• Award Winner in the Health: Aging/50+ category of the 2021 Best Book Awards sponsored by American Book Fest
• Offers shadow-work and many diverse spiritual practices to help you break through denial to awareness, move from self-rejection to self-acceptance, repair the past to be fully present, and allow mortality to be a teacher
• Reveals how to use inner work to uncover and explore the unconscious denial and resistance that erupts around key thresholds of later life
• Includes personal interviews with prominent Elders, including Ken Wilber, Krishna Das, Fr. Thomas Keating, Anna Douglas, James Hollis, Rabbi Rami Shapiro, Ashton Applewhite, Roshi Wendy Nakao, Roger Walsh, and Stanislav Grof
With extended longevity comes the opportunity for extended personal growth and spiritual development. You now have the chance to become an Elder, to leave behind past roles, shift from work in the outer world to inner work with the soul, and become authentically who you are. This book is a guide to help get past the inner obstacles and embrace the hidden spiritual gifts of age.
Offering a radical reimagining of age for all generations, psychotherapist and bestselling author Connie Zweig reveals how to use inner work to uncover and explore the unconscious denial and resistance that erupts around key thresholds of later life, attune to your soul’s longing, and emerge renewed as an Elder filled with vitality and purpose. She explores the obstacles encountered in the transition to wise Elder and offers psychological shadow-work and diverse spiritual practices to help you break through denial to awareness, move from self-rejection to self-acceptance, repair the past to be fully present, reclaim your creativity, and allow mortality to be a teacher. Sharing contemplative practices for selfreflection, she also reveals how to discover ways to share your talents and wisdom to become a force for change in the lives of others.
Woven throughout with wisdom from prominent Elders, including Ken Wilber, Krishna Das, Father Thomas Keating, Anna Douglas, James Hollis, Rabbi Rami Shapiro, Ashton Applewhite, Roshi Wendy Egyoku Nakao, Roger Walsh, and Stanislav Grof, this book offers tools and guidance to help you let go of past roles, expand your identity, deepen self-knowledge, and move through these life passages to a new stage of awareness, choosing to be fully real, transparent, and free to embrace a fulfilling late life.
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About the Author
Read an Excerpt
From Chapter 6. A Review of Your Lived and Unlived Life
Most of us live our lives in reaction to changing circumstances, in the details of the moment that require our energy and attention to meet our survival needs, our emotional needs, and the needs of those we love. We are lost in those moments as if they are disconnected from what came before and what comes after, as if they are single, separate entities, like the many-colored threads of a tapestry before we turn it over and stand back to view the finished pattern.
As the great existential philosopher Søren Kierkegaard said, “Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forward.”
The effort to understand a life, repair it, and find meaning in it is a natural developmental task of late life. With the loss of the ego’s agenda, we can suffer disorientation, and a life review can help us reorient to the soul’s mission and give us a deeper purpose for late life.
But no one teaches us how to do this in a thoughtful, organized way. No one teaches us how to digest the life we’ve lived, distill the lessons from it, and turn them into wisdom. So, we watch older people trying urgently to tell their stories or reminiscing in a way that makes them appear to be lost in the past.
Fifty years ago, experts in the field of aging believed that this reminiscence was a sign of senility, which reinforced ageist stereotypes. But in the 1960s, renowned gerontologist Robert Butler discovered that many older people seem to be experiencing a profound internal effort to come to terms with everything that happened to them in the past. He coined this phenomenon “life review” and concluded that it is a normal, necessary task of late life, not a pathological one.
Butler suggested that the purpose of life review, whether spoken or written, is to recall unresolved conflicts and reconcile with them through seeing a larger picture or reframing the events. This may lead to reconciliation with estranged loved ones, making amends and forgiving them, or forgiving ourselves. In the best case, it leads us to give up denial or blame and become accountable for the life we’ve lived.
The call to review our lives may come as a gentle nudge to see it from the long view, not through the eyes of youth or of middle age. We want to recognize what we have made with the life we were given, or what it could have been if it had unfolded differently. We want to detect the patterns in our choices, the results of our actions, the coincidences in seemingly chance encounters, and the residue of unfulfilled desiresthe full weave of the tapestry and the images revealed there.
