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563 Stupid Things People Do to Mess Up Their Lives
By Larry Samuel St. Martin's Press
Copyright © 2000 Larry Samuel
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4299-5448-8
CHAPTER 1
Stupid Achievements
How does one measure achievement when it is such a deeply personal concept? One way is to determine whether that which you hope to achieve is truly worth pursuing or is instead one of your patented exercises in stupidity. We all want recognition and praise for our actions, but if not careful we end up exposing ourselves to physical harm or what's worse, scorn and derision from our closest friends and loved ones. Here are some examples of achievements that Dr. Larry considers to fall on the decidedly stupid end of the stupidity scale.
Achieve nirvana.
You've realized a state of pure and absolute blessedness, ecstasy, and bliss. Now what?
Appear on cable-access television.
You must have a particularly stupid personal agenda if cable access is the only media vehicle that will have you. Channeling Mother Earth at 3 A.M. on channel 76b is not something you should be proud of.
Be featured on America's Most Wanted.
I would not consider being featured on this particular show a personal victory, despite the accepted tenet that any publicity is good publicity.
Bend spoons with your mind.
You can barely bend spoons with your hands, and you want to bend them with that head of cauliflower you call a brain? Do not attempt mind over matter when matter is clearly superior to your mind.
Burp at will.
Doing one thing and doing it very well is wise in most cases, but this is not one of them. This might have curried you favor as a youngster but will fail to win over many new acquaintances as an adult.
Have an all-you-can-eat buffet named after you.
While you should be proud of this at some level, your primary takeaway should be that you are consuming more food than most Third World countries.
Have your fifteen minutes of fame.
Knowing it will not be at the Oscars but rather on your front lawn, where you are engaged in some sort of drunken domestic dispute.
Invent the cotton gin.
Been there, done that.
Join the Flying Wallendas.
Even the Wallendas probably wish they had a different last name so they wouldn't have to fall hundreds of feet to their premature deaths.
Make the "10 Most Wanted" list.
Your glee from being named best among your peers will instantly disappear when you realize you can't buy stamps or mail letters at the post office.
Predict the future.
If you could really do this, I trust you'd be spending your time in a much more constructive way than you are right now.
Reach a higher level of consciousness.
Put your quest for enlightenment on hold and just try not to lock yourself out of the house once a month or have to call the bank repeatedly because you forgot your ATM number.
Ride a unicycle.
Ooh! Look at me, everyone! I'm riding a bicycle with only one tire! Big whoop.
Run a marathon.
A classic case of doing something just to prove to yourself and others that you can do it regardless of how stupid it is. Choosing to undergo pain for 26.2 miles should be considered grounds for undergoing a CAT scan.
See someone's aura.
If you truly have the ability to see someone's aura or field of energy, why do you go out with such losers?
CHAPTER 2
Stupid Activities
You're always on the go, your social calendar is filled, and you don't have time to catch your breath. So why do you feel that you're spinning your wheels, spending your precious time doing trivial, meaningless things? Because you've got the cognitive skills of a paramecium and wouldn't recognize common sense if it was a neon sign on your forehead. To help you distinguish what is a worthwhile activity and what is a misguided, lame act of ignorance, here are some key acts of stupidity to try to avoid.
Attend a poetry slam.
The only thing more depressing than writing bad poetry is listening to someone else's.
Dance the macarena.
You looked stupid doing the macarena when it was briefly popular, and you'll look exponentially stupider now.
Do performance art.
Performance art is what artist wanna-bes do if they have no real talent. Stop thinking your body is an instrument of creativity and pick up a paintbrush for everyone's sake.
Drum with the fellas.
There is no warrior within you that will be released by drumming with a group of other men. There is only a rhythmically challenged turd.
Enter a beauty contest.
If pure evil exists in the world, you will find it either in senseless violence or a beauty contest. Pitting people who need copious amounts of external validation against one other is a cruel joke that should not be tolerated.
Enter an animal-calling contest.
After many years of practicing in the barn, you are ready to go public with your eerily realistic reproduction of the sound hogs make while they mate. You go, girl.
Enter an eating contest.
Eating more than enough food in a less than enough amount of time is something your digestive system will want to question you about very soon.
Go swing dancing.
Despite its popularity, swing dancing is basically an entire evening of spinning or being spun around. Dance if you absolutely must, but be aware that it is not much more than a socially approved form of getting dizzy.
Go to a rave.
You apparently need a barrage of sensory stimuli to feel something. Ask yourself why you are so numb instead of staying up all night dancing to deafening music and consuming massive quantities of substances that make you talk fast.
Go whaling.
