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CHAPTER 1

THE HABIT AT THE HEART OF YOUR CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE: FORGIVENESS

Adam and Eve sinned and placed a wall between all mankind and God. Forgiveness of sins was the only way to break down the barrier between God and mankind. Again and again, the essential importance of forgiveness is mentioned throughout the Old and New Testaments. The entire substance of the Christian faith is forgiveness. Hence, Christianity may appropriately be called the good news of forgiveness.

Just as forgiveness is at the center of Christianity, forgiveness is at the heart of a happy marriage. The Bible has nearly 125 references to the importance of forgiveness for interpersonal relationships. The entire substance of the Christian faith is forgiveness, and likewise the "glue" for every marriage is apologizing and forgiving. A satisfying marriage contains two spouses with humility and courage because it is humbling to apologize and takes courage to forgive. Hurts or sins occur within every Christian marriage. When spouses have the momentous goal to apologize and forgive one another for marital hurts or sins, these two actions will significantly increase the probabilities for a gratifying Christian relationship.

No marriage is perfect because married life is a combination of Christlike actions coupled with sinful words and behaviors. Like all couples, you will not always have ideal communication, agreeably resolve all your disagreements, and be on the same emotional wavelength. At times, heartache and heartburn happen within every healthy relationship. Whenever you experience a hurt or disappointment, you probably have some degree of resentment or ill will. Over time, such bitterness can build an emotional wall in your marriage. The only avenue for resolving any marital frustration is forgiveness.

One of the main contributors to divorce is an absence of willingness to apologize to one another and forgive each other. The apostle Paul encourages every spouse: "Be kind and helpful to one another, tenderhearted [compassionate, understanding], forgiving one another [readily and freely], just as God in Christ also forgave you" (Ephesians 4:32 amp). Hence, this chapter focuses not only on specific godly behaviors, but it also provides an essential understanding of the apologizing and forgiving process. Without forgiveness, it is almost impossible to have a satisfying long-term relationship.

1. UNDERSTAND WHY FORGIVENESS IS THE "GLUE"

On a human level, the central tenet of the Christian faith is interpersonal restoration through forgiveness. Jesus said, "But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins" (Matthew 6:15 nlt). Even while being crucified on a cross, Jesus said, "Father, forgive them" (Luke 23:34 niv). Forgiveness is always beneficial because it alone can repair relationships — with God, others, and your spouse. Forgiveness is a lifelong essential ingredient for maintaining a gratifying marriage. Forgiveness of sins is truly the greatest blessing for every couple.

If a marriage is broken, only forgiveness can glue the relationship back together. Without forgiveness, you and your spouse will build an ever-growing wall between the two of you. I use three analogies to help couples understand the damage done by unforgiven wrongs, as well as the benefits associated with healing those wounds.

First, think of marital harmony like a lush fairway on a golf course. Apologizing and forgiving is like replacing a divot after a golf shot in the fairway. While playing golf, whenever a divot is made, the polite action is to either replace the divot or place sand with grass seed in the divot. If divots are not repaired, the golf course will turn into all dirt and no one will want to play on that course. However, when divots are repaired, the golf course remains green and lush and is an attractive place to enjoy friendship and God's creation.

Likewise, just dealing with day-to-day life issues, every so often, marital divots will unfortunately occur. When you do not replace your divots by apologizing and forgiving, the likelihood of a satisfying marriage is diminished because your "marriage golf course" will become more and more barren.

For a second analogy, think about what it would be like to try to wallpaper a room that's filled with steam — certainly an impossible task. You can try to wallpaper that room until Jesus returns, but the walls will be so damp and moist that the wallpaper will never stick and it will keep sliding down. You will need to open the door and let the steam out of the room, so the walls can dry. Then, you can beautify the room with wallpaper.

Similarly, if your heart or your spouse's heart is filled with the steam of bitterness and resentment, you can demonstrate all the nice actions in the world, but you will be unable to beautify your marital hearts because of the negative steam. Apologizing and forgiving one another allows the steam of bitterness to leave your heart. Healthy words and actions now have the opportunity to beautify your relationship once again.

Let's look at the third example. Let's say that tonight you have spaghetti for supper and you do not wash your plates but instead set them on the kitchen counter. Tomorrow night, you have barbecued chicken. You eat off those same two dirty plates and once again do not wash them. Then, the next night you eat chicken fried steak with cream gravy on those dirty plates, and once again you do not wash them and return the plates to the kitchen counter. By repeatedly eating off dirty plates, eventually with the bacteria buildup, you will contract food poisoning.