Sometimes, the shock of mortality awareness triggers the desire to review our life, evaluate our achievements, and possibly design a new direction. Or the reality of retirement may catalyze a process of self-reflection about the past and inquiry about the future. Sometimes the event of becoming a grandparent stirs a need to tell our stories, to record them in the memories of our family members or in an actual written or video document to create a legacy for future generations. In other cases, a nagging feeling of guilt or shame brings up a need for emotional repair, which requires us to look back and examine when we were harmed or harmed others.
In a less intentional way, people in late life may repeatedly tell the same stories from their past, in a dreamlike, nostalgic reverie, as if to digest something that’s stuck somewhere or to complete something that’s unfinished. They may fantasize about the life they did not live, which they could be living if only this had happened or not happened. Their minds may wander between reality and fantasy, between what is and what’s out of reach, between choices made and not made, opportunities lived and missed, loves gained and lost. And they are haunted by internal shadow characters that grieve lost potential, regret abandoned gifts, long for ideal lovers, and mourn unfulfilled dreams.
In late life, these shadow characters inhabit us and inhibit us from redesigning our lives now. They form an inner obstacle: remaining stuck in denial about the past or stuck in fear about the future. The result: We live in a narrow band of time, unable to make the shift from role to soul.
Instead, with a life review, we can gain the opportunity to see the full arc of a lifetime from a higher, broader vantage point. We can see how the key moments in our lives were interconnected and became sacred passages with a hidden purpose: the evolution of the soul.
My client, Alan, had been harboring resentment toward a woman who had rejected his marriage proposal decades earlier. He just got stuck there. But when he looked at his full life span in the way that we will explore herebackward and forward, above and beneathhe realized that the painful rejection by one person was not isolated from the rest of his life. That pain carried with it a pattern of feelings from his early childhood. This insight led him to seek therapy and to learn how to have a much more rewarding relationship. At last, Alan could reframe that apparent failure as a turning point that took him in a new direction, an ending that became a beginning, a loss that became a gain in awareness and maturity.
Seeing from this deep and wide vantage point, we can release the past and live more fully in the present moment, opening to love of family, creative impulses, and the beauty of the natural world. A life review can be a portal to presence. And it can help prepare us for death by lessening feelings of fear, guilt, anger, and regret as we move toward life completion.
On learning that he had terminal cancer, the late neurologist and prolific author Oliver Sacks wrote, six months before his death, “Over the last few days, I have been able to see my life as from a great altitude, as a sort of landscape, and with a deepening sense of the connection of all its parts. . . . I cannot pretend I am without fear. But my predominant feeling is one of gratitude. After all, I have been a sentient being, a thinking animal, on this beautiful planet, and that in itself has been an enormous privilege and adventure” (“My Own Life,” New York Times, February 19, 2015).
As a scientist, Sacks viewed life through a material lens. Others, with a more philosophical or spiritual lens, seek to address questions of existential or spiritual meaning in late life: Could we have made different choices, or was our life fated to unfold in this way? What is the meaning of coincidence or synchronicity? Of karma or fate? What is the larger tapestry that is hidden behind our own small story? And who is the weaver?
To see the shape of a life, we need to stand back from it and reflect, as if the tapestry is hanging on the wall. We need to soften our gaze, step out of the immediate moment, and let go of the apparent randomness of events to see the order and beauty of our one-of-a-kind story.
We may be asking: Can we accept ourselves more deeply now? Can we accept our losses and our limits? Should we let go of relationships that continue to disappoint us, or should we use the time remaining to try to repair them? Can we accept our unmet goals and unlived dreams? Or should we use this time to reclaim those dreams, such as write a memoir, learn to play guitar or paint, or travel to exotic lands, even as we move toward life completion?
Some of you will read this and feel immediate resistance: “I don’t care about the past.” “It’s too painful to look back.” “I can’t do anything about that now.” “I don’t have enough time or energy for that.”
This denial or resistance to inner work may be the voice of a shadow character that does not want to face our many disappointments and disillusionments. Perhaps our memories of a trauma or betrayal are too painful, and they have been stuffed away in the shadow for too long. Perhaps a Critic shadow judges us for “sinful” behavior, such as lying or cheating, and we don’t want to face that rejected aspect of ourselves. Or the Critic compares us to an invisible standard of success that we did not attain, creating self-doubt and regret.
