This is an informative explanation of mate selection. Since this is a topic of great controversy, it is an importanat task that will determine the path of the rest of your life. The decision that leads to a marital commitment is failing far too much when divorce becomes a dominant solution.
Many relationships are failing as people attempt to secure love and happiness for themselves with the wrong person. Although "second time around" marriages continue to be on the rise, the key to selection still remains a mystery. How do you determine when love is secure in times like these? What makes a marital decision successful?
As men and women grasp for a lifetime of affection, there is a need for emotional assurance that cannot be broken. The manner in which that joy is obtained will elevate your consciousness, promote confidence, and create the happiness you desire.
Selecting Your Mate discusses the wisdom you already know, but fail to realize...
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Selecting Your Mate
By V. A. Sutton
Trafford PublishingCopyright © 2011 V. A. Sutton
All right reserved.
Chapter OneMAKING A DECISION ...
No longer are you those little children of yesterday, seeking my help because you need guidance.
This is one road that I cannot travel upon with you as this journey will take you into a new phase of your life. You will hear people share expressions of wisdom from their personal dating encounters. Although these courtship ideas are believed to be a correct course of action; sometimes the thoughts of others provide limited expertise. This is proven every time singles persist in searching for a mate.
Without trustworthy facts, the unmarried continue to explore mating options. Old wives tales and husband tales of past times do not always provide quality wisdom. Dating etiquette continually changes to accommodate the latest courtship craze. An unfortunate result is the manner in which courtship standards are viewed relating to romantic behavior. Single couples have adopted sensation-seeking behaviors with the intent of identifying someone to become a potential mate.
Acceptance of these sometimes outrageous attraction techniques have started a trend of reasoning that has spiraled out of control. With our tolerance of unpleasant behavior, singles have gotten away from an attitude that reflects what the definition of love truly means. The conduct of the unmarried relating to matters of the heart is often communicated in a way that confirms they are misinformed about how to identify sincere affection. This behavior is not limited to any particular age group.
As a matter of fact, an amusement park was closed on a holiday weekend due to reported threats of potential violence. The closing transferred problems to a different location ... a community festival at the beach. Families enjoyed the weather while the air was filled with the distinct aroma of meat being barbecued and the sounds of laughter which reminded folks that warmer days had finally arrived. However, these moments of enjoyment were quickly interrupted with reported fighting amongst different groups of people.
How disturbing to learn that among these offenders were thirty year old women. Surprisingly, the age ranges varied from teenagers to adults. There was a talk show discussion that reported how the parents of younger children were disappointed with increased violent trends that were invading their public opportunities to have a simple family outing. The disorder at these events immediately made the environment of the festival change. As police intervened, fearful families left ... end of holiday.
These events bring one concern to mind, "Where is the love?" After having numerous conversations concerning courtship and marriage relationships, it ceases to amaze me the lack of knowledge most individuals have surrounding the manner in which they will find someone to love. As most people continue to believe false ideas about affection; they tend to get further away from the reality of being able to identify what love truly means. Once you understand the principles which are characteristic of the standards for love, a natural selection can be made that is worthy of your intentions.
This particular story was shared with me about the way an adult person envisioned love in his life.
A vivid childhood memory that I recall was about our neighbor Wesley. He would abuse his wife on a regular basis as if it was a ritual. I finally asked his wife Barbara one day;, "Why do you allow your husband to beat you up?" Surprisingly she responded with this statement; "When a man beats a woman baby, don't you know that is his way of letting you know that he loves you."
On another occasion there was a man named Nate, who was constantly getting beat upon physically. The attacker was his spouse Patricia. These unpleasant confrontations made marriage life quite difficult. Sounds strange, but believe it or not it happens. Whether physical, psychological or sexual, abuse is not exclusive to any particular gender or victim. In this case, Nate stated he had never retaliated against his wife because his dad taught him a man never hits a woman ...
A young couple named Kevin and Anna stated that throughout their courtship there was only one occasion in which both remember having a disagreement. There was one instance of simple dispute.
After several years of settling into the marriage and before having children, there was no condition that challenged this rapport. Within their personal interactions no arguing existed because of mutual admiration, but moreover a loving respect which the two attribute to the success of the relationship.
Their special love included continuous communication with the Lord as part of their daily routine.
