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Utterly Lost in Translation
Even More Misadventures in English Abroad
By Charlie Croker, Andrew Pinder John Blake Publishing Ltd
Copyright © 2015 Charlie Croker
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-78418-684-5
CHAPTER 1
Getting there ... or not
They say that the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. The trouble is, it often ends with a single badly translated notice ...
* SIGN ON CABIN DOOR, SLEEPER TRAIN, VENICE TO PARIS:
This compartiment is equipe of a detector of fire. In the event of declenchement of audible alarm, evacuer the compartiment without precipitatation and come into contact with the crew.
* SIGN, PORT OF VENICE:
ALLOWED ACCESS ONLY TO HIM AUTHORIZED.
* IN TERMS AND CONDITIONS OF TURKISH AIRLINES TICKET:
After departure ticket is non-refundable in case of refund.
* STANSTED AIRPORT, UK:
Help us to reduce queues. Please stand in line.
* SIGN ON REAR OF TRUCK, NEW DELHI, INDIA:
Don't fast.
* AIRPORT, CHINA:
This is a civilized airport.
* HOTEL GUEST INFORMATION BOOKLET, THAILAND:
If you are thinking of hiring a car please drive carefully as all Thai drivers have a death wish.
* TRAIN, ITALY:
Do not damage or dirty the railways carriages.
Passengers disregarding the above-mentioned regulations must bear the resulting consequences.
* SIGN FOR WHEELCHAIR-ACCESSIBLE ROAD, CHINA:
Traffic lan for defromed man.
* METRO STATION, SHANGHAI, CHINA:
If you are stolen, call the police at once.
* ROAD SIGN, INDIA:
GO SLOW – accident porn area.
* INDIAN TAXI DRIVER TO BRITISH MALE PASSENGER:
'In Rajasthan, if you have strong penis you can get a lot of lady, sir.'
* SIGN IN FRONT OF RESTAURANT, MEXICO CITY, MEXICO:
Valet Porking.
* ON BACK OF LORRY, MANIPUR STATE, INDIA:
In trust we God.
* ON BACK OF TAXI, THAILAND:
How is my driving? How is my attitude? If you think I should be change my attitude please contact us.
* ROAD SIGN AT EXIT FROM VILLAGE, ALGERIA:
Au Revoir
Goodbye
Bon route
Good road.
* ON BACK OF RICKSHAW, INDIA:
Snake poison is better than Lady Smile.
* NOTICE AT BANGALORE CANTONMENT TRAIN STATION, INDIA, EARLY 1980S:
Ticketless traveller heavy penalty awaits.
* NOTICE OVER WASHBASIN IN TRAIN TOILET, YUGOSLAVIA, 1957:
For to obtain of water reverse handle indifferently to left and right.
* NOTICE IN SMALL AIRCRAFT, JAPAN:
Such as scissors, knives, cutlery, bringing in an aircraft shall be deemed to be the other weapon, the law.
Are prohibited.
In addition, hazardous substances such as flammable fire brought into the aircraft, and even entrusted the handling of baggage.
Not. If you are in possession of restricted items carry, or will put us in the baggage, leave the security checkpoint.
We ask you at the disposal.
If you are in possession of dangerous goods, we ask you to waste as the security checkpoint at the start.
* FAQ SECTION FROM THE SAME AIRLINE'S WEBSITE:
Q: When buying airline tickets on credit cards can I pay?
A: Buy our ticket desk in cash has become only your credit card will not be accepted. In addition, the airport terminal, the bank ATM, etc. Please note no.
Q: What do I how long before the flight attendant?
A: Departure 30 minutes ago. Please come by. Please visit us have the time to spare.
Q: If I heard that bad weather might be cancelled?
A: Departure, if the Company falls below the standard operation of the destination and weather conditions may be canceled. And may be operated again after waiting for the recovery of the weather.
Q: Is there a bathroom on the plane?
A: The cabin has no toilet facilities. Please complete your in terminal before boarding.
* OUT-OF-ORDER TICKET MACHINE, GARE DU NORD, PARIS, FRANCE:
Temporarily inalienable terminal. Please excuse us for the caused embarrassment.
* SIGN IN CAR PARK, AQUARIUM, AUSTRALIA:
Beware Children Drive Slowly.
* INSTRUCTIONS FOR REAR-VIEW MONITOR, TOYOTA PRIUS, 2010:
As it becomes hard to see if a stain or a drop sticks, clean the camera lens without hurting it.
* SIGN IN AIRPORT CAR PARK, CHINA:
Please confirm your car is licked.
* SIGN AT AIRPORT, CHINA:
Luggage disembowel.
* SIGN, GREECE:
Parking is for bitten along the coastal road.
