The Parent Gap: Tools to Keep Your Cool, Stay Connected and Change Unhealthy Patterns

The Parent Gap: Tools to Keep Your Cool, Stay Connected and Change Unhealthy Patterns

by Randi Rubenstein
The Parent Gap: Tools to Keep Your Cool, Stay Connected and Change Unhealthy Patterns

The Parent Gap: Tools to Keep Your Cool, Stay Connected and Change Unhealthy Patterns

by Randi Rubenstein

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Overview

You swore you were going to raise your kids differently... so why are your parents’ words coming out of your mouth?

Maybe you find yourself yelling at 5:30 p.m. during the notorious witching hour? Or what about all those triggered moments, like when your child still hasn’t finished putting on his shoes for school and you have reminded him no less than twenty-seven times!

We all want happiness and success for our children throughout their lives. The worry of screwing up the people you love the most is attached to the thought that your behavior will possibly hinder their future state of being. You want the world for them. Close the Parenting Gap shows how to change the patterns you intended to bury from your own childhood by Closing the Parenting Gap – allowing you to access in the heat of the moment that file in your brain with all those parenting tools you took the time to learn. As you Close the Parenting Gap, you will be able to show up as the level-headed adult you truly want to be in your life and especially with your kids. Your confidence and clarity will shine brightly on the fact that you will be sending them off into the world with a rock solid foundation. Using real life stories and practical depictions, Close the Parenting Gap combines the teachings of Dr. Shefali Tsabary, Brené Brown, and Martha Beck with a real-life, down-in-the trenches-parent perspective to create a fun and insightful read.

Our kids will be out in the world without us before we know it. The time is now to become reacquainted with the forgotten dreams you had for yourself, your life, and your family years ago. Inspiration and tools abound within these pages to support you in Closing the Parenting Gap and creating the fun, loving, connected experience you want for your family.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781683503040
Publisher: Morgan James Publishing
Publication date: 08/22/2017
Pages: 170
Product dimensions: 4.90(w) x 7.90(h) x 0.50(d)

About the Author

Randi Rubenstein helps parents change unhealthy patterns – including ones that are passed down through the generations – to create loving and connected families. She is a parent coach and has been a fellow mom in the trenches for almost twenty years. Randi’s nurturing, no-nonsense approach have supported many families on their journeys of healing, growing rich and connected relationships, and having more fun together. Randi believes that connection, not perfection, is the goal. She lives in Houston, Texas, with her husband of nineteen years and their three kids, two dogs and two part-time cats. Randi currently offers results-proven programs that focus on forward action to create the family relationships you envisioned when you first became a parent. She believes that life is too short to live with complacency, regrets, and forgotten dreams. She is passionate about and committed to turning your fantasy into your reality. You can have it all –especially with a supportive and loving family by your side.

Read an Excerpt

CHAPTER 1

CHANGING UNHEALTHY PATTERNS

"When you hold on to your history, you do it at the expense of your destiny."

BISHOP TD JAKES

SO THIS HAPPENED ...

Gigi was referred to me by a tutor who was working with her daughter. Gigi was concerned that her eighth-grade, high-achieving daughter was beginning to slide academically, and nothing Gigi said or suggested was being taken seriously. The upset mother felt like her hands were tied as she watched her daughter's former academic success slowly being dragged down in a pit of quicksand. Gigi described her daughter as avoiding contact and basically shutting her out.

The air felt heavy and thick with tension between Gigi and her daughter, where they had been very close in the past. Their communication was limited to Gigi's questions that resulted in brief and seemingly annoyed responses from her teenage daughter. That scenario is all too common between mothers and their teen daughters, so Gigi wasn't sure if she should take the behavior personally or just chalk it up to typical adolescent girl behavior.

Gigi sought my support for help with strategies so she could help her daughter get back on the success track to "reach her potential." High school was around the bend and the clock was ticking toward when the grades would begin to "truly matter."

I began by asking Gigi questions about her own teenage years. She hadn't thought about those memories in years and, at first, had a hard time recalling the information. But once she started remembering, she was able to tell me many stories about her own teen years. I heard the disdain in her voice pretty much immediately toward her own mom. I had a feeling that Gigi's teenage experience — and specifically the role and effect of her mother — would be a pivotal piece to her daughter's plummeting-grades puzzle.

