To Have and to Hold: Motherhood, Marriage, and the Modern Dilemma

by Molly Millwood PhD

Overview

A clinical psychologist’s exploration of the modern dilemmas women face in the wake of new motherhood

When Molly Millwood became a mother, she was fully prepared for what she would gain: an adorable baby boy; hard-won mothering skills; and a messy, chaotic, beautiful life. But what she did not expect was what she would lose: aspects of her identity, a baseline level of happiness, a general sense of wellbeing. And though she had the benefit of a supportive husband during this transition, she also at times resented the fact that the disruption to his life seemed to pale in comparison to hers.

As a clinical psychologist, Molly knew her experience was a normal response to a life-changing event. But without the advantage of such a perspective, many of the patients she treated in her private practice grappled with self-doubt, guilt, and fear, and suffered the dual pain of not only the struggle to adjust but also the overwhelming shame for struggling at all.

In To Have and to Hold, Molly explores the complex terrain of new motherhood, illuminating the ways it affects women psychologically, emotionally, physically, and professionally—as well as how it impacts their partnership. Along with the arrival of a bundle of joy come thorny issues such as self-worth, control, autonomy, and dependency. And for most new mothers, these issues are experienced within the context of an intimate relationship, adding another layer of tension, conflict, and confusion to an already challenging time.

As Molly examines the inextricable link between women’s well-being as new mothers and the well-being of their relationships, she offers guidance to help readers reclaim their identities, overcome their guilt and shame, and repair their relationships. A blend of personal narrative, scientific research, and stories from Molly’s clinical practice, To Have and to Hold provides a much-needed lifeline to new mothers everywhere.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780062838650
Publisher:	HarperCollins Publishers
Publication date:	03/26/2019
Pages:	288
Sales rank:	104,248
Product dimensions:	6.30(w) x 9.00(h) x 1.10(d)

About the Author

Dr. Molly Millwood holds a Ph.D. in clinical psychology with advanced specialized training in marital therapy and intimate relationships.  After completing a post-doctoral fellowship at Stanford, Dr. Millwood joined the faculty of Saint Michael's College in Vermont where she is now a tenured professor and clinical supervisor. She teaches a course in marital therapy to graduate students earning their master’s degrees in clinical psychology, and her popular undergraduate course, The Psychology of Marriage & Relationships. She has published research articles on marital distress in peer-reviewed scientific journals and has presented her work at the annual convention of the American Psychological Association and other national conferences. Dr. Millwood is also a licensed psychologist in private practice where she is particularly known for her work with couples and with women navigating the transition to parenthood. She was a founding member of Vermont’s Postpartum Wellness Project, a community-based initiative to promote mental and physical wellness in new mothers through the services of a multidisciplinary team of practitioners. She lives in Vermont with her husband and two young children. 

Table of Contents

Introduction ix

1 Women Transformed 1

2 Out of the Shame Hole 17

3 The Full Catastrophe 39

4 Mom, Interrupted 59

5 It Takes a Village to Raise a Mother 77

6 The Great Divide 107

7 Couples Adrift 133

8 In the Weeds 155

9 Live-In Buddhas 177

10 Lost and Found 213

Acknowledgments 241

Notes 245

Index 255

Editorial Reviews

12/17/2018

Millwood brings her experience as a clinical psychologist and mother to a compassionate book that affirms that emotional difficulties for new mothers are not anomalous but universal and can extend well past the immediate postpartum period, with profound effects on their relationships with their spouses. Millwood draws deeply on attachment theory, not only with regards to parents and children but to couples (the book focuses exclusively on heterosexual relationships, as the author notes at the start), considering how women who fail to find a sense of security and safety from their partners can feel undermined, similar to the way children struggle when they don’t firmly attach to their parents. Despite Millwood’s supportive tone, she still puts most of the onus on women, suggesting that they improve their social networks, let dads take on childcare chores even when they are bad at them, and remain open to criticism from their husbands. Despite this potential hurdle for some readers, Millwood performs a helpful task in giving mothers permission to acknowledge motherhood’s darker side, and in offering them help with their marriages as well as their parenting. (Apr.)

Publishers Weekly

“To Have and to Hold speaks to so many women’s experiences of motherhood and marriage. Molly’s expertise shines on every page, and she writes beautifully.  This book is exactly what I would be looking for if I were a new mother.” — Dr. Sue Johnson, bestselling author of Hold Me Tight

“A love note to mothers everywhere, movingly written, To Have and to Hold shines a powerful light on aspects of motherhood too long shrouded in shame. Millwood’s refrain— you are not alone, and what you’re feeling is normal—is as empowering as it is healing.” — Dr. Craig Malkin, lecturer, Harvard Medical School, author of  Rethinking Narcissism 

“In To Have and to Hold, Molly Millwood has rendered an affecting portrait of the complexities of modern motherhood with compassion and empathy. While the mundanities of caring for young children can obscure the beauty of the act—as well as disorient us from ourselves—her gentle guidance will help readers find meaning, connection, and joy amid the chaos.” — Leah Weiss, PhD, author of How We Work, Lecturer at Stanford Business School, and founding faculty member of Stanford’s Compassion Cultivation Program

