Shatter Shame and Shine: Transformational Information and Guidance for Women Silently Struggling with Their Issues of Childhood Abuse, Pain, or
182
Shatter Shame and Shine: Transformational Information and Guidance for Women Silently Struggling with Their Issues of Childhood Abuse, Pain, or
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Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781452586908 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Balboa Press |
| Publication date: | 02/17/2014 |
| Pages: | 182 |
| Product dimensions: | 5.50(w) x 8.50(h) x 0.42(d) |
Read an Excerpt
SHATTER SHAME AND SHINE
Transformational information and guidance for women silently struggling with their issues of childhood abuse, pain, or trauma, and for those who think they are not.
By MARY ALICE COLEMAN
Balboa Press
Copyright © 2014 Maryalice ColemanAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4525-8690-8
CHAPTER 1
Funding Fear: Withdrawing Courage
When you're scared, you stay as you are! Stephen Richards
I'm not sure what to think. I'm not feeling too great at this moment. My thoughts are scattered. What shall I say? How do I begin to express with these strangers what happened? It was so long ago, and what I remember is so embarrassing. The hurt, pain, and humiliation are locked away in a safe place. Right? I mean, I have hidden them away. They don't bother me, do they? What will they think of me if I share what my father did to me when I was a child? I feel so unsettled. Why do I feel ashamed of something that I did not even have control over happening to me? Now I am really annoyed!
These were the thoughts running through my mind twenty-five years ago as I sat in a room with other women who had been sexually abused, had been traumatized, or had suffered a major blow in their childhoods. We were all there to share our stories; we were all there to be awkwardly vulnerable. We were there to finally overcome and transform our lives—lives that we were not even sure how to change, let alone transform. I knew I was scared, but I also knew I did not want to stay where I was in life, and I took this step toward getting the help I needed and deserved.
One woman after another shared. I began to feel as though I was not alone in this. It was my turn, and out stumbled my "report" as to the sexual abuse I had suffered over a six-year period in my childhood. The fact that I could just report it gave proof that the employment of pain, humiliation, and deep, soulful hurt were doing their job. I could not attach them to the events. I could not feel them in the middle of the memories, but they were certainly hard at work in my life in many other areas.
As it turned out, and as I learned over time, the hurt, humiliation, and pain that I thought were locked away in my mind were actually running my life. These "Three Musketeers of Shame" had taken over the true essence of my soul. They were the tentacles of shame, the masters of humiliation, and the gatekeepers of self-abasement.
The very thought of tackling our pasts can cause our hearts to pound and our palms to sweat and bring a flood of tears to our eyes. The innate sensitivity from the issues of our childhoods and the pain that is seemingly encapsulated in our hearts and minds is guarded at the door by fear. Fear stands at attention to keep courage from unlocking the cage that holds us captive. Fear's only job is to keep us bound, gagged, and stuck in the mediocrity that our lives have become. Do you know the best friend of fear?
It is shame.
These two cohorts are at work in our subconscious minds, where they have taken on a life since the day you and I were violated, scarred, hurt, and left grieving in confusion.
I want to make sure you understand that the feelings of brokenness, anger, destruction, or being lost are valid. You will read, though, that we are none of these. We are still the light and embodiment of spirit, and that has never gone away. The only thing that happened is the perpetration of another's hurtful actions and shame injected into our psyches that has rendered our aims, our very essences, dysfunctional.
Yet even though there is pain and dysfunction, know that this is more than fixable. It's more than doable. This is self-love in action, when you make the decision to change. This is when you make the choice to never allow your past, no matter what it entailed, to take over your life. When we take on the new belief, we then have the power to drop the old story and create a new one. This is when that light of ours begins to peek through and the gears of our aim (core being) begins turning upright again. We need to really focus and decide where to spend our precious time and energy. Because rehashing old memories and constantly feeling victimized will bring more of the same issues into our lives. If you're reading this, it's safe to say that you do not want more of the old issues and circumstances. It is time to change what you believe about yourself for the better.
When we feed fear with the lies we have believed about ourselves, it stays strong. We end up fueling our fears with false beliefs and self-sabotaging behaviors, for they are like a drug for fear. It needs that "fix" to stay in place and then reminds us of all things we "should" be afraid of—in ourselves, in others, in the world, in our workplaces, and in our neighbors. The more fuel we give to fear, the stronger the hold within us and the more our stories of victimization weigh us down. We feel awful inside. But ironically, we are too afraid to change. We may smile, hold down jobs, have families, and win awards, but deep inside, we fear that someone will find out "who we really are."