While blubber remains a staple in the diet of some Eskimos, the whaling industry has remained significantly depressed for the last century or so. In any case, stay away from any field requiring you to kill something that is bigger than a three-bedroom colonial with a spear.
Hang glide.
You jump off a large mountain, relying purely on certain kinds of wind that may or may not arrive to keep you aloft. Am I missing something?
Hunt.
How and why does shooting Bambi with a high-powered rifle qualify as a sport? Fish, on the other hand, deserve to be caught because they have nothing better to do.
Ice fish.
Fishing through a foot of ice in below-freezing weather, however, indicates you have severe anger issues. Look deep within to find out why you need to express your dominance over creatures that can't talk and have no limbs.
Join a secret society.
The only secret, and it's not a very well-kept one, is that you and your buddies are a bunch of dweebs.
Joust.
For the last half-millennium there have been precious few opportunities to knock opponents off a horse with a long pole except at Renaissance festivals and the occasional get-together in the Ozarks.
Limbo.
Doing the limbo should be allowed only in the Caribbean after consuming many drinks with paper umbrellas. You deserve to slip a disk if limboing in any other circumstance.
Logroll.
You're running on a piece of wood in a river, nothing more, nothing less.
Paint your wagon.
First of all, it's curious and frankly a little disturbing that you own a wagon at your age. Second, why must you paint it?
Participate in a line dance.
There are few sights more depressing than a group of adults doing a line dance. Boot-scoot yourself in the butt if you suddenly find yourself part of one.
Play golf.
You spend five hours every chance you can to hit a white ball around, and your score has improved three strokes in ten years. Quality time this is not.
Play the tambourine.
A donkey could play this instrument. So which member of the band are you sleeping with?
Practice yoga or meditation.
Sorry, but bending, sitting, and thinking is not exercise or a therapeutic form of relaxation. If it is, I get a great stress-reducing workout just by taking a crap.
Put another shrimp on the barbie.
Unless you're reading this Down Under, put another burger on the Weber like real Americans do.
Rassle.
Rasslin' makes wrestling look noble.
Read existential philosophy.
You will first get a huge headache and then start questioning your very being.
Ride a bicycle built for two.
Something that looks like a lot of fun but is actually a big pain in the ass. Your partner is always peddling either too fast or too slow, and you'll just want to smack him.
Roll out the barrels.
Sure you'll probably be having a barrel of fun, but you're doing the polka, man!
Scat.
Ella Fitzgerald was the only person on earth who could do this without sounding like a total idiot.
Send in the clowns.
I can think of no situation that would be improved by sending in clowns. Besides, they're already here.
Sing karaoke.
Singing is best left to professionals, not to people like you who make plants feel pain when you sing.
Spend an inordinate amount of time working on your lawn.
Not only is having green grass far overrated while you're alive, it will matter even less when you're dead.
Study the Cabala.
I am 99 44/100 percent sure that mystical Judaism is aeons beyond your comprehension. Start with those "Greatest Bible Stories" comic books and work your way up.
Synchronize swim.
Do you really want to square dance in water? The requisite nose plugs alone should make you want to get immediately out of the pool.
Yodel.
While certainly an interesting talent, yodeling is best left to Swiss men and women who seem to have lost something.
CHAPTER 3
Stupid Behavior
Are you frequently embarrassed? Do you often find yourself in sticky situations requiring legal intervention, bail money, or extreme levels of pity from those you've offended in some way? It is clear that you are behaving in stupid ways that are messing up your life. Get on the road less stupidly traveled by avoiding these kind of stupid behaviors.
Attempt the Vulcan mind meld.
If you don't know what you're doing, this can lead to permanent melding.
Dance with wolves.
This will not be some kind of mystical experience between man and nature but instead an exercise in Darwinian theory. You will, in other words, be torn to shreds.
Duck and cover.
Hiding under a desk during a nuclear attack would not have saved you in the 1950s, and it won't save you today.
Eat anything with "Whiz" in its name.
I don't care if it's 99 percent real cheese, it's still 1 percent "Whiz." You might also want to avoid food that is required to state that it is indeed "Food" on its package.
Fold, spindle, or mutilate.
Doing any of these can reportedly wreak havoc with the best-laid postal plans.
Forget your partner's birthday.
Do this once and the date will be permanently ingrained in your memory, years after you break up.
Get a degree by mail.
The University of Harvard, located in Bakersfield, California, and a frequent advertiser in Easy Rider magazine, should not be confused with Harvard University.
Get court-martialed.
Military court makes the regular judicial system seem like a soiree. Don't break the rules of any organization that exists only to have rules.
Give advice.
This will almost always just get you into trouble (present company excluded, of course). Focus on the plethora of stupid things you've done to mess up your own life.