The nature of this couple's relationship did not allow threatening obstacles from outsiders to disrupt marital happiness, first built upon friendship. They both made a conscious effort to maintain this practice throughout the marriage. Misunderstandings were not a part of their lifestyle as they both respected each other's opinion without allowing "anger" to invade their relationship space. Much too often this happens without the knowledge that this emotion can be the destructive agent to any relationship.
When a person wants to sincerely communicate affection to you, there is reinforcement with actions as well as verbal confirmation that informs you of their intentions. Do not allow yourself to become a victim of agendas that leave you vulnerable because you believe someone loves you, when in reality they are deleting you from their equation. There was a case in which a young woman fell head over heels for her first love. This young man became a special friend with the intention of gaining her confidence.
After becoming sexually active for the sake of "love", the young man walked away without looking back as he walked into the arms of another. This young man was not ready to honor a one on one commitment in a relationship. The young woman "assumed" the feelings would eventually be shared, but that was not the case. Now that her heart was broken, where do you go from here? This daily scenario happens to men and women. The solution is not to put "you" in this position.
Mutual friends were confused about the outcome of this courtship as everybody thought they both loved each other. Socially, it became uncomfortable for both to interact within the same circles. As this painful reminder set in, the unfortunate reality about character came into focus. You really can protect your heart from emotional disaster. Make sure you understand the difference between a real friendship and a casual association. Think through your set of circumstances by relying upon the perfection of wisdom which simply states: A friend loveth at all times ...
Proverbs 17:17 (KJV)
For this reason, the advantage of dating is to keep the "getting to know" phase in place for as long as it takes to discover whether this is true love or a charade of affection. In either case, the true agenda will naturally surface. There's something about the practice of doing wrong; it cannot tolerate that which is right. What purpose is there in entertaining time with someone whose intention is to attack your spirit with their unhappiness?
Put on the whole armour of God that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. Ephesians 6:11 (KJV)
For any individual whether male or female which falls prey to the challenges of romance; refer to these things and know the Lord will provide spiritual protection against any adversary. He will help you overcome temptations that take you away from actions which glorify God. Keep in mind, that through the strength of Christ all things are possible. The price to discourage your happiness has no value except for the one with this purpose ... to be the author of confusion.
Leave no room for someone's immature behavior to become your emotional suicide that takes control of the peaceful frame of mind you have, and replace it with conditions that eliminate the prospect for joy to take place. After asking the following question of different people, I recognized that the true motivation for writing these thoughts is justified by a need. The following question was asked to many couples, "If you could do it all over again would you marry the same person?"
Surprisingly, this is one subject that took no time for consideration. There was no doubt in the minds of those asked regarding the answer to this question. The responses were all an immediate reaction; consistent with the circumstances that drive the conditions for their particular relationship.
This was amazing to me because in each case there was no room for debate. For each couple only one spouse was questioned because asking both simultaneously would be another book. The reply being positive or negative revolved around the same reasoning ... the selection of their mate.
Comments such as this: "If I only knew then what I know now" or "If I had to do it all over again I would have married a different person" or "I would not have gotten married if ..." These remarks were commonly made by people who believe their happiness is based upon another person's ability to create happiness in their life. Couples that have been married over fifty years were content with their spouses and would refer to another fifty with the same person. They have truly captured love.
The state of both persons being happy together was based upon individual choices that were created from self-imposed conditions. Couples that have fun together enjoy each other's company, but moreover are happy with themselves as individuals first. You control a destiny for happiness with the satisfaction of your existence.
Happy is the man that findeth wisdom and getteth understanding ...
Proverbs 3:13 (KJV)
Proper efforts were not taken to ask the right questions or learn necessary information. In the courtship stages of a relationship, when a person's integrity comes into view in a manner that leaves a question in your mind, more than likely you need to stop ... drop ... and roll. "Stop" all forms of conversation with the person. "Drop" the interaction because it is not going in the direction in which you want to travel. "Roll" on to a better relationship opportunity. You will find this to be the best call of your judgment when you can finally recognize another's character.
Kevin and Anna used wisdom when they put the Lord in the headship position within their marriage. This means that the two became one in their reliance upon the Lord for discernment of personal matters. As a result of confidence in Him, coupled with regular meditation and truthful communication, Kevin and Anna developed knowledge in the unchanging insight of biblical wisdom. This gave stability to the relationship as they learned from divine testimony to remove "self" early on.