“A compassionate book that affirms that emotional difficulties for new mothers are not anomalous but universal and can extend well past the immediate postpartum period, with profound effects on their relationships with their spouses.” — Publishers Weekly

“Although there are books on what to expect during pregnancy, there are few resources that address the major shifts that happen once a family welcomes a new baby. Drawing from research, her clinical practice, and her own life, [psychologist] Millwood explores attachment, marital strife, gender roles, and other essential topics.” — Booklist (starred review)

“As a culture, we largely ignore the emotional health and wellbeing of new mothers. To Have and to Hold provides an insightful and nuanced perspective from which to view the challenges facing so many women. Dr. Millwood’s writing is highly readable and her tone deeply kind. Thank you for pulling us out of the shame cave and into the light.” — Amy Mandeville O’Meara, WHNP, DrNP, AGNP, author of Maternity, Newborn, and Women’s Health Nursing

“Informative, entertaining, and enlightening research and personal reflections on the multifaceted ways children change a person forever.” — Kirkus Reviews

From the Publisher

Although there are books on what to expect during pregnancy, there are few resources that address the major shifts that happen once a family welcomes a new baby. Drawing from research, her clinical practice, and her own life, [psychologist] Millwood explores attachment, marital strife, gender roles, and other essential topics.

Booklist (starred review)

“To Have and to Hold speaks to so many women’s experiences of motherhood and marriage. Molly’s expertise shines on every page, and she writes beautifully.  This book is exactly what I would be looking for if I were a new mother.

Dr. Sue Johnson

As a culture, we largely ignore the emotional health and wellbeing of new mothers. To Have and to Hold provides an insightful and nuanced perspective from which to view the challenges facing so many women. Dr. Millwood’s writing is highly readable and her tone deeply kind. Thank you for pulling us out of the shame cave and into the light.

Amy Mandeville O’Meara

In To Have and to Hold, Molly Millwood has rendered an affecting portrait of the complexities of modern motherhood with compassion and empathy. While the mundanities of caring for young children can obscure the beauty of the act—as well as disorient us from ourselves—her gentle guidance will help readers find meaning, connection, and joy amid the chaos.

Leah Weiss

A love note to mothers everywhere, movingly written, To Have and to Hold shines a powerful light on aspects of motherhood too long shrouded in shame. Millwood’s refrain— you are not alone, and what you’re feeling is normal—is as empowering as it is healing.

Dr. Craig Malkin

2018-11-20

An intriguing perspective on the permanent physical and emotional changes a woman experiences after giving birth.

There are countless books on the physical and emotional fluctuations women experience as they go through pregnancy, but far fewer delve into how those same transformations affect a woman long after the birth of her child. Millwood (Psychology/Saint Michael's Coll.), a clinical psychologist who focuses on marital therapy and intimate relationships, expertly combines research and her personal story into a book that she wished she could have read during her struggles as a new mother. The author discusses how postpartum depression can affect a woman years after giving birth, how the stress caused by lack of sleep is prevalent yet not often discussed, and how the body keeps the memories of trauma embedded in its cells, which can resurface unexpectedly and at odd moments. Throughout, Millwood shares her own journey as a mother, from the elation of being pregnant to the reality that sometimes things got boring while nursing or running after her toddler, with no adult interaction for hours at a time. She explores the shame and guilt women feel for not being as happy as they anticipated with their new child, often exacerbated by the loss of personal freedom and spontaneity. Millwood also relates how having a child can affect women's marriages and/or long-term relationships. Women are often upset at the apparent lack of sacrifices made by their significant others when comparing their before-child life to their post-child life—not to mention the burden placed on mothers to know everything about caring for a child, with the spouse in the role of helper instead of equal partner in all duties and responsibilities. Mothers who are struggling to accept their new role have a definite advocate in Millwood.

Informative, entertaining, and enlightening research and personal reflections on the multifaceted ways children change a person forever.

Kirkus Reviews

As a culture, we largely ignore the emotional health and wellbeing of new mothers. To Have and to Hold  provides an insightful and nuanced perspective from which to view the challenges facing so many women. Dr. Millwood’s writing is highly readable and her tone deeply kind. Thank you for pulling us out of the shame cave and into the light.

Amy Mandeville O'Meara

12/01/2018

Psychologist Millwood combines her experiences as a mother, the stories of her clients, and professional expertise to consider the challenging transition to motherhood. Despite the plethora of parenting books, Millwood found little regarding the complex emotions new mothers face and the strain parenthood places on a marriage. Without intentionally limiting her audience, Miller is predisposed to write about heterosexual, committed couples because most women become mothers in that context. Furthermore, many gender differences in our culture impact motherhood. With the addition of children in the home, women's worlds are changed more than men's, and couples tend to sink into gender stereotypes. Society sets expectations that make it difficult for women to admit mothering isn't easy. Parents receive little support; parental leave is often unpaid, and the close-knit community and extended family of the past have disintegrated. VERDICT Miller's resonant message is that everyone should acknowledge all facets of motherhood, including the negative. Mothers-to-be and parents of babies and young children may find it reassuring that it's typical to feel conflicted and even angry owing to the upheaval and transformation of their lives.—Janet Clapp, N. Clarendon, VT

Library Journal