* SIGN ON SIGHTSEEING BOAT, NAM NGUM RIVER, LAOS:
Report: Please you singout to the boat can you checking maintain your property. (Thank you).
* CABLE RAILWAY, AUSTRIA:
Last accent to the peak at 5 p.m.
* CAR PARK, MONTEROSSO AL MARE, ITALY:
1) It is paid only when the vehicle witdrawes him
2) To preserve the token not to lose
3) The automatic box is paid to is found next to the door of the staircases to the plain earth
4) Recommend him effected the paiment 10 minutes of time are had only for going out of the parking lot.
* SIGN ON BOAT, GREECE:
Boarding this vessel is deemed valid consent to inspect persons artifacts and effect. Refusal to inspect will result in boarding denied & reporting to authorities.
* CAR FERRY, GREECE:
Passengers please not to stand on the dock since dangerous lintel will have it off with your feet.
* NOTICE IN TOILET ON TRAIN, CHINA, 2007:
Do not use toilet while train is stabling.
This notice was corrected in preparation for the 2008 Olympics. It then read:
Do not use toilet while train is in stable.
* SIGN, GREECE:
Motorcycles for Red.
* SIGN AT WILSON AIRPORT, NAIROBI, KENYA:
KENYA SCHOOL OF FLYLING
For Those Who Defy GRAVITY Safely.
* PATTAYA, THAILAND:
Motorbytes for rent.
* NOTICE IN TAXI, SHANGHAI, CHINA:
Psychos or drunkards without guardians are prohibited.
* SIGN AT TRAIN STATION, ROME, ITALY:
Tickets must be obliterated.
CHAPTER 2
Retail ructions
If you're one of those shoppers who gets annoyed at the inaccuracy of a 'five items or less' sign, you may want to avert your gaze at this point ...
* ON DOOR OF CLOSED SHOP, EGYPT:
I'm in the toilet.
* BEAUTY SHOP, YANGON, BURMA:
Please, don't forget your valuable things in the toilet.
* MASSAGE BUSINESS, CHINA:
Lord of the Ring Chinese Massage Center.
* GYM, TOKYO, JAPAN:
Ret's Fitness!
* WOMEN'S CLOTHES SHOP, CHINA:
Take free titty.
* SALON, CHINA:
Foot care
Body care
Head care
Horny care.
* SIGN OUTSIDE INDIAN HAIR SALON:
Super Saloon
Dye, fachial, messes and children cutting here.
* SIGN, PRATAP PURA, INDIA:
Anus English Academy – no problem.
* SOUTH GOA, INDIA:
Please do not park in front of the shitter.
* SHOP SELLING BAVARIAN BEER MUGS, MUNICH, GERMANY:
We sell beer stains.
* DUBAI, UAE:
A tailor in Dubai is called 'The In Trend', the labels in its garments reading 'TiT'.
* NAME OF SPORTS SHOES SHOP, AIX-EN-PROVENCE, FRANCE:
Athlete's Foot.
* SHOP, DALSTON, LONDON, UK:
Welcome the to shop.
This was then corrected to:
Welcome the shop.
* ELECTRICAL APPLIANCE STORE, TOKYO, JAPAN:
May I ask a favor. Please refrain from bringing the goods before payment in the restroom.
* ON A COSMETICS COUNTER, ROME, ITALY:
It is forbidden to trick yourself or prove the rosettes.
* SIGN IN A DEPARTMENT STORE IN PERUGIA, ITALY, INDICATING THE LINGERIE SECTION:
Intimacy.
* SIGN OVER ESCALATOR TO FEMALE CLOTHING DEPARTMENT, FLORENCE, ITALY:
Woman upstairs.
* SIGN ABOVE DISPLAY OF DIGITAL CAMERAS, TENERIFE, CANARY ISLANDS:
BLOODY HELL OFFER.
* BEAUTY SALON, CHINA:
Chinese Oil massage
European Oil massage
Trim the foot.
* BEAUTY SALON, PHUKET, THAILAND:
A relaxing foot bath where you start with a special crime.
* BOOKSHOP, CHINA:
Sports and hobbits.
* HOTEL SPA, CAIRO, EGYPT:
Pharaonic Body Warp
Body Warp (Seaweed).
* SHOP IN MALLAIG, SCOTLAND, UK:
We can supply you with anything the West Highland weather can throw at you, including sunglasses.
* SIGN ABOVE HOTEL JEWELLERY SHOP, THAILAND:
Porn gems.
* SIGN, THAILAND:
Tattoo
Henna painting
Last 2 week temporarily.
* SIGN ON AWNING OF SHOP, PARIS, FRANCE:
Alcools and stranger wines.
