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CHAPTER 1
Your Network is Your Net Worth
It's frequently said that it's not what you know, it's who you know. I've found that to be true more often than not. Many times, when you see someone with a truly "dream job"— part of their journey involved an opportunity that became available because of someone in their network. We all know networking is important, but I'm here to tell you that there's more than one way to do it — and to give and receive the type of networking help we all so desperately need.
My husband, Dave, tells an amazing story about a plane ride he once had that changed his life. He sat down next to someone and talked for hours — that person turned out to be Senator Frank Lautenberg. The senator became a powerful and influential member of Dave's network.
Usually when I travel, I tend to react a bit differently. Whereas Dave had no qualms approaching Senator Lautenberg and chatting away, I tend to be worried about disturbing someone's private time.
That was certainly my first instinct when I spotted Meredith Vieira in LaGuardia Airport. She was sitting with her husband, Richard, and wearing no makeup. I had long idolized Meredith, particularly for how she navigated her career while caring for her husband with multiple sclerosis. The thought of approaching her in an airport seemed way too intimidating ... and so I bided my time, staring at her instead for a good, awkward twenty minutes.
When we boarded the same plane, I decided to embrace my inner Dave but in my own Carrie style. I wrote her a note on a napkin and had the attendant pass it up to first class from my lowly coach seat. In it, I talked about my mom and her own struggles with MS. I told her what a champion I thought she was for those of us caring for people with MS and included my email in case she decided she did want to strike up a conversation.
Moments later, I received a response.
Hi, Carrie! Thank you for your very sweet note ... but my husband is the real champion. He sets the tone in our family and is a constant inspiration ... when he's not a pain in the ass! I hope your Mom is doing ok. We all know what a bear of a disease MS can be. I wish you the very best. You sound like a wonderful daughter.
Warm Regards, Meredith
I was in! Without disturbing Meredith too much, I was able to start an email rapport that we've continued over time. I made sure to stay in touch often, but not obsessively, opting to nurture the relationship without disturbing her privacy and always offering to add value to her life, never expecting anything of her.
Remember that when reaching out to someone at a very high level, you want to establish a sincere personal connection and accept that it may or may not work out. By expecting nothing in return, you avoid disappointment and often end up being pleasantly surprised.
Another huge celebrity #girlcrush that I had was Sheryl Sandberg — and this was way before Lean In. I have followed Sheryl since her days at Google. In 2012, I was heading out to Palo Alto for a client meeting. Palo Alto is home to several tech behemoths, including Facebook — where Sheryl is now the chief operating officer. Every time I heard Sheryl speak — whether in the media or at a conference, I was blown away, and I became fixated on getting a meeting with her while I was in town. I took a chance and sent an unsolicited email to Sheryl with the following subject: "Nothing ventured, Nothing gained."
So, I have about thirty seconds to get your attention before you click delete. Here goes nothin'.
– You know my husband, Dave Kerpen, with whom I co-founded Likeable Media. He's very close friends with Randi, and Ed Zuckerberg is on our Advisory Board.
– I have tried to emulate you in my own speeches about women, families and entrepreneurship. I know you asked for mentor stories on your Facebook page, I've included mine here.
– I am at the Facebook offices on Wednesday 3/28 with my client Medtronic, and I would do absolutely ANYTHING to get to say hello to you.
That's all I've got. Let me know if you're in town, and if nothing else, I hope you know how profoundly you have affected my life and the lives of other women who are in our space. Thank you.
Time passed, and so did my Medtronic meeting. Although I was disappointed, I've trained myself to keep my expectations low around these things — I figured she was just busy and that our paths would cross eventually. One day, this popped up in my inbox:
Carrie – What a lovely email. Thank you — means a lot to me. Do you live in the Bay area? – Sheryl
OMG OMG OMG. I was officially freaking out. There's only one issue: I'm never in the Bay Area. I meet with Facebook at their offices in New York, so I have no need to be there. Suddenly, I find myself telling her that I am in the Bay Area all the time. We set a date to meet and off I flew.
I waited in the Facebook office lobby for hours as Sheryl got delayed by far more important meetings than one with a young woman who she thought was in the area all the time. The next day, I was scheduled to be class parent at my daughter's school, so when Sheryl asked to push to the next day, I had to respect the boundaries I set for myself as a parent. (Some things trump even the intense desire to meet with one of your idols.)
I flew home, defeated and too embarrassed to let Sheryl know that I flew out just for her.
