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CHAPTER 1

Prior to Death

Regrets: Could've ... Should've ... Would've ...

It's a human trait always to seek reasons to rationalize or justify our behavior. If we can determine why we acted in a certain way, why we responded to a situation in a particular manner, we somehow feel better about ourselves and our abilities to make decisions and to behave responsibly. But when self-doubt creeps into our thought processes, we become uncomfortable. We become vulnerable to making critical errors in judgment and this diminishes us in our own eyes. This type of thinking, particularly in situations when our loved ones are terminally ill, is both useless and dangerous because it is self-defeating, and because it does not allow us to be fully present with them and comfort them.

The three most destructive terms that can be uttered by family members when trying to come to grips with the reality that their loved one is about to die are: could've, should've, and would've.

"If only we had gone to a fourth doctor for another opinion, the results could've been different ... We should've listened to our friends who were in a similar situation and had experience with this condition ... Had we only taken the advice of people who suggested alternative medicine, the outcome unquestionably would've been different."

Each of these responses engenders pangs of doubt, frustration and guilt in family members, does nothing to help them through this critical emotional phase, and prevents them from helping their dying loved one find comfort.

Why Has God Forsaken Me?

There are other emotions many people experience when grappling with the reality of imminent death. Conflicted feelings about God play a key role. Though many families face a fearful diagnosis with great faith, the emotional wear and tear of watching their loved one losing her or his battle for life can erode trust in Divine wisdom. If only we could understand why God, who is described as kind, compassionate and merciful, is acting toward our loved one and us in a way that is so hurtful. Some people assume they must have committed some wrong to deserve such punishment, and long to know what it was. We feel that if only we could comprehend His ways, perhaps our feelings of frustration, vulnerability âˆ' and yes, even anger toward Him âˆ' might be eased. But in the final analysis, we are finite and God is infinite; we are mortal and God is immortal. Only He knows what is best for our loved one and for us. Ultimately, we must have faith and trust that His actions, though not always understandable or desirable to us, are for the best; that, despite the outcome, God has not, and will not, abandon us.

Rather than dwell on self-destructive thoughts, guilt, and doubt, it is far better to concentrate on caring tenderly for our dying loved one who is still able to hear our voices and feel the warmth and love of our touch, though her or his life is ebbing.

The Pre-Mourning Period

For most people anxiously preparing for the death of a loved one, the process of mourning actually begins long before the death occurs. Try as they may to prepare themselves for the final and irrevocable reality that death will overtake life, it is almost impossible to do so. Nevertheless, there are ways to help the family ease their inescapable pain prior to and during the final moments of their loved one's life.

Human beings have been created with five sensory perceptions. It is believed that four of these – sight, smell, taste and touch – begin to diminish as one draws closer to death. The last one – hearing – is, according to most scientific evidence, the final one to be lost. Consequently, it provides a special opportunity for family and friends to express their final goodbyes in a very meaningful and heartfelt way.

Recognizing that the terminal person, despite outward physical appearances, can and does hear sounds and voices, allows for very intimate and personal closures. Even if a patient is in a medically comatose state and apparently oblivious to her or his surroundings, it is believed that hearing ability still remains intact.

It is during these final moments that loved ones should communicate their heartfelt feelings. Intimacy is important. One should touch the person, hold her hand, stroke his arm, kiss her forehead. Talk to him. Tell her how much you love her. Let him know that although he will be missed, you and everyone else will be okay.

Bless him with a safe journey to a place where he will finally be at peace ... comfortable and without pain, without worry ... greeted by those who passed away before him and are waiting to welcome him into their warm and loving midst.

It is customary, in the presence of a terminally ill or dying person, to recite a confessional prayer known in Hebrew as Viduy. Although tradition suggests that the dying person himself recite this confession, when the person is unable to because of his physical condition, then someone else, a family member or close friend, may do so instead.

This prayer is not intended to seal the fate of the individual as irrevocable. Rather, it is meant to underscore God's role in this world and His ability to change the course of nature if He so desires.

My God and God of my ancestors, to You I turn at this moment of despair. I acknowledge that the gift of life is in Your hands. And though I earnestly pray for healing, I know that I am but mortal. Dear God, if in Your wisdom my life must soon come to an end, let me die, I pray, in peace. I confess that in my lifetime I have transgressed with sins and errors in judgment. But I also ask that You remember the good that I have done. May these acts of goodness, dear God, give meaning to my life. May You, o Lord, forgive my transgressions so that in death I am granted atonement and purity. I pray, God of mercy, that as now I forgive all who have wronged me that they, in turn, grant me forgiveness as well.

