A Freudian Slip Is When You Say One Thing but Mean Your Mother: 879 Funny Funky Hip and Hilarious Puns

by Gary Blake

Overview

Everyone delights in wordplay! When there’s a sale on tennis balls, it’s first come, first serve. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. Why does the Pope travel so much? Because he’s a roamin’ Catholic. What is purple and 5,000 miles long? The Grape Wall of China! 
O-pun the door to 1,001 goodies that will have you howling or groaning, but certainly—like the surgery patient—in stitches.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781620873762
Publisher:	Skyhorse
Publication date:	05/01/2012
Sold by:	SIMON & SCHUSTER
Format:	eBook
Pages:	272
File size:	589 KB

About the Author

Gary Blake is director of the Communication Workshop, a company that presents writing workshops at Fortune 500 companies across the US. He lives in Great Neck, New York.

Read an Excerpt

CHAPTER 1

Oldies but Goodies

If the ex-president George W. played baseball, would he still be in the bush leagues?

* * *

The issue of legalizing marijuana will be voted on by a joint session of Congress.

* * *

There was a tryout party for the Christmas play at the all-girls high school, and every student had the opportunity to eat, drink, and be Mary.

* * *

When Lizzie Borden made peace with her family, did she bury the hatchet?

* * *

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

* * *

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

* * *

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked as they moved.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

* * *

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

* * *

What happened when the cow tried to jump over a barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.

* * *

There was a philosophy teacher who no longer wanted to teach in the red-light district because he got tired of putting Descartes before the whores.

* * *

Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?

* * *

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ... what? A super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

* * *

There were two ships, one had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

* * *

A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancée-free.

* * *

A fellow once sat up all night wondering where the sunshine comes from. ... Finally, it dawned on him.

* * *

Alimony is the high cost of leaving.

* * *

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

* * *

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

* * *

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

* * *

Seven days without a pun makes one weak.

* * *

There was a man who loved to make up puns. One day, a local magazine sponsored a pun contest. The man entered the contest ten different times in the hope that at least one of his puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

* * *

In a certain city in eastern Spain, the builder of a movie theater only built a single emergency exit door rather than the two required by law. Sure enough, there was a fire and several people were trampled to death. The moral: Don't put all your Basques in one exit.

* * *

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

* * *

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

* * *

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

* * *

A dead writer of music is decomposing.

* * *

Little Boy to Mother: Today we learned God's name in Sunday school.

Mother: What is it?

Little Boy: It's Harold.

Mother: Harold?

Little Boy: Yes, we sang a hymn: "Praise be to God, Harold be thy name."

* * *

The Mexican went to the baseball game and sat in the bleachers. He was far away from the field but was touched when everyone in the stadium rose and asked, "José, can you see?"

* * *

What's a Grecian urn?

Depends on what he does.

* * *

Tailor: Euripides?

Customer: Yes. Eumenides?

* * *

Why did the Indian chief pay for country club membership for his sons?

He wanted to see his red sons in the sail set.

* * *

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here; I'll go on a head."

* * *

Why does the Pope travel so much? Because he's a roamin' Catholic.

* * *

The blonde had named her dogs Rolex and Timex because they were watch dogs.

* * *

Business at the candle factory tapered off after the holidays.

* * *

On a divorce lawyer's wall: "Satisfaction guaranteed or your honey back."

* * *

The older brother put Krazy Glue on his younger brother's mouth as he slept. Then he warned his brother not to rat on him, but the brother's lips were sealed.

* * *

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

* * *

A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

* * *

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

* * *

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

* * *

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

* * *

Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.

* * *

In Star Wars, Chewbacca was raised on Earth by human parents. He was an excellent athlete and played baseball for the Los Angeles Dodgers. His first year in the big leagues he batted .300 and was named Wookie of the Year.

* * *

There are three kinds of people. Those that can count and those that can't.

* * *

The story is told of an African chieftain who lived in a simple grass hut and sat on an elegant, hand carved, wood throne. After ruling for a few years, he decided that wood wasn't good enough for him; he wanted a gold throne. So he commissioned his craftsmen to create a beautiful gold throne, and he took the wood one and stored it in the small attic of his hut.