Shame takes over from there and pumps horrible thoughts about ourselves, and we begin to doubt our own worth. All day long, this bombardment happens in our minds. Thoughts and emotions emerge that we may not even be aware of but we feel deeply: anxiety, fear, low energy, never feeling good enough, feeling like a victim in many circumstances, depression, lethargy, and mania. You will learn how this happens, why this happens, and what exactly you need to know to end this vicious cycle. You will see that perhaps you are not who you really think you are. You will find that you are so much more and have encased within you talents and abilities not yet tapped into. Yet we keep chasing "shiny objects" to avoid what it takes to make purposeful changes. We waste so much time with very frivolous behaviors that exist in the periphery of our lives. This happens for a few reasons. First, we want to avoid going deep and just do enough introspection to get along. Second, it is easier to be distracted than focused. Third, we may not even be aware we are living in this cycle of shame.
Here is one example: television is a monumental waste of most people's time. That is not to say there are no beneficial programs to watch, but so little of it is worth our time. Programming on television is programming. What most people do not realize is that we are being entranced into watching boorish, silly, violent shows that are labeled "entertainment." Yes, it certainly does affect the thoughts and actions of society, which is one reason so many people feel like they are held hostage to the world around them. Yet they are the ones holding their own prison key. We need to be the protectors and gatekeepers of our minds and our hearts.
We all have courage within us. It is innately there, woven into our souls. Each of us has the capacity to be brave. We all have the courage to choose the right thing in spite of feeling afraid. I am sure you have experienced such times, especially if you have been bullied, abused, or shocked by a traumatic event in your young life. I will show you how you have been brave. By getting up in the morning and putting one foot in front of the other to go to school, perhaps the day after being beaten, molested, verbally attacked, or another type of trauma, you took it upon yourself as a child to keep going. In spite of what was going on around you, you were courageous. And you still are.
It is in us; it is our way of coping. Coping is what we withdrew from our courage accounts to keep us going. But how does coping work for us now? You will discover that answer as you read on.
I want to say this: I know, whether deep down or right on the surface, you want to make a life change, an inner-life change, once and for all, so you can live the life you dream of and desire. What's holding you back are the cogs in the wheel of your subconscious being. Those cogs are shame that you were never meant to possess. Shame is not your load to carry. None of us is made for that burden.
It is very good that you want to explore how to make the inner changes necessary for guiding you into making the best decisions for you and the life you dream of living. Instead of the so-so, maybe, we-will-see, I-can't, not-sure, I'm-not-good-enough, I-do-not-know-how kind of life you may be living in now. You see, you deserve a wonderful life. You deserve happiness, love, and a sense of freedom. And yes, you can have it. You already have it. Yes, all the goodness is there. You may not be aware that it is within you, but it is there.
Allow me to share a bit about my own life story with you, to give you background of who I am and why I wrote this book. From there, the awakening process beckons.
CHAPTER 2The Erasable Blueprint of Our Lives
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
Albert Einstein
Why I Care about You: We Are Alike
I was born in the mid 1950s in Ohio into an upper middle class family. I had six sisters and one brother. I was right in the middle. And yes, I acquired the middle-child syndrome persona. The older siblings were given most of the attention and most of the money was poured into their talents. The younger ones were given much of the time and attention for diapering, feedings, chasing after, and being disciplined.
My only brother was a monumental delight to my parents. He was seventh in line. At my young age, I wasn't so sure as to why this boy was so awesome. Although exciting, it was one more person to take away from the attention of my existence, and a boy to boot! Such were the thoughts and feelings of my immature child-mind.
The perspective and perceptions we begin to form as children are what build our foundations. My foundation was a little shaky from the get-go. If you were to ask my siblings, I am sure their perceptions and memories would be different from mine. Like with most children, what seemed real to me became my reality, so I lived out this middle-child life amid a large family, but I always felt alone.
My mother, who was overworked with eight children, depressed, and so very unhappy with her life when I was young, was not one to give comfort. I wanted to, and sometimes I had to, go to her. But there was a loss of tenderness and the echoes of a worn-out love. There was little comfort I received from her at the time—the comfort that children need when sick or hurt. I cried myself to sleep sometimes, so wanting my mommy. She was always too busy for just me. I was one of the many. Her time was limited and her demeanor shouted, "Do not bother me!" My attachment to her was one of ambivalence. I look back and see I felt herded, not nurtured.
My mother taught me what not to do as a mother, as a woman, and as a person. Yet true to form, she was also an example of change and taking charge of one's life over a lifetime; she became the example of how to change—how to become whole, sophisticated, and intelligent. She was a student of life. She was a mentor, of sorts, and an example of how a person can change. I know she did the best she could in my youth, when hell was breaking lose. She then looked at herself and her situation and started to turn her life around.
When I was a teen, she put up with a lot of my high drama, which stemmed partly from me being secretly sexually abused earlier in life. It started one night—one innocent night for a seven-year-old girl who woke up to being groped and fondled while breathing the rancid smell of alcohol on his breath. I was told not to tell anyone or the family would be torn apart. After a while, he finally left the room. But it was not to be the last time I would be sexually assaulted by this person, day or night.
