In a voice somewhere between Cormac McCarthy and Kurt Cobain, John McManus explores young people living in extreme situations. Some are in the Tennessee Smoky Mountains, some in the Pacific Northwest, a few are in the Western deserts of Utah and Nevada, one is in England, and many are scattered throughout the Southern US. All are desperate for something beyond the ordinary lives that are given to them, and every one is absolutely unforgettable.
In a voice somewhere between Cormac McCarthy and Kurt Cobain, John McManus explores young people living in extreme situations. Some are in the Tennessee Smoky Mountains, some in the Pacific Northwest, a few are in the Western deserts of Utah and Nevada, one is in England, and many are scattered throughout the Southern US. All are desperate for something beyond the ordinary lives that are given to them, and every one is absolutely unforgettable.
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Overview
In a voice somewhere between Cormac McCarthy and Kurt Cobain, John McManus explores young people living in extreme situations. Some are in the Tennessee Smoky Mountains, some in the Pacific Northwest, a few are in the Western deserts of Utah and Nevada, one is in England, and many are scattered throughout the Southern US. All are desperate for something beyond the ordinary lives that are given to them, and every one is absolutely unforgettable.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9780312263973 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Picador |
| Publication date: | 06/01/2001 |
| Edition description: | First Edition |
| Pages: | 272 |
| Product dimensions: | 5.50(w) x 8.50(h) x 0.62(d) |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
Chapter One
Megargel
Once there came a storm. She spoke to her grandchildren in a voice that was near a whisper. Luke watched his cousins: Every one of their eyes was wide. How can she whisper and still be so loud? they were wondering. Her whispers rang in their ears like shouts. Once there came a storm that was greater than any storm we had ever seen. There was so much thunder you couldn't tell where one thunder ended and the next one started. The dogs were howling out on the back porch. One of the dogs was named Thunder—the retriever was named Tipper and the setter was named Thunder—and it was Thunder who was scared of the storms. Once there came a storm and it was so windy that the rocking chairs blew off the front porch. One of them blew up into the oak tree. I looked up into the tree at the chair and watched the entire trunk sway back and forth, and I knew that if it fell on the house, we'd be crushed.
The boys watched her, and their eyes were open wide. She held her arms downward by her sides and rested her hands upon the cushion of the couch. She never gestured.
Your grandfather was only twenty-two years old then, she said. I held Eliza in my arms and cried, but your grandfather was never scared. When lightning struck, his red cheeks shone in the light from the window. He stared out at the swirling storm and narrowed his eyes. It was the most intense stare I've ever seen. He could have been powering the storm with his eyes, she said, her face quivering as she grew nervous. He was very strong. He was fierce and strong, shesaid, and I looked to him for comfort.
Grandpa's eyes were burning, and Luke looked into them and shivered. Do you think I'm your friend, you fool? they seemed to be saying. Do you think I give a fuck about you?
There was a creek in their backyard. Birds everywhere; they chirped in every direction, from the grass and from the trees and from the sky. Scents on the back porch: the early-morning dew, the coffee, the iced tea—Luke sat and inhaled them. Their house was a sanctuary, and it was good to be out of the suburbs. He looked in through the french doors and saw the morning sun rays reflecting off the country pink wallpaper. His grandfather had put up the wallpaper and the molding himself, and he had carved the hutch, and his grandmother had crocheted the dishcloths. There were so many birds; birds upon the railing; birds seemed to have been summoned from every swamp from Bay St. Louis to Pascagoula.
Luke was sitting cross-legged upon the floor. His knees and elbows protruded in four sharp points. Grandpa's face was red, and Luke's eyes met the stare. If Grandpa died right now, Luke thought, his head could fall forward and crack my skull in two.
Trey was eleven. Nathan was thirteen. Phillip was twelve.
One day that week they moved all the furniture around in Grandma's living room. They put the red couch where the piano had been, and they used the piano to block the door. They turned the tables upside down. They took down all the pictures. Luke watched them giggle; they always giggled a lot.
Grandma's gonna get mad, he told them.
Shove it, they said.
Maybe we should put it all back where it goes now.
Hey, Luke, Nathan said, do you sit down on the toilet when you piss? They all laughed.
No.
They laughed more. He didn't understand why they laughed when he said no. What is the right thing to say, then? What could he say so that they wouldn't laugh?
