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CHAPTER 1
What's Wrong? Why Won't My Child Behave?
Over the years I have worked with hundreds of exasperated parents who struggle with children who will not behave. They all share five things:
1. They did not set out to raise a stubbornly disobedient or obnoxious child, and they don't know what's wrong.
2. They are consistently inconsistent — trapped in a loop of trial-and-error attempts to get their children to stop behaving badly and do what they are told without endless arguing and nagging.
3. They simultaneously feel like failures and victims when they see other children who are pleasant and well behaved.
4. They are extremely disheartened because they have tried everything they can think of to get their child to behave, with little or no success.
5. They have come to believe that the cause of their child's misbehavior is deep- seated and complicated, and that it will take a near miracle to make things better.
When desperate parents ask me, "Why won't my child behave?" I tell them, "Several things may be contributing to your child's noncompliance and misbehavior. It is likely that you have a 'difficult temperament' child. Each of us has a temperament (disposition, character, spirit) that is present from birth and is strongly influenced by genetics. As we grow our temperaments are shaped by our environments and experiences, and they also affect the way we relate to others and they relate to us."
Very early in life, children with difficult temperaments show signs of future distress. They may exhibit irregular patterns of sleeping, eating, or elimination. Many are hard-to-manage infants who are colicky, irritable, and not easily calmed. Children with difficult temperaments may have trouble adjusting to changes (e.g., new foods, people around them, places, or schedules). If overstimulated they may put on loud displays of resistance and are sometimes aggressive. Oftentimes they have high activity levels, are fidgety, restless, and "into everything." Many highly sensitive children are easily bothered by itchy fabrics, bright lights, loud music, alarm clocks, or school bells. Some of these children struggle with sensory integration deficits and may benefit from occupational therapy. Some have trouble with structure and routine, seeming to prefer it when things don't go according to plan. Whether they are basically oversensitive or have sensory integration problems, it is easy to see how this temperamental style can wreak havoc with classroom expectations and family routines.
Being easily bothered can also be related to high levels of distractibility. Highly distractible children notice and pay attention to nearly everything going on around them and within themselves (ideas, fantasies, hunger, and so on). Inadequate persistence is another common trait of difficult-temperament children, which typically causes problems at home and at school — they become disproportionately irritated or annoyed when things don't go smoothly, or when they are interrupted. Although all children present a variety of emotional reactions, these children are inclined to be negative more often than not. Typically they are "hot reactors" whose intense emotional responses often exhaust their parents and teachers. Observers of these children describe them as demanding, pushy, oppositional, and capable of flying sky-high into explosive tantrums with little provocation.
Knowing whether or not your child has a difficult temperament is not meant to label any child in a negative way and set them up for a self-fulfilling prophecy. Rather, the purpose of identifying temperamental traits in children is twofold: (a) to stop blaming the child for something that is inborn, and (b) to help parents get a better idea of how to raise their children successfully. Experts in child behavior have identified the temperamental traits listed in the chart on page 17 as "difficult." You can use this chart to get a rough idea of how easy or difficult it may be to raise your child. Think in terms of your child's developmental history overall, recalling how he or she was as an infant and during early childhood as well as now.
Of course, there are many combinations of these temperamental styles and they may be expressed in varying degrees from mild to moderate to extreme. Yet even children with extremely difficult temperaments can be helped to manage their temperamental tendencies in ways that are more effective and acceptable. Difficult- temperament children are hard to understand and manage because their temperament influences how everyone relates to them. When their inborn tendencies and behavioral habits collide with family, peer, or school expectations, watch out! Some useful tips on managing problematic temperament types are included in Appendix A, page 181.
Understanding a child's temperament and accepting the fact that the difficult- temperament styles listed are largely inborn helps parents get out of the blame game, past the all the "whys," and onto how to fix what needs fixing, with parenting strategies that really work. Any fix is not the right fix. A bad-fit response to a difficult-temperament child is like pouring gas on a fire. That is why it is so important to fully understand the effect of what you say, do, and don't do in response to your child, because your choices will either make things better or worse.
If you are fed up like so many of the parents who come to see me as a last-ditch effort, and if like them you feel like you have already tried everything, it may seem nearly impossible to get your hopes up about changing your child's behavior. The truth of the matter is that at this point you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. We already know if you keep doing what you're doing, you will certainly keep getting what you're getting. So, try very hard to imagine what it will feel like when you know exactly when to ignore what your child is doing, what to do, what to say, and why you should do it that way. Needless to say, this does not mean that your child's naturally difficult temperament will disappear. It does mean that your response to unwanted behaviors can and will make a real and positive difference.
Bearing that in mind, picture yourself as calm, intelligent, and sure when your child totally ignores your instructions or flies into a kicking, screaming rage, thrashing about like cars in the smash-up derby. See yourself as a confident parent who knows precisely how to react. Then, create an image of your child calming down and learning to obey you, and following the rules. This is the vision to hang on to over the coming weeks. This image has become reality for the vast majority of parents I have worked with who held out little or no hope that their child would ever behave. By following the plan for a few weeks these parents were overjoyed to see their dreams of a peaceful and happier family come true. If they could do it, so can you.
