Understanding Your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart

by Alan Wolfelt

Overview

Since its debut thirty years ago, this favorite by one of the world’s most beloved grief counselors has found a place in the homes and hearts of hundreds of thousands of mourners across the globe. Filled with compassion and hope, Understanding Your Grief helps you understand and befriend your painful, complex thoughts and feelings after the death of someone loved. Befriending grief may sound counterintuitive, but actually, your grief is your love for the person who died in a different form, and like that love, it’s also natural and necessary. Perhaps above all, Understanding Your Grief is practical. It’s built on Dr. Wolfelt’s Ten Touchstones, which are basic principles to learn and actions to take to help yourself engage with your grief and create momentum toward healing. This second edition maintains the content of the first edition but builds on it by adding concise wisdom on new topics such as the myth of closure, complicated and traumatic grief, grief overload, unmourned grief, loneliness, the power of ritual, and more. Excellent as an empathetic handbook for anyone in mourning as well as a text for support groups, Understanding Your Grief pairs with a guided journal.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781617223075
Publisher:	Companion Press
Publication date:	09/01/2021
Series:	Understanding Your Grief
Edition description:	Second edition
Pages:	176
Product dimensions:	5.50(w) x 8.40(h) x 0.60(d)

About the Author

Dr. Alan Wolfelt has been recognized as one of North America’s leading death educators and grief counselors. His books have sold more than a million copies worldwide and have been translated into many languages. He is known around the world for his compassionate messages of hope and healing as well as his companioning philosophy of grief care. Dr. Wolfelt speaks on grief-related topics, offers trainings for caregivers, and has written many bestselling books and other resources on grief for both caregivers and grieving people.

Table of Contents

Foreword i

Preface iii

Introduction 1

Surviving the Early Days 2

Understanding as Surrendering 3

Understanding All Your Griefs 4

The Ten Touchstones 5

Finding Hope 6

Divine Momentum 7

Healing Your Heart 8

A Word about Faith and Spirituality 9

Owning and Honoring Your Journey 10

Companioning Versus Treating 11

How to Use This Book 12

In Gratitude 14

365 Days of Understanding Your Grief 14

Touchstone 1 Open to the Presence of Your Loss 15

What is Healing in Grief? 16

Setting Your Intention to Heal 19

Dosing Your Pain 19

Reconciling Your Grief 21

Making Grief Your Friend 22

Spiritual Pessimism Versus Spiritual Optimism 22

No Rewards for Speed 23

"Doing Well" with Your Grief 23

The importance of Presence 25

Grief Is Not a Disease 25

Attention, Compassion, and Expression 26

Touchstone 2 Dispel a Dozen Misconceptions about Grief 29

Misconception 30

Misconception 1 Grief and Mourning Are the Same Thing 31

Misconception 2 Grief and Mourning Progress in Orderly, Predictable Stages 33

Misconception 3 You Should Move Away from Grief, Not Toward It 34

Misconception 4 Tears of Grief Are a Sign of Weakness 36

Misconception 5 Being Upset and Openly Mourning Means You Are Being "Weak" in Your Faith 37

Misconception 6 When Someone You Love Dies, You Only Grieve and Mourn for the Physical Absence of the Person 38

Misconception 7 You Should Try Not to Think about the Person Who Died on Special Days Like Holidays, Anniversaries, and Birthdays 40

Misconception 8 At the Funeral or as Soon as Possible, You Have to Say Goodbye to the Person Who Died 41

Misconception 9 After Someone You Love Dies, the Goal Should Be to "Get Over" Your Grief as Soon as Possible 42

Misconception 10 Nobody Can Help You with Your Grief 43

Misconception 11 If You're Focusing Too Much on Your Grief, You're Being Selfish 44

Misconception 12 When Grief and Mourning Are Finally Reconciled, They Never Come Up Again 45