When Grandma came back home from church and saw it, she yelled at all of them. He felt his cheeks turning red. I didn't do any of it, he said.
She started crying.
Why are you crying? he said. Trey and Nathan held back laughter. They looked at each other and started laughing, and Phillip was laughing too.
You think it's funny that your grandma's crying? she said to them. They tried to stop laughing. They were biting their lower lips with their teeth. It makes you happy to see me upset?
Luke stood in the corner quietly and tried to tune out the voices; he didn't want to start crying. Daddy always told him he was sensitive. Maybe he could tell them he was just sensitive, and they'd stop making fun of him; he could tell them that he couldn't help crying—it was because he was sensitive. But it wasn't only that he didn't want them to laugh.
He knew they would ask him why he was crying.
He knew he would just sit there and listen to them and cry harder. How the hell am I supposed to know why I'm crying? he wanted to say to them. Hell is a bad word. They would chant at him: Luke said a bad word, Luke said a bad word.
Grandma and Grandpa had him for three weeks every summer. Daddy said it would help his allergies to be so far south away from the pollen. You're sickly, he had always said. He spoke the word sickly like he was bragging. I'm so proud of you for being so sickly.
Grandma served iced tea on the back porch. She bought them Matchbox cars. Phillip and Trey and Nathan and Luke. Everybody gets a Matchbox car. His cousins picked out black Camaros. Oh look, Trey said, there ain't no more black ones. Looks like you'll have to get a pink one.
Luke's got a pink car. Luke's got a girlie car.
His cousins all lived in Gulfport. The houses were only ten or fifteen miles away. How do you get to the beach from here? they asked him.
You get on forty-nine and you—
Shut up. How the hell would you know? You're not from Gulfport.
He lived in Montgomery. It was a three-hour drive. Leave at four, arrive at seven. Leave at noon, arrive at three.
It was little things that always bothered him. He always had to take the last step on his right foot when he was walking. It had to be the right number of steps to the bathroom from the bedroom when he woke up in the middle of the night, and he had to end on the right foot.
He remembered that when he was three or four, he had been scared whenever his parents had gone anywhere after dark. He sat at the picture window in the living room and looked out at the road; he imagined them in their car darting toward the river as the green fields turned to black, the stars weighing down heavily, the summer heat stifling his breath as he heard the drone of the cars, the red lights flickering; it scared him. The fireflies, he thought, they're blinking in patterns, bright lunatic eyes, they're out there on the road driving, they're speeding through the night.
I'm gonna be a doctor, he had said to Mama. I'm gonna have an office on the twelfth floor and I'll have a big fish tank with big blue fish. He waved his arms swish swash through the air.
You can have as many big blue fish as you want, she had said. You're gonna be the best doctor there ever was; you're so smart you'll be the best anything you want.
He had asked her to tell him about the words. Tell me what I'd do with the words in the books, he said. She had told him the story: She told about how he pointed at each word and asked about it, so eager; what's that word, Mama, and what's that other word and what's the one after it.
You can never quit reading to him, she had said at the hospital. Luke sat in the hallway and watched the carts go by and listened to his parents talking through the door. He heard lots of noises. She was laughing but then he listened closer and she was sobbing. Read him twenty books a night, she said, always do it, don't you ever stop. Tell him what the words are.
* * *
You don't even realize what it is they're making fun of, Grandpa sneered. You don't even try to be like them.
Luke was startled.
You sit around the damn house and let them shove you around. You sit on the porch and watch your grandma make baskets. Like you're a little doll. Like you're her little fag doll. She thinks you're gonna be a preacher. Oh, he'd be perfect, she said. It's the devotion that I can see in his eyes; it's just like Eliza was. He swooned in her voice, hatefully, and he sneered with every word. Luke could hear her voice in his mockery.
He continued to speak. Look at your hair, he said. Look at your eyes. The symmetry of your face. You don't even see what I'm talking about.
Luke looked up at his grandfather's bright red head. He could see blue veins shining upon his cheeks, which were as rough as sandpaper. Luke thought he could see blond hairs still mixed in with the white ones. There was some yellowness stained on his mustache—that was nicotine—but Luke thought he saw yellow on his head.
I can see the person that I was, he said to Luke. It's genetic remanifestation. I'm jealous of you; you're going to get to do it all over again. Get out of Biloxi. Go somewhere else. Get out.