A poisoned relationship is what happens when unforgiven wrongs exist in your marriage. Relational bruises and emotional injuries will create "dirty plates." Yet, apologizing and forgiving washes your dirty plates to prevent the poisoning. By eating off clean plates each day, you take no chances with hurting your relationship.

If your marriage has numerous unrepaired divots, hearts filled with the steam of resentment, and dirty plates, your relationship will probably be stressed and tense. I hope these mental pictures will help you understand why apologizing and forgiving are the glue for every healthy relationship. Definitely, apologizing and forgiving are always the first steps in restoring a broken marriage.

2. REPENTANCE, NOT JUST REGRET

Only repentance will benefit your marriage, never just regret. I define regret as merely a whimsical wish, but not a strong commitment for changing unhealthy words or behaviors. Regret is basically more of a feeling or just verbal expression of a hopeful change. Examples of regret are: "I wish I would stop being unfaithful"; "I wish I could stop calling my spouse names"; "I wish I would control my compulsive spending habits"; "I wish I would cease my controlling ways"; etc. Simply, regret is a meaningless repent because the offense is going to be repeated. If either of you believe regret is sufficient, that will be poisonous for your marriage.

On the other hand, repentance is a strong desire for a behavioral improvement, an absolute 180-degree turnaround in a positive direction for a godly change of action and attitude. In Ezekiel 18, God tells us to "repent and live." Likewise, a marriage will not have life without repentance. Repentance is a clear commitment to never again demonstrate the unhealthy words or behaviors that damaged your relationship. Without repentance, it is almost impossible to restore your relationship because only through continual improvements with wholesome words and behaviors can you have a rewarding relationship.

Repentance is comprised of three parts: emotional,mental, and behavioral. Emotionally, the offending spouse feels remorse, sorrow, and sadness resulting from the pain caused by their wound. Repentance is simply heartfelt sorrow for a marital injury. Mentally, an offending spouse makes a cognitive decision, a sincere change of mind, to never commit that wrong again. Although repentance begins in the heart, it is a mental decision to return once again to godly living. Behaviorally, with God's help the offending spouse makes an honest effort to never do that wrong another time. So, a repentant spouse has such sorrow that there is a new determination with a promise to never allow that marital wound to ever happen again.

An example of regret is a wife I counseled who had experienced physical abuse for years from her husband. Often in abusive relationships, the mistreatment escalates over the years from verbal and emotional abuse to physical abuse. In her initial appointment, she reported physical injuries that placed her in the emergency room. Similar to previous abusive episodes, her husband expressed regret over his actions and even told her, "I hope you do not upset me again because I don't want to hit you." Yes, like too many abusers, he did not accept responsibility for his damaging actions.

I encouraged the wife to forgive her husband but not return home until she was confident that he was absolutely repentant and not just regretful. She agreed with me on forgiving him but did not agree with my idea of confirming his repentance. In less than a month, he sent her to the emergency room, but this time the injuries were so severe she spent several days in the hospital.

Again, I stressed the importance of forgiving her husband. I also pleaded with her to take their children and live with her parents until she was absolutely confident that her husband would seek professional help. I never mentioned the word divorce but only stressed safety for her and their children. I advised that unless he learned cognitive and behavioral coping skills for effectively handling his damaging words and behaviors, further verbal and physical abuse would not only occur, but probably escalate. She not only did not agree with me but went back home with her husband and ceased to attend future counseling sessions. I never heard if her injuries continued, but I pray that she learned the difference between regret and repentance. Understanding the importance of repentance is absolutely essential with abuse because harmful words and behaviors are never condoned by God or a healthy spouse.

In addition, understand there is a window of time associated with repentance versus regret. In other words, there needs to be a period of time where the offense is not committed again. For example, if you call your spouse a harmful name today, then in a positive manner immediately apologize, seek forgiveness, and your spouse forgives you, such wholesome apologizing and forgiving would normally restore your marital connection. However, if tomorrow and nearly every day thereafter, you continue calling your spouse toxic names — that is only regret. Even if you apologize and seek forgiveness, such ongoing horrible name-calling really defines regretful behavior and not genuine repentance.

On the other hand, when you are repentant, there is a lengthy space of time between offenses. Perhaps both of you will define that window of time differently. Hence, if you call your spouse a harmful name today, then repent, apologize, seek forgiveness, and are forgiven by your spouse, hopefully at a minimum, that toxic name-calling will not occur for several months or even longer. However, with serious offenses like adultery or physical abuse, there is no window of time because an absolute change of ways must occur so that those destructive behaviors NEVER happen again for your entire marriage.

