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CHAPTER 1

Even if You Were Perfect, Someone Would Crucify You

You've faced it. If you have one of those Twitters or Facebooks, you've faced it. If you are reading this in the future, and Twitter and Facebook don't exist, you've still faced it. Whenever you future people picked out your first hover board or flying car, you faced it. If you own 1.21 gigawatts and use it to go back in time and have a copy of this book, you faced it on your MySpace page. If you are a pastor or a teacher, you've faced it. If you've ever cooked a meal for anyone other than yourself, you've faced it. If you've tried a new haircut, gone to public school, had a kid, visited a place where there is a different accent, worn a fanny pack, or shown someone your high school yearbook, then you've faced it. At some point in life, everyone has faced negative comments from people. When negativity hits you, it hurts like a mother.

The inspiration for this book came from a very hurtful place. I had preached a sermon on relationships, and someone didn't like it. In fact, this someone didn't like it so much he/she decided to write me an anonymous letter. I should have known that it was trouble, but I was actually excited to receive a real life letter. People don't write those any more. I mean it takes time to use ancient things such as pen and paper. Oh, and to send it, you need a stamp, so it costs something.

It didn't dawn on me that such glorious attention could be filled with negativity until I was well into the first paragraph. The letter was dripping with crazy. It said things about being thankful our local news media wasn't there to get coverage of the talk. The local media was never at our church. I don't know where the writer came up with that one. The person wrote that he could tell that everyone around him hated the talk as much as he did. It was four pages of abuse, but I couldn't stop reading it.

It didn't matter that I had received close to twenty emails from people telling me that God spoke to them. It didn't matter that my wife, parents, and church staff liked the talk. It didn't matter that I did my best, or that I said what I thought God was leading me to say. All that mattered was that some anonymous stranger didn't like my message. His insults consumed me.

On the fourth reading, I sensed a still small voice say to me, "Even if you preached a perfect sermon, someone would crucify it." I immediately balled up the letter and threw it away. I was allowing someone I didn't know to define me. I was allowing someone who didn't have the guts to confront me, to change the entire outcome of what had been a great day.

The truth is, it wasn't a perfect sermon. I'm not perfect. The truth is, even if it was the perfect sermon, someone would have found something wrong with it. The truth is, I was living to please people. What I learned is an ancient truth expressed well by John Lundgate, a fourteenth century monk. "You can please some of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, but you can never please all of the people all of the time." I can't please all people all the time, so I should instead live to please God.

This is my story. I'm a recovering people pleaser. One of my greatest addictions in life is having people say nice things about me. I love it. However, when something doesn't go my way, it brutally destroys my self worth. I'm thankful that God spoke louder than the voice in that anonymous letter.

A New Perspective

Since I heard that voice about crucifying sermons, I've adapted that phrase to multiple areas of my life. Even if you were perfect, someone would crucify you. This phrase helps me not to be defined by the opinions of others.

The only perfect person who ever lived is Jesus. He was without sin. Yet, humans found a way to have him brutally punished by one of the severest death penalties a government has ever issued. Man-kind crucified a perfect Savior, and we've been verbally crucifying people ever since. Whether it's crucifying ourselves because we don't live up to the way other people might see us, or it's having our hard work crucified because someone doesn't like it, we face verbal crucifixions on a regular basis. At the end of the day, we must conclude that we can't please all people all of the time.

We can only live our lives in a way that pleases God. Rick Warren once tweeted, "Even God can't please everyone. Only fools try to do what God can't." Ouch.

This book is for my fellow people pleasers. Maybe that's not you. If not, then please pass this book to someone who struggles with the pressure to please others. I wish that I didn't care so much about people's opinions. I wish I could be that guy who goes to the grocery store wearing a high school t-shirt, sweatpants, and a fanny pack. You know who I'm talking about? There seems to be one in every city. That joker doesn't care what others think. I am not that joker. I care. I also don't own a fanny pack.

This book isn't a self help book. It's about finding identity in Jesus. When we see ourselves as God sees us, we realize the truth: On our good days, we aren't as great as we think we are, and on our bad days, we aren't as pathetic. We are each in need of a Savior, redemption, and grace. This is my story, and I hope that through it you will be empowered to deflect verbal crucifixions. I hope that through this book you will find freedom in knowing: Even if you were perfect,someone would crucify you.