Luke wished Grandma would get home from the fruit and vegetable market.
You know I'm not the person your grandmother tells you I am, he said. Actually I don't know what she tells you. Whatever she tells you is wrong. I barely even lived with her until a year or so before you were born. I was in New York, Mexico City, São Paulo, Buenos Aires. When I was in the merchant marines they called me Megargel. That was the best they could say my name down there.
Luke listened to the sound of the name, and the syllables, and looked at the red cheeks. Megargel was an ugly word, he thought.
Grandpa rubbed his fingers against his cheeks. His eyes were shining. Luke could see the focal madness in his pupils. They're trying to get you to be a chickenshit, Grandpa said. You've let them make you a chickenshit.
Luke tried to keep his eyes from turning red.
Say, Grandpa said.
Huh?
Say.
Leave me alone.
I bet you're too chickenshit to even cuss, he said.
Luke stared back at him.
Say fuck, he said.
What?
Say fuck.
Luke was quiet.
Say it, you little shit. Say it, you little piece of shit. Say fuck.
Fuck.
That was pathetic. Say it louder. Say ffuuuccck. Say it like you mean it.
Fuck.
That's pathetic. She's making you into a little girl. She's doing you just like she did Eliza.
I wanna go home, Luke said when Grandpa had left later that evening.
What on earth would make you wanna go home? Grandma asked him.
He didn't answer.
I asked you a question.
I dunno.
Have you been fighting with your cousins?
No.
What is it then?
Nothing.
What is it, Luke?
He slumped down on the couch, trying to sink into the couch cushions. It's Grandpa, he mumbled.
What?
Luke was silent.
What?
Never mind, he said. I don't know.
You know your grandfather speaks out loud in his sleep, she said, her mouth curling down in uncertainty as if she feared punishment in return for what she had said. He talks like he's writing his will. He talks about his will, dictating it like I was his lawyer. You know he never tells me about it. I'm sure he has a will, but he never told me about it. He has money in the bank but he never tells me how much. Sometimes he talks in other languages; talks about people he never told me about. He sits there, upright in bed; he has one eye open looking straight into my mouth. He did it last night. I stared into his eye but it never met mine. He went on and on about his will. To you, he said, I leave nothing. To you I leave the skin that flakes off of my face.
Luke stared at her as she spoke.
Can you hear him when he does it? she asked him. He sounds so loud at night when the house is quiet.
Luke listened to her and imagined the images she had described. Late at night, when he was in bed, Luke could hear them snoring. The wind blew in through the windows on the south side of the house and out through the windows on the north side. All the lights were out. Trey and Nathan were asleep. Phillip was probably lying awake, but Phillip never talked to anyone but Nathan. Luke coughed a lot, and he was hot at night. The ceiling fans rotated slowly, and he watched the blades as they spun; he watched the shadows spinning in the darkness.
It seemed like everything in the house was fifty years old.
He smelled the cedar chest and the cheerywood trunk; the smells came alive in the darkness. He saw pine trees out the window. It's dark it's black bleck blick block bluck and the wolves will snare me when I'm unconscious. Half asleep, he lay whispering to himself not to be scared of the dark, and he heard the snoring through the walls, and he could feel his grandfather's thoughts seeping into his brain. He lay awake at four in the morning and the house was cold, and he listened to his grandfather's snores through the wall. The thermostat was always at sixty. He pictured Grandpa through the walls, buried beneath the three tattered blankets that he covered himself with every night, the blankets he had owned since childhood; he lay on the bed at four in the morning and imagined the red somnambulent body upright, standing with an agonizing lack of agility, inching toward the wall. He saw the withered body straightening its back, engaging its neck, the head rising slowly toward the hollow drywall, looming like a mechanized crane.
Slowly he fell into a dream. Lookit his face it's burning. Wrinkles that all are connected; black chasms; the wrinkles divide the red. One eye open and one eye shut, his forehead afire; he's speaking through its wrinkles. The downward end of his mouth slides open, a grunt forms in his throat; he emits its sound and speaks. The words slobber out of his mouth in uniform globs.
Luke tossed and turned in sleep. It was all made of words he had heard before, in the sermons, in books, on television, ordered for the darkness. Wrath implement spine. Mama, it's so scary when the words run together.
