Resolve: Negotiating Life's Conflicts with Greater Confidence

by Hal Movius

Overview

Nobody loves conflict. Whether we’re negotiating a salary increase or trying to settle on which in-laws to spend the holidays with, there’s a lot at stake in any dispute beyond the points being argued over. While both sides are pushing for the result they want, there’s a very good chance that someone will feel unjustly treated, hurt or embarrassed along the way. Sometimes one or both parties lose their cool completely, doing damage to the relationship or on their own reputation. Even formal negotiations with nothing personal at stake can feel fraught with risk to the people involved.

Many individuals go through life avoiding conflict and dreading confrontation. And yet, there is no escaping the need to negotiate with family members, employers, business partners and tradespeople. What if you could approach your next difficult conversation with genuine confidence that you can reach the best possible resolution without losing face or damaging your relationship with your counterpart?

Confidence is not the same thing as self-esteem or bravado, according to psychologist and negotiation expert Hal Movius. To handle all of life’s negotiations more effectively and with less stress, Movius says, we need to develop confidence along three key dimensions:

Mastery: The ability to plan for and to deploy optimal behaviors during a disagreement or negotiation
Poise: The capacity to manage emotions in the moment
Judgment: The knowledge to avoid the most common traps that befall negotiators — and the rest of us — as we think about the problem at hand and the other side’s behaviors

In Resolve: Negotiating Life’s Conflicts with Greater Confidence Movius provides effective tools to boost confidence in all three of these critical areas so you can be more effective in resolving any type of conflict, from spontaneous flare-ups at home to planned business negotiations.

Drawing on decades of research in interpersonal psychology and recent advances in social neuroscience, Movius blends science-backed insight with practical techniques developed in his 25-year career as a mediator, negotiation trainer and coach.

Readers will learn:
That genuine confidence can be acquired, regardless of personality traits
How to transform all sorts of conflicts, including influence challenges, into negotiations in order to resolve them more satisfactorily
Strategies to use when the conflict is about beliefs or behaviors
How to think like a negotiator, with strategies for planned conversations as well as spontaneous conflict How to recognize and respond to difficult emotional and manipulative tactics in counterparts
How to cope with emotional flooding if you feel yourself becoming flustered in a dispute
How to recognize common errors in judgment that we make before, during and after negotiations
What drives the differences in how women and men negotiate

The book also shares advice on bargaining with counterparts who act as if they don’t care about the relationship (and indeed may not); negotiating on behalf of others; and settling differences with those we are close to. Whether you negotiate for a living or only in your personal life, Resolve is the only guide you need to get safely and comfortably to the other side of any dispute.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781928055235
Publisher:	Wonderwell
Publication date:	01/10/2017
Pages:	224
Product dimensions:	8.90(w) x 5.90(h) x 0.90(d)

About the Author

Hal Movius, founder and president of Movius Consulting, provides coaching, consulting, and negotiation training for Fortune 500 companies and global NGOs. An applied psychologist, Movius is also an expert in emotional intelligence, self-regulation, leadership, and interpersonal processes, and is the co-author of Built to Win: Creating a World Class Negotiating Organization. He lives in Charlottesville, VA.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments xi

Introduction xiii

Chapter 1 The Crucible and the Catalyst: Why conflict is hard, and how confidence can help 1

