"In my family, misery didn't just love company; it wanted hostages!"
All Candice Brown ever wanted was to belong, but when your mom resents you, that's not a reality. Turmoil seems to follow Candice. She dreams of feeling the one thing she lacks in her life—love—but love only leaves Candice alone as a teenage mother.
Being sent away by her mom seems like the escape she needs, but is it? She is placed with a case manager who appears to be a source of solace and acceptance, but who, in reality, could leave Candice more damaged than she already is.
"In my family, misery didn't just love company; it wanted hostages!"
All Candice Brown ever wanted was to belong, but when your mom resents you, that's not a reality. Turmoil seems to follow Candice. She dreams of feeling the one thing she lacks in her life—love—but love only leaves Candice alone as a teenage mother.
Being sent away by her mom seems like the escape she needs, but is it? She is placed with a case manager who appears to be a source of solace and acceptance, but who, in reality, could leave Candice more damaged than she already is.
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Overview
"In my family, misery didn't just love company; it wanted hostages!"
All Candice Brown ever wanted was to belong, but when your mom resents you, that's not a reality. Turmoil seems to follow Candice. She dreams of feeling the one thing she lacks in her life—love—but love only leaves Candice alone as a teenage mother.
Being sent away by her mom seems like the escape she needs, but is it? She is placed with a case manager who appears to be a source of solace and acceptance, but who, in reality, could leave Candice more damaged than she already is.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781622862153 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Kensington |
| Publication date: | 10/29/2019 |
| Edition description: | Reprint |
| Pages: | 416 |
| Product dimensions: | 4.09(w) x 6.73(h) x 1.10(d) |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
CHAPTER 1
Memories: This is My Life
Candice
November 18, 1975, Camilla Marcellino-Brown gave birth to her first child: me, Candice Brown. My conception and birth were unplanned and prohibited my mother from pursuing her law degree. She did in fact finish school to become a paralegal, but that wasn't sufficient enough for her. Without question, she blamed me and my dad for that. From the age of fourteen, Mother had her life strategically outlined. However, she fell for a Jamaican. Una scatola di cioccolatinis: her box of chocolate, as she called him. He was also known as my dad, and her life had been shipwrecked ever since if you let her tell it. I could actually speak on it verbatim as if I'd experienced it with her. It'd been drilled into my head from birth. However, I could recall vividly at the age of twelve when the verbal lacerations began to permanently scar me. There are some things one just cannot forget, no matter how hard you try. Trust me, I've tried, but her words were like tattoos: permanent, and the removal process has been very painful. They say the only way to remove a tattoo is to have it lasered, and even that would leave scarring. Consequently, no matter how much counseling I'd undergone, the mutilation remained.
Being the offspring of parents who were high achievers placed a huge amount of pressure on me from birth. Mother had her life all mapped out on her vision board. She would be a wife by the age of twenty-three, become a lawyer, have three children, daughters who would follow in her footsteps and become attorneys as well, and live happily ever after. Well, that came to a screeching halt when she found herself pregnant at the tender age of sixteen by my dad, the 23-year-old African American and Jamaican flight attendant. Being that my mom was Italian, her parents disapproved of her dating a Moolie, as they referred to him. As soon as they caught wind of her being pregnant with me, the family completely disowned her. She was labeled a disgrace to the family and was now considered dead to them. This outcome weighed heavily on my father, which he continued to conceal as he uninterruptedly lived with decades of guilt because of it. So I thought.
I must admit, my dad wasn't as bad as Mother. Or maybe he was. He lacked a backbone and allowed Mom to wear the dress, stilettos, and pants. Dad did whatever she said and how she said it. Primarily out of remorse. It was her world. We were just her squirrels trying to get a nut. Of course, ones she handpicked for us. Everything changed for our family, especially me, November 14, 1990, when my mother gave birth to my identical twin sisters, Casey and Cassidy. It was the same day I found out I was sixteen and pregnant. The apple didn't fall far from the tree. Mother put me out with the quickness and sent me straight to Hope House, a rooming house for teen mothers. Now I had a boatload of new scars.
Reflecting on the verbal assault still hurt, as the memories were a constant reminder that my mother never loved me and hated me no matter how hard I tried to make her happy. In the beginning, she would insult me here and there. That all changed when I was around 10 years old. The words that escaped her lips while she combed my hair still haunt my heart and mind day in and day out, like a permanent fixture.
"Candice, come in here and let me comb that Brillo head of yours. I don't know how I ended up with a daughter with untamable hair. That's what I get for losing my virginity to a black man," she mumbled.
"Mother, do I have to hear this again?"