Realistic Expectations for Grief and Mourning 46

Touchstone 3 Embrace the Uniqueness of Your Grief 49

Why 1 Your Relationship with the Person Who Died 50

Soulmate Grief 51

Why 2 The Circumstances of the Death 52

Expected Loss and Anticipatory Grief 52

Why 3 The People in Your Life 53

Is Your Grief Complicated? 55

Why 4 Your Unique Personality 56

Why 5 The Unique Personality of the Person Who Died 56

Why 6 Your Cultural Background 57

Why 7 Your Religious or Spiritual Background 58

Why 8 Other Crises or Stresses in Your Life Right Now 59

Why 9 Your Experiences with Loss and Death in the Past 60

Too Much Loss 60

Why 10 Your Physical and Mental Health 61

Why 11 Your Gender 62

Why 12 The Ritual or Funeral Experience 63

The Importance of Telling Your Story 64

Moving from Whys to Whats 65

Touchstone 4 Explore Your Feelings of Loss 67

Shock, Numbness, Denial, and Disbelief 69

Self-Care Guidelines 71

Disorganization, Confusion, Searching, and Yearning 72

Self-Care Guidelines 74

Thoughts on Resilience 75

Anxiety, Panic, and Fear 75

Self-Care Guidelines 76

Explosive Emotions 77

Self-Care Guidelines 79

Guilt and Regret 79

Survivor Guilt 80

Relief-Guilt 80

Joy-Guilt 81

Magical Thinking and Guilt 81

Longstanding Personality Factors 82

Self-Care Guidelines 82

Sadness and Depression 83

The Dark Night of the Soul 84

Normal Grief or Clinical Depression? 86

Self-Care Guidelines 89

Relief and Release 90

Self-Care Guidelines 91

A Final Thought about the Feelings You May Experience 91

Touchstone 5 Understand the Six Needs of Mourning 93

Mourning Need 1 Acknowledge the Reality of the Death 96

Mourning Need 2 Embrace the Pain of the Loss 97

Mourning Need 3 Remember the Person Who Died 99

On Going Backward Before You Can Go Forward 100

Mourning Need 4 Develop a New Self-Identity 102

Mourning Need 5 Search for Meaning 104

Turning to Ritual to Facilitate Mourning 105

Mourning Need 6 Let Others Help You-Now and Always 106

Journeying with the Six Needs 107

Touchstone 6 Recognize You Are Not Crazy 109

Time Distortion 111

Self-Focus 112

Rethinking and Retelling Your Story 113

Sudden Changes in Mood 114

Powerlessness and Helplessness 115

Grief Attacks or Griefbursts 116

Crying and Sobbing 117

Borrowed Tears 118

Linking Objects 119

Identification Symptoms of Physical Illness 120

Suicidal Thoughts 121

Drug or Alcohol Use 122

Dreams 123

Mystical Experiences 124

Anniversaries, Holidays, and Special Occasions 126

The Crazy Things People Say and Do 127

You're Not Crazy, You're Grieving 128

Touchstone 7 Nurture Yourself 129

First Aid for Broken Hearts 131

Nurturing Your Whole Self 132

Nurturing Yourself Physically 132

Twelve Commandments of Good Health 133

Nurturing Yourself Cognitively 139

Practicing Mindfulness 139

Divine Spark 140

Ideas for Cognitive Self-Care 141

Tuning into Your Love Language 143

Nurturing Yourself Emotionally 144

Ideas for Emotional Self-Care 145

Nurturing Yourself Socially 147

Ideas for Social Self-Care 147

The Loneliness of Grief 148

Nurturing Yourself Spiritually 150

Ideas for Spiritual Self-Care 151

What Are You Doing to Take Good Care of Yourself Today? 154

Touchstone 8 Reach Out for Help 155

Where to Turn for Help 158

The Rule of Thirds 159

How Others Can Help You: Three Essentials 160

Reaching Out to a Support Group 161

Getting Help in a Crisis 162

How to Find a Grief Support Group 163

How to Know If You've Found a Helpful Support Group 165

Reaching Out to a Grief Counselor 166

Mourning Carried Grief 167

How to Find a Good Counselor 168

Length of Counseling 169

Reaching Out When Your Grief is Complicated 169

Categories of Complicated Grief 171

Unembarked Grief 171

Impasse Grief 171

Off-Trail Grief 172

Encamped Grief 173

Getting Help for Complicated Grief 173

A Few Last Thoughts about Reaching Out for Help 175

Touchstone 9 Seek Reconciliation, Not Resolution 177

Your Patchwork Heart 179

Signs of Reconciliation 180

Managing Your Expectations 182

Not Attached to Outcome 184

Choosing Hope for Your Healing 185

Borrowing Hope 186

The Safety Net of Faith 187

You Will Get There 187

Touchstone 10 Appreciate Your Transformation 189

Change Is Growth 191

Befriending Impermanence Is Growth 192

Finding a New Normal Is Growth 192

Exploring Your Assumptions about Life Is Growth 193

Embracing Vulnerability Is Growth 194

Learning to Use Your Potential Is Growth 194

Your Responsibility to Live 195

Nourishing Your Transformed Soul 197

Doing the Work-Today and Tomorrow 198

A Final Word 201

The Mourner's Bill of Rights 203

Helping Resources 205

Further Reading 208

Index 211