A few months later, the sounds of warring natives from another tribe were heard approaching the village, and the African chief quickly assumed that they were probably going to steal his gold throne. So he exchanged the thrones, bringing the wooden one back down and hiding the gold throne. While he sat there anticipating the arrival of the enemy tribal warriors, suddenly the gold throne upstairs broke through the ceiling and came crashing down on the chief 's head and killed him. So what is the moral of this story? "People in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones."

* * *

"Ben Battle was a soldier bold and used to war's alarms: But a cannonball took off his legs, so he laid down his arms."

— Thomas Hood

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex ... she objects.

CHAPTER 2

Sex and the Witty

When a City University of New York doctoral candidate passes his Latin and Greek exams, does that make him a CUNY linguist?

* * *

When Attila's wife didn't feel like group sex, she told Attila to keep his Huns to himself.

* * *

If John Holmes were ever tried in court — would he have a hung jury?

* * *

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

* * *

Did you hear about the geologist with an erection? He was between a rock and a hard place.

* * *

Viagra remains the most popular pill of its kind, despite stiff competition.

* * *

The first half of the book, which told of his cross-dressing, dragged a bit.

You know about the woman who left her massage therapist because he rubbed her the wrong way?

* * *

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

* * *

There's a woman whose health insurance picked up the tab for a white noise machine to block out the noise from the bordello across the street; it was considered hormone replacement therapy.

* * *

When a prostitute loses her job, does she get laid off?

* * *

His mistress couldn't figure out how to use his desktop computer, but she had no trouble using his laptop.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

* * *

I asked him if he was heterosexual, but I couldn't get a straight answer out of him.

* * *

When they bought a water bed, the couple started to drift apart.

* * *

Ironically, Dominique Strauss-Kahn wasn't horny at the hotel or with the maid or in court — but he did get off with a small fine.

* * *

Her clitoral orgasm measured a 7.9 on the Lichter Scale.

* * *

How do French women hold their liquor? By the ears.

* * *

I saw a construction truck with the sign on the side: "Well Hung: Windows and Doors."

* * *

They had used doors in their sex play before but this time they found themselves in a jamb.

* * *

I knew a woman who resolved to live in a closet until she was ready to admit she was a lesbian. Eventually, she came out.

* * *

The stripper took off her shoes when she got into her airplane seat. But she started taking off other clothes as the plane started down the runway.

* * *

Although pursued by many women, he only wanted to sleep with model and actress Campbell. When she rejected him, he thought: "Better laid than Neve."

* * *

In the privacy of his bedroom, he put his fingers into the liquid remaining after some milk had been curdled and strained. Later, he admitted that it was wonderful: He had never felt this whey before.

* * *

Oedipus' mom was diagnosed with Porkin' sons.

* * *

Though a nice guy, he steered away from intercourse and his girlfriends confirmed that, in this area, he never gave an inch.

* * *

She started to throw him out but, within seconds, started ripping his clothes off. He didn't know whether he was coming or going.

* * *

She said she would perform oral sex on him, but he knew she was only paying the idea lip service.

* * *

The only way he could figure out how many women he had oral sex with was to do a head count.

* * *

As diet programs caught on, the shoemaker never got to lose his oral sex virginity because women no longer wanted to eat cobbler.

* * *

Many women feel that by looking at how large a man's hands are, they can size him up.

* * *

The man had rubbed his body all over the Venus de Milo before the police came and arrested him for statutory rape.

* * *

She was a Finnish prostitute who swam every day. She lived up North because she could take a dip and do Laps.

* * *

After our argument, she put on mascara and lipstick, and we had make-up sex.

* * *

When Arnold Schwarzenegger started to sleep with his housekeeper, some felt it wasn't about the sex but was merely a cry for help.

* * *

Every time he started to make love to her, he'd get a charley horse, which really cramped his style.

* * *

I felt like I would have an orgasm on the interstate, so I took an exit and got off on the exit ramp.