I knew that even with the smallest "in," it was important to keep up the connection. After all, fostering relationships turns acquaintances into longerlasting connections. I made sure to continue our rapport for many years after that. She sent me a personalized, autographed copy of Lean In and asked what I thought. I sent her updates on Likeable's progress as an agency, and work we did for nonprofits with Facebook that was particularly noteworthy. And when her husband died unexpectedly and tragically, I reached out with a card and flowers.
When it came time to write my own book, I looked back at the original email I sent her. "Nothing ventured, nothing gained." I decided to reach out to Sheryl, on that old email chain, and tell her about that day in Facebook's lobby — and to reveal my embarrassment. Here a snippet of what I wrote:
In 2012, I emailed you to meet and you were gracious enough to give me time on your calendar when I said I was in Menlo Park often. The truth was, I had no plans to be in Menlo Park at that time, but the idea of even 15 minutes with you was worth the trip. I flew out, and got there, and was in the office waiting, when you understandably got delayed until later that day. I had a flight booked, and had to get home for my babies. I left without ever getting to chat with you. I still think about that trip often, and despite my disappointment at the time, I would make that trip again in a heartbeat for a chance to talk to you in person.
I asked if she'd be willing to be interviewed for my upcoming book. She wrote back within minutes. Her exclusive interview for this book can be found in the "Make Lemonade" section.
This was one of my better examples of activating a powerful person in my network — I expected very little, I made sure to nurture the relationship and follow up, and I looked to add value to Sheryl's life and work wherever I could.
Today, everyone, even your biggest celebrity girl crush, is accessible in some way — really, many of them are just one tweet away. If it's possible to get in touch with women at that level, imagine how easy it can be to build a network of women around you already who can help you move forward in your own career.
How to Network for Non-Networkers
While I was comfortable networking in a more subtle way, many women fear networking in any capacity at all.
Anya Hoffman, currently the Senior Editor at Epicurious, recalls when she left her prior job in publishing to pursue her passion for journalism as a freelance writer. As a freelance writer, you have to pitch your pieces to editors, and when Anya was starting out, she had no idea how it worked. She also had an almost paralyzing fear of networking. Unlike fulltime employment — when you're freelancing, you really need to land your own writing gigs — without a strong ability to network — you're destined for failure.
Anya's first step in overcoming her fear was to sign up for a large networking group of freelance writers, in the hopes that she could learn from her peers. Members of the networking group recommended that she take the second step — getting formally educated about freelancing. Anya began taking a few courses in freelance journalism — to really learn how the whole thing worked. There she befriended one of the teachers, a freelance writer for The New York Times Magazine and GQ. The teacher explained to Anya that it wasn't enough simply to join networks and hope contacts would come your way; she needed to actually reach out to members of the network to get anywhere.
Anya made a list of everyone she was remotely connected to in publishing, and she forced herself to email them all and ask to get together for coffee. Some of her contacts were intimidating, and she only really knew them peripherally — like one of the head editors at New York magazine. "I absolutely had to force myself to do this."
The networking paid off. First, she was able to sell a story to Marie Claire. Then, one of her teachers pinged her regarding a story about cricket flour– based protein bars. The teacher didn't have the time to write the piece, so she mentioned it to Anya. Remember that head editor at New York magazine who Anya was so reluctant to ask for coffee? Well Anya wrote the story, sent it, and ended up getting a clip on New York magazine's Web site — a highly coveted piece for her portfolio.
Anya continued to build up her clips, and she also expanded her network by joining Facebook groups, including secret groups set up for female journalists and some specifically for food writers. The comradery actually felt like she was in an office environment: "It was like having work friends who kept each other accountable."
One day, the editor of Travel + Leisure posted in the group. Anya looked her up and saw she was a fellow Wesleyan alum. Now with a bit more networking experience under her belt, it was a bit easier to reach out. She ended up hiring Anya for a regular freelance job at Travel + Leisure, where their relationship continued to grow over time. When the editor eventually left Travel + Leisure, and Anya's gig was up, she recommended that Anya contact her husband, who is the executive director of Epicurious. That's how Anya landed at the job she has currently.
"I can say with certainty if I didn't push myself to network, none of this would have happened," Anya notes, and she's right. It's infinitely easier to get the job you want when you have put in the work to make those kinds of personal connections. It's just up to you to make them happen.
Make Connecting with Others an Ongoing Priority
As Anya discovered, networking is a skill, and it takes time and practice to get good at it. No one knows this better than Sandy Carter, an industry veteran who has been in the tech world for decades.
Sandy, has the perfect blend of big business and startup experience, leading the startup division of a major Fortune 500 tech company. Sandy is also a founding board member of WITI (Women in Technology International). The global networking group helps female entrepreneurs break through the barriers that hinder their success, helping them build connections and identify opportunities for growth.