It was a waterbed that he and Phillip were sleeping on. There were waves when he jolted awake. There was one more voice from the dream: Death is not the end. He sat on the bed and sweated and stared out at the moon, saying, Please god, don't let him come through the walls.
He was alone in the room when he woke up. The sun shone into his eyes. He walked into the kitchen. Grandpa was at the table munching on corn flakes. His mouth was open as he ate, and he slurped the milk, and Luke watched the yellow teeth munch down on the garbled lumps of soggy grain.
Where is everybody? he asked.
Your grandma took the rest of them out to the toy store.
Why didn't she take me too?
You were asleep.
Why didn't she wake me up?
She's mad at you.
Luke felt his pulse jump.
She said you were saying bad things about me.
What? he said quickly.
She said you were shittalking me behind my back.
Luke felt his face turning red. He felt the blood pricking at his face like needles.
You'd better do something to make it up to her.
Luke looked into his grandfather's eyes; he was confused. What if she's really mad at me? he thought. I don't trust you but what if she's really mad at me.
I'm hungry, he said.
So?
Can I have breakfast?
No.
What do you mean no?
Why don't you just sit there and think about what I told you.
I'm hungry.
You just sit there and think about what I told you.
They came home at dinnertime. Luke was sitting on the couch watching television. Grandpa looked over at him. You just hush, he said; you just speak when you're spoken to.
They came in: Grandma Trey Nathan Phillip Charlotte. Charlotte was Luke's aunt, the mother of Trey and Nathan. He wanted to tell Grandma he was sorry, but he didn't want to talk in front of everybody. They were all carrying groceries in their hands, and they set them down on the counter. Luke wondered where the bags from the toy store were.
Why didn't you get anything at the toy store? he asked.
What made you think we were at the toy store? said Charlotte, and she laughed out loud and waved her hand in the air. I do declare.
Where were you then?
We told you yesterday, stupid, said Trey. We had to go to the doctor and the dentist.
Trey, don't call your cousin stupid.
It took the whole damn day.
Trey, don't cuss.
Grandma, Luke said, trying to get her attention. She didn't hear him.
You know I think you were right about the wicker, Charlotte, she said.
Of course I was right, Mother. You can't go wrong with wicker. She put her finger to her lips and glanced around the peach-colored kitchen. You know how much I love wicker.
Grandma and Charlotte cooked dinner together. Luke, said Charlotte, go out into the backyard and pick me three green tomatoes. He walked outside, obeying her, his head down. He didn't understand why they hadn't gone to the toy store. He walked out to the small square garden and picked the tomatoes; he moved his hand through the stagnant water in the birdbath and turned to go inside.
Luke, Charlotte said, these are ripe tomatoes.
So?
I said I wanted green tomatoes. Now what are we going to do with these ripe tomatoes? I guess they're just gonna sit there and rot.
I'm sorry, he said.
These are some of the best tomatoes.
I'm sorry.
Don't worry about it, said Grandma. We'll eat the tomatoes. It'll be okay. He went back outside to pick green ones. It cheered him to hear her say that it would be okay.
They moved around the kitchen in a flurry for nearly an hour, talking about cooking and about the garden and about the school where Charlotte worked. She was a teacher's aide. They hovered above the counter, chopping vegetables, speaking about things that did not concern him.
Trey and Nathan had to put the extra leaf in the table so that everyone could sit down for dinner. There were seven of them. In a circle they passed around dishes of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, cranberry sauce, green bean casserole, fried corn, stuffing, and fried green tomatoes. The sky grew dark outside; a storm was moving in. Charlotte said grace. Luke was always uncomfortable during grace because his father never said it at home before meals. He bent his head and glanced up at everyone; he watched their shut eyelids waver as he listened to the words. We thank you Lord for this meal that you put on the table for us and we thank you that we can feed our children well and that they can all be together again this summer; we thank you for giving us all so many reasons to be happy. Amen. They looked up and started eating.
Luke, put your napkin in your lap, said Charlotte.
Yes ma'am.
That's a lot of mashed potatoes you put on your plate, young man. You better eat them all, 'cause don't think you can just throw them in the trash.
Yes ma'am.