Repentance, a change of ways in a godly direction, is what leads to restoration of your relationship. Without genuine repentance for every marital offense, a relationship will probably never be satisfying. A significant goal for each of you is a strong desire for repentance for your harmful words and behaviors.

3. UNDERSTAND WHY FORGIVENESS IS SO DIFFICULT

Forgiveness is extremely difficult for all of us. Forgiveness required atonement for sin, the sacrifice of God's only Son, Jesus Christ. John 3:16 states, "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life" (niv). Our heavenly Father lovingly sent His only begotten Son to pay the price for the sins of the world on that rugged cross. If forgiveness required the ultimate sacrifice from God, His only Son, will forgiveness ever be an easy step for you?

No one is born with the talent of forgiveness because, sadly, an unforgiving spirit is actually part of our humanity. Hence, almost every spouse needs pragmatic direction on how to apologize and forgive. And acquiring the skill of forgiveness can only be learned through repetition. Since forgiveness is an unknown competency and unquestionably the most difficult action in the universe, it is no wonder that most marriages lack apologizing and forgiving skills. So why do we battle with the most significant component for a rich, rewarding marriage? Due to a number of reasons, apologizing and forgiving are significant challenges for most spouses.

Pride is usually at the inner fight with possessing a forgiving spirit. Proverbs 11:2 states, "When pride comes [boiling up with an arrogant attitude of self-importance], then come dishonor and shame, but with the humble [the teachable who have been chiseled by trial and who have learned to walk humbly with God] there is wisdom and soundness of mind" (amp). "Knowledge makes people arrogant, but love builds them up" (1 Corinthians 8:1 gw). I believe that a prideful spirit is at the core of all sins. The sin of pride is an inward focus on self and a refusal to submit to God's ways. Proverbs 13:10 declares, "Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice" (niv). Pride produces disharmony as Romans 12:16 declares, "Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited" (niv).

When pride makes apologizing difficult, a spouse has a superior attitude, and that self-righteousness blocks both an apologizing and forgiving spirit. Thus, a prideful spouse does not view the other partner as equal, and rarely if ever, does a prideful spouse believe their partner deserves an apology or forgiveness. Pride often is manipulative, as even the thoughts behind a forgiving spirit could be motivated by self-centeredness. Proverbs 16:18 warns, "Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall" (amp), and that "fall" is many times into the abyss of unhappiness or even divorce.

Like most beliefs and behaviors, example is both the greatest teacher and the only teacher. Hence, more things are caught than taught. Did you observe your parents, stepparents, or even grandparents apologizing and forgiving one another? After asking that question of thousands of spouses, I estimate that less than 2 percent of spouses responded "yes." So unfortunately, you may struggle because like most individuals you never learned as a child how to apologize and forgive.

Another contributing factor is low self-esteem. If you lack self-confidence, apologizing will be a challenge, because you may feel like a defect for even making a mistake and needing to apologize. Or when your spouse apologizes and you forgive them, due to low self-worth you may feel like your spouse is the superior partner. Yet, when you regularly apologize or forgive, you can actually enhance your self-esteem.

At times, you may resist forgiving because you possess the same shortcoming within yourself. For example, if your spouse apologizes for being impatient, your hesitation to forgive may come from your own personal impatience. And by withholding forgiveness, you are trumpeting to your spouse your own inner shortcoming of impatience.

Retaliation and revenge are never workable solutions for a satisfying marriage. It really makes no difference why forgiveness is problematic. Ultimately, just understanding the aforementioned obstacles associated with forgiveness may provide you with insights into the challenge. When either of you makes a mistake, you need to apologize in writing or verbally within twenty-four hours. And whenever your spouse apologizes, you need to forgive in order to heal your relationship and restore your oneness. Without forgiveness, it is nearly impossible to have personal happiness, and that usually results in relationship unhappiness as well.

4. SPONGES AND TEFLON

Please understand that frequently a difference exists between men and women when it comes to forgiveness. Books have been written about the gender differences between men and women. On the whole, men and women will view hurts and disappointments in contrasting ways. Generally speaking, a majority of women are feelers while most men are thinkers.

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Excerpted from "Simple Habits for Marital Happiness"
by .
Copyright © 2019 Randall Schroeder.
Excerpted by permission of CrossLink Publishing.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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