Table of Contents
Introduction 9
Section 1 The Basics of Ethical Nonmonogamy 23
Chapter 1 Talking Polyamory with Sam of Shrimp Teeth 26
Chapter 2 Approaching Polyam Relationships 36
Polyam Toolkit 36
Let's Check In 45
Chapter 3 Making the Switch from a Monogamous to a Polyamorous Mindset 48
Unhealthy versus Healthy Expectations 51
Scarcity and Abundance 53
Chapter 4 Hard Feelings and How We React to Them 58
What Are Hard feelings? 59
How to Use Hard Feelings 66
Making Your Self-Soothing Plan 69
Section 2 Rules, Boundaries, Agreements, and How We Can Make Room for Positive Conflict 71
Chapter 5 Talking Boundaries with Crystal Byrd Farmer 74
Chapter 6 Consent 82
Agency 83
Power 84
Communication 85
Chapter 7 The Three Dynamics: Rules, Agreements, and Boundaries 87
Rules 88
Agreements 90
Boundaries 94
Accountability 105
Section 3 Finding and Maintaining Community 113
Chapter 8 In Conversation with a Real-Life Polycule 116
Chapter 9 Community 128
Where to Find Community 129
Chapter 10 Vetting 132
Conversation 133
References 135
Community 135
Red Flags in Vetting 136
Chapter 11 Breakups: The Hard Part of Community 139
Frequent Causes for Polyam Breakups 140
Tips for Dealing with a Breakup 142
Final Thoughts 149
Taking a Final Moment 150
Recommended Reading and Resources 153
Acknowledgements 158
About the Author 159