Identity Theft

I have a friend that I will call Ryan. I will call him Ryan because that's his name. Well, Ryan calls me one day in a panic. Someone had stolen Ryan's identity. We were supposed to hang out that night, but he didn't expect such a crisis. It was a mess. He was stressed like a new dad in a delivery room. His life was forever changed because someone had stolen his identity. I asked Ryan what this thief bought with the stolen identity. I expected to hear a long list of items like a new car, a cruise, gold plated Spanx, a unicorn, and a lifetime supply of Chick-fil-A. Mmmm ...Chick-fil-A! My expectations were destroyed when Ryan tells me that this thief purchased a credit score report and twelve of his fifteen dollars from an iTunes gift card. DO WHAT?! I couldn't help but laugh. Ryan was worked up over a credit score and a few bucks on iTunes. I'm not even sure that was identity theft. I think it was identity confusion. Someone had to have made a mistake. I mean, if you are going to steal someone's identity, you better at least do a shopping spree at Wal-Mart. Why risk jail time for a credit report?

My laughter didn't help Ryan. He felt violated. Still to this day, he brings up this incident as if he was seriously victimized. I guess, in a sense, he was. Someone bought something under Ryan's name, but I still think it's funny.

The Bible says, "You were bought at a price; do not become slaves of human beings" (1 Corinthians 7:23). Now, it's clear from the context that the author was talking about physical slavery. In America, slavery is no longer acceptable, but that doesn't mean that people are truly free. I think that this verse can apply to stolen identity.

I counseled someone once who was going through a really difficult time. She had recently been divorced, but that wasn't what was rocking her world. Her former spouse was saying incredibly hurtful things to her. He was saying that he had already found someone who met his needs more than she did. He knew exactly what to say to destroy her, and it was hitting her like a cannon ball. The kicker was that she was lonely and was actually considering going back to him. I asked her what her identity was found in. She looked at me as if I asked her if she prefers Vulcans or Romulans from Star Trek. She was dazed and confused by my question. I asked her again, and she stumbled through her answer. After she answered, I told her why I asked. Here was a guy who abused her their entire marriage. To make matters worse, he would verbally abuse her and use the Bible to justify his actions. She finally got the guts to leave him, and now she was actually thinking about going back to him. On a side note, I do think that God's ultimate plan would be for this couple to get back together, but not until he repents and truly changes. Staying in an abusive relationship is not healthy. God hates divorce, but that doesn't mean that you can't get out of harm's way while praying that God truly changes your spouse. I digress. This woman couldn't sleep at night because her former husband said incredibly hurtful things to her. She was already in counseling, but nothing was helping her. I told her that I thought her identity was her ex-husband. When our identity is wrapped up in someone else, we can't function normally. This woman was actually thinking about going back to the abuse, just so her ex wouldn't be with another woman. She was a slave to his opinions of her. His opinion of her mattered more than her physical well being. It even mattered more than her kids. She was going to bring her kids back to him, even though he didn't have custody and was pure evil to them. The problem is her identity wasn't his to abuse. She was bought at a price, by Jesus.

The truth is, no matter how good you are, someone will make fun of you. No matter how hard you try, someone won't like you. Even if you were perfect ...

Question time! Whose opinion matters more to you than it should? For example, if this person doesn't give you the reaction that you want, it wrecks you. Who has power to ruin your day with words? What do you do to seek validation? Why can't you forgive someone who hurt you?

Maybe I'm alone in this people pleasing thing, but if you know the answers to some of these questions then you may be a victim of identity theft. The Bible says, "Am I now trying to win the approval of people or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be Christ's servant" (Galatians 1:10).

Let that verse sink in. We can't be Christ's servants when we are slaves to other people's opinions.

A Servant of Christ

Here are some signs of a stolen identity:

• You don't spend time reading the Bible because you don't have time. It's crazy that you make time for other things, but won't make time for Jesus. This is an issue of stolen identity. We prioritize what's important to us.

• Your personality changes, depending on who you are hanging out with.

• Your insecurities are magnified around certain people.

• Nobody knows the real you.

• You make decisions based solely on the opinions of others. For example, you can't leave the house without make-up because people would see the real you.

• You don't spend significant time praying or even thinking about God. Instead, you spend significant time thinking about the opinions of others.

• You can't confess your sins to others because you are afraid you will be judged.

• You allow jealousy to ruin relationships. You can't truly be happy for others because you wish their good was happening to you.

• You can't say, "No."

• You feel the pressure to lie about things like your age, weight, or the college you went to because you want to impress people.

• You buy things that you cannot afford because it makes you feel worthy.

If one or more of those is true of you then you are a victim of stolen identity. Because we can't please everyone, we have two options. We can continue fighting furiously to win people over, or we can find our identity in Jesus. He bought us at a price. He died for us. We belong to God! So it's time to stop allowing others to steal our identity. It's time to find our identity in Jesus. The question is, how do we do that?