* ON A DISPLAY OF 'I LOVE YOU ONLY' VALENTINE CARDS, USA:
Now available in multi-packs.
* CLOTHING STORE, USA:
Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
* MEN'S CLOTHING STORE, TACOMA, WASHINGTON, USA:
15 men's wool suits – $10.00 – They won't last an hour!
* SHOP, MAINE, USA:
Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
* APPLIANCE STORE, KENTUCKY, USA:
Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work.
* CHINESE MEDICINE PRACTICE, SINGAPORE:
The practitioner offers treatments for the following complaints:
Knuckle disease
The knuckle ligament is harmed
The board is harmed in half a month
The fat cushion is strained
Fall and injure the department
The acute waist is sprained
Daily 9am–9pm. Pubic holiday – open.
CHAPTER 3
Impenetrable instructions
You know what it's like with a new purchase – the excited rush to get home, the eager tearing away at the packaging, the anticipation as you take your new toy from its box – and then the puzzled face as you try to decipher the instructions ...
* MOBILE PHONE, CHINA:
Warning: do not follow these instructions may cause a fire, electric shock, damage or other damage
Do not throw, not disassembles or pierce Travel Battery.
* ELECTRICAL WIRE CUTTERS, CHINA:
Before use, please read this instruction for god's sake and keep well ... Please put on the ocular for use safe ... Keep well for fear of danger.
* MOP, CHINA:
On the base of innovative conception and dehydrate theory, it has poweful cleaning and 100% complete dehydrate effect which can not make your hands dirty. Now it has the following advantages: no waste physical strength, no need to plugging in, operate easily. Both man and children can use conveniently.
It can control the dry/wet percentage of the list automatically ... Unique list fiber which can clean the dirty parts powerfully, and it would not scratch the floor and some other exquisite surface.
It adopts the technological design and can reduce the burden of hands/lumbar muscle which would not make you tired and body hurting. You only use it easily and make you do the homework quickly.
Clean the environment of your home like bathroom/kitchen/living room/bedchamber easily. This one valued ten normal mops.
It can be used at home and some commercial or public space ... wash the car and burnish and different parts.
DON'T USE MENTAL OR COARSE RAG TO WASH THE BUCKET IN CASE OF SCRAPING.
DON'T PUT THE EASY MOP DIRECTLY UNDER THE SUNSHINE. DON'T PUT THE EASY MOP CLOSE THE FIRE TOO MUCH IN CASE OF DAMAGE.
KIDS USE EASY MOP SHOULD BE KEPT WATCHING BY ADULTS.
FALLING FROM UPPER LEVEL IS FORBIDDEN.
PLS REMIND YOUR FAMILY (ESPECIAL OLDER AND KIDS), DON'T PLAY ON THE WET FLOOR, WHICH WILL LEAD TO SLIP.
* TEAPOT, CHINA:
Made by handmade.
Product will be easy broken, please be careful to use.
Using limits: hot tea.
After pouring boiling water into the glass, temperature will rise up being very higher, be careful when the glass being burned.
Let glass keep away from the wet place.
Avoid hitting or dropping it from higher place.
Don't use in the dangerous situation, please always put on the flat.
Crack is the reason for glass broken.
Don't wash the glass with something hard or abrasiving it easily.
Don't use out of the product limits.
When washing, please keep space with others
* GLUE, TUNISIA:
Can in a twinking glue to match the every kind of metals, rubber, handicraft product, car glass, etc.
METHOD OF USING:
1 Will first two the water of coalescanse things vamish rust the dust clearance is clean, and combine to beat to whet neat fit fogether the position. Because of its have no to fill the characteristic of the crevice.
2 Break the mouth of a bottle with pinprick, and lightly extrude a little amount glue even draw the cloth a the thing is superficial, fleetness with another a thing coalescence stick positive, bring pressure roughy 10 seconds, immediately glue to match.
3 If have to glue to connect not good, must afresh separate and remove the gumlayer, repetition above operation.
* COLOUR PRINTER CARTRIDGE, BOUGHT IN UK:
Take out the pin from the lable which is sticked to the top-cover.
If the cartridge has several holes, please make sure all the holes are poked.
Attention Affairs ... After poking the hole(s), please don't press or upside down the cartridge.
* CAMERA, JAPAN:
Beware the weatherly swell.
* TOY RACING CAR, COUNTRY UNKNOWN:
Enjoy racing once's limit, by skill, by speed, by taking once's limit, be tough, be strong, be a champion, are you rendr?
* SPECIAL BAG USED FOR WASHING HORSE-RIDERS' CLOTHES, COUNTRY UNKNOWN:
After washing, any trapped horse-hair can be easily shaken out of the bag, ready for re-use.