Grandpa sat across the table from him; he didn't seem to be eating. Luke watched him as he sat still, his fork balanced in his left hand above his plate, pointing out toward the door along the arrow that his eyes made, toward the door and toward Luke. Is he looking at me or is he looking through me? Luke wondered.
Do you like these fried green tomatoes? Charlotte asked him.
Yes ma'am.
Grandpa's eyes got narrower every time he answered her. Luke wondered whether he was trying to convey some sort of message. He could hear the sneering voice from the day before. Don't listen to her. Don't do what she says, you little pussy.
You know, she said, you should start playing a sport. Trey plays baseball and soccer. You're starting to get fat. Trey and Nathan giggled when they heard what she had said.
Grandma set her fork down. Why are you picking on him, Charlotte?
I just think he should be more active.
The boy is just fine the way he is, she said. Her hand quivered as she spoke. There's nothing at all wrong with him.
You're pampering him, Mother. She chewed on her chicken breast as she spoke. It's not enough for him to be smart. It's not enough for him to sit inside and talk to you all day.
Charlotte, she said, raising her voice, I don't want to hear you say another word about it. It made Luke happy to hear the passion with which she defended him. He ate his mashed potatoes and thought that everything was going to be all right.
Oh, for goodness' sake, Mother, Charlotte said. You treat him just like you treated Eliza, and look where it got Eliza to be treated that way.
She reached out and leaned across Nathan's plate and slapped Charlotte across the cheek. Grandpa stood up, throwing his chair backward against the floor: boom. Don't you ever hit my daughter. My daughter is safe in my house as long as I'm in it. Charlotte was wiping her nose; her mouth was hanging open, and she looked as if she hadn't dared to breathe since she was struck. Say you're sorry, Grandpa said. She was silent. He barked his order louder: Say you're sorry, woman, or I'll give you a damn fine reason to be.
She hid her face in her hand. I'm sorry, she murmured.
What?
I'm sorry.
I can't hear you.
I'm sorry.
Grandpa sat down. Damn right you're sorry. He looked around the table and rolled his eyes; he belched loudly and coughed and gulped his glass of tea, glancing around at every face in the circle, and he focused, locking eyes, upon Luke, who shivered. You see, there are winners and there are losers.
After dessert they were on the back porch. The air was humid. They sat on the porch and drank iced tea and breathed heavily in the moisture and watched the pink crepe myrtle flowers sway back and forth in the storm.
Roscoe was in the army, Grandma said. He went off to the army when I was a little girl and I couldn't remember what he looked like. I just remembered how he used to whistle. I thought about him walking up the driveway whistling. He'd whistle "Turkey in the Straw," over and over, and it was so clear and loud you could hear it a mile away. Well, one day Mama was all excited, she was picking flowers; I asked her what's going on and she said Roscoe's coming home. He was coming home on the train. I could hear the whistling in my head all over again.
We went to the train to meet him that night. It was due in at six. Six o'clock came and there wasn't a train and then seven came and went and eight o'clock and it was dark and we were all scared. You could hear the wind howling. I tugged on Mama's dress. When's it gonna come? I said, and she hushed me. The wind was blowing everybody's hair out of place.
It must have been midnight when the train people drove up. They came in a new Ford car. Everybody was going oh look at the car. They got out and everybody was quiet. The wind blew one of the men's hats off, and he bent down to get it.
You know what happened. I know I told you a million times. It was a train wreck. It derailed on the bridge. It went down into the water. I listened to him say that and I just watched his lips move and I watched Mama. She cried a lot. She must've cried for days after that. I don't think she was ever really the same. We went home and she locked herself up in her room upstairs and we could hear her bawling all night. But sometime late late after everybody else was asleep, real late, I heard a new sound. I'd been listening to Mama cry for hours, so I got all excited; it was something new. It was a melody. I was listening to Roscoe whistle down the driveway, and I heard each note, and it got louder as he got closer. The wind whistled along with him. That was 1931. He whistled down the driveway every night in June.
She stopped and smiled wistfully up at the ceiling; she let her eyes glaze over. I know it was him, she said. I know it was Roscoe.
Grandpa walked into the room. He walked over to her chair and stood above her. What are you talking about? he grumbled. His voice was deep and scratchy and loud. You never had a brother named Roscoe. She stared at him; she looked hurt. You were an orphan. They got you out of the mountains up in Georgia. You never would tell anybody what happened to your family.