Slapping me clear across the face as I approached her, she said, "You need to know how you ruined my life. You were not planned, and I am now paying the consequences because of it. Every time I look at you, I get sick to my stomach. Why does your skin have to be so much darker than mine? The least you could have done was come out a shade darker than me, and not have the looks or be the mirror of a black woman's child. You need to hear me and hear me good. No man will ever respect you or take you seriously, because of the color of your skin. The only thing you will be good for is lying on your back. You better make it your business to do exceptionally well in school. Your beauty will not help. You are too dark. No man wants a woman he can't see when the lights are off. Why do you think your father chose me?"
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, Mother."
"You should be sorry, but sorry will not get you anything except babies you didn't want or plan for. Do you know when I was two or three years older than you are now, I had my life outlined? I planned to have three daughters, and each of them would be born two days before or two days after my birthday, November fifteenth, if not on the same exact day. How in God's name an unplanned pregnancy resulted in me giving birth three days after my birthday is beyond me. I think you are a curse and I am paying for my infidelities. The best and only good thing that has come out of all of this is your father taking me in as soon as he found out I was pregnant after my parents threw me away."
"Mother, can I ask a question?"
"What is it?"
"How can a woman plan the date she has a baby? I thought the doctor tells you the date."
"How and why would a mutt like yourself know anything about what a doctor would say about a baby? The last thing you should be concerned with is how or when a child is conceived, unless you're planning early to be like the rest of these Aunt Jemima — looking women, living off the system, having baby after baby. Is that what you want?"
"No, Mommy. I was just asking because —"
"What did I tell you about calling me Mommy? That name is for children who are planned and look like their mommies. Not blackened little girls like you. Mother is my name to you, and I am not going to tell you again," she scathed, yanking my hair as she combed it.
"I am sorry, Mother."
"You were born sorry. That is why you look the way you do. You're not pretty. Not even makeup will help you. I don't even think they make cosmetics for your color anyway, so you're really headed up shit's creek. In any event, to answer your question, since you're not learning anything in that public school you attend, the doctor you are referring to is called an ob-gyn. They will determine your progress, but you have to do the homework and research. For instance, if your cycle typically falls within the first week of the month, you would start trying about five to seven days after it finishes. This is what I originally planned on doing in order to give birth to my successor and protégé, but it never happened, considering I struck out with you."
"I'm sorry for asking, Mother. I didn't know."
"You wouldn't know that. They don't teach things like that in public school, and as you know, private schooling is out of the question for you. You wouldn't fit in with the other kids. You'd probably make them feel uncomfortable with your skin tone and all. Listen, I am not here to sugarcoat anything. I am preparing you for what's out there. It will be very difficult for you, but if you listen to me and get an education, you might get somewhere in life. You don't have time for any hang-ups. You already have one strike against you that you were born with. I'd blame your father for that, but I know he and I both are being punished for rushing things. God in heaven knows that had I not gotten pregnant with you, my parents and family would not have disowned me. Just thinking about it infuriates me. Go to your room now!"
Running into my room, dropping to the floor, I silently prayed. 'God, it is me, Candice. Why did I have to come out like this? No one likes me. My dad is the only one who's nice to me. Mother pretends to like me when he's around. Why does everyone hate me? Why did you make me like this? Every night I take a bath in bleach, and I am still darker than mother. I sit in that tub for hours even when it burns my eyes, and nothing. What am I to do? Help me please!" I cried before sleep took over.
Just reminiscing about my childhood angered and hurt me to the core. I tried my best to be the perfect child my mother wanted. No matter what I did, it wasn't good enough for her. My grades were noteworthy, and I stayed on the honor roll. The only time I could enjoy myself and let my hair down was at school. I dreaded the weekends, holidays, and summer vacations. Mother didn't allow me to have friends over or go to anyone's home. However, all of that changed when I was forced into my first job at Burger King.
Honestly, at the onset, a job was the last thing I wanted after being in school all day. What I did want and longed for was to run track. Needless to say, when I proposed the idea to mother, she rejected it without a second thought. She had plans of her own for my "idle time." It was a Monday afternoon, and I could recall it accurately because it was the day after my fifteenth birthday. November 18 was the day I was born and never celebrated because it was the day that completely ruined mother's life forever. As for my dad, he was rarely around. He worked around the clock to accommodate Mother's lavish lifestyle, one she said I could only dream of having and had to work extremely hard and nonstop for if I wanted any part of it.
"Candice, did you do what I asked you to do?"
"Yes, Mother, I picked up my working papers."
"Good, because I was able to pull some strings, and as long as you have your papers you can start work at the Burger King on Main Street tomorrow after school."
