Welcome to Motherhood, Bitches: The Real Guide to Pregnancy, Birth and Beyond

by Victoria Emes

Overview

The real guide to pregnancy, birth and beyond.

I’m assuming you’ve picked up this book because you’re either curious about having kids, you’re currently up the duff, or you’re stumbling through the early days of parenthood with a mattress-sized sanitary towel between your legs wondering what the hell has just happened. That, or you’re killing time in WHSmith, waiting for your flight to Ibiza. You lucky bastard.

Either way, this book is your pregnancy, birth and postpartum BFF.

Welcome to Motherhood, Bitches is your one-stop, no-filter guide to everything from swollen vulvas and dinner-plate areolas; from shitting in labour to the horror of postpartum haemorrhoids; from mindless sleep deprivation to salvaging a sex life when your pelvic floor has hit the floor. But mainly, it’s a reassuring reminder that feeling slightly (or shockingly) out of control with a newborn baby human is entirely normal…we promise.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780008453558
Publisher:	HarperCollins Publishers
Publication date:	05/10/2022
Pages:	288
Product dimensions:	5.55(w) x 8.74(h) x (d)

About the Author

Victoria Emes is Instagram’s unfiltered mum-hood legend, who accidentally rose to fame during her maternity leave where she began to document the realities of being a mum online. With two small children, Victoria is exceptionally talented at addressing the unaddressed taboos of raising small humans, and does so through brutal honesty and a sharp wit.

Table of Contents

1 Introduction 1

2 Pregnancy 5

There's an alien in my uterus

3 Birth Preparation 33

Getting ready to ruin your vagina

4 Pre-Labour 55

I think a poo might be coming

5 Labour 87

Oh, that poo is a fucking baby!

6 Pushing and Delivery 113

Squeezing a human watermelon out of your hole

7 The Aftermath 131

Don't look down

8 Birth Stories 153

9 Welcome to Babygeddon 163

10 Breastfeeding 193

Attack of the nipple-nibbling piranha

11 Sleep 223

The battle of bedtime

12 Body Confidence 247

Learning to love your digestive biscuit areolas

13 Post-Natal Sex 269

Bracing your blubbery blowhole for impact

14 Loneliness 287

Marooned on the Island of Motherhood

15 Conclusion 307

Acknowledgements 311

Editorial Reviews

‘Nobody – and I mean nobody – has a way with words quite like Victoria. Candid, reassuring and laugh-out-loud hilarious, this book feels like a friend giving a series of pep talks during the hurricane season of pregnancy and new motherhood.’ 
Sarah Turner, The Unmumsy Mum

‘Striding confidently into all the topics the antenatal and baby groups tiptoe around. This gritty, honest, useful and at times, hilarious guide needs to be handed out with pregnancy notes. Victoria is the foul-mouthed, taboo-embracing, funny-anecdote-sharing, wildly-knowledgeable mate I needed through pregnancy and beyond. Laugh, gasp, learn lots and feel shoulder-dropping relief that you’re not alone.
Your parenting bookshelf may be rammed, but nudge them down. Make space for this one, trust me.’
Anna Mathur, psychotherapist and bestselling author

From the Publisher