Initially, Gigi described her worry to be all about her daughter's academic performance and future success. She honestly believed there was nothing more to figure out, but — as I'm sure you probably realize — there was.

Gigi would say now that underneath that worry about her daughter's achievement-oriented future was the real concern. Gigi felt the tension and shutdown and secretly worried that she was royally screwing up her daughter. She was pained by the thought that her little girl, who she loved more than life itself, would continue to shut her out — just as Gigi had done with her own mother. Gigi didn't realize that her big fear was actually all about the repetition of the unhealthy pattern she had experienced with her own mother.

It turned out that Gigi's daughter's troublesome school performance was connected to the childhood patterns Gigi had been subconsciously continuing with her own daughter. They were the same themes or patterns she'd had as a girl with her own mother, and which caused her years of anger and resentment. It's no wonder that, during our initial meeting, Gigi mentioned that she hadn't recalled memories from her teen years in a very long time. Those years represented a time she was all too happy to leave where it belonged — in the past.

Once Gigi began to uncover some of the unwelcome and uninvited patterns from her own childhood, she was able to see how the same patterns were showing up in her relationship with her daughter. Of course, those patterns were cleverly disguised and, even though Gigi's intent came from a place of love and putting her daughter's future success at the forefront, the same patterns were nonetheless being repeated. When Gigi was able to see this cleverly disguised pattern clearly, she ripped off that lame mustache. You know the one — the cockeyed stache with the missing adhesive that Rooster wore as he and Bernadette Peters' character tried to steal Annie from Daddy Warbucks? When Gigi was able to do the "Rooster Reveal" on those old, unwelcome patterns, she was able to make some amazing shifts.

Being the quick study and the extremely loving mother that she was, Gigi turned the relationship around in no time. Currently, the mama-daughter duo is enjoying a beautiful relationship consisting of fly-fishing expeditions, bedside television binge-watch-a-thons, and constant dialogue about the demands of high school.

As Gigi discovers triggers from her own teen years that resurface as her daughter is in the thick of it, instead of repeating the pattern between her mother and herself, she's taking steps to end the unhealthy cycle. She is supporting her daughter as she would love to have been supported by her own mother when she was a girl.

This is the beauty of uncovering and changing unhealthy patterns.

CONSCIOUS PARENTING LESSON AND SKILL: YOUR WHY

Why do you want to raise your kids differently? Knowing your reason can make all the difference.

Uncovering your why will shed light on the patterns you want to change and why they didn't feel good for you growing up.

Write a few lines in your journal about why it's important to you to raise your kids differently than how your parents raised you. This exercise will be hugely beneficial as you continue reading, thinking, learning, and reflecting throughout this book.

When you write in your journal, it's important to tap into your right brain and access the information of your heart rather than writing from your left brain. Your left brain involves your ego and may keep you from even beginning to journal, because the ego wants to sound really impressive and smart. Your left brain will imagine someone else reading your journals and this will be a roadblock in uncovering your why.

To access your right brain — your intuitive inner knowing — write in a stream of consciousness manner. This is also called a brain dump — you dump every thought on paper, without using grammar or punctuation. It may look like the journal of a crazy person. For example: "im writing to write because im upset what am i upset about i just dont feel happy because we arent on the same page but now i dont know what to write and i will keep writing until i think of something oh ya now i remember i want to lose weight and i feel obsessed about that and i want to be a better mom ..."

If you are not the journaling type, I get it. First of all, drop the vision of that beautiful Oprah-esque bedside table journal and adopt the realistic version of journaling just for yourself. For me, this usually involves typing into the Notes section on my iPhone while I'm in the carpool line. The point is to get the thoughts that are trapped in your brain out, so you can process and uncover your why. Practicing this skill through the written or typed word brings tremendous clarity that you simply won't experience by only thinking about it.

CONSCIOUS PARENTING TOOL: PRESENT ENGAGED TIME (P.E.T.)

Even if you aren't buying in yet and have no idea how to parent "consciously" to change your patterns, it is important to do just one thing each day that represents your future self. You know, the "you" who never yells at her kids and who actually enjoys dressing Barbie. It doesn't really matter what the activity itself is. Spend five to fifteen minutes engaged with your kids where they get to decide the activity and you give them 100% of your undivided attention. I call this a P.E.T. (Present Engaged Time). Preferably this is a one-on-one activity, so if you have multiple kiddos, do this with each kid. Stop freaking out. Five minutes is the amount of time it takes for my middle-aged bladder to fully empty. You've got this. Of course, you can do this for more than five minutes if you want to, but five minutes is a doable amount of time to begin with.