"What about track? I wanted to join the team. My gym teacher said I have potential."
"Potential to be like the rest of the porch monkeys sitting around eating chicken and watermelon, thinking sports, a man, or God forbid becoming a rapper is going to save them? Save yourself and run your wide ass straight to work. Listen, if you want the finer things in life, you have to work for them. I hope you know the cotton fields weren't just made-up stories for you to read or learn about in your textbooks. Those were real-life situations to teach and reinforce responsibility. You will excel in life. You will not be like any of them. Not with my DNA pumping through your veins. I don't care how dark you are. Look at your father. He wouldn't think twice about working because he knows where he came from and who he has the privilege of coming home to. And it's not one of those lazy jungle bunnies."
"Yes, Mother."
"Yes yourself into that kitchen and get ready for dinner."
Sometimes I wondered how my mother had friends. She could be the meanest person in the world at times. Maybe that was just toward me because I didn't look like her and my skin was a brownish tan. All I knew was my dad's skin was darker than mine, and she loved the ground he walked on. I didn't get it at all, but this was my life, and it looked like I was stuck with it.
I had to go to bed. I had a long, dreadful day ahead of me tomorrow.
CHAPTER 2Camera Eye: Life-changing Events
Candice
Mother was so upset and disappointed with me about the way I looked that I now detested my appearance. When I looked in the mirror, all I saw were flaws. I'd covered up the mirror in my bedroom with pictures of Mother in hopes to look like her one day. I didn't know how that would happen, but I did pray every day for it to miraculously take place. I just wanted her to love me. In school, all the other girls just stared at me. I knew it was because I was not as pretty as they all were. I tried to befriend everyone who allowed me to so I was not alone, and for the most part, it had been all right.
Working at Burger King forced me to talk to people, smile, and have them stare in my face while speaking to me. That had been the most uncomfortable feeling in the world. Most of the time, I just wanted to cry, but if I messed this job up, my mother would be disappointed in me. I knew when they looked at me they were disgusted with what they saw, and I didn't blame them. All I could do was smile and do my job to avoid any further problems or trouble with my mother.
Because I was a quick learner, I was bumped up to the register and was able to stay later to help with closing the store once a week. My manager, Alonzo, said it was illegal and I shouldn't tell anyone, but it would put extra money in my pocket, so I went along with it. Mother didn't care as long as I was out of the house working. I guessed she was used to it since Dad was never home and worked all the time.
Alonzo DeMartini was the store manager and probably one of the nicest people I had ever met. When we worked late, he allowed me to vent. I shared a few things with him after he hounded and asked why I was so sad all the time and the reason behind my clothes being two sizes too big. In the beginning, I ignored him, being that he was a 19-year old stranger and knew nothing about me. Boy was I wrong, because he saw right through me.
"Hey, new girl, I think I know why you wear your mother's clothes to school."
Looking down at the natural stone-colored ceramic tile flooring, I snapped, "My name is Candice, and you do not know me. I just work for you and that is all. Oh, and for the record, I do not wear my mother's clothes to school. How would you know anyway? I have on a uniform."
"You don't wear it to work. That's how I know. What or who are you hiding from? Are you in the witness protection program?"
Laughing uncontrollably, I managed to reply, "Why are you so crazy?"
"I am a little crazy. But seriously, I just wanted to try to lighten you up and make you smile. You have a beautiful smile. Why do you constantly cover it up with a frown? Life can't be that bad for you."
"You have no idea what my life is like, so save it and thanks for the laugh."
"Look, if you're going to be working late with me on Thursdays, we need to be able to get along and not work with so much tension. You're entirely too young to be walking around upset and down all the time. Life hasn't even hit you yet. I don't get it."
"Life hit me the day I was born. Do you not see the way I look?"
"No, because you are in hiding, remember?"
"To be so old you're never serious. Why is that?"
"There's a time and a place for everything, and life is too short to walk around miserable. I am not where I want to be in life yet, but I am going to make it my business to be happy until I get there. Tomorrow isn't promised to any of us."
"You have a point, but my life is nothing like yours, so that's a little hard for me to do."
"Life is what you make it. I think if you spend some of those King dollars in your paycheck on some clothes that fit, take that thing out of your head, and let your hair down, you might see things differently."
"Clothes and taking my hair down will not change my appearance. I was born this way, so thanks, but no thanks."
"You were born beautiful and will grow into a gorgeous woman. What mirror have you been looking in? You must not see what I see."