The Conflict Crucible 3

Figure 1 Influence Tactics 7

Defining Confidence 11

Table 1 What Does It Mean to Be Confident? 11

A Multidimensional View of Confidence 15

Confidence Is a Catalyst for Better Results 17

Chapter 2 From Conflict to Negotiation: Thinking like a great negotiator 21

Negotiation Principles and Practices 22

Figure 2 Value Chart 26

Transforming Conflicts into Negotiations 29

From Knowledge to Mastery 35

Chapter 3 Mastery: Building confidence in our skills 37

Preparation 38

Figure 3 Negotiation Process Map 39

Process 40

Table 2 Negotiation Preparation Template 43

Practice 45

Chapter 4 Awareness: Building confidence in our reasoning 53

Self-Serving Biases 54

The Need for Coherence 55

Egocentrism 57

How Faulty Thinking Affects Our Confidence 59

Expanding Our Awareness 61

Chapter 5 Poise: Building our emotional resources 71

Negotiation Is Costly to Our Social Brains 73

Three Common Triggers of Emotion during Conflict 74

How Environment Affects Mood 79

Table 3 Factors Affecting Our Mood 83

Know How You Go 84

Putting Confidence to the Test 94

Chapter 6 Foes: Dealing with tough tactics 97

Mastery When Dealing with Tough Tactics 99

Table 4 Four Common Claiming Tactics and How to Handle Them 103

Awareness When Dealing with Tough Tactics 106

Poise When Dealing with Tough Tactics 109

Keeping Your Cool When You Want to Blow Your Top 116

Showdowns vs. Flare-Ups 117

Chapter 7 Friends and Family: Resolving conflict in close relationships 121

Protecting the Relationship 122

Table 5 Gottman/Coan Communication Codes for Downward Spirals 128

How to Have a Good Fight 129

Mastery in Close Relationships 132

Awareness in Close Relationships 134

Poise in Close Relationships 136

Chapter 8 Leading: Negotiating on behalf of others 141

Back Tables 143

Mastery When Negotiating on Behalf of Others 144

Figure 4 Lakeview Neighborhood Association Interest Checklist 148

Table 6 Strategy Matrix 150

Figure 5 Lakeview Neighborhood Association List of Interests 152

Awareness When Negotiating on Behalf of Others 159

Poise When Negotiating on Behalf of Others 161

Communicating with Confidence 165

Chapter 9 You: Putting knowledge into practice 169

Assessing Your Tendencies 171

Table 7 Specific Challenges or Tendencies Related to Traits 172

Your Crucibles 174

Appendix: Twelve Tools to Help Build Your Resolve 177

Building Mastery

Tool 1 Defining What's at Stake 178

Tool 2 Negotiation Preparation Template 179

Tool 3 Negotiation Process Map 180

Expanding Awareness

Tool 4 Checklist to Avoid Traps in Thinking 182

Summoning and Maintaining Poise

Tool 5 Planning for Temperament 184

Tool 6 Body and Environment Scan 185

Tool 7 Meta-Emotional Tendencies Exercise 187

Tool 8 Identifying Emotional Triggers 187

Tool 9 Coping Styles Quiz 188

Dealing with Tough Tactics

Tool 10 Recognizing and Responding to Tough Tactics 190

Resolving Conflict with Friends and Family 192

Tool 11 Checklist for Negotiations and Conflicts with Friends and Family 192

Negotiating on Behalf of Others

Tool 12 Securing Authority and Approval 193

Glossary 195

Notes 201

Index 213

Editorial Reviews

"Highly recommended reading for anyone who wants to bring their boldest, best self to conflict or negotiations."
— Amy Cuddy, bestselling author of Presence

"Resolve has it all—great stories, deep insights, and wise advice about how to approach conflicts with confidence. This book will change your life."
— Timothy D. Wilson, author of Redirect

"A useful guide for negotiating life's more difficult conflicts."
John Gottman, Ph.D., bestselling author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

“So empowering, and not just for businesspeople. This is a book for you and me.”
— Dar Williams, musician, writer

"Who among us would not benefit from approaching conflict and negotiations with greater confidence? That’s what makes Resolve such an insightful and thought-provoking read. Hal Movius has helped countless individuals – and many of the world’s largest multinationals – to be smarter and more effective in dealing with differences. Here are the tools and techniques that show us how."
— Alexander Green, New York Times bestselling author of The Gone Fishin’ Portfolio

“In Resolve, Hal Movius gives us lively hands-on guidance for navigating our most stressful interpersonal encounters. His empowering voice should guide our country’s and the world’s statesmen and stateswomen as they tackle, rather than avoid, our pressing challenges.”
— The Honorable Sarah Bloom Raskin, Deputy Secretary of the U.S. Department of the Treasury

“Hal Movius has done a brilliant job of pulling together what psychology can teach us about how to raise our confidence level as a negotiator. Even the most reluctant and timid negotiators will benefit from his advice and coaching.”
— Lawrence Susskind, Vice-Chair, Program on Negotiation at Harvard Law School


“Whether you're already an experienced negotiator looking to up your game, or simply curious about how negotiation might help you deal more effectively with the everyday conflicts that life throws at us, Resolve is the book for you. A winning blend of useful theory, practical application and warmly pragmatic advice with one end in mind - confidence that you can.”
— Tom Kinnaird, CPO, WPP Group

“When is the last time a business book was a page-turner? Resolve is just that: advice on how to become an all-around better negotiator, sprinkled with relevant real-life vignettes that bring it all home.”
— Susan Silbermann, senior life sciences executive

"Resolve dives headlong into the role of confidence in negotiations and leaves you with a very fresh perspective of the process. Movius explores common behavioral traps, mental minefields, and tricky situations that can trip up even the most seasoned negotiator. An entertaining and incredibly informative read for anyone in the field."
— Francesca Gino, Tandon Family Professor of Business Administration, Harvard Business School

“Having worked with Hal Movius on projects around the globe, I have witnessed firsthand how the practical insights in Resolve can help senior managers negotiate deals and disputes more effectively.”
— Guhan Subramanian, Professor, Harvard Law and Business Schools

"Resolve is an insightful and essential resource for anyone negotiating conflicts across differences of race, gender, and culture in the global marketplace. If you are apprehensive about stepping into diversity-tinged negotiations—professional or personal—Movius’ practical advice provides confidence that you can do it.”
— Martin N. Davidson, Professor, Darden Graduate School of Business, author of The End of Diversity as We Know It

“In his wise and empowering new book, Resolve, Hal Movius shows how genuine assurance arises from a rich fusion of mastery, awareness, and poise—all of which can be nurtured through honest reflection and diligent practice. Simply put, for us to perform at our best, we have to be at our best. With warm and sympathetic coaching, Movius shows us how to achieve that state.”
— Michael Wheeler, Harvard Business School, author of The Art of Negotiation

From the Publisher