Sandy believes that everything in life — not just entrepreneurship — boils down to who you know and how they can help you get to the next level. It's all about relationships.
How do we form better relationships? Sandy's major tip: Don't view networking as a nice-to-have — view it as part of the job.
The big aha moment came when one of her mentors asked her, "Why do I see you running down to the cafeteria, grabbing lunch, and racing back to your office?" When Sandy responded that she simply had too much work to do to spend time having lunch with her coworkers, her mentor advised: "The next time you're down in the cafeteria, just take a look who's sitting down there."
When she did, she saw that they were mostly men — all having lunch with their colleagues and building important relationships that were helping them move up in their careers. And there Sandy was, "working my booty off back upstairs," ignoring the networking part of the job and essentially getting nowhere.
That's when Sandy had an epiphany. "Networking shouldn't be something you do when you have extra time. It's something you have to prioritize."
Don't Just Facebook or FaceTime, Get Together Face-to-Face
Even if you're focusing on following Sandy's advice and not eating alone at your desk, so much of networking today takes place online. But while most of our interactions with others seem to be virtual these days, nothing can replace the genuine authenticity of a face-to-face connection. And nobody understands that better than Erica Keswin.
From the time she was very young, Erica loved connecting people. So it was no surprise when she became an executive recruiter at the prestigious search firm Russell Reynolds, and also had a little side hustle where she constantly set up friends on dates. She's a natural matchmaker in every sense.
Because Erica spent most of her career making in-person connections, something big was lit within her when she decided to go see Sherry Turkle speak about her new book Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less from Each Other. After the lecture, Erica approached Sherry and asked if she needed help on the research she was doing around the impact of technology on connection and culture in the workplace. How was technology affecting watercooler conversations? Networking with peers? Communication with your boss? Erica was ready to find out how to reclaim conversation and connection in the professional world, and Sherry was ready to partner with her and let her try to figure it out. A partnership was born.
Erica got to work — and in her research uncovered a study on firemen conducted by a professor at Cornell University. The study showed that firemen who eat meals together are better at their jobs. It turns out, eating together allowed for more conversation, which led to stronger connections, which led to greater team performance. Suddenly, Erica knew exactly what she had to do to bring back connections in the workplace.
Erica followed her passion, and in 2016, she devoted her time to sharing the science and stories of human connections with global brands, communities, teams, and individuals. Inspired by the research, Erica has made it her business to help people honor relationships. And as a hats-off to the firemen and their go-to firehouse meal, she calls her work the Spaghetti Project.
"When left to our own devices — literally and figuratively — we just aren't connecting," says Erica. We're forgetting how to look each other in the eye and have a real, genuine conversation, which is a critical skill in the workplace, in relationships, and in life in general.
Erica's suggestion for those of us who are still stuck on networking digitally? Dedicate two hours — just two hours in your week — to connecting with people offline. Have coffee, have a chat, go back to the watercooler. You'll be amazed how much more connected your network actually becomes — your relationships will be stronger, as will your communication skills.
Make Yourself Memorable
While Erica discovered the importance of connecting face-to-face, Deena Baikowitz was busy making sure that the next generation was armed with the tools to do so.
When Deena walks in the room, you know who she is immediately. Standing just 4 feet 6¾ inches tall, with curly red hair and freckles, she is immediately recognizable. Even though that benefits her today, it was those very aspects of her look that caused her a great deal of insecurity in high school. As the founder and CEO of the Fireball Network, a training and coaching group dedicated to helping their clients be better networkers, she likes to joke, "Before I was a fireball, I was a frizzball." Rather than let her frizzy, fiery red hair get the best of her, Deena decided to own it and turn it into an asset that would highlight her core strengths, which are connecting people and building brands. She started the Fireball Network, based on her unmissable hair color, and she and her brand quickly became unforgettable. It also taught her the first lesson about networking and brand building: Be memorable. That, Deena cautions, is more than being just about your look. "It's about being able to talk about what you do in a way that's different," she says. "I can't tell you how many times I've met people at networking events who say things like, 'Hi, I'm Lisa. I'm a lawyer,' when in fact they are the top business development lawyer at one of the country's largest firms. Or, 'Hi, I'm Joanie, I'm an architect.' That's forgettable. But 'Hi, I'm Joanie, I designed that building down the road over there' is not. So much of networking is dependent on you versus other people. When you think about how to present yourself in an interesting way, you become memorable. When you follow up, you won't be forgotten in a sea of business cards."
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Work It"
by .
Copyright © 2017 Carrie Kerpen.
Excerpted by permission of Penguin Random House.
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