Guardian of the bereaved, please protect my family and loved ones from excessive hurt and sorrow. Let them know that we will always be united, for our souls are surely entwined in eternal and mutual love. Shelter me, dear God, under Your protective wings as I place my soul into Your hands.

"The Lord gives and the Lord takes away; may God's name be praised forever." Amen.

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Hashem natan v'Hashem lakach, yehi shem Hashem m'vorach me'atah v'ad olahm.

At the Moment of Death

The death of the elderly, or someone who has lived a full and meaningful life, is undoubtedly a sad occurrence. But the physical and emotional effect it engenders for the survivors is usually much less traumatic than the sudden and unexpected death of an infant, someone who was murdered, killed in an accident, or committed suicide.

Death from old age is part of the realistic cycle of life. By contrast, tragic deaths are unexpected and therefore usually create a dramatic behavioral response which manifests itself in many different ways. This response is called "shock syndrome." Shock is actually the body's way of protecting itself from the horrors of the moment.

Certain responses, such as screaming, rage, anger and hysteria are "action-based." They allow the individuals affected to respond by verbally and/or physically reacting. In some hospitals, usually adjacent to the emergency room where deaths often occur, there is a designated "screaming room." This room is constructed with padded walls that absorb sound and allow the individuals a solitary space where their emotions can be unleashed without embarrassment or disturbing others who may be in close proximity.

There is another type of common response which I would classify as "passive." No immediate actions are demonstrated. Generally, no outward rage or hysteria is displayed. Interestingly, this reaction does not necessarily begin to manifest itself at the moment the news of the death is announced. It is a response that is slow-growing but constant. It often begins at the first sign of the patient's illness, and continues throughout treatment. Even at the moment of death, and at times for months following the death, this emotion remains. It is the powerful and destructive state of denial. The inability to face reality, regardless of the circumstances, weakens an individual's capability to focus on positive solutions that will ultimately benefit the patient.

A brief scenario illustrating this state of denial:

A wife returns from a routine mammogram and reports to her husband her concern that the doctor has detected a suspicious growth.

"Don't worry; it's probably nothing," is his response.

Subsequently, a biopsy reveals a cancerous tumor. "It's probably a false positive, a mistake. You look healthy."

Two doctors recommend a radical mastectomy to be followed by chemotherapy and radiation. The husband responds, "Let's get a third opinion."

"I'm afraid I am going to die without treatment," the wife tells him.

"Let's pray; God will help."

After months of delaying and postponing treatment, the cancer metastasizes and the patient succumbs. Her death was not due to poor medical treatment, but to denial – a passive emotional response to shock syndrome. The husband and those who supported his denial, out of compassion, no doubt, will have to face how their decisions affected the situation.

Even when a patient and family members ostensibly accept a dreaded diagnosis and cooperate with treatment, denial can still furnish unrealistic hope that there will be a recovery against all odds. No matter how dire the patient's condition, the individual in denial will not be able to imagine that ultimate separation will occur. The idea of being parted forever is too frightening and the individual will mentally fight the notion, wholeheartedly believing that it will never happen. When the death of the loved one occurs, family members are truly caught off-guard and are unable to process the fact. Acceptance and grieving are delayed.

Whether the reaction was active or passive, at the moment of death there is little one can do immediately to soothe the mourners. Spoken words of consolation at this time are usually meaningless, mostly platitudes and refrains to calm the speaker more than they help the mourner.

Before the Shiva Begins

Judaism requires burial as soon as possible after death. This mandate creates a relatively short period of time between the death of an individual and the actual burial. During this time, as a sign of respect and reverence, the body of the deceased should not be left alone. In Orthodox Judaism, there are usually volunteers or relatives who remain with the body constantly. They are called shomrim, or watchmen. Throughout their period of watching, they may recite the chapters of Tehillim, the biblical book of 150 Psalms, to ensure that the body is blessed and protected by God. Depending upon the religious observance and desires of the family, the body of the deceased is cared for. Often it is ritually washed and cleansed and finally dressed in a white linen shroud prior to being placed in a simple pine coffin.