One hundred percent engaged presence between the two of you will fill your child's attention-seeking love cup immensely. It is an extremely effective way to pad your relationship bank account and ward off meltdowns that frequently occur because your child is actually looking for a way to connect with you. Young children often act out in ways that seek negative attention when they aren't receiving enough engagement with you. All attention counts for young kids. It really doesn't matter all that much to little kids if the attention is negative or positive.

Being an engaged and present parent by practicing the P.E.T. tool for even a few minutes a day will begin changing the patterns within your family and create more connection between you and your child. Becoming a conscious parent by proactively engaging in daily P.E.T.s with your child will pay off for everyone in the family in the long run.

This tool works on many levels, and will help your child feel loved, seen, enjoyed, and, as a result, she will be more cooperative afterward. This will make your child more enjoyable to be around, and more opportunities will present themselves for you and her to hang out together and have fun. This will build connection and relieve guilt for you. This tool is a great starting point, and the benefits will happen immediately.

I am super excited for you to experience how little time this takes and how much bang for your buck you will get from it in terms of cooperation from your child.

* * *

Now that you know the first foundational concept (identifying and changing unhealthy patterns) for closing The Parent Gap, you can begin to notice familiar nuances from your own upbringing. To be able to give your kids a different experience from your own, it is important to recognize the patterns you want to change in order to know where to begin.

Even though my coaching philosophy is definitely present- and future-focused, the past does have to be addressed when it comes to creating new patterns. It is so much easier to identify what you don't want and build a model of your dream family from that place, rather than starting at square one with a blank sheet of paper. Our fantasies regarding motherhood usually involve improving upon the way we were raised. We don't have to bad-mouth our parents and feel disloyal and guilty in order to improve the patterns.

Remember that this is about The Parenting Evolution — each generation has access to more information and, hopefully, to doing things a little better than the generation before. So let's do what actually works, not just what sounds good. That might sound a bit negative, but it's effective. You are playing with high stakes here, and you take this seriously. This is about your kids, after all, and the family you may have been fantasizing about since you were in the fifth grade. Or is that just me?

CHAPTER 2

DISTRACTIONS ARE COPING STRATEGIES

"What you resist, persists."

C. G. JUNG

SO THIS HAPPENED ...

Shelley, a mild-mannered 34-year-old mother of three beautiful kids ages six, four, and two, loves her job and family. She and her husband have been together since their late teens. Her parents live a mere neighborhood away and are very involved in the young family's life and in the raising of their three precious kids. Shelley has a few groups of friends and there is always a text or phone call to return regarding a pending social invitation. Her life appears to be blessed. Full.

Shelley tells me that she actually feels all alone most of the time. Her weight yo-yos up and down and mostly the scale maintains at a number that's 30-50 pounds higher than her ideal weight. She beats herself up about her lack of discipline and her irresponsibility regarding exercise, and she struggles because she feels unworthy of a hug. In her words, "I am repulsive."

Shelley wants the world for her kids and feels she is doing everything she can for them. However, the air in their home is thick with tension. She and her husband have no physical relationship; her oldest child struggles with intense anxiety; the temper tantrums are plentiful; and the laughter is sparse. Although her parents are a constant presence in their lives and live for the kids, Shelley feels judged and demeaned by them — especially by her mother.

Shelley's mother has always been a yeller and even though Shelley swore she would NEVER follow in her mother's footsteps, she frequently hears her mother's words and tone coming out of her own mouth — especially with her oldest child during his anxious meltdowns. Shelley knows her reactions are not helpful. As she experienced as a girl herself, a mother's harsh words can be quite emotionally harmful to her anxious child. Throughout Shelley's life, she has been afflicted with anxiety as well and feels tremendously guilty for her behavior towards her son during these moments. And still the vicious cycle continues.