* * *

Feminine hygiene jokes are the lowest form of humor. Period.

* * *

Which saint had no problem seducing women? Francis of Asseasy.

* * *

Bond is in bed on top of Dr. Christmas Jones, a brilliant nuclear scientist convincingly portrayed by Denise Richards, who, like all brilliant female nuclear scientists, looks like a supermodel and dresses like Lara Croft. Then James says, "I thought Christmas only comes once a year."

* * *

His wife asked him to get two seats to the musical Man of La Mancha. Instead, he mistakenly bought two tickets for a sex show called Woman of La Mancha. he realized his mistake soon after the orchestra started playing "The Impossible Wet Dream."

* * *

Women should be obscene and not heard.

— Groucho Marx

* * *

Impotence: nature's way of saying ... "No hard feelings."

* * *

There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

* * *

Having sex is like playing bridge — if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

* * *

I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really, it was just a play on words.

CHAPTER 3

That's Entertainment

When Edward Albee told his mother he wanted to write The American Dream, her reaction was, "Don't be absurd!"

* * *

When Andy Warhol told his mother he wanted to be an artist, her reaction was "Can it!"

* * *

When Vincent acted up, Paul would say, "Here we Gauguin."

* * *

When Georges Seurat told his mother he wanted to be an artist, she said, "What's the point?"

* * *

Claude Monet never told his mother he wanted to be an artist because he was an impressionable kid.

* * *

There's one Indian film that has a caste of thousands.

* * *

When an eel bites your thigh, And it stings like you'll die, That's a Moray!

* * *

Drama critic Percy Hammond couldn't wait for the Fall Season so that he could stone the first cast.

* * *

Sign on a music store window: "Come in and pick out a drum — then beat it!"

* * *

If you break a metal strut on your guitar fingerboard, don't fret.

* * *

Why hear Bono explain that he was not responsible for Spiderman's failure? I refuse to come along and listen to the alibi of Broadway.

* * *

The egotist's favorite song? "Mimi."

* * *

Everyone got plastered for the Beethoven rehearsal. It was the bottom of the Ninth, chorus tight, basses loaded.

* * *

In one episode of TV's Frasier, Daphne is putting on weight and falls down, prompting Frasier, Niles, and Martin all to help her up. Martin, laughing at his own wit, says, "Daphne, I just realized! It took three Cranes to lift you!"

* * *

John and Lorraine had been dating each other for years and were getting bored of each other. They became like a married couple, nagging and sarcastic in all their conversations. One day, John met a girl named Cleary. She was pretty, smart, and funny, and John longed to break up with Lorraine and date Cleary but he couldn't. Then one day Lorraine was walking along the side of a river when she fell in and drowned. When John heard the news he was so happy he sang, "I can see Cleary now; Lorraine has gone."

* * *

Tina cried when I went away and so did her sister, Marge, but I told them: "Don't cry for me, Marge and Tina."

* * *

Question: What's an Australian kiss?

Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

* * *

Even though he was sick with food poisoning, Jerry Seinfeld wanted the nurses to know that he was still Master of his ptomaine.

* * *

I dared an actor to try out for the Blue Man Group — but he was yellow.

* * *

Even the poorest peasant would go to the Winter Palace in St. Petersburg in the evening to see who was dancing with the Tsars.

* * *

There were five or six great actors in The King's Speech, but I always think of Colin Firth.

* * *

The thief confronted former Who Wants to Be a Millionaire host Regis Philbin and asked, "Do you want me to shoot you?"

Philbin answered, "No, I don't."

The thief asked, "Final answer?"

* * *

I was a theatre major at the University of Wisconsin, but I never acted in a play once, however, my foot was in a cast.

* * *

When Hugh Hefner fell in love with a twenty-four-year-old blonde, he thought the marriage would be like a show that lasts forever, but it turned out to be a limited engagement.

* * *

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. — Steve Wright

* * *

When Sting's manager saw him take a fall the day before his sold-out concert, he knew he'd need a hip replacement.

