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CHAPTER 1
THE 104-STORY TREEHOUSE
Hi, my name is Andy (moan).
Q Who am I?
A Andy. (I just told you that!)
This is my friend Terry (groan).
We live in a tree (moan, groan).
Q What did the rock say when it rolled into the tree?
A Nothing — rocks don't talk.
Well, when I say "tree," I mean treehouse. And when I say "treehouse," I don't just mean any old treehouse — I mean a 104-story treehouse! (It used to be a 91-story treehouse, but we've added another 13 stories.)
So what are you waiting for? Come on up!
Q Which side of a tree has the most leaves?
A The outside.
Q How did the idiot get hurt raking leaves?
A He fell out of the tree.
It's got a stupid-hat level, a money-making machine (that also makes honey),
Q Where does Dracula keep his money?
A In a blood bank.
a never-ending staircase, a Two-Dollar Shop (there's nothing over two dollars),
Q How do shells get around in the ocean?
A Taxi-crabs.
a Two-Million-Dollar Shop (there's nothing under two million dollars),
a refrigerator-throwing range (with a refrigerator-vending machine so we never run out of refrigerators),
Q Why did the boy fall off his bike?
A Because his mother threw a fridge at him.
a bunfighting level (with a bun-vending machine so we never run out of buns),
Q How can you say "rabbit" without using the letter R?
A Bunny.
Mount Everest, a burp bank,
Q What was the tallest mountain in the world before Mount Everest was discovered?
A Mount Everest, of course.
a tangled-up level (where everything is really, REALLY tangled up),
Q What do snakes do after a fight?
A They hiss and make up.
a deep-thoughts thinking room, a mighty fortress reinforced with extra-strong fortress reinforcer,
Q What is pink and can think?
A A brain.
and a beautiful sunny meadow full of buttercups, butterflies, and bluebirds.
Q Where do butterflies sleep?
A On cater-pillows.
As well as being our home (moan), the treehouse is also where we make books together. I write the words, and Terry draws the pictures.
As you can see (groan), we've been doing this for quite a while now.
Q Why did the fly fall off the wall?
A Because it had a piano tied to its leg.
There are, of course, a lot of distractions in a 104-story treehouse (moan) ...
Q What's gray?
A A melted penguin.
but somehow we always get our book written in the end (groan).
Q Why did the boy throw his clock out the window?
A Because he wanted to see time fly.
CHAPTER 2
ANDY'S ACHING TOOTHACHE
If you're like most of our readers (moan), you're probably wondering (groan) why I'm moaning and groaning so much. Well, the reason is I've got a really bad toothache. "Hi, Andy," says Terry, prancing toward me with a couple of lambs by his side. "What a lovely day it is in our beautiful sunny meadow full of buttercups, butterflies, and bluebirds!"
"No, it's not," I say. "It's a terrible day! I've got the most aching toothache in the world!"
"Hey, that reminds me of a joke," says Terry. "What time did the boy go to the dentist?"
"I don't know and I don't care!" I say. "My tooth is hurting!"
"That's right," he says, laughing. "Two thirty. Get it? Tooth hurty. Just like you!"
Q What time do you go to the dentist?
A Two thirty.
"Yes, I get it," I say.
"Then why aren't you laughing?"
"Because my tooth is hurting too much! It's hard to laugh when I'm in so much pain."
"That's too bad," says Terry, "because I love jokes! I reckon we should write a whole book of them."
"I'd love to," I say, "but with this toothache I just don't feel funny enough to write jokes. In fact, I'm not sure I even feel funny enough to write this book."
"But we have to write this book," says Terry. "Otherwise, Mr. Big Nose will get mad!"
"I know," I say. "I just don't know how we're going to do it. This toothache is killing me."
"Hey, look up there in the sky!" says Terry. "It's a bird!"
I look up to where Terry's pointing. "I don't think it's a bird," I say. "That's Superfinger."
Q If life gets tough, what do you have that you can always count on?
A Your fingers.
"No, it's not a bird or Superfinger," says Terry. "It's a biplane! And it's got a sign!"
"A joke-writing pencil, Andy!" says Terry. "That's exactly what we need! It could help us write jokes, and it might even help us write our book even though you have a toothache. We should get one. Today!"
"But where from?" I say, just as a second biplane flies overhead.
Q Why did the plane crash?
A Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.
"From a Two-Dollar Shop, that's where!" says Terry. "And we've got a Two-Dollar Shop right here in our treehouse!"
"You're right," I say (moan). "But I've only got one dollar."
"Darn, I've only got one dollar as well," says Terry.
"Hmmm ..." I say.
Q Is an old 100-dollar bill worth more than a new one?
A Yes, it's worth 99 more dollars.
"I've got an idea!" says Terry. "Why don't we put our two one-dollar coins together and then we'll have two dollars?!"
"Would that even work?" I say. "Is it even possible? Do the laws of mathematics even allow such a thing?"
