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CHAPTER 1
So Many Things We Can't Control
As much as we like to think we are in control, and as much as we try to control things, in truth we really have very little control in many areas of our lives. There are constantly things happening in the world at large — in the economy, in other countries, in politics — that affect our lives but which we cannot control. We have no control over sudden illness or unforeseen accidents. We have no control over what other people do or say. As we learn in twelve-step programs, we can't control another person's drinking or addiction to food or spending. We don't control the weather, we don't control the rising and setting of the sun, we don't control storms or natural disasters, and we don't control the forces of the universe, most of which we're not even aware. We don't control the functioning of many of our internal organs, or the multitude of body processes that happen automatically beneath the level of our consciousness. (In fact, I'm often grateful that I don't have to control those. Imagine having to think about how fast your heart has to beat in order to run a certain distance, or how many digestive enzymes you need to secrete to digest the meal you just ate. That would be totally crazy-making.) So when we think about it, unless we can come to terms with the fact that there is so much we can't control, it could be quite frightening to realize that we go through life having so little control over so many things.
Giving Up Control
Whenever I hear someone say, "I finally decided to give up control," my response is always, "You had it?" In looking at my own life, I've realized that situations that seem to cause me the biggest problems involve circumstances in which I feel I don't have control. Not only that, but in looking more deeply, I've realized that the problem is not so much that I don't have control but that I think I should have control, and I try to get control of things I can't control.
A few years ago, a combination of stressful events and a lifetime of physical tension caused me to lose my voice. Being a composer and a public speaker, my voice is my bread and butter, so naturally I was extremely concerned. In an effort to get my voice back, I took all sorts of lessons and did all sorts of therapies, all to no avail. One day, a brilliant voice therapist pointed out to me that my voice knows how it works and I don't, so I needed to get out of its way and let it correct itself. This seemed scary, since I wasn't "doing" the fixing, but it was only when I dared to let go of my futile efforts to control something I couldn't possibly control that I let the part of me that knows how to control it (my unconscious) take over, and my voice was restored. In effect, rather than having to learn how to speak and sing, I had to forget how to speak and sing so that those parts of me that I could not control could show me. This was being kind to myself. Rather than beating myself up, I let go and connected with the part of me that knew how to solve the problem. It's always there. We just have to let ourselves get out of the way enough to allow it to work.
Guilt and Shame
To me, guilt and shame are the same thing. They are our attempts to have the present be different than it is, or to have the past be different than it was. So many of us waste so much time trying to have had a better childhood. We try to control other people when it is our very own thoughts that are drawing their particular behavior into our lives. Over and over, we find ourselves repeating self-defeating patterns and looking outside ourselves to try to fix something "out there." The only place to ever fix something is inside ourselves. When we can stop trying to control the outside world, we get in touch with the only thing we can control ... our thoughts and our internal reactions. Choosing thoughts of guilt and shame is a way in which we are very unkind to ourselves. We keep ourselves trapped in the idea that we are bad, that we are to blame, and that something could and should have been different. The kind thing to do, as painful as it may be, is to see things as they were and as they are. This is where the healing happens.
A Power Greater Than Ourselves
Admitting we can't control something is often the first step to getting in touch with sources of power and information that are not available to us when we are busy trying to use just what we already know to try and make things turn out the way we want them to, even when that might be impossible. When we can simply admit that we are powerless to control a situation or another person, we open the door to other sources of power. Some might call that power God. Some call it Spirit. Some call it Intuition, Inspiration, or Acceptance. Sayings like "Let Go and Let God" and "It's All Good" often give us a new freedom to relax and open to previously unnoticed or unthought-of sources of solutions and support. Sometimes the support or information we need shows up in the form of other people, or Synchronicities occur that we might not have noticed if we were too busy fighting for control. Every one of these things gives us the chance to possibly see the same situation in a different light. I once had a therapist who said to me, "I could tell you something for years and you wouldn't get it, and one day you're sitting next to someone on the bus and they say the exact same thing to you and suddenly you get it." So perhaps, rather than considering circumstances in which we don't have control to be "bad" things, we can look at them as opportunities to expand our base of power and support in ways we might never have imagined.
