The Likeability Trap: How to Break Free and Succeed as You Are

by Alicia Menendez

Overview

Be nice, but not too nice. Be successful, but not too successful. Just be likeable. Whatever that means?

Women are stuck in an impossible bind. At work, strong women are criticized for being cold, and warm women are seen as pushovers. An award-winning journalist examines this fundamental paradox and empowers readers to let go of old rules and reimagine leadership rather than reinventing themselves.

Consider that even competent women must appear likeable to successfully negotiate a salary, ask for a promotion, or take credit for a job well done—and that studies show these actions usually make them less likeable. And this minefield is doubly loaded when likeability intersects with race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, and parental status.

Relying on extensive research and interviews, and carefully examined personal experience, The Likeability Trap delivers an essential examination of the pressure put on women to be amiable at work, home, and in the public sphere, and explores the price women pay for internalizing those demands. Rather than advising readers to make themselves likeable, Menendez empowers them to examine how they perceive themselves and others and explores how the concept of likeability is riddled with cultural biases. Our demands for likeability, she argues, hinder everyone’s progress and power.

Inspiring, thoughtful and often funny, The Likeability Trap proposes surprising, practical solutions for confronting the cultural patterns holding us back, encourages us to value unique talents and styles instead of muting them, and to remember that while likeability is part of the game, it will not break you.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780062838766
Publisher:	HarperCollins Publishers
Publication date:	11/05/2019
Pages:	256
Product dimensions:	6.00(w) x 9.10(h) x 1.10(d)

About the Author

Alicia Menendez is an MSNBC anchor and host of the Latina to Latina podcast. She has been dubbed “Ms. Millennial” by the Washington Post, “journalism’s new gladiator” by Elle, and a “content queen” by Marie Claire; and her inter - views and reporting have appeared on ABC News, Bustle, FusionTV, PBS, and Vice News. She lives in New Jersey with her husband and two daughters.

Editorial Reviews

08/19/2019

Menendez, a journalist and the cohost of PBS’s Amanpour and Company, issues a friend-to-friend wake-up call for pathological approval seekers. A recovering people-pleaser who cared far too much about what people thought of her—and knew it was holding her back—Menendez argues that too many women are too invested in their own likability. Meanwhile, women who are “brazenly themselves” saw the detriment to their own careers. So what’s a working woman to do? Learn to navigate, Menendez recommends, walking readers through challenges like the quandary of being seen as either likable but not ambitious, or ambitious but not likable. This nebulous quality, she notes, has historically played a pernicious role as a socially acceptable way of sugarcoating bias. Menendez asserts that women are increasingly angry about encountering such bias, and she has suggestions about what they—and their organizations—can do in response. The description of the problem is perfect; some of the ideas for addressing it, less so—notably, an emphasis on finding “sponsors” (not mentors) to promote one’s work, which some readers might find disempowering. But the chatty, friendly, heart-to-heart tone will be a comfort and an encouragement to women hampered by their desire to be both liked and successful. Agent: Ryan D. Harbage, Fischer-Harbage Agency. (Nov.)

Publishers Weekly

“This book is a love letter to all of us who yearn to be liked (and are ashamed to admit it). Menendez offers research, a reality check, and the reassurance that we’re not alone.” — Tiffany Dufu, author of Drop the Ball and founder of The Cru

“Wanting to be liked is more than feeding our ego or calming our insecurities, it can unwittingly impact almost every aspect of our personal and professional life. With her innate sense of wit and eloquence, Alicia Menendez makes us reflect on how we can navigate the troubled waters of likeability, ignore the inevitable noise that blocks our progress, and live at peace with ourselves.” — Maria Elena Salinas, CBS News Contributor

“Alicia Menendez gets it. All of it. And conveys some of the most poignant advice out there today in this book. She breaks down the construct of women being either ‘strong and cold’ or ‘weak and warm’ and the pressure we face at home, at the office, and in public. It’s as delightful as it is useful.” — Alyssa Mastromonaco, author of So Here’s the Thing… and cohost of the #Hysteria podcast