"I think they do," says Terry. "But there's only one way to find out for sure. Let's go to the Two-Dollar Shop and see if Pinchy McPhee will let us buy a two-dollar Joke Writer 2000™ with our two one-dollar coins!"
Q What did one math book say to the other math book?
A "Do you want to hear my problems?"
"I didn't know our sunny meadow had a videophone," says Terry. " Of course it does," I say. "Most meadows do these days."
"I hope it's not Mr. Big Nose," says Terry.
"I'm afraid it might be," I say.
"I'm afraid, too," says Terry.
I answer the phone. "Hello (moan), Mr. Big Nose," I groan. "What's with all the moaning and groaning?!" shouts Mr. Big Nose, scaring a flock of butterflies fluttering close to the screen. "I don't have time to listen to moaning and groaning! I'm a busy man, you know!"
"I know," I say, "but my tooth —"
"I don't have time for explanations," interrupts Mr. Big Nose. "And neither do you. Your book is due today. It had better be on my desk by two thirty, or else!"
Q What demands an answer but asks no question?
A A telephone.
"Well, we're running a bit behind," I say, "because of my toothache, but we've got a good idea to put lots of jokes in —"
Mr. Big Nose interrupts me again. "How about this for a joke?" he says. "What's big and red and gets bigger and redder the angrier it gets and then explodes if a certain writer and illustrator don't get their book to me by the deadline, which, just in case you've forgotten, is two-thirty p.m. today?"
"Um, beats me," says Terry.
"Me too," I say. "We give up."
"MY NOSE!" shouts Mr. Big Nose. "THAT'S WHAT! SO YOU'D BETTER GET IT DONE BY TWO THIRTY TODAY, OR ELSE!"
Q What's big and red and eats rocks?
A A big red rock-eater.
"Yes, Mr. Big Nose," I say, but he's already gone.
"I didn't think that was a very funny joke," says Terry.
"No, I think it was more of a threat than a joke," I say. "We'd better get to the Two-Dollar Shop and buy a Joke Writer 2000™ fast!"
"Let's take our jet-propelled swivel chairs," says Terry. "It's quite a long way up." Terry whistles and the chairs appear instantly.
Q What's big and red and eats big red rock-eaters?
A A big red big red rock-eater.
We jump on.
"To the Two-Dollar Shop!" yells Terry as we take off at jet-propelled, supersonic swivel-chair speed.
Q What rocks but does not roll?
A A rocking chair.
CHAPTER 3
PENS, PENCILS, AND WRITING UTENSILS
We arrive at the Two-Dollar Shop. Pinchy McPhee is out front, waving his claws around and singing at the top of his voice.
Grand Sale! Grand Sale! I'm having a great grand sale! All items in my Two-Dollar Shop Are priced at just TWO DOLLARS a pop!
Not one, not three Not five: just TWO! Just TWO dollars! It's amazing — but true! So —
"Excuse me, Pinchy," I say quickly (before he can start a third verse), "but isn't everything in the Two-Dollar Shop always only two dollars?"
"Of course," says Pinchy. "But today is a grand sale, so two dollars is an extra-special price!"
Q What did the bird say at the sale?
A "Cheap! Cheap!"
Terry frowns. "But if everything is normally two dollars and your sale price is two dollars, how is today different from any other day?"
"Because any other day is not a grand sale and today is!" says Pinchy, getting slightly crabby and waving his claws dangerously close to us.
We nod and step into the shop before he can get any crabbier.
"Wow!" says Terry. "This shop has everything! Check it out!"
Q What do you call a sheep without legs?
A A cloud.
"Hey, look at this electric banana," says Terry. "It's only two dollars!"
"And this giant glow-in-the-dark marshmallow is bigger than my head," he says. "And it's only two dollars, too!"
"And check out this model of our treehouse!" says Terry. "We could buy it and have a treehouse in our treehouse!"
"And there's also a model of the model of the treehouse!" he says. "We could have a treehouse in our treehouse in our treehouse!"
Q What's yellow and smells like bananas?
A Monkey vomit.
"Oh, wow!" says Terry, picking up a golden toilet seat. "Here's that solid-gold toilet seat we've always wanted — and it's only two dollars as well! Can we get it, Andy? Please, please, please, please, please, please? A solid-gold toilet seat would solve all our problems!"
"No, it wouldn't," I say. "We came to buy a Joke Writer 2000™ and that's what we're going to do. That is going to solve all our problems."
"Oh, yeah, I forgot," says Terry, turning to Pinchy. "Excuse me, Pinchy, do you sell pencils?"
"Of course I do," says Pinchy. He takes a deep breath and starts singing.
I have pens and pencils and writing utensils Of all sorts right here in my store: I have dip pens and gel pens and ballpoints And crayons and markers galore!
Q Why did Tigger go to the bathroom?
A He was looking for his friend, Pooh.
I have a pen you can use as a lipstick,
And a pen that can write underwater,
And a pen for writing excuses,
In case you haven't done something you oughta.
I have a pen that can write upside down Like the astronauts took into space,
And a pen you can use to write notes on your hand.
