Table of Contents
Preface/Intro/I Don't Know What to Call This 1
Part I On Being Human™
I Am the Girl from Your Tampon Commercials 7
White Friend Confessional 17
The Happiest Place on Earth, God Dammit 23
A Time Line of My Online Personas 29
You're from the Midwest?! What's That Like? 41
Mamma Mia 45
Depression Isn't a Competition, but, Like, Why Aren't I Winning? 53
Part II On Being Professional
How to Quit Your Job and Change Your Life 69
Work Orientation for Women 87
College 101 91
How I Take My Coffee 101
Procrastination but Make It Look Put Together 103
My Dog Explains My Weekly Schedule 113
Part III On Being Domestic and Beautiful
Mustache Lady 119
I'm a Guy's Girl 129
National American Miss Pre-teen Wisconsin 133
Hollywood and Media Representation Presents: How Women Age 147
Bath & Body Works Is the Suburban Nonsense I Crave 155
Items of Clothing, Defined 159
Does This Count as Exercise? 165
Part IV On Being Horny and in Love and Sometimes Even Both
All the Things I Thought Sex Was 171
Attention Target Shoppers: This Store Is Now Rife with Sexual Tension 179
How to Date Online 183
Treating Objects like Women 193
A Nice Piece of Satire You Can Take Home to Your Parents 197
I Don't Know How to Be a Bride 201
The Holy Sacrament of Birth Control 209
Part V On Being Human
Learning How to Not Shit Myself 217
Daily Affirmations for My Sister 225
Father Mia 231
Can I Be a Good Girl While Still Getting Fucked Up? 239
Can I Ask This Person About Their Race: A Guide 247
All Rise for the Honorable Mia Mercado 251
Acknowledgments 261
About the Author 263