Read an Excerpt
Foreword
Self-image is more important than any other factor in determining direction, success, and overall happiness in life. This “ground zero” influences all of our choices, perspectives, and perceptions.
In his seventh book, renowned psychologist Dr. Stephan Poulter explores the profound emotional experience of shame. No emotion in a man or woman’s life is more confusing, debilitating, and damaging than shame.
What is shame? Its insidious nature is complicated and difficult to explain. You can live with all of the symptoms of this debilitating emotional condition and never want or be able to identify the origin. In The Shame Factor Dr. Poulter exposes the secret and nonfunctional nature of this psychological malaise.
He carefully dissects the root cause of shame, how it originates, and the many ways in which it can manifest and severely damage our lives. Understanding the origin and nature of shame is the first step in bringing awareness and healing to this misunderstood emotion.
Beyond simply defining shame, Dr. Poulter provides a road map to healing using insights, techniques, and exercises that have proven successful in many years of clinical practice. Self-acceptance and a person’s identity can be negatively impacted by the unseen role and harmful nature of shame.
In broader terms, the understanding and clarity Dr. Poulter provides can apply to “imposter syndrome,” fear of rejection, and all kinds of insecurity and self-doubt. He shows the emotional and psychological connection between shame and the negative self-image responsible for the majority of our suffering.
When trying to develop clarity about our “deep inner self,” I find it immensely helpful to expand the definition to include living a shame-free life. The day-to-day integration of both psychology and the emotional insight given in this book can aid us in our understanding of self.
Dr. Poulter is unique in his credentials and perspective because of his additional training in theology and law enforcement. His inclusive and comfortable presentation style resembles a personal meeting with him. Without being overly academic or philosophical, he speaks to you in a manner that is practical, safe, and full of hope. I’m looking forward to the powerful transformation this book will have in your life.
Dr. William Carter Felts
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The Preface of Shame—on a Personal Level
"It always seems impossible until it is done." — Nelson Mandela (Nelson Mandela Foundation, 2001)
My journey with shame started early on. I had many personal challenges. I had a speech problem, a terrible time with learning how to read, and wore glasses when it was a stigma to have four eyes. Around six or seven years old, I knew something didn’t feel right inside of me. I knew it wasn’t mental illness because I saw plenty of that in my family and relatives. This feeling of terror and despair in my stomach was an all too common experience. What was it? I couldn’t describe it, I could only feel it.
My reading problem became a personal problem and source of personal contention with my parents. I was always in the lowest reading group during elementary school. This feeling of inadequacy was my closest and best friend. I just couldn’t mentally put things together and struggled with reading out loud in class. I tried so hard, but my mind just didn’t process it. I got “Ds” for reading all through elementary school, which was catastrophic for me and impacted how I felt I was viewed by my parents. I am not saying that a lot of other things weren’t happening at home, but poor reading grades were the bane of my young life. Finally, in the sixth grade, my teacher had me read to her privately. I got my first “A” in reading; I literally felt like I was the luckiest kid in the world. Unfortunately, the damage was done. The self-loathing of feeling stupid, defective, and odd was already set in cement. I tried to hide my emotional malaise, but it was never far away.
No one growing up talked about anything below the surface of life in the 1970s and early 1980s. There was an emotional “gag” order on expressing anything negative or remotely emotionally insightful. I clearly had grey “duck” tape figuratively around my heart and soul; this continued through childhood and into early adulthood. It wasn’t until my second major romantic break-up that I had to do something. My heart felt like it was hemorrhaging emotional pain and chronically feeling this weird emotion of being “defective” and “not good enough.” When I would mention my emotional malaise to my closet buddies, they would look at me oddly like my beagle does when I refuse to give her my dinner. I clearly had a problem that no one felt or talked about. This realization post-college was even more upsetting. On paper my life looked fine, I just didn’t feel fine.
It wasn’t until my mid-twenties that I finally sought out a therapist. I had to do something because the future didn’t look or feel very promising. I didn’t tell anyone that I was going to get professional help because none of my friends or family ever did that before.
Putting words to this “dis-ease” and emotional malaise seemed impossible. I didn’t feel depressed, and not particularly anxious, but I just felt seriously defective. I asked my therapist on our first visit, “I feel really messed up on the inside. What is it, because I feel terrible and empty inside?” My mild-mannered psychologist looked at me and said, “Stephan, you are struggling with shame!” Finally, my emotional terrorist was named and exposed. The relief I began to feel over the following months was tremendous. What is shame?
Shame was now formally named. The state of not knowing what was wrong with me was torture in itself. It’s been a bumpy dirt road of a healing process ever since in not allowing shame to control my life.
This book, The Shame Factor, is an in-depth exploration into the insidious unrecognizable role shame plays in people’s lives. Smart, loving men and women tell me all the time that they don’t have any shame. The denial, avoidance, and emotional amnesia of trauma is the perfect setting for shame’s growth and control in our lives. Childhood, family history, emotional expression, addiction, career, money, love, sex, relationships, people pleasing, self-doubt, embarrassment, imposter syndrome and all the other factors of shame are going to be discussed. I know you have the courage to read this book and continue your journey to living a shame-free life. Shame is a very tricky psychological phenomenon and is going to be systematically discussed for you to see and decide how you want to manage it.
"There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it’s going to be a butterfly." — R. Buckminster Fuller (BF Institute, 1965)
Thank you, and let’s start this process.
Stephan