* SET-TOP BOX, COUNTRY UNKNOWN:
Please read this manual with sufficient carefulness and patience precede the connection and installation.
Advice you operate each function using the button.
Load the batteries to the groove of the remote controller and then enable you to operate the native.
When the picture the unexpected nonresponse happening please turn on the machine again.
Herein, what audio language is chosen indicates which owns the strong priority in broadcasting.
Fill a group of digits and then refill which.
The set channel will be enjoying when the installed time is up.
Any changes will not be noticed in advance. Our company reserves the right for the explanation of the discrepancy.
* SHOES, CHINA:
Please put on the shoes with careful. You are liable to fall down by unsteady step.
Please don't told the back counter. It will be liable to put off you may be hurted.
Please put on the shoes according to using itself. The shoes are not match use itself make you hurted.
Please choose the shoes after knowing your foot size and character.
FEELING AN ITCH AND DERMATITIS: Don't put on the shoes promptly. The sickness may deepen.
Please pay attention to use in wearing bright socks. It will be liable to pollute the socks.
* TICKET MACHINE, ITALY:
Insert the ticket.
Execute the payment.
* LABEL ON ITEM OF CLOTHING, ITALY:
This item is brainchild of style research. The innovative design and the best material on the market confear at Kesly's item a particular vibration. Be grateful from all fashion victim.
* KITE, COUNTRY UNKNOWN:
Never fly in thunder storms, rain or violate winds.
Never fly in crowded area since the hard crash can cause peoples hurting.
A park or beach is the idea flying sites.
* MOP, COUNTRY UNKNOWN:
1. It fix automatically when twisting the fixer on mop makes it easy to change.
2. Made of cotton and yarn mixture, it is absorbable and not easy to twisted while sweeping, with wide sweeping area.
* INSTRUCTIONS IN LAUNDRY, STUDENT HALLS OF RESIDENCE, RENNES, FRANCE:
Put the linen (to the ¾ of the drum)
Close the port hole
Regulate the cycle of was in
Introduce your detergent
Raise the number of the machine.
* HANDSAW, COUNTRY UNKNOWN:
Suitable for wood, plastics and some metals. Not suitable for children under 36 months.
* BATTERY FOR MOTORCYCLE, JAPAN:
Method of detoxify:
Outside: to wash by clear fresh water.
Inside: take a plenty of clear fresh water of cattle breast, well- distributed egg, or vegetable oil. Please sent to hospital at once.
* FRENCH GRAIN MACHINE, WHICH AFTER SQUEEZING THE GRAIN ALLOWS IT TO FALL ONTO A CONVEYOR:
If you do not get a good humidity, you do not get a good falling down of the grain.
* ITEM OF TECHNICAL EQUIPMENT, SPAIN:
The meter can be calibrated using a Tampon solution.
* ON A PACKET OF BULBS, NETHERLANDS:
Stand six inches apart and make liberal water.
* NOTICE RECEIVED WITH PRODUCT, CHINA:
This is not a toy and should be kept away from children made in China.
* INSTRUCTION MANUAL, FRIDGE, GREECE:
Install the refrigerator at the low humidity and good air flow place.
Connect the power supply plug into an exclusive wall socket. You should insert a plug completely.
After the inside is cold well, store food. It takes approximately 4 hours for being fully cold. It may take a half day if the outside temperature is too hot.
Placing too much food will make the inside of the refrigerator not to be cool enough.
Wrapping food or putting it in the sealed case which it can keep its humidity and fresh.
Egg pocket. It can place eggs also turn the rear side to place the small pocket.
CAUTION:
Do not store bottles in a freezer compartment or a chilled case. It will become the cause of making you injured, if a bottle froze and explode.
Do not eat or drink smelling or color changing food. It might be the cause of sickness.
* MODEL CAR, ITALY:
After applying transfers gently dab them with a damp sloth.
* INSTRUCTIONS WITH POWER PLATE, TAIWAN:
Danger of life in case of non-respecting these advises.
Damages that have been caused by inappropriate treatment, conscious damage, wear or temptations of repairing are not included in the legal warranty period.
Take care that the training room has enough fresh air, but take care because vibration of the air can cause a cold. Please wear comfortable cloth.
Because of the intensive vibrations you have to protect sensitive cloth, for example white socks or shorts, which get in touch with the vibration mat, with a pad or something similar. Because of this reason it is really important to start really slowly with the training and to make brakes between and after the training.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Utterly Lost in Translation by Charlie Croker, Andrew Pinder. Copyright © 2015 Charlie Croker. Excerpted by permission of John Blake Publishing Ltd.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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