Wow, that is the first time in my life anyone has ever called me beautiful. He thinks I'm beautiful? How is that? He is tall with bronze skin that is a shade or two lighter than I am. With black hair combed back and a muscular build, he is a ladies' man, no doubt. I can't believe he of all people said I am beautiful and gorgeous in the same sentence.
"Where did you just go? Hello? Candice?"
"Oh, I am sorry. I was just thinking."
"About what?"
"Well, no one has ever said those things about me, and it kind of made me feel weird, but thank you."
"You have got to be kidding me. All the little boys in school must chase after you all the time."
"I don't pay them any attention. Some of them make fun of me, and others are nice. I am in school to learn. I don't have time for hang-ups. I was born with one and don't need any added to it."
"Hang-ups?"
"It's a long story that I really don't want to talk about it. We're supposed to be working anyway."
"We're done, so talk to me."
"I'd rather not."
"Come into the office for a minute. Let me show you something."
After I followed him into the jumble of organized chaos that included stacks and piles of papers that littered the surface of a desk, he closed the door behind me. Out of reflex, I reached for the doorknob in fear, because I didn't understand why he closed the door.
"Relax, I just want to show you what's behind the door," he reassured me, pointing to a full-length mirror. "Do you see what I see?"
Looking down at the floor, I responded, "Yeah, a mutt named Candice."
"Sweetheart, you are far from a mutt. I don't know what poison is being shoved down your throat, but the person I see in that mirror is one hot babe with big-ass clothes on. You even managed to get a uniform twelve sizes too big," he mentioned, lifting my chin for me to get a better look at myself through his eyes.
With tears bombarding my tan skin, and trembling lips, I cried, "Mother says I am a disgrace and she is ashamed of me. I didn't mean to be born this way."
"You have no control over how you are born, and your mother is out of her mind. She is probably upset because you're so much hotter than her. No offense."
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "The Case Manager"
by .
Copyright © 2019 Latoya Chandler.
Excerpted by permission of KENSINGTON PUBLISHING CORP..
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Title Page,
Copyright Page,
Prologue,
PART ONE - Where It All Began,
Chapter One - Memories: This is My Life,
The Early Years,
Chapter Two - Camera Eye: Life-changing Events,
Chapter Three - Memorial: From Bad to Worse,
Chapter Four - The Voices: You Hurt Me,
Chapter Five - Scared Emotions: Lonely Heart,
Chapter Six - The End: Life and Death,
Chapter Seven - Motherhood: The Journey,
Chapter Eight - Nightmares: Sins of a Father,
Chapter Nine - Love: To Love and Be Loved,
Chapter Ten - Lessons: Life on Your Terms,
Chapter Eleven - Love: A Mother's Love,
Chapter Twelve - The Boys: Brotherly Love,
Chapter Thirteen - The Grief: United in Pain,
Chapter Fourteen - Life: Can You Stand the Rain?,
Chapter Fifteen - Tag Team: My Sister's Keeper,
PART TWO - Five Years Later,
Chapter Sixteen - The Truth: Beauty and Terror,
Chapter Seventeen - Resentment: The Blame Game,
Chapter Eighteen - The Truth of the Matter,
Chapter Nineteen - Confessions: The Awful Truth,
Chapter Twenty - I'm Sorry: Clearing the Air,
Chapter Twenty-one - Poison: A Brother's Hurt,
Chapter Twenty-two - Reunited: Sister-Sister,
Chapter Twenty-three - Blackout: Bittersweet,
Chapter Twenty-four - Free: The Cost of Freedom,
Chapter Twenty-five - Alone: Lonely and Confused,
Chapter Twenty-six - Family: My Support System,
Chapter Twenty-seven - Dear God: Why Me?,
Chapter Twenty-eight - The Unexpected: The Past vs. the Present,
Chapter Twenty-nine - Open Wounds: Talking It Out,
Chapter Thirty - Consequences: The Karma Effect,
Chapter Thirty-one - My Life: The Weight of the World,
Chapter Thirty-two - Family: I Am My Sister's Keeper,
Chapter Thirty-three - Breakdown: The Ugly Truth,
Chapter Thirty-four - Open Wounds: Hurt People Hurt People,
Chapter Thirty-five - The Past: The Issues That Lie Deep,
Chapter Thirty-six - Guilt: A Blessing and a Curse,
Chapter Thirty-seven - Frenemies: The Love of Money,
Two Years Later,
Chapter Thirty-eight - Rehabilitated: Time Served,
Chapter Thirty-nine - Self-determination: Learning How to Understand,
Chapter Forty - Giving Heart: It Always Comes Back Around,
Chapter Forty-one - New Beginnings: The Good Outweighs the Bad,