Or — if you prefer — on your face.
And here is a pen,
My pen-loving friends,
That comes with a little night-light.
You can write in the night For as long as you like Because the little night-light is quite bright!
Q Where do astronauts park their spaceships?
A Parking meteors.
And here is a pen With a fan on the end —
You can use it to write when it's hot.
And it also comes with a heater attached So you can write whether it's hot or it's not.
I have a pen that writes with invisible ink,
That's particularly good for spies,
And a pen that always tells the truth And one that will only write lies.
I have a pen that changes into a car,
And one that turns into a jet.
And a pen with fur and ears and a tail —
It's the next best thing to a pet!
Q What did one pencil say to the other pencil?
A "You're looking sharp!"
So, as you can see, I have all you could need,
And no pen is priced over two dollars.
I have bargains galore in my two-dollar store For authors, illustrators, and scholars!
"So, what will it be?" says Pinchy. "What type of pen or pencil would you like?"
"A Joke Writer 2000™, please," I say. "I'm afraid I'm clean out of them," says Pinchy. "They've been very popular this morning, thanks to my biplane advertising campaign. But not to worry, I have lots of other wonderful pens and pencils."
He takes a deep breath.
"Uh-oh," whispers Terry. "I think he's going to sing again."
"No, it's okay, Pinchy," I say quickly. "We really just want a Joke Writer 2000™."
Q What did the pen say to the pencil?
A "So what's your point?"
"I guess you could try Fancy Fish's Two-Million-Dollar Shop," says Pinchy. "He might have one."
"Thanks, Pinchy!" says Terry. "We'll go there right now."
We fly to the Two-Million-Dollar Shop as fast as we can without stopping.
The Two-Million-Dollar Shop is much better than the Two-Dollar Shop, but, of course, all the stuff is a lot more expensive.
"Wow!" says Terry. "This shop has everything! Check it out!"
Q What's a plumber's favorite song?
A "Singin' in the Drain."
Q Why do birds fly south?
A Because it's too far to walk.
"Greetings, my good fellows," says Fancy Fish. "Welcome to my two-million-dollar emporium. How may I be of service?"
"We'd like to buy a Joke Writer 2000™, please," I say.
"An excellent choice, if I may say so, sir," says Fancy Fish. "The Joke Writer 2000™ is a wonderful pencil and very well-priced at only two million dollars. They have proved enormously popular — in fact, this is my last one." He places it on the counter in front of us.
Q What's green, sticky, and smells like eucalyptus?
A Koala vomit.
"We'll buy it!" says Terry.
"Hang on, not so fast," I say. I turn to Fancy Fish. "Will you excuse me for a moment while I consult with my colleague?"
"Of course," says Fancy Fish.
I draw Terry aside.
"What's the matter, Andy?" he says. "It's exactly what we need."
"Yes," I say, "but it costs two million dollars and we only have two one-dollar coins!"
"Oh, yeah," says Terry. "That's too bad ... unless ... unless ..."
"Unless what?" I say.
"Unless we use our money-making machine to make one million, nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight dollars? Then we can add our two one-dollar coins and we'll have two million dollars!"
"Brilliant!" I say. "Why didn't I think of that?"
"Because you've got a toothache, that's why."
"Ouch!" I say. "Thanks for reminding me."
Q Where do fish go for their vacation?
A Finland.
I turn to Fancy Fish. "Hold that Joke Writer 2000™ — we'll be right back!"
"Well, I'll try," says Fancy Fish, "but I can't guarantee anything. At this price it won't last long."
Q Why do some fish live at the bottom of the ocean?
A Because they dropped out of school.
CHAPTER 4
THE 100-BEAR BUNFIGHT
We hurry to the money-making machine.
"How do you turn this thing on?" I say.
"Easy," says Terry. "You just flick the 'honey/money' switch to 'money' and then press the 'on' button — like this."
The machine whirs into action and money starts flying everywhere.
"Making money is fun!" says Terry as he jumps around excitedly, snatching money out of the air.
"Be careful," I say. "Don't bump the 'honey/money' switch."
Q What is harder to catch the faster you run?
A Your breath.
"Oops," says Terry as he slips backward and bumps into the HONEY/MONEY switch!
The machine makes a weird growling, gluggy sound as it switches from making money to making ...
Q What did the bee say to the flower?
A "Hello, honey!"
Before we know it, we're up to our knees in honey! It's pouring out of the machine in great sticky waves.
"Terry, you idiot!" I yell. "You bumped into the 'honey/money' switch."
"I'm sorry," says Terry. "But it's okay, I've turned the machine off now." "Then why is it still making that weird growling sound?" I say.
"That's not the machine," says Terry. "That's actual growling — I think it's coming from all those bears!"
"Bears?" I say.
"Yes," says Terry. "Look!"
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "The 104-Story Treehouse"
by .
Copyright © 2018 Backyard Stories Pty Ltd..
Excerpted by permission of Feiwel and Friends.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