* * *

Lyricist Oscar Hammerstein to composer Richard Rodger upon meeting at a party: "Who's watching the score?"

* * *

The comedy about the frozen Persian was quite farsicle.

* * *

I used to enjoy kabuki theatre, but now I prefer noh drama at all.

* * *

I set fire to a TV show host and was charged with Arsenio.

* * *

The Godfather's Sonny Corleone rushed to visit his abused sister in Manhattan but paid a heavy toll.

* * *

Regarding the Jack and the Beanstalk story: "The ends justify the beans." — Stephen Sondheim

* * *

Imagine Madonna's surprise when she awoke one morning and found that the music business had gone Gaga.

Pun: "A form of wit, to which wise men stoop and fools aspire."

— Ambrose Bierce

CHAPTER 4

Rich and Infamous

"Do you know the name of the early TV comic who spoke twenty-six languages?"

— Milton Berlitz

* * *

Does Bernie Madoff have a cell phone?

* * *

I took Colin Powell to Walter Reade Hospital because he needed an upper GI series, but the surgeon amputated his legs by accident; now, he's a semicolon.

* * *

Mr. Bellow, the Nobel Prize-winning American author, never varied more than five pounds in his weight during his whole adult life. It was often said that "one size fits Saul."

* * *

If I read about Wonder Woman all day, does that make me a heroine addict?

* * *

What did Phillip II of Macedon say when his son refused to give up the cheese slicer to the maid?

"Alex, hand her the grate."

* * *

The tenth-century Vikings who conquered England also invented advertising and spread word of their conquests using the Norman mailer.

* * *

If Madonna testified in a trial, would she be a material witness?

* * *

If you embezzle money from a rock star, are you involved in a Sting operation?

* * *

In an episode of Happy Days, Henry Winkler becomes a financial consultant but insists he is not running a Fonzi scheme.

* * *

At Jenny Craig's, lazy workers are "downsized."

* * *

Winona Ryder has a hernia and her agent doesn't want her lifting anything anymore.

* * *

As George Brett said when asked about his hemorrhoids, "That's all behind me."

* * *

Bernie Madoff: he lived large, was caught, and went to prison. That's the way the crook-he crumbled.

* * *

Princess Diana and other British yuppies who lived along Sloan Square and King's Road were known as Sloan Rangers.

* * *

International Monetary Fund head Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who was yanked off a jet and arrested in the alleged sodomy attack of a hotel housekeeper, has told reporters the name of the song he whistles when in court. It's "You Maid — Me Love You (I Didn't Want to Do It; I Didn't Want To Do It)."

* * *

The Libyan leader was so fond of marshmallows and chocolate that behind his back he was called Mallomar Ghadafi.

* * *

I asked a friend in Georgia if he wanted to go on a safari with me, but he said he had already seen vast stretches of Savannah.

* * *

The two Wong brothers went to Beijing's Tiananmen Square to march for the right to assemble, but they were arrested. Two Wongs didn't make a right.

(Continues…)

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Excerpted from "A Freudian Slip Is When You Say One Thing but Mean Your Mother"
by .
Copyright © 2012 Gary Blake.
Excerpted by permission of Skyhorse Publishing.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS,
INTRODUCTION,
CHAPTER 1 _ OLDIES BUT GOODIES,
CHAPTER 2 _ SEX AND THE WITTY,
CHAPTER 3 _ THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT,
CHAPTER 4 _ RICH AND INFAMOUS,
CHAPTER 5 _ NEWSWORTHY NOTABLES,
CHAPTER 6 _ BRAND HEX,
CHAPTER 7 _ IT'S A LIVING,
CHAPTER 8 _ LANGUID LANGUAGE,
CHAPTER 9 _ ODDS AND ENDS,
CHAPTER 10 _ ANIMAL PUNS,
CHAPTER 11 _ FOR CHILDREN OF ALL STAGES,
CHAPTER 12 _ GREAT PUNS IN STORE,
CHAPTER 13 _ SOUP TO NUTS,
CHAPTER 14 _ MISCELLANEOUS,