Fitting Temperament with Parenting Style
Child development researchers have examined various qualities most parents would like to see in their children, such as independence, self-reliance, curiosity, friendliness, self-control, and a desire to achieve. These researchers have also interviewed parents in an effort to determine parenting styles, and were especially interested in finding out which parenting characteristics contributed to the development of the desired qualities in children. Evaluating parenting style revolves around two key elements: parental response (including characteristics such as the parent's degree of warmth, acceptance, and supportiveness, and involvement), and parental control (including such things as a parent's willingness to set and maintain rules, confronting children when they misbehave, fairness, and tolerance). Based on the researchers' investigations of how parents used their authority, four fundamental parenting styles emerged:
1. Balanced: High Love/High Limits — These parents operate on basic principles of democracy. Democratic equality takes into account each family member's personal worth, value, and dignity. Equality does not mean equally in charge or imply equal votes for parents and children. Parents retain veto power over decisions that affect their children and the wellbeing of the family. Their children know they are loved and that their parents expect them to follow certain standards and do their fair share. Parents who balance love and limits respond affectionately to their children and set firm and clearcut rules that build trust as well as good behavior. They are respectfully and calmly assertive. They do not argue, shame, nag, cajole, threaten, hit, yell, or tolerate bad behavior. They use more effective parenting methods that are firm and supportive versus punitive, and offer their children reasonable, progressive challenges while permitting them to develop at their own pace. These evenhanded parents model social responsibility, self-regulation, and cooperation, and show by their decisions and actions the difference between right and wrong. Balanced parents recognize that consequences and occasional frustrations are reasonable and normal experiences for their children. Their underlying objective is to encourage their children to develop independence and responsibility. The purpose of any disciplinary action is to guide and teach, not to punish or control. They help their children learn to be selfreliant and to solve problems.
Children of parents who balance love and limits typically feel secure and accepted. They experience an emerging sense of strength as they conquer difficulties and find satisfaction in both achievement and contribution, and they learn to accept responsibility. They make wise choices, cope with setbacks, monitor themselves, and make changes for the better, and are better equipped to succeed in a workforce that relies on cooperative problem-solving. They are usually friendly, cooperative, confident, and not afraid to try new things or take reasonable risks. They can be flexible, adaptable, and sensitive to the wishes and needs of others. Just as their parents presented a model of balance, when these children grow up they will be able to balance external demands for conformity with their needs for individuality and independence.
2. Indulgent: High Love/Low Limits — These parents make very few demands on their children because they fear confrontations and may also believe rules, structure, and behavioral expectations may stifle their child's creativity or "natural self." They often think that love and limit-setting are incompatible. Consequently, these permissive parents spend a lot of time with the child communicating, negotiating, and reasoning, and trying to make their child feel special. They are warm, accepting, and encouraging and do indeed provide their children with much love, but they are also at risk of becoming enmeshed with them. These parents tolerate bad behavior or dismiss it as innocuous, they rarely take a stand that will make their child unhappy, and often overprotect their child from any type of criticism.
Researchers have found that children of permissive parents have poor self- control, are impulsive, immature, and do not take responsibility for their own choices and actions. These children often suffer from self-esteem taken too far and see themselves as entitled to whatever they want and at liberty to do whatever they please. Although these children usually have adequate social skills and lower levels of depression, they are more likely to perform poorly in their academic work and to develop problems such as self-centeredness, arguing with teachers, truancy, shoplifting, and disrespect for rules and authority.
3. Punitive: Low Love/High Limits — These parents are strict, often rigid, and demand unquestioning obedience because they consider it a virtue. They rely on punishment as their primary way of making their children submit to their directives. There is little give-and-take between parent and child. These parents consider limits to be more important than love, and they confuse healthy discipline with punishment. They use external discipline tactics and are swift to respond harshly to any sign of disrespect.
It appears as though harsh punishment is effective because when the external threat or force is great enough the child may indeed obey. However, when the threat or force is removed, these children revolt and act out in an effort to pay back their parents for being punished. Worse yet, they often fail to develop any internal sense of right and wrong. Children of harsh, punitive parents are also quick to react and be intolerant of others. Most of them do not feel close to their parents, and many of them fear their parents. They become followers who rarely take the initiative, lack adequate social skills, are not very eager to learn new things, and are low in creative spontaneity. Although many of these children perform adequately in school, they tend to be uninterested and under-involved, have low self-esteem, and have higher levels of depression.
4. Uninvolved: Low Love/Low Limits — These parents demand little from their children and pay little positive attention to them. They also seldom respond to their children with warmth, affection, or acceptance, and primarily keep their distance and remain on the periphery of their child's life. They show little interest in their children and often treat them as if they are a bother, encouraging them to watch TV, to go outside, or to occupy themselves in their rooms because the parents are "busy." Some of these parents are so tied up in their careers or other activities that there is virtually no time left over for parental involvement. Detached parents overlook opportunities to guide their child and shape their behavior. When they do try to discipline their children they often get caught up in vicious power struggles that end either in them giving up and giving in, or becoming abusive. In the worst cases their children are frequently rejected or seriously neglected. In many respects these children are left to raise themselves without proper guidance and supervision. These children generally have the most difficulties as they grow up and perform the most poorly in all domains.
The Dr. J Way parenting method advocates the first of these four styles — Balanced: High Love/High Limits — because it has been shown to be the best choice overall for raising healthy, competent, responsible young people, which is the primary job of every parent. While changing the way you've been doing things may be challenging, all the steps will be laid out plainly and you will ultimately realize that the method is not complicated and can be incorporated into any family situation.
As we go forward, keep these things in mind: Temperament may be built in, but it is not your child's destiny carved in stone. A good fit between parenting and childhood learning experiences can do a lot to influence behavior and encourage responsibility. Parents who are tuned in to their child's temperamental style and also recognize that their child has particular strengths are far better prepared to help their children grow up well. Once parents understand what makes their child tick and apply a consistent, research-based, brain-based behavior plan such as this one, even high-strung children can learn how to modulate their responses and find new ways to manage themselves so things at home and school are less troublesome. You can rely on this plan to work where others have not because it is founded on a combination of child brain development and proven behavior management strategies.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "The Brat Stops Here!"
by .
Copyright © 2006 Mary-Elaine Jacobsen, Psy.D..
Excerpted by permission of St. Martin's Press.
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