"I hate you!" No other words uttered by a young child can cause as much damage to the morale of her mother and father. After nurturing, worrying and encouraging, parents are prepared for an "I love you!" and a hug, but they rarely are ready for – and thus are extremely vulnerable to – any kind of venomous attack from their infant, toddler or preschooler. Numerous displays of affection can never completely compensate for the terrible pain resulting from a single angry comment.
Prior to one year of age, a child will become upset from time to time, and she will express her distress in no uncertain terms, but at this point in development, her feelings are largely reflexive and her reactions are generally unfocused. Therefore, while her behavior may generate concern, it usually will not cause dismay.
After the first birthday, however, things change. Gradually, the child starts to formulate genuine discontent, and she begins to direct her displeasure toward particular people. As her physical and mental capacities grow, and her social and emotional experiences become more complex, her expressions of anger steadily increase in variety and sophistication. Consequently, mothers and fathers can suffer all sorts of unpleasantness from their offspring, from the tantrums of their two-year-old, through the sulking of their four-year-old, to the verbal assaults of their six-year-old.
Dealing appropriately with a young child's anger is one of the more difficult tasks of parenting, and one of the more important tasks, as well. Occasional ill feelings are an inevitable part of life, but chronic unpleasantness is hazardous to everyone's psychological health. When suitably channeled, displeasure can produce constructive action, but uncontrolled displays of discontent can be destructive.
Proper coping involves diverse considerations and calls for different strategies at different stages of development. Unfortunately, mothers and fathers often have no clue as to where their child's anger is coming from, and no idea what to do about it. As a result, they routinely react in a harsh and excessive manner that makes matters worse. However, with information and advice, most parents can more accurately assess such situations and then pursue sensible practices that will improve the outcomes for all.
