| Introduction: Put Your Oxygen Mask on First | xii |
| Who Are We? And Why Have We Written This Book? | xv |
Part 1 | Monkey See, Monkey do | 1 |
| Why Are You Reading This Book? | 3 |
Chapter 1 | What's the Problem and Whose Problem Is It? | 5 |
| What's the Problem? | 6 |
| What Is Grief, Anyway? | 7 |
| Obvious and Hidden Losses | 8 |
| Never Compare Losses | 8 |
| Time Doesn't Heal--Actions Do | 9 |
| Normal and Natural | 10 |
| Crisis Behavior | 11 |
| Between the Problem and the Solution: Six Major Myths | 12 |
Chapter 2 | Looking At Myth 1: Don't Feel Bad! | 14 |
| Sweet but Dangerous | 15 |
| Without Sadness, Joy Cannot Exist | 16 |
| We Are Not Exaggerating | 16 |
| Who's Responsible for Feelings? | 21 |
Chapter 3 | Looking at Myth 2: Replace the Loss, Part One | 24 |
| All Relationships are Unique | 26 |
| The Stolen Bicycle | 27 |
| Toys and Dolls--Gone but Not Forgotten | 28 |
| It's Time to Meet Leslie and Learn More about Cherished Possessions | 29 |
| Replace the Loss, Part Two | 31 |
Chapter 4 | Looking at Myth 3: Grieve Alone | 33 |
| Multigenerational Pass-Through | 34 |
| Grieve Alone--A Closer Look | 36 |
| Why Do People Grieve Alone? | 38 |
| Is Alone Ever Okay? | 39 |
| Here's Some Good News: Different Beliefs Produce Better Results For Children | 39 |
| Pause to Reflect and Recap | 40 |
Chapter 5 | Looking at Myth 4: Be Strong | 42 |
| Wait, There's More | 43 |
| Strong or Human, Pick One! | 44 |
Chapter 6 | Looking at Myth 5: Keep Busy | 46 |
| A Dangerous Illusion | 47 |
| The Real Impact of Loss: Keeping Busy and Dwelling on Pain | 48 |
| Dwelling on Pain Is Sometimes the Result of Not Being Heard | 50 |
| Heard at Last | 51 |
Chapter 7 | Looking at Myth 6: Time Heals All Wounds | 54 |
| Corporate Grief and Grief in the Classroom | 55 |
| No Time Zones | 56 |
Part 2 | Moving From Grief to Recovery | 59 |
Chapter 8 | Looking for "The Book" | 61 |
| John's Quest Continues | 64 |
Chapter 9 | What Is Incomplete Grief? | 67 |
| Is Incomplete Grief Only about Bad Things? | 69 |
Chapter 10 | Helping the Helpers | 73 |
| It's Easier to Fill an Empty Cup | 73 |
| Scuba Diving Lessons | 74 |
| The Critical Transition | 75 |
| Boundless Capacity | 77 |
| Delicate Strokes | 78 |
| If Your Kids Are Older, Do Not Despair | 79 |
| Do We Know Enough Yet? | 79 |
Chapter 11 | Short-Term Energy-Relieving Behaviors (S.T.E.R.B.s) | 80 |
| Do You Know Where Your Child's Energy Is? | 82 |
| Short-Term Relief Doesn't Work | 84 |
| Recapping Part Two | 87 |
Part 3 | The Path to Completion | 89 |
| What is Completion? | |
Chapter 12 | The Relationship Review | 91 |
| Relationship Reviews Happen Automatically | 91 |
| Who Goes First? | 92 |
| Pick the Fruit When It's Ripe | 93 |
Chapter 13 | Real-Life Examples | 96 |
| Out of the Mouths of Babes--Good-bye, Mr. Hamster | 96 |
| All Grief Is Experienced at 100 percent | 98 |
| The Death of a Pet | 98 |
| Random Memories | 102 |
Chapter 14 | Helping Your Child Review the Relationship | 103 |
| Sleeping in the Bed, or Not | 105 |
| Minding the Steam Kettle | 106 |
Chapter 15 | The Emotional Energy Checklist | 107 |
| Children and Their Pets: Reviewing Events and Emotions | 107 |
| Emotional Energy Checklist: Death of a Pet | 110 |
Chapter 16 | What to Do with the Review | 113 |
| Converting Emotional Energy Into Recovery Components | 113 |
Chapter 17 | Recovery Components | 116 |
| Apologies First | 116 |