How on God's green earth does a shy and innocent little girl even begin to understand what has just happened? Staying awake the rest of the night in tears and terror, I clung tightly to my sheets to create a barrier. When the sun rose, I got up half-dazed, put on my uniform, ate breakfast, and went to school. Numb, afraid, traumatized. I felt as though everyone could "see" what had happened. I felt as if I was branded and was left with this horrible feeling but could not identify it. It was years later that I realized it was the fiery, molten liquid of shame that had been poured into my psyche. Most children do not know how to share or talk about the offense or attack. I could not tell my mom, for she appeared so fragile to me when I was a child. I felt that I had to carry her burden of sadness as well as my own and that I was partly to blame. This built a wall of resentment and mistrust between us.
There were many times in my growing-up years being cornered and pinned up against a wall, forced to take the abuse coming my way. Even in a house full of people, a perpetrator knows exactly when to pounce. I was smacked around and hit as well. Being so young and so defenseless, I had no idea how to even express what was happening to me. Fear shook the core of my soul. Each time I felt more like a loser, more beaten down then the last. I tried to become invisible in my home. The feeling of embarrassment, of humiliation, was overwhelming for me, and my coping style for dealing with this was saturating my being with silence. I also coped by covering up and contorting my innocence and my creative mind. It was hell for me, as it is for all children who experience this type of trauma. I tried to avoid being seen. My father was gone a lot and was an angry person most of the time he was home. Sometimes, though, when he was drunk, he would hand my sisters and me money for no reason. Or, with no warning, he would become a beast. There was no real middle ground with him. Hot or cold. On or off. Nice or hurtful. Funny or caustic. He never was one to be "normal." He was an emotional abuser as well. His anger controlled the household. I feared him greatly. No, I should say, monumentally! I would actually hide in my closet, under my bed, or in the bathroom when he came home. As I stated, I wanted to be invisible. My heart would pound hard. I would slip out the back door to go play with a neighbor and pretend I was happy.
That, my friend, is coping skill #1 that we develop as victims. We pretend a lot. In this book, I will discuss the coping skills and how they help us survive as children yet devastate us as adults.
I got married at the age of nineteen. I was functioning by default, which, because of my limited understanding of the world, was the only way I knew how to live. Having had a religious experience in high school in the Christian religion, I learned all that I could about how to be a "good" Christian wife: put my past behind me, do what I was told, keep order in my home, and make my husband happy. Mind you, I did not even know how to make myself happy (it was not allowed), and I was operating with the mind-set that it is best to do what the church and Bible tell you to do. (Much later I learned that this was a centuries old way of controlling people with the masculine power in place. It is still taught as a belief to this day).
Well, if you are one mixed-up young adult, the Bible can seem very, very controlling and your life stays very dysfunctional. Still, I kept that belief system in place as much as I could on the outside, all the while questioning it on the inside.
After all, I was keeping up with my marriage as best I could with what I knew, but my husband was not keeping up his. The tricky part was that what others saw on the outside—this happy family—was not holding much truth on the inside. But, of course, no one knows what goes on behind other people's closed doors.
Pain Is Our Teacher
Over several years, the clarity of help and therapy were setting up strength in my heart and mind. There was to be no more living by default but a deeper desire to live my life with purpose, on purpose.
One dark, gray, mournful morning, I lifted my head off the pillow and literally had to pull myself up, barely making it to the edge of the bed. Shaking with fear, with burning tears running down my face and excruciating pain and pulses of fear pounding in my heart, I made a decision. In order to save my sanity and my children (whatever influence I had left in their lives), I had to separate from my hurtful and hurting husband. I had been married for twenty-six years. During the last four, it felt like I was holding it together by a thread. The heartbreak and defeat were actually my steps into courage. I found, however, that healthy decisions are neither easy to make nor easily executed. Thus, I now suffered the pain of making a hard decision that was right for me but painful for us all.
My very talented, witty, and charming husband was struggling with his own set of problems and demons. As I had been healing my own wounds, growing up, speaking up, and becoming my own person, this was not okay in my marriage. There were many painful issues going on at one time, and I had had enough. Pain is a great motivator for either sinking (giving up) or swimming (changing). I chose to swim.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from SHATTER SHAME AND SHINE by MARY ALICE COLEMAN. Copyright © 2014 Maryalice Coleman. Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Contents
Foreword, ix,Introduction, xiii,
Chapter 1: Funding Fear: Withdrawing Courage, 1,
Chapter 2: The Erasable Blueprint of Our Lives, 7,
Chapter 3: The Nitty–Gritty, 18,
Chapter 4: The Foundation of You, 33,
Chapter 5: Building a Person, 42,
Chapter 6: Who Are We Really?, 56,
Chapter 7: The Workings of Awareness, 79,
Chapter 8: New Blueprint, New Beliefs, 95,
Chapter 9: Thriving, Not Just Surviving!, 110,
Chapter 10: Our Beliefs Can Make or Break Us, 127,
Chapter 11: Summing Up: You Have the Permission and the Power to Change, 141,
Epilogue, 159,
Testimonials, 161,