Read an Excerpt
Kim grew up in a small city
in Wisconsin. She is in her mid-40s
and she works in the field of education.
Kim experienced a number of conflicts and a feeling of not being accepted
as she explored ways to fit into a Jewish family and community. It has been difficult for her to find a
comfortable level of participation in a religion that is not her own.
Kim (to be followed by her
husband, Jeff)
When I
was a child my parents would have described us as Protestant although we changed
around quite a bit. My parents are
very liberal. I think they had
trouble with organized religion.
They both cast off Christianity fairly easily as adults, but when we were
kids they still wanted us to have some religious participation.
The churches I remember
going to with my parents were Presbyterian. I absolutely hated going to Sunday
school, and I never felt like I was very much connected to Christianity at
all. Religion was sort of a
non-issue for me.
Growing up, I really didn't
know any Jewish people at all. Then
I went to do an internship during college, in Washington, D.C. There were people from all over the
country. My roommate was Jewish,
from New Jersey, and she was really a character. Also, there were a lot of Jewish people
in the building. I learned
something about Judaism and being Jewish by osmosis.
I met Jeff when I came to
Chicago for graduate school. He was
working at the Peace Corps, and I was working in a woman's organization. I didn't meet many men, and I was kind
of concerned about that. I was in
my mid-twenties. I wanted to get
married some day and have kids.
Jeff and I started dating, and we became good friends and just kind of
took things slowly.
Religion was not an issue
for us. Jeff was not particularly
hooked in to any Jewish community or culture. He didn't go to temple. He wasn't a very Jewish person. And by the time I met him I was really
non-religious, so I honestly didn't think it could be a problem at all. It was, however, an issue with his
family, which I didn't find out about until later. I would say I was very naïve about what
it really meant to marry someone who was Jewish. I don't think I thought it could make
that much difference.
I'll give you an example of
what happened. Jeff's parents live
in New
York. When I first went to meet them, they
were living in a community that was 99.9% Jewish. First of all, I didn't know this. I
didn't realize that so many people in the community were Jewish, and I really
didn't know that much about Jewish culture. All I can say is that it felt like I was
walking into a Woody Allen movie. It was all these intense people with strong
New
York accents. I know it sounds very stereotypical, but
that's how it was. It was funny in
a way. It was exotic to
me.
This was fairly early on in
our relationship. We might have
been living together by then. And
Jeff was bringing me home to meet his parents. He had really not dated a lot of women,
so I think it was a big deal for his parents that he was bringing someone
home. Of course, I never thought at
all about what they must have been feeling because I wasn't
Jewish.
But when I got there,
everyone was very nice. We had a
big meal, and his whole family was there.
I'm sure they were all there because they wanted to see whom Jeff was
dating finally. We were sitting at
the table. Everyone was eating
except his mother, who of course was running around in the kitchen. She never sits at the table. So there is this crowded table with this
big family. All of a sudden,
there's a moment of complete silence.
Then his older brother says, "Well, at least she's not Black." And then they all laughed
uproariously.
Since then, I've come to
know this family. I don't think the
brother who made that remark is really a racist, and I don't think he was trying
to hurt me. He is just a funny,
irreverent person. Anyhow, Jeff is
laughing. Everyone's laughing. Of course, I've never forgotten this
because it was really quite a moment.
And I'm thinking, "Should I laugh, am I being insulted here, what is
this?"
The flip side of it is that
my parents simply thought it was interesting that I was dating someone
Jewish. They certainly didn't
mind. It was shocking to me that it
was such a much different thing for his family. After that dinner was when I started to
realize that this really was a big issue and that Jeff's parents were going to
care.