Death makes no distinction between rich and poor, famous or unknown. The simple linen shrouds are a symbol of the equality of all mankind as every person passes from this world into another life. The pine boxes in which traditional Jewish families bury their loved ones are used so that the remains of the deceased return to the earth from which they originated as quickly as possible. This is in accordance with the biblical verse, "Man originates from dust and he shall return to the dust from which he came." (Genesis 3:14)

During this time, the relatives have not yet become official mourners and therefore are not bound by the specific laws pertaining to those who mourn. They are in limbo – a sort of holding pattern, a state between the memories of the deceased as he was in life and the acceptance of the new reality of his death. This in-between stage is called in Hebrew aninut and describes the unique time frame from a person's death until the actual burial. The individual mourner at this point in time is called an onen.

In accordance with traditional Jewish law, an onen is exempt (prohibited, in fact) from performing all of the positive mitzvot (commandments). As such, an onen does not pray, does not recite blessings of thankfulness to God, and a male onen does not put on tefillin (used in prayer). There are different opinions as to why the onen is exempt from performing any positive commandments. Judaism posits the following rule: "If a person is involved with performing a mitzvah, he is not required to start another mitzvah until the first act is completed." In years gone by, when an individual passed away, it was the remaining family members who took charge and became involved in all of the particulars and preparations of the burial process. Since they were involved in one mitzvah, the burial preparations, they were exempt from any other commandments.

In today's world, the family's participation in all of the preparations has become drastically diminished. Their role has been taken over by the burial society and the funeral parlor. The family's role has been reduced to notifying people about the time and place of the funeral service and placing an ad in the obituary columns of the local press. Consequently, the rationale for not performing a second mitzvah while involved with a first mitzvah is not as applicable anymore. Yet, an onen is still exempt from these mitzvot, and there are some excellent reasons why.

Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik, who passed away in 1993, was considered one of the twentieth century's most brilliant and erudite Bible and Talmudic scholars. Rabbi Soloveitchik, who was also educated in philosophy, psychology, science and literature, served for more than four decades at Yeshiva University's Rabbi Isaac Elchanan Theological Seminary, the largest Orthodox rabbinical seminary in the USA. In discussing the concept of onen and the prohibition of partaking in formal rituals that might require the recitation of a blessing, Rabbi Soloveitchik suggested an approach that was different from the one mentioned above.

Rabbi Soloveitchik posited that the onen should not perform any of the mitzvot, even if not involved in the preparations and the details of the funeral. His reasoning was simple and psychologically sound. When the death of a loved one occurs, sometimes unexpectedly, sometimes tragically, a flood of emotions such as shock, grief and denial overwhelm the mourner. But there is often even a more powerful emotion that fills the mourner âˆ' and that is anger. Anger at the event, anger at oneself for not having been able to prevent it from occurring, anger at the deceased for having died, thereby leaving the mourner alone, frightened, unprotected, vulnerable, scared. But most importantly, there is often anger at God for having allowed the death to occur and having caused so much sadness and grief. Yes, anger at God Almighty, the kind, merciful and compassionate God, who has forsaken us at this critical time.

With this emotion stirring up such feelings of remorse and anger at God, how can one possibly perform even the simplest of acts or recite benedictions that begin with words of thanks and praise to this same God?

Therefore a note of caution to friends and family of the onen is in order: There is a great temptation to visit and offer words of comfort to the mourner in her or his home before the funeral. While laudable, I believe this assumption is both incorrect and improper. According to traditional Jewish law, only when one is an official mourner – after the burial – should words of consolation be offered. Jewish law reflects deep insight into human psychology. The mandate not to console the onen is based on the fact that expressions of solace to those who have yet to bury a loved one – "while the dead is still in his presence" – are actually counterproductive. Rather than console and comfort, the well-intentioned words often stir up feelings of annoyance, even anger. People need private time to reflect, to think, to plan. They need space to gather their thoughts and emotions. The onen, while needing the wordless, moral support of a loving family, at this time needs to be alone with his thoughts. How disrespectful and insensitive it is to our feelings when someone intrudes on our private world at this difficult time. Their words do not bring us comfort, but only add to our sadness. Their platitudes fall on deaf ears.

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Excerpted from "From Mourning to Morning"
by .
Copyright © 2018 Rabbi Simeon Schreiber.
Excerpted by permission of Urim Publications.
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