Her mouth was hanging open. Raymond, she said, the children are here.
Fuck the children.
She stood up and gasped.
Your family probably put you out on the street cause you lied to them so much. If you could call it a street. I'd say it was probably more like a little dirt trail through the woods.
Raymond, I'm gonna smack your face.
Give it your best shot. Just remember what happened the last time.
Luke shut his eyes tight. It was important for everybody to be nice to each other. He shut his eyes and swayed back and forth and whispered shut up, shut up, shut up. He could feel his cheeks getting red and puffy as his eyes swelled up. Grandma looked at him. Her voice was cracking. Come give Grandma a hug, she said.
Luke looked at her across the room. Her back was bent, and her fingers curled up in gnarled shapes. Come give Grandma a hug. They were all staring at him. Grandma and Grandpa and Phillip and Trey and Nathan. He could feel their stares drilling into his head. Grandpa was staring at him. He was grinning and drinking a beer. Go hug her, his eyes seemed to be saying. It was like a dare. He grinned and narrowed his eyes. Dimples formed on his face; they quickly became camouflaged by all the wrinkles.
Come give Grandma a hug.
Luke watched them all stare at him. He couldn't move.
There never was any Roscoe, Grandpa said. If I hear that goddamn whistler story one more time I'm gonna break something.
Grandma never cried—there was never any liquid—but she just hung her head and let it bob up and down, and she made squeaking noises. She bobbed and squeaked, and her face crinkled up and contorted, like a damp piece of plastic wrap. He listened to it in the penultimate silence. Tiny globes of spit slid out of her mouth as her eyes glazed over. He saw something escaping from her eyes.
Luke shuddered.
It had always looked like Trey and Phillip and Nathan were paying attention to her stories, wide-eyed, listening when she told them. He realized that their eyes had not been wide; they had been empty. Tell the fucking story and leave me alone, they had been saying to themselves.
He couldn't help crying. They all turned to look at him. Why are you crying? Trey said.
Why do you think?
If I knew why you were crying, I wouldn't have asked you. Nathan laughed.
Luke didn't respond.
Why are you crying, Luke? This doesn't have anything to do with you.
What?
Why do you give a shit?
Watch your mouth, Charlotte said.
Why do you give a shit what happens? You don't live here. You think you can come down here for two weeks and start living our lives.
Grandma's eyes were blank. She sat as still as if she had been paralyzed by a stroke, and she rubbed the sleeve of her shirt against her palm.
Grandpa drove him home.
But Daddy's coming down to get me, Luke had said before they left. Don't you want to see Daddy? He's coming down from Montgomery.
Everyone stared at him. All the people on the porch. The bluebirds were chirping out in the yard.
He packed his bags when Grandpa told him to pack them. He carried it out to the Buick in the driveway and laid it gently down upon the seat. How long a drive is it gonna be? he asked, but he knew how long it would be.
Three hours.
They sped along I-10. Luke looked out at the pine trees swoosh by the window. On the trees he saw crows and buzzards. They turned north and sped along I-65. It's a beautiful day, said the radio man. Luke looked out and saw big fluffy clouds; he saw that the sky was a darker blue than the usual blue. He thought about school: The year would start in three weeks. He made a list to himself of what he needed to buy: paper pencils folders ruler protractor and compass. He tried to see how long he could repeat one word at a time in his head, over and over and over. He shrugged out at the flat fields of cotton.
You hate me, don't you kid? said his grandfather.
Luke folded his hands in his lap and tightened his lips.
I've been thinking about what I told you the other day, his grandfather said. Luke looked at him. I've been thinking about the shape you'll be in when you realize.
Realize what? he asked stubbornly.
Realize what a little shit you were to have been scared of everything.
They drove over the Mobile River. Luke shut his eyes. Grandpa was laughing. Luke spoke the name above the cackle: Megargel. Drive off the bridge, Megargel, he said to himself.
Ten years from now, Grandpa said. He was still laughing as he spoke, wiping his eyes and smiling wickedly forward. It'll be ten years or so and you'll realize it and I'll be dead by then. Everything is different now, you'll say. He talked in Luke's voice, mocking the words that Luke would speak, mocking Luke's high-pitched boy's voice:
I realize that I should have listened to him way back then. I could have lived the chaos. I could have fucked myself up real good.