That's Not What I Meant!: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships

by Deborah Tannen

Overview

“Tannen combines a novelist’s ear for the way people speak with a rare power of original analysis....Fascinating.”
—Oliver Sacks, author of The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat and The Mind’s Eye

In That’s Not What I Meant!, Deborah Tannen, renowned communication expert and author of the New York Times bestsellers You’re Wearing THAT? and You Just Don’t Understand, explores how conversational styles can make or break interpersonal relationships at home, at work, or at play. Fans of her books and the healthily curious reader interested in popular psychology, feminism, linguistics, or social sciences will be fascinated by Tannen’s remarkable insights into unintentional conversational confusion.  That’s Not What I Meant! is an essential guide to recognizing and adjusting what we say and how we are saying it in order to strengthen or save a relationship.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780062062994
Publisher:	HarperCollins
Publication date:	07/05/2011
Edition description:	Reissue
Pages:	224
Sales rank:	535,833
Product dimensions:	5.30(w) x 7.90(h) x 0.60(d)

About the Author

Deborah Tannen is Professor of Linguistics at Georgetown University in Washington, D.C. Her books include the New York Times bestsellers You Just Don't Understand, You're Wearing THAT?, Talking from 9 to 5, and You Were Always Mom's Favorite!. She has written for and been featured in numerous major newspapers and magazines, including the New York Times, Newsweek, USA Today, the Washington Post, and Time.

Hometown:

Washington, D.C. metro area

Date of Birth:

June 7, 1945

Place of Birth:

Brooklyn, New York

Education:

B.A., Harpur College, 1966, Wayne State University, 1970; M.A. in Linguistics, UC Berkeley, 1976; Ph.D., 1979

Table of Contents

Preface

Acknowledgments

I Linguistics And Conversational Style 15

1 The Problem Is The Process 17

2 The Workings Of Conversational Style 29

3 Conversational Signals And Devices 45

Part I Conversational Signals 47

Part II Conversational Devices At Work 54

II Conversational Strategies 63

4 Why We Don't Say What We Mean 65

Part I Why We Won't Say What We Mean 66

Part II Why We Can't Say What We Mean 71

5 Framing And Reframing 82

6 Power And Solidarity 101

III Talking At Home: Conversational Style in Close Relationships 119

7 Why Things Get Worse 121

8 Talk In The Intimate Relationship: His And Hers 133

9 The Intimate Critic 152

IV What You Can And Can't Do With Conversational Style 175

10 Talking About Ways Of Talking 177

Notes 201

Bibliography 206

Index 209

Editorial Reviews

Part pop psychology, part sociology and part anthropology, this book by a linguistics professor at Georgetown University focuses on the uncomfortable moments when a conversation inexplicably breaks down, and suggests how such awkwardness can be avoided. Noting that there exist a plethora of books on public speaking, Tannen instead considers ``private speaking,'' and particularly the ``metamessages'' we transmitwhat we say, our attitude toward those we speak with, and the specific occasioninvolving such elements as loudness, pitch and intonation. Using scenarios that illustrate communication gaps, Tannen also attempts to show readers how to save their marriages and triumph in job interviews. BOMC alternate. January 17

Publishers Weekly - Publisher's Weekly

Tannen, whose field is cross-cultural linguistics, focuses on conversational style rather than psychological content, and explains why good intentions are not enough. We begin all conversations with some expectation of how they will progress. If our expectations differ, unexpected responses seem irrational, and we may accuse each other of being deliberately obstructive. She emphasizes that there are no right or wrong ways to converse, only ways which work or don't work. By recognizing differences in style, and learning to work with them rather than against them, we can avoid misunderstanding. Tannen's writing is lively, she states her case clearly, and provides a fresh look at a subject which concerns us all. Recommended for popular collections. Margaret B. Allen, formerly with Bennington Free Lib., Vt.

Library Journal