It is incredibly triggering for Shelley when her son refuses to go somewhere or have a new experience because he is held back by an anxiety-induced panic attack. Quite often, Shelley, contributes to his anxiety by raising her voice and using harsh shaming language. What her sweet boy really needs is for his mom to be his soft place to land during these intense moments. It is painful for Shelley to witness her son's anxious behavior or to reflect back on her own after these challenging times. Shelley remedies her guilt hangover later with sugary processed foods usually in the form of cookies and donuts. This is her drug of choice to cope with the repeating destructive pattern of anxiety, yelling and disconnection that has most likely been a part of her family tree for generations.

The interesting thing is that Shelley's wide variety of Facebook posts involving pics of her beautiful kiddos in their coordinating outfits and posed smiles suggest she is livin' the dream. In private, her kid's frequent tantrums drive her crazy and although she loves them with all her heart, she rarely enjoys their company. Deep down, she worries that she is a bad mom. Shelley wants to be the mom she dreamed of when she was a girl, but she finds herself constantly distracted by her phone, work, and social media notifications commenting on her cutie pie pics she posted of the kids, rather than actually engaging with them.

The guilt sets in because Shelley wants to be different, and knows she should be more present and attentive, but for some reason she can't explain, she continues the same pattern. Her guilt and underlying shame are just too much. So she continues to distract herself with anything and everything to avoid the discomfort of her reality. This cycle continues day after day, year after year. As the saying goes, "The days are long but the years are short." She feels a long way off from getting this sorted out, and she is worried that time is running out to turn things around. The thought that swirls in her mind when her head hits the pillow and all she wants is for her exhausted body to finally rest is, "What if my kids end up being screwed up and blame me?" At two a.m. she finally gets up and heads to the kitchen for a "late-night fog" eating binge on whatever she can find to try and feel better and make the negative thinking stop so she can finally fall asleep.

We are living in an era of female loneliness. Author Tommy Rosen (http://www.tommyrosen.com/yoga) calls it "the adult female epidemic ... the need to numb." He says that "love leads to security, strength, and health. Trauma leads to disease within your body, which leads to looking away aided by some kind of addictive behavior." It turns out that Shelley's trauma is that she has never truly felt loved. Her mother has an explosive temper and has been highly critical of Shelley's body for as far back as she can remember. Her mom called her "a moose" and other horrible names when Shelley was a child. Shelley has always believed that she is a disappointment, based on the size of her body and her anxious personality. She feels tremendous shame about her weight and her lack of control regarding diet and exercise. After explosive episodes with her own anxious child, she feels like a failure on multiple levels.

What Shelley doesn't yet understand is that food has been her savior throughout the years. She has used food as her drug to help her cope and to feel better, due to the scars caused by a lifetime of emotional abuse — abuse that cut her self-esteem to shreds because the bully in her life was her own mother.

We all know that food is fuel. We need it to survive. What many don't understand, especially those of us who struggle with emotional eating, is that food can also be used as a drug. It literally alters you biochemically. Certain foods — specifically, processed foods laden with sugar, additives, salt, and saturated fat — temporarily provide the same effects as Prozac. The food numbs the emotional pain by releasing a dopamine hit. That's what happens for Shelley.

When Shelley is lying in bed unable to fall asleep and feeling like a terrible mom, stuck in her shame cycle of yelling-eatrepeat, the pain is just too great, so she gets up and, in an almost robotic trance, seeks out her drug of choice: carbs and sugar — the substance that she has sub-consciously learned will give her a dopamine hit and allow her to feel better. She doesn't think about it. She doesn't think of the illogical reasoning and the logical consequence ... a body that is 40 pounds heavier than she desires.

(Continues…)


Excerpted from "The Parent Gap"
by .
Copyright © 2017 Randi Rubenstein.
Excerpted by permission of Morgan James Publishing.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Table of Contents

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS,
INTRODUCTION,
CHAPTER 1 Changing Unhealthy Patterns,
CHAPTER 2 Distractions are Coping Strategies,
CHAPTER 3 Tune Into Your Body's Whispers,
CHAPTER 4 Courage and Curiosity,
CHAPTER 5 Excavating Old Stories and Patterns,
CHAPTER 6 Be Your Cheerleader, Not Your Fear Leader,
CHAPTER 7 Letting Go of Perfection to Embrace Connection,
CHAPTER 8 Oy, the Guilt,
CHAPTER 9 Let's Do This, Ladies!,
THANK YOU,
ABOUT THE AUTHOR,

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