We Can Be Kind to Ourselves
Today, rather than fighting or railing against what you can't control, see if you can simply notice it. When something happens and you realize that you are powerless to do anything about it, instead of going into action, try sitting still and being with the fact that you can't control it. Accept it. Allow it to be as it is. And then notice what happens when you do that. Notice if you begin to feel a sense of peace or if you get more anxious. Whatever it is you feel, don't fight it. Just be with it and see where it leads you. Notice if new ideas you never thought of come to mind. Notice if things happen that you didn't expect. Notice if it becomes OK to have things be just the way they are without your having to fight to change them. In being accepting of the way things are and of yourself as you are, you are not only opening the door to expanded possibilities and unthought-of solutions, but you are reducing your stress and frustration levels. In this way, you are being kind to yourself. And being kind to yourself is the first step in being able to be kind to others.
We Can Be Kind in the World
1. The next time someone says something to you that annoys you, rather than retaliating or trying to change or control them, simply listen to them and let them know that you hear them. Watch how the tone of the conversation changes, and how their ability to hear you expands.
2. The next time someone cuts you off on the road, rather than hitting the horn or swearing at them, try doing nothing or even smiling or waving them on. Their uncontrollable action may have escalated your upset. See what happens, both in their reaction and inside of yourself, when you exhibit kindness by not escalating their upset.
3. If you're dealing with an addict or alcoholic who is out of control, it is often important to not respond to them and not help them. This may seem counterintuitive, but it is often the kindest thing you can do in that you are giving them the opportunity to hit bottom and find their own inner strength, which most likely is the only way they can truly heal.
CHAPTER 2
So Many Hurts That Happen Every Day
OK. There are the things I spoke about in the first chapter that come from out of the blue and are unusual, unexpected, and often shocking. But when we look at our lives, there are also definitely a great number of hurts that happen every day: people speaking to us in a harsh tone, disappointments, missing a train or a bus or a plane, being stuck in traffic, someone bumping into you while you're walking in the street, ongoing financial or health problems, being put on hold for a half-hour, a service person or a customer being rude, having a disagreement with your husband, wife, family, or friends, dealing with someone who has a different political position than you do, trying to lose weight, being jealous of someone or angry at them, and so on. The list of things, many of which occur daily, goes on and on. In fact, one of these is the reason I wrote the song "We Can Be Kind" in the first place.
A Small Incident Inspires a Universal Song
There was an annual benefit event in New York City called In Celebration of Life, where composers were paired up with singers. The composers were each asked to write a new song that in some way pertained to healing, and the singers performed these songs in a concert that was given at St. Paul's Cathedral. The AIDS crisis was in full swing, so many of the songs that were written and performed had to do with AIDS. Now if anything qualified as something devastating that could not be controlled, it was AIDS. People across the world were getting sick and dying, and nobody seemed to know anything about how the disease could be cured. In their helplessness, people expressed themselves in whatever ways they could. They talked about it. They sang about it. They raised money for research. What that evening did, alongside so many other performances, research projects, books, speeches, etc., was raise consciousness and open people's minds to the idea that there had to be a cure. By becoming vocal about it, more and more people became open to this idea. The disease was no less terrifying, but these community expressions gave people hope and the sense that they were not alone.
Each year, the concert closed with Nancy LaMott singing a new song I had written for her. This particular year, I asked Nancy what she wanted me to write about, and she said, "I was getting on the bus this morning, and this woman in front of me was so nasty! Could you write a song about how people should be nicer to each other?" And so, out of that little incident, out of one of those "little" hurts that happen every day, I wrote this song which has ended up being sung around the world for all sorts of causes, big and small.
We Can Be Kind to Ourselves
When you notice that something hurtful has happened, see if you can simply register that it has happened and allow yourself to feel however you feel about it. Don't fight it off. Don't try to change it. Often, when hurtful things happen, if we don't try to fight them off or change them, we get to get in touch with painful feelings we've had for a long time which we haven't allowed ourselves to feel and process. This can be, in its own way, very healing. So before you go into action, try being kind to your "Inner Child" by being with it, giving it a chance to feel whatever it feels, and acknowledging that that feeling exists. Kindness is what our Inner Child didn't get in the areas in which it's still in pain. It is you and you alone who can offer this "Inner Child" the kindness it needs to heal.
We Can Be Kind in the World
1. When someone in a store, in a bank, or on the street is nasty to you, see what happens if you are not nasty in return. Try to get past their behavior to see why they might be behaving that way. Are they scared? Are they angry? And then, try to offer them what you think they might need to feel better.
2. You may not be able to prevent people from doing things that hurt you, but you certainly can prevent yourself from doing things that hurt others. The next time you find yourself about to do something that might hurt someone, don't! Be kind instead and watch what happens, to them as well as inside yourself.