It’s also possible that our “inner ageist” is part of the resistance to life review, whispering, “Oh, nostalgia and reminiscence, that’s just for very old people. That’s not me.”
But our denial of this opportunity also denies us the chance to repair the past, forgive ourselves, and pass on what we’ve learned to future generations. And this denial puts us at risk for depression about the past or unhealthy obsession with it. A lack of self-reflection leaves us with a lack of insight, which is needed to become an Elder. It’s as if we’ve gathered a lifetime of bounty and just don’t bother to harvest it.
When I was in my sixties, it never occurred to me to do a life review. For most of my life, I was future-oriented, never interested in looking back. But something began to call me to contemplate my life patterns and digest all that I had learned. For me, this call came through the music of the 1960s and ’70s, listening to Dylan, the Dead, the Band, the Stones . . . and discovering that my brain lit up with joy and my body rose up to move. The rock sounds of my youth connected me to those times. The lyrics arose from my memory like buried sacred texts. And I became ready to look back.
If we do not consciously choose to undertake a life review, it may take place spontaneously, as has been reported by people who’ve had near-death experiences when their lives “flashed” before them. And it may take place unconsciously while we sleep. Jungian analyst James Hollis told me that his older clients, over the age of sixty-five, often dream about unassimilated material from the past, which they need to digest now. “It’s not merely nostalgic,” he said. “It’s how the psyche is making meaning of the life story.”
For instance, Hollis had several physicians as clients who were burning out from work and looking at their futures with dread. Their dreams led them to understand that they had become doctors for the wrong reasonsfor their parents’ dreams or cultural expectations. “They were in pain from doing the right thing, which turned into the wrong thing. But they didn’t know it. If they didn’t pay attention to their dreams, they wouldn’t know what was really going on behind the ego’s story.”
Hollis suggested that this kind of connection with the unconscious, or shadow, equips us to deal with the many losses and diminishments of age, including mortality awareness. Through our dreams, we have a felt sense of an ongoing dialogue with something larger than the ego, something deeply meaningful.
In a conversation, Rick Moody reminded me that life review can occur spontaneously in dreams and that this was famously illustrated by Charles Dickens in A Christmas Carol. The novel’s protagonist, Ebenezer Scrooge, now an older man who has been miserly and unkind all his life, hates Christmas and refuses to give donations to people in need of food. In three dream episodes, Scrooge sees the ghost of Christmas past, when he was an innocent, lonely child; the ghost of Christmas present, where some families celebrate in generosity and joy, while other children starve; and the ghost of Christmas future, which reveals Scrooge’s own funeral that no one attends.
This dark review of his life and his mortality prompts a painful question: “Is it too late for me?” Scrooge wakes up a changed man. He spends time with a family, gives his worker a raise, and sends a turkey to a needy family, finding generosity and renewal in his own heart.
Like Scrooge, many of us meet a shadow part of ourselves in late life and vow to take a different direction. It may not be such an extreme turning as Dickens’s character. But with a life review, we can turn away from harmful or limiting habits and turn toward a larger embrace of life.
Ego’s Life Review
• What is an early formative experience that shaped your later life?
• What is a less obvious, more hidden event that led inevitably to your unique journey?
• How did your body’s story unfold?
• How did your mind develop and change over the years?
• How did your heart open and close over the years?
• How has suffering become your teacher?
Shadow’s Life Review
• Which shadow character in you wants to avoid examining the past? What is it telling you?
• Which shadow character ruminates about the past without distilling wisdom?
• Who is the critical voice that creates regret or “If only . . .” statements about the past?
• What essential part of you had to be repressed for your personality to develop in the way that it did?
• What do you want to reclaim from the shadow to rewrite your story now?
Spiritual Life Review
• What is the myth that you have lived?
• What were your key spiritual experiences over the years?
• What is your soul’s mission or the vow that you have lived?
• Following your life review, can you see the evolution of your soul through new eyes?
Table of ContentsFOREWORD
Meeting the Shadow of Age by Harry R. Moody, Ph.D.
A Letter to My Fellow Travelers in Late Life
Age Is Our Curriculum
The Divine Messengers
1 Aging from the Inside Out
The Buddha’s Divine Messengers
Rites of Passage What Is “Old?”