| Apologies to Living People | 116 |
| Apologies to People Who Have Died | 119 |
| Should Parents Ever Apologize? | 119 |
| Time Doesn't Create Completion: Actions Do | 120 |
Chapter 18 | Recovery Components: Forgiveness | 121 |
| Forgiveness Is an Action, Not a Feeling | 123 |
Chapter 19 | Recovery Components: Significant Emotional Statements | 126 |
| Are the Same Things Significant for Everyone? | 127 |
| Some Significant Comments Require Forgiveness | 128 |
| Fond Memories | 128 |
| Recapping This Section | 129 |
Chapter 20 | Death of a Person | 132 |
| Reviewing Relationships with People Who Have Died | 133 |
| The Death of a Grandparent | 134 |
| Uniqueness Is the Real Issue | 135 |
| "Less Than Loved Ones" | 137 |
| Complex Relationships | 137 |
| Emotional Energy Checklist: Grandparent, Relative, or Close Acquaintance | 139 |
| Recapping Part Three--Is It Soup Yet? | 143 |
| Before We Move On, We Honor the Readers | 144 |
Part 4 | Moving from Discovery to Completion | 145 |
Chapter 21 | Continuing Litany vs. Freedom | |
| Carrying the Litany Is a Heavy Load | 147 |
| Exaggerated Memory Pictures | 149 |
| Freedom Feels Better | 150 |
Chapter 22 | Zeroing In on Completion | 151 |
| "Thumper" | 151 |
Chapter 23 | Delivering, Completing, and Saying Good-bye | 160 |
| Leading Up to Jessica's Letter | 161 |
| Jessica's Completion Letter to Thumper | 163 |
| Entirely Different but Exactly the Same | 176 |
Chapter 24 | Very Close to NaNa | 169 |
| Emotional Energy List--Grandparent, Relative, or Close Acquaintance | 176 |
| Chronicling Events that Occur After a Death | 179 |
| Amanda's Completion Letter to NaNa | 181 |
Chapter 25 | One More Letter | 183 |
| Jeffrey's Letter | 184 |
| New Discoveries | 185 |
| What About Jeffrey's Sisters? | 186 |
| Concluding Part Four | 187 |
Part 5 | Other Losses | 189 |
| Focusing on Moving and Divorce | 189 |
Chapter 26 | The First Big Move | 191 |
| Transitional Events | 193 |
Chapter 27 | What Not to Do | 194 |
| Moving | 197 |
Chapter 28 | On Divorce | 199 |
| Leslie Gets the First Word--The Divorce of My Parents | 199 |
Chapter 29 | Bad New--Bad News | 202 |
| Long Term or Sudden Impact | 202 |
| Whose Divorce Is It? | 203 |
| Multiple Losses | 204 |
| Sometimes We Get Lucky | 206 |
| Don't Fix Feelings | 207 |
| Don't Be Fooled--Relief Is Only the Last Feeling | 208 |
| Noble Sentiments, but Hearts Are Still Broken | 209 |
| One Central Issue | 201 |
| Unique Is Still the Bottom Line | 211 |
| Where Is the Focus? | 212 |
| Taking Sides | 213 |
| Children Sometimes Blame Themselves | 214 |
| What Can You Do to Help? | 214 |
| Leslie Gets the Last Word, Too | 215 |
Part 6 | Closing up Shop | 219 |
Chapter 30 | The "D" Word | 221 |
| Illusion of Protection | 222 |
| Solid and Clear Reference Point | 222 |
| Sometimes the World Travels Backward | 223 |
| Talking About Death with Your Child | 224 |
| Curiosity Helps Children Learn | 226 |
Chapter 31 | Euphemisms + Metaphors = Confusion | 230 |
Chapter 32 | Four Weddings and a Funeral? | 234 |
| Forty-five Years Later, but Who's Counting | 237 |
Chapter 33 | Win-Win | 240 |
| Chloe and Carrie Sue and the Real Meaning of Time | 240 |
| Three Generations | 242 |
| Spencer's Accidental Owners | 244 |
| Tuning In to Elizabeth | 247 |
| The Grief Recovery Groupie | 249 |
| Our Completion with You | 252 |
| Questionnaire | 254 |
| Acknowledgments | 261 |