There are times when a person has an insatiable need to actually experience events in order to better understand the reality of the consequences, rather than learn from the mistakes of others.
Just like the child whose parent tells he or she not to touch a flame because of getting burned does not stop the curiosity of putting their hand near the flame. You feel the warmth and when you get too close you begin to feel the burn. In either case, there exists a strong desire to do something other than what you have been instructed.
The foundation for love is learned through the evidence of wisdom in the scriptures. Biblical writings bring knowledge about a way of life that is "fool" proof when properly understood in accordance with the Lord's will. The failures we see in selection have countless beginnings and some of these originate from opinions with no logical meaning. Oftentimes wisdom is ignored because a person wants to rely upon his or her own understanding. Unfortunately, that is when the real trouble begins.
A basic difference in personalities affects compatibility within a relationship. Having the capability to get along with a person creates the natural balance necessary for doing and thinking as a couple. Without conformity there can be no harmony. When entertaining a special affection for another person, especially when there are thoughts of a marital commitment, it is important that these two people agree on standards which relate to behavior that will influence their life as a couple.
Love has quite an attracting force as it takes an effect upon you like the flow of a gentle breeze. Be mindful of the knock you off your feet lust that catches you off guard with the surge of unexpected emotion. These feelings have the great potential to control you through thoughtless reactions. The difference between love and lust is the effect it has upon our human nature. There are people that truly believe in love at first sight; especially when they feel that special twinge in the heart. The next thing you know is that the courtship turns into a marriage union.
The better reality about this matter called "love" is that a proper selection was made as it should be. When you consider the actual circumstances surrounding how one finds love does it seem likely that a person can totally fall head over heels in love with someone he or she does not know? Love at first sight would mean physical attraction constitutes love. Shift your mindset to understand that behavior is the actual magnetism that appeals to your mind before you fall in love.
Take these thoughts for the sake of comparison to help you better separate the difference in your mind. This point of view greatly impacts how you differentiate the measures you use to determine the difference between affection and attraction. In either case, both can be a temporary condition when there is no basis of truth to rely upon. There are special characteristics to look for when you are in pursuit of that true love connection. Consider these points of interest as you adjust your awareness.
First of all, be confident in your initial assessment. Otherwise you could just fall in love with a mannequin that is clothed and doused with sweet smelling perfume simply because of the way it looks. The behavior of a person is important as it relates to nonverbal communication about the person. There is a distinct difference between physical attraction and the behavioral tendencies.
With initial feelings of affection, there are some things that you should look for that will stand up through the tests of time because they are the true source of a person's being.
The interest you have in someone unknown to you should only be acted upon with knowledge. You need to know who you are dealing with. There are so many different patterns of behavior that have been influenced by mass media forums until you think someone is attractive for the wrong reasons as you search for love. Let's continue to seek wisdom that identifies specific patterns relating to the manner in which someone should behave. This will help you discern with careful forethought whether a person qualifies for entrance into an area which is your most valued part — your heart.
As the center of your emotional life, this element has a strong influence upon one's character. The controlling force of our powerful nature is important to understand. You will find that within these protected chambers lay the person you really need to know. It is important to also recognize the inner motivation that drives a person's emotional and spiritual character. Remember the exposure to different events in our lives leave an impression upon the mind that has a lifelong memory.
These imprints can take form in a way that drives behavior. You never know what compels a person's reaction in a given manner at any time; therefore, the statement that anybody can be or do whatever his or her heart desires takes on a different meaning. It is interesting to think about how much of our life revolves around the condition of the heart. A decision to love is a choice that is made because of feelings that arises from a strong heartfelt emotion.
When you are drawn to someone, you believe the state of that person's heart is a reflection of his or her behavioral tendencies due to the things he or she says. Typically, a kind-hearted individual is viewed as sympathetic with a calming, yet gentle nature. He or she seems nice because they care.
Excerpted from Selecting Your Mate by V. A. Sutton Copyright © 2011 by V. A. Sutton. Excerpted by permission of Trafford Publishing. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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Table of Contents
A note from the author
Making A Decision
In the beginning
Getting to know
Once you understand
The mating game