Heed advice.
So you're going to take the word of some know-it-all psychoquack just because he or she has a column and a radio show? Use your own common sense (assuming you have already purchased this book).
Iron a shirt you're currently wearing.
Most people remove their shirts before ironing to prevent their skin from becoming a new form of synthetic fabric.
Join a militia.
Living in a place that is wired to self-destruct if security is breached is by itself cause for alarm. Then there's the fact that you've declared war on a country that could wipe you and your wacky friends off the face of the earth with a World War II practice bomb.
Keep eating after you're full.
This is nature's way to tell you that if you persist in eating you will eventually have to be taken out of your bedroom with a backhoe.
Lead a coup.
Overthrowing a government is nice work if you can get it, but you will probably have to relocate.
Live in an RV.
Your average recreation vehicle makes a studio apartment seem like Xanadu. While it's true that lab rats have more proportional living space, you will have a small refrigerator.
Matchmake.
A rare opportunity to lose two friends in a single act of stupidity.
Microwave your pet.
There is no situation in which this can turn out well.
Mess with Texas.
Texans tell you not to do this, and I believe 'em.
Pick up the feces of a lesser mammal for a living.
Walking dogs looks like fun but follows the standard 80/20 rule which states that 80 percent of everything in life is bad and 20 percent is good. In this case, we're talking 20 percent walking, 80 percent poop.
Pretend you're interesting or funny if you're not.
This will only make it worse.
Procrastinate.
Delaying the inevitable only makes that which you're reluctant to do more difficult. You should instead be eager for every opportunity to restore the damage you have done so far to your life.
Pry into others' affairs.
Your affairs are probably far too bizarre to spend time and effort prying into anyone else's.
Read the instructions on a shampoo bottle.
If you still need to be reminded what to do with shampoo, you need more advice than that which comes with a health and beauty aid.
Rotate your cuff.
Since athletes always seem to be doing this and ruining their careers, I would advise rotating a different part of your body if you absolutely have to rotate.
Seek sanctuary.
I don't know what you did that you had to seek refuge from the law in a church, and I don't think I want to know.
Spit in the wind.
Or pull the mask of the old Lone Ranger. Or mess around with Jim.
Stay on hold.
Listening to Muzak while some minimum-wage teledrone decides to get back to you will make you hate the telephone and communication in general.
Take crap from anyone.
And you should because ...?
Take some time off to discover yourself.
After having lots of time to think about it, you will inevitably discover that you like yourself a lot less than you did previously.
Think locally, act globally.
I think you're reading the bumper sticker wrong.
Throw a keg party after the age of thirty.
You will have three-quarters of a keg of beer in your bathtub for weeks after your party. Recognize that, regrettably, you no longer have the ability to drink gallons of beer in a single sitting.
Throw caution to the wind.
Throwing caution to the wind is very often the very last thing someone says they will do before proceeding to lose all their money and/or clothes.
Wear camouflage.
This is a clear warning to others that one day you're going to think you're back in 'Nam and will have to defend the platoon at any and all costs. Keep your fatigues in the dresser unless you want people to move away from you slowly without making any sudden moves.
Work on spec.
Giving away anything for free just makes people respect you even less, if that can be imagined.
CHAPTER 4
Stupid Beliefs
Do you repeatedly put your faith in people or institutions that inevitably let you down? Do you believe that people are out to get you? While it's possible that foreign agents have implanted a chip in your brain (which accounts for your occasional lapse into a Slovakian dialect), it's much more likely that you are believing things that have little basis in fact. Look over these prime examples of stupid beliefs to determine whether you are either trusting people too much or are running against the stream of what most of us have agreed is reality.
Believe any government is out to get you.
Governments have better things to do than be concerned about the overwhelming insignificance of your existence.
Believe armed forces commercials.
Your military career will not resemble that of a knight in shining armor but rather that of someone who has to run in the mud for long distances while carrying heavy objects.
Believe in anarchy.
The only reason you're around at all is that everyone who hates you knows they would go to jail if they whacked you. Consider yourself blessed for the social order that accounts for your very being.
Believe in angels.
It is comforting to think that there is a quasi-divine figure looking out for us, but there isn't. Quit this charade and deal with the fact that you are all alone in the world and will probably die a lonely death in a small, dark room in a rent-by-the-week boardinghouse.
Believe in conspiracies or cover-ups.
The only conspiracy that exists is that you have conspired to be a paranoid neurotic.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from 563 Stupid Things People Do to Mess Up Their Lives by Larry Samuel. Copyright © 2000 Larry Samuel. Excerpted by permission of St. Martin's Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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