“In a radical departure from business books that urge women to change who they are or how they lead, Alicia Menendez tears to shreds the false choices presented to women by workplaces that constantly challenge whether we have what it takes. She nimbly urges us not to conform or mutate but rather to work toward dimming the spotlight on likeability.” — Erica Cerulo and Claire Mazur, cofounders of Of a Kind and coauthors of Work Wife

“Reading The Likeability Trap, I felt a weight lift off me. I realized that feedback and worry about my likeability are systemic issues, not something wrong with me. I understood that I wasn’t alone and that there were things I could do about it. It has been a gift.” — Rachel Simmons, author of Odd Girl Out

“It is hard to write something both new and noteworthy about women, work, and leadership, but Alicia Menendez has pulled it off. Even as a woman who has been leading for decades, I learned a lot from The Likeability Trap. Best of all, she writes powerfully and directly about the particular obstacles encountered by women of color, adding important voices to the debate.” — Anne-Marie Slaughter, CEO of New America and author of Unfinished Business

“Menendez, a journalist and the cohost of PBS’s Amanpour and Company, issues a friend-to-friend wake-up call for pathological approval seekers.  . . . The description of the problem is perfect . . . . the chatty, friendly, heart-to-heart tone will be a comfort and an encouragement to women hampered by their desire to be both liked and successful.” — Publishers Weekly

“There will be a great deal of enthusiastic nodding and audible sighs among women devouring multimedia journalist Menendez’s first book. . . . This will stoke camaraderie and genuine outrage among women, and might even make a difference, one person at a time.” — Booklist

“Fierce, relevant, witty, and illuminating. The Likeability Trap is filled with hard won wisdom and actionable advice for women who want more than to be liked.” — Rebecca Jarvis, ABC News Chief Business and Economics Correspondent and Host of the No Limits Podcast

From the Publisher

Wanting to be liked is more than feeding our ego or calming our insecurities, it can unwittingly impact almost every aspect of our personal and professional life. With her innate sense of wit and eloquence, Alicia Menendez makes us reflect on how we can navigate the troubled waters of likeability, ignore the inevitable noise that blocks our progress, and live at peace with ourselves.

Maria Elena Salinas

It is hard to write something both new and noteworthy about women, work, and leadership, but Alicia Menendez has pulled it off. Even as a woman who has been leading for decades, I learned a lot from The Likeability Trap. Best of all, she writes powerfully and directly about the particular obstacles encountered by women of color, adding important voices to the debate.

Anne-Marie Slaughter

This book is a love letter to all of us who yearn to be liked (and are ashamed to admit it). Menendez offers research, a reality check, and the reassurance that we’re not alone.

Tiffany Dufu

There will be a great deal of enthusiastic nodding and audible sighs among women devouring multimedia journalist Menendez’s first book. . . . This will stoke camaraderie and genuine outrage among women, and might even make a difference, one person at a time.

Booklist

Fierce, relevant, witty, and illuminating. The Likeability Trap is filled with hard won wisdom and actionable advice for women who want more than to be liked.

Rebecca Jarvis

In a radical departure from business books that urge women to change who they are or how they lead, Alicia Menendez tears to shreds the false choices presented to women by workplaces that constantly challenge whether we have what it takes. She nimbly urges us not to conform or mutate but rather to work toward dimming the spotlight on likeability.

Erica Cerulo and Claire Mazur

Reading The Likeability Trap, I felt a weight lift off me. I realized that feedback and worry about my likeability are systemic issues, not something wrong with me. I understood that I wasn’t alone and that there were things I could do about it. It has been a gift.

Rachel Simmons

Alicia Menendez gets it. All of it. And conveys some of the most poignant advice out there today in this book. She breaks down the construct of women being either ‘strong and cold’ or ‘weak and warm’ and the pressure we face at home, at the office, and in public. It’s as delightful as it is useful.

Alyssa Mastromonaco

There will be a great deal of enthusiastic nodding and audible sighs among women devouring multimedia journalist Menendez’s first book. . . . This will stoke camaraderie and genuine outrage among women, and might even make a difference, one person at a time.

Booklist