3. Before you speak or act in any given situation, stop for a moment and think: "Am I hurting anyone by doing this?" And if you find that the action you're about to take or the words you're about to use would be hurtful to someone, see if you can substitute kind actions or words instead.
CHAPTER 3
So Many Heartaches That Pierce the Soul
Heartaches that pierce the soul. Losing a loved one. Losing a pet. Oh my goodness, is that a tough one for so many people. Having a lifelong dream or an important project fall through. Losing one's home or one's job. Having to take care of an ailing parent day after day, or year after year, knowing that they're failing and feeling helpless to heal them. Seeing people discriminated against. Dealing with someone who has a challenging chronic or terminal illness. Getting a diagnosis. Grappling with depression, anxiety, mental illness, or a serious injury. These are all heartaches that happen to so many of us at different times, and which truly do pierce us, testing our fortitude, hampering our ability to be positive and appreciate life, and challenging our Faith, whatever it may be.
Taking the Risk of Loving after Loss
When Nancy LaMott died, she left behind a four-month-old Himalayan Kitten named Mercer. My partner at the time and I decided to take her in. I had never had a cat, and Mercer was quite an imperious purebred Himalayan. As a friend of mine used to say, "She's a great beauty and she knows it." Mercer lived for almost nineteen years and was a comforting constant through my breakup with my partner and through many highs and lows that occurred during that period. She was always there, and I grew to love her deeply. When I met my current partner a few years later, he wasn't so keen on Mercer, but as the years went by, he too developed a great love for her. And then, as inevitably happens, the heartache that pierced our souls occurred. Mercer passed at a ripe old age. As my partner put it, "I had no idea how much Mercer's presence filled our house. It's only now that she's gone that I realize there was not a moment when I thought about our home during the day when I didn't think about where Mercer was."
I was reluctant to get another cat, but my partner pressed me. After a reasonable mourning period, we stumbled across a breeder who had posted a photograph of the most gorgeous Flame Point Himalayan we had ever seen. We went up to meet the kitty, and she was beautiful beyond our wildest dreams — both in the way she looked and in her temperament. We took her home and named her Shmooshie.
A few days after we got her, we took Shmooshie to the vet and he couldn't believe how gorgeous and loving she was. He examined her, told us everything looked good, and then took her temperature. It was 104.3! Something was very wrong. Things went downhill quickly. It turned out that Shmooshie had a disease called FIP which was almost always fatal. We tried everything, but a month later we had to put this beautiful kitten down. We were heartbroken. I swore that I would never go through this again. My soul was indeed pierced.
My partner, however, really wanted another cat. The breeder still had Shmooshie's brother available and offered to give him to us. He had had him tested and he did not show any signs of the FIP virus. I looked at a picture of the cat and wasn't impressed. In hindsight, there's no way I could have been impressed by any cat, because I was too closed down to even think about having another one.
My partner, however, kept pressing me, so finally I relented, saying, "OK. If you really want a cat, he can be your cat. I doubt that I'll ever bond with him, but if you want him, you can take care of him, be responsible for him, and he'll be your cat." So we went up to take a look at Gabriel. When we arrived in the driveway of the breeder's home, I saw Gabriel through a basement window. He was on a table where the breeder was grooming him. My first thought was, "He's so big!" He was much bigger than Shmooshie. We went down to the basement and sat down at the table where he was being dried from his bath. Gabriel looked at me across the table, wriggled out of the breeder's arms, walked across the table and kissed me on the nose. Well that was it! I was in love, and we took Gabriel home and he proved to be the most loving, deep-as-a-pool spiritual cat I've ever known.
After a while we decided we wanted a companion for Gabriel. Our breeder had a little white kitten who was like a cotton ball. We fell in love with her and brought her home. And within a month, she too was dead from FIP. Anyone who has a beloved pet knows the intense pain of putting down these beautiful, loving beings. And we had done so three times in one year.
We realized that the two cats that had died had both been very young, and in doing research we found out that if FIP is going to strike, it's usually a kitten who succumbs.
Our breeder had another cat who was almost four years old and had had a few litters, but because of her small size finally had to be spayed. Gwendolyn was very skittish and suspicious, as well as being imperious and beautiful as Mercer had been. But when we took her home, we fell in love with her, and more importantly, Gabriel fell in love with her and welcomed her into our home, constantly cleaning her, hanging around with her, and definitely bonding with her.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "We Can Be Kind"
by .
Copyright © 2017 David Friedman.
Excerpted by permission of Mango Media, Inc..
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