Telling the Whole Truth
When Do We Become “Old”?
Aging as Fate
2 The Three Portals of Age
Shadow Awareness: Portal to Depth
Pure Awareness: Portal to Silent Vastness
An Interview with Rabbi Rami Shapiro
An Interview with Kirtan Chant Leader Krishna Das Mortality Awareness: Portal to Presence
3 Meeting Ageism from the Inside Out and the Outside In
Meeting Your Inner Ageist: From the Inside Out
The Dramatic Consequences of the Inner Ageist
Meeting the Collective Shadow of Ageism: From the Outside In
An Interview with Ageism Crusader Ashton Applewhite
4 Retirement as a Divine Messenger
To Retire or Not to Retire?
Retirement from the Outside In
Retirement as Reinvention: Encore Careers
Shadow-Work for Retirement: From the Inside Out
Retirement from Clinical Practice: My Story as a Helping Professional Retirement as Spiritual Practice: From Role to Soul
5 Life-Changing Illness as a Divine Messenger
From Terrible Wound to Sacred Wound
Closing the Mind/Body Split
Illness of the Body: Cancer as an Answer
Shadow-Work for Illness: From the Inside Out
Caregiving from the Inside Out
Illness of the Mind: Depression or Disillusionment
Illness of the Brain: Memory Loss as Epidemic
Delaying Memory Loss and Enhancing Plasticity
An Interview with Buddhist Psychologist Rick Hanson
Illness as Spiritual Practice: From Role to Soul
Life Review and Life Repair
6 A Review of Your Lived and Unlived Life
Physician Rachel Naomi Remen on Seeing Her Life with New Eyes
The Ego’s Life Review: What Was Expressed
The Shadow’s Life Review: What Was Repressed
An Interview with Father Thomas Keating, Founder of Centering Prayer
7 Emotional and Creative Repair to Release the Past and Live in the Present
Emotional Repair: Reinventing Relationships from Role to Soul
An Interview with Jungian Analyst James Hollis
An Interview with Psychiatrist Roger Walsh
Lost Creativity Found: The Gold in the Dark Side
8 Spiritual Repair to Reimagine Our Beliefs and Reclaim Our Practices
Shadow-Work for Spiritual Disillusionment
Spiritual Work: Reclaiming Our Practices
From Hero to Elder
9 Elder with a Thousand Faces
What Is an Elder?
Becoming an Elder: A Rite of Passage
An Interview with Ron Pevny, Founder of the Center for Conscious Eldering
Letting Go: Inner Work for Resistant Heroes
Meeting the Inner Elder: An Initiation
New Beginnings: Reimagining the Elder from the Inside Out
An Interview with Mythologist and Storyteller Michael Meade
An Interview with Poet, Novelist, Activist Deena Metzger
An Interview with Jungian Analyst Lionel Corbett
Honoring One of My Elders: Jungian Analyst Marion Woodman
10 Elder Wisdom and the Call to Age into Awakening
The Final Divine Messenger: The Monk’s Call to Awaken
Awakening into Higher Stages of Awareness
What Is Wisdom?
Transmitting Wisdom to Future Generations
An Interview with Integral Philosopher Ken Wilber
An Interview with Mystic Robert Atchley
An Interview with Buddhist Teacher Anna Douglas
11 Elder Activism and the Call to Serve Something Larger than Ourselves
The Call to Sacred Service and Elder Activism
The Shadow Side of Service
Heeding the Call or Denying the Call: Inner Work for Resistant Elders
An Interview with John Sorensen, Founder of Elders Action Network An Interview with Roshi Wendy Egyoku Nakao, Former Abbot of the Zen Center of Los Angeles Conscious
Grandparenting: Caring for the Souls of Our Young Ones
Climate Change: Collective Mortality Awareness
12 Moving toward a Completed Life
An Interview with Altered States Pioneer Stanislav Grof
An Interview with Transpersonal Psychologist Frances Vaughan
13 Reimagining Death as the Last Rite
The Shadow Knows: Its Secret Preparation for the End
An Interview with Spiritual Teacher Mirabai Bush, Coauthor with Ram Dass
Legacy Letter to the Grandchildren Acknowledgments
Shadow-Work Handbook for Aging Consciously