living it out on a daily basis and running the risk of passing that mindset on to my three sons.

That’s why, when my publisher suggested I write a book on raising boys in the age of toxic masculinity, the first thing out of my mouth was, “I think you’ve got the wrong guy.” I guarantee that if you tell anyone who knew me in college that I would be writing this book many years later, they’d laugh. Then they’d get really confused and angry, because I had been representative of the problem for years (and still am, at times).

Back in 2008, I remember getting upset when my wife put pink socks on my infant son because I was worried it might make other people think he was “gay” or “effeminate.” I didn’t want any of my boys to be baptized, at least in part because I didn’t like the idea of them in a christening dress (and also because of the Catholic Church’s rampant child abuse and decades of cover-ups; but that’s a different book). I would only shop in the blue-colored boy toy aisle, I scolded my oldest for throwing a baseball “like a girl,” and I frequently used the phrase “man up” in a way that was unfortunately devoid of irony.

All to say that writing a book about a problem I had clearly contributed to for a long time felt like an instant no-go and massively hypocritical.

But the flip side of that argument is: who better to reach people potentially open to change than a convert? Just like I wouldn’t want to read a book about getting sober from an author who has never had a drink in their lives, maybe all my (many, many, many) past mistakes might be recognized by readers who are in the same boat. The hope is that my experience will resonate and help readers take stock of the situation so we can start to build critical mass and fix this problem.

I wish I could pinpoint a specific moment in time when it all clicked. It was because of my job with the Good Men Project, where I edited essay after essay of thoughts on this topic. It was joining online forums and Facebook groups and getting to know the men I had been thoughtlessly mocking to realize their words had merit. But mostly, it was watching my kids get older and take up interests that didn’t align with traditional masculinity, and feeling that natural parental instinct to protect and defend the people who are most precious to you. If my kids had been star athletes and had fallen into the “normal” pathways for boys, would I be writing this book? I’d like to think so, but I’m just not sure. Unfortunately, it seems people don’t truly get it until it becomes personal when it happens to them or someone they know. That’s why I hope this book will have an impact—reading about a parent’s angst after bullies come for their son over nail polish is something that really can change minds.

That’s why I’m writing to all the parents who still tell their young sons to “rub some dirt on it” and who scold them for crying. Or who excuse clearly problematic behaviors with the response, “boys will be boys.” This book is one small attempt to reach the people still willing to listen to reason. It’s not meant to preach or shame, and it’s certainly not an orchestrated attack on masculinity itself. There’s a mistaken belief that those who criticize toxic masculinity are criticizing everything masculine—this couldn’t be further from the truth. Caring for and protecting one’s family; hard work; strength—these are some positives in men that are worthy of celebration. However, we need to reframe the discussion about what makes a “real man.” Because I guarantee you that real men cry, real men will know to seek help when they need it, and real men do stay home with their kids.

It’s not only possible to raise boys who aren’t emotionally stifled and shoved into boxes; it’s vital if we want a generation of men who can express their emotions in a healthy way, respect women, and help nurse society back to a halfway healthy place. That’s why we need to illustrate the problems and talk about the small ways in which we can work toward solutions.

I guarantee that if a stubborn idiot like me can recognize he was once part of the problem and admit he was wrong, and then took the steps to become better, anyone can. And I also guarantee that if we don’t change the way we treat and raise our boys, things are only going to get worse. Our boys are too important for us to fail, and when boys go bad, we all lose.
 

Table of Contents

Introduction: When You're Part of the Problem xi

Chapter 1 The Bullshit Starts Before the Birth 1

Tip #1 Don't find out/tell anyone the sex of the baby 2

Tip #2 Avoid the gender reveal party 6

Tip #3 Dads-go to baby classes and get in the delivery room 8

Tip #4 It's OK to talk about miscarriage 11

Tip #5 Don't assume you're immune to toxic masculinity 15

Chapter 2 Congratulations, You're a Parent-Welcome to the Jungle 19

Tip #6 Take maternity/paternity leave (if you can) 20

Tip #7 Dads-stagger your leave if possible 23

Tip #8 Dive fully and deeply into your leave and tell everyone you took it 24

Tip #9 Don't accept different standards for moms and dads 25

Tip #10 Avoid stereotypically gendered clothes/products 28

Tip #11 Parents-don't gatekeep 31

Tip #12 Model respect for stay-at-home parents 35

Tip #13 Embrace and encourage stay-at-home dads, and make sure your kids do, too 38

Chapter 3 Don't Let School Harden Boys Unnecessarily 45

Tip #14 Teach kids to embrace differences, not fear or mock them 46

Tip #15 Teach boys to stand up for what's right 52

Tip #16 Teach boys that "gay" is not an insult 55

Tip #17 Teach boys that "girl" is not an insult 61

Tip #18 Eliminate "boys will be boys" and "man up" from your vocabulary 66

Tip #19 Let boys know platonic touch is OK 69

Tip #20 It's OK for boys to feel sad and seek help 78

Tip #21 Let boys pursue nontraditional interests 82

Tip #22 Avoid harmful double standards for boys and girls (especially when it comes to dating) 85

Tip #23 Don't teach boys that sexual abuse is acceptable 93

Tip #24 Have a social media plan for your kids 96

Chapter 4 It's Time to Get Controversial 103

Tip #25 Don't let boys fall victim to gun culture 105

Tip #26 Embrace politics and discuss them with your kids 119

Tip #27 Teach boys (especially white boys) about privilege 123

Tip #28 Talk to boys about bodily autonomy and boundaries 127

Tip #29 Teach boys about consent and how not to contribute to rape culture 134

Tip #30 The problem with porn and hookup culture 142

Tip #31 Don't fear the #MeToo movement; learn from it 148

Tip #32 Don't spank your kids 154

Tip #33 The problem with chivalry 158

Tip #34 Let boys know it's not all about the money 162

Tip #35 Reexamine your religion when bringing up kids 167

Conclusion: Failure Is Not an Option 173

Tip #36 Be a fierce and relentless advocate for boys 174

Acknowledgments 179

About the Author 183

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