It Starts with God

In middle school, I discovered insecurity. Or, maybe, it discovered me. I am not only a people pleaser, I am also all about words of affirmation. In middle school, there aren't a lot of words of affirmation being thrown at you. There are, however, group showers after PE class. The only reason I survived is because I refused to take a shower. That's right. I stank! I changed clothes by myself in the handicap stall. Thank God for handicap stalls. They are much larger and come with hooks on the doors for clothes. I'm kind of a germaphobe, so the hooks were crucial. I believe that there's a reason why private parts are called private, and I plan on keeping it that way. I sprayed on extra deodorant and then added some Old Spice cologne to cover my stank. Yes I wrote stank. It's worse than stink. I'm sure nobody could tell. I would convince myself of this when our class received the hygiene speech from one of our teachers. Lucky for me no one ever called me out. I wasn't called out because no one noticed. I would get in and get out of that stall like a ninja on fire. It was fast and furious.

My insecurity continued strong through high school. The problem was that I overvalued some people's opinions. I would be shy around people that I thought were cool but more confident around those that ...well ...weren't a threat to my security. At school, I was a shy, reserved teenager. At the exact same time, I was in a band, led a sixth grade Sunday school class, and was full of life at my church youth group.

Many people think that shyness is a result of being introverted. It can be, but it's not always the case. An introvert receives energy from alone time. An extrovert receives energy from being around people. Shyness is different because it's lacking confidence to be yourself around others. Shyness is a type of fear that paralyzes us from being our true selves. We become afraid of what others will say about us, so our best defense is to say nothing.

How do I know this? I know this because there are some people who slap me silly with shyness. This is why for years I thrived working with teenagers. For some reason, I had confidence working with teens at my church. They liked me. I could be silly and be myself. However, when I was around a peer I thought was cool, I became camouflaged. In other words, I would pick a wall and lean on it — hoping that I wouldn't have to speak. If I didn't talk, then I couldn't say something stupid. My insecurity generated my shyness.

My favorite band of all time is dc Talk. You may not have heard of them, but they were HUGE when I was in high school. The day before my senior year of high school, a friend and I drove three hours to see them in concert. We got to the show early and just happened to see their sound check. It was an outdoor concert, so even though they didn't let us in the venue, we could watch them from the other side of a fence. They finished their sound check, and something happened to make me giddier than a woman at Target. The band members of dc Talk started walking towards me. It was glorious. My buddy and I had rehearsed what we would say to them if we got a chance to talk to them. When my favorite member of the band, Tobymac, came walking towards me, I froze in fear. I became incredibly shy. I couldn't think of my questions. Toby walks past me, and I see that I'm about to lose my chance to talk with him. I finally get the confidence to blurt something out. It was one of those times when I wish I could have pulled the words back as they left my mouth. I yelled at Tobymac, "REMEMBER ME!" I honestly don't know if it was a statement or a question. I had met him one time before when I was in fifth grade but, let's be honest, he wasn't going to remember that. I also like the idea of him remembering me in the future but, let's be honest, I don't want him remembering this encounter. It was so embarrassing. He smiled, politely, and then hustled on like he was escaping a stalker. Why couldn't I have just been myself? It is moments like that, and many others, that made my true self hide inside and not want to come out and play. Still to this day, if I meet someone I highly appreciate, I have to pray and ask God to help me be myself. I could be shy and not say something stupid, but then I miss meeting someone new. I would rather be myself. I would rather be myself and not blurt out stupid things.

A Power Struggle

"It is not on what we spend the greatest amount of time that molds us the most, but whatever exerts the most power over us" O.Chambers.

What exerts the most power over you? Answering that question is important if you want to find your identity. Think about what consumes your thoughts. Is it money? Is it pleasure? Is it something that you don't have? Is it sports? Is it the weekend? Is it other people? Is it Jesus?

My identity has a foundation. It starts with Jesus. From there, I have other things that are a part of my identity, but it's impossible to separate who I am from Jesus. I am a HUGE Lakers fan. I love movies! I'm a proud dad to Reese and Hayden. I passionately love my wife. I eat Chipotle once a week because it's amazing. In fact, I believe that Chipotle has healing powers. I once came home from a trip to Mexico and had the worst rumbly in my tumbly. It was brutal. Nothing could fix it. Nothing, except Chipotle. I ate a Chipotle burrito and then returned to my regularly scheduled bowel movements. I digress.

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Excerpted from "Even If You Were Perfect, Someone Would Crucify You"
by .
Copyright © 2014 Rob Shepherd.
Excerpted by permission of Morgan James Publishing.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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