Broken Silence

by Alisha R. Adkins

Overview

Alisha was born on April 20, 1987 in the little town of Zanesville, Ohio. Through her childhood, she went through some of life’s most difficult journeys. Through endurance, writing poetry, dancing, art, and belief in herself, she has found a way to break the silence!

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781481707862
Publisher:	AuthorHouse
Publication date:	01/18/2013
Sold by:	Barnes & Noble
Format:	eBook
Pages:	132
File size:	849 KB

Read an Excerpt

BROKEN SILENCE

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By ALISHA R. ADKINS

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2013 Alisha R. Adkins
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4817-0788-6

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Chapter One

      Life

    Life comes.
    It goes.

    Some love it.
    Some hate it.

    Life is like a roller coaster.
    It goes up and down.

    Sometimes I laugh.
    Sometimes I cry.

    Life comes.
    Life goes.
    I die.


      I Smile ...

    I smile when you sing.
    I smile when I think of spring.
    I smile when you make me laugh.
    I smile when you laugh.
    I smile when you give an encouraging word.
    I smile when you are sarcastic.
    I smile when you smile.
    I smile, because I know smiling says a lot.
    I smile when you sing.
    I smile when I think of spring.
    I smile when I think of you.


      Being Single

    Fancy and free,
    Lonely and bored,
    That is what being single means to me.

    Forget being cuddled when you are scared.
    There is not any one to care when life seems dim and
    cold.

    You are not caressed and told that everything is going
    to be alright.
    There is not someone there to make you smile when life's
    journey encompasses your being.

    Being single, it is not all that it is cracked up to be!

    But hey there isn't a problem with going out, you can do
    as you please.

    You always wonder,
    Am I ugly and why do men not like me?

    The knots of another tying you down do not have a grip
    on you!
    You do not have anyone there to know what you do
    when they are not around.

    Sad, lonely, fancy, and free,
    That is what being single means to me.


      God

    God,
    I love you.
    I need you.
    Here I am.
    Do you see me?
    You are everything,
    You are everything to me.

    God,
    You are in my laughter.
    You are in my tears.
    I am not alone.
    I am not alone with you here

    God,
    Please stay with me
    Be my friend.
    Do not leave me.
    I love you.
    I need you.
    Have you forgotten me?


      Outside My Body

    Outside my body I see the little girl weeping.
    She is shattered lying upon the ground.
    Weak little girl you are stupid.
    Her body trembles as she feels her knees bending.
    Twisted in her night gown, she sees her veins bleeding.
    Outside my body, I hear her screaming.
    Her voice trapped deep within her throat.
    Damaged little girl quit trying.
    Her scars are so deep within that no one sees them.
    She is so scared and afraid that she feels like drifting.

    Outside my body, I am safe and sound.
    Roses are for maidens, her white flower is tainted.
    Lay there little girl, there is no more sleeping.
    Withered, stained, and torn her petals fall.
    Destined for somebody to love her, but no one will want
      her at all.

    Outside my body, the little girl is barely breathing.
    His odor is suffocating and is sucking her life away.
    You are worthless little girl, and don't you forget it.
    He kisses her forcefully, her energy is wasting.
    She leaves her body to deal with his greed.
    Outside my body is the little girl I must face.
    Now it is my turn to take her place.
    Little girl no one will love you.
    My hands are sweaty, and my muscles tighten quickly.
    My stomach aches as I struggle to win this battle.

    Outside my body, the now freed little girl stands.
    She is desperate to wonder to distant lands.
    This is not your body, it is my property little girl.
    I want to be her with her.
    Her hair in the wind, and her eyes as beautiful as the
      stars in the sky.
    She is full of love and warmth.

    Outside my body, she is safe and sound.
    Her night gown is not twisted and her veins are not
      bleeding.
    Shut your mouth little girl, no one will listen.
    His weight is on me, I cannot make a sound.
    My eyes are heavy, I feel like heaving.

    Outside my body, the little girl is not grieving.
    The land she goes to is filled with daisies.
    Stop little girl, you are not leaving.
    The mountains are many colors.
    He pulls the knife to my throat.
    Outside my body, she is glowing.
    Her life is perfect and she is full of vigor.
    This is your entire fault little girl, you were misbehaving.
    Shame and guilt take place as I see the sticky film upon
      my belly.
    My limbs are numbing, and I feel like drifting.

    Outside my body, the little girl is weeping.
    She is waiting for me to come with her.
    Go wash up little girl, you are a dirty little whore.
    I am half unconscious as I look into the mirror.
    My face is distorted, and I am very ugly.

    Outside my body, I wish I were swimming.
    The gates of hell are open.
    You are damaged, broken, and dirty little girl.
    This tragedy took my innocence away.
    I stand here trying to scrub off my skin, because of the
      dirt he places.

    Outside my body, the little girl is flying.
    She is in the land of butterflies and unicorns.
    Go to bed little girl, and keep your mouth from
      squeaking.
    Down my face tears are falling, the lights are shaded.
    The night is dawning, and I am stiffened by his shadow.

    Outside my body, the little girl saved my life.
    Many times I drifted, and she took my strife.
    You are crazy little girl, nothing happened.
    When no one believed me, she was there to protect me.
    Life would not be the same without the little girl outside
      my body.


      Sitting Alone in the Dark

    Sitting here alone in the dark
    Fear and shame encompass my every being
    Hope that trickles in begins to dim
    Why does life seem so grim?

    How do I find my heart?
    The true me that never developed
    It has always been hidden deep within
    Tattered and torn with a thorn

    Sitting here alone in the dark
    I am trying to find my heart
    Wanting the pain to go way
    Hiding how lovable I am

    I have come too far to give up
    Struggles come from within
    My voice, once not heard, screams in my soul
    Where do I begin?

    Sitting here alone in the dark
    I am trying to find my heart
    Wanting to be made whole
    Negative words flood my soul

    Shadows on my bed
    Afraid of what lies ahead
    Wanting to love myself so I can be my own friend
    Scared of what others think about me.

    Sitting here alone in the dark
    I am trying to find my heart
    Stuck inside myself
    I do not want to pass on the pain

    Wanting to make friends
    But not sure how
    Building a wall so thick
    Not knowing how to let others in

    Sitting here a lone in the dark
    Trying to find myself
    Hopes and dreams inside my head, I demand
    Why did those I trust hurt me so bad?

    Wondering how my story will go
    How can I be someone so great?
    I cannot keep my mind straight
    Is this all just a dream?

    I am sitting alone in the dark
    I am trying to find my heart, my voice, and who I am
    Not wanting to be stuck so deep within
    Goals and hopes that I want to achieve
    Will I live a full life? or will despair crush my soul?

    I am waiting for the day
    That I do not sit here alone in the dark.
    My heart will be whole
    I will find out who I am
    The past will just be a part of me,
    Not who I have become

    I hope to not be sitting alone in the dark
    I hope to be sitting in the light with the one who loves me
    I hope to have a family and a career
    I hope to help others to not be alone in the dark

    Until that day, I will keep sitting alone in the dark
    Trying to find my heart
    Wondering if my past is who I will always be
    If my hard work to make me whole will pay off.
    Waiting to find the key to setting myself free.


      You are Just a Doll

    You are just a doll.
    Yet, I will still hold you tight.
    You are just a doll.
    Yet, one day you will be real.

    You are just a doll.
    Yet, I will still love you.
    You are just a doll.
    Yet, one day you will be real.

    You are just a doll.
    Yet, I will take care of you.
    You are just a doll.
    Yet, one day you will be real.

    You are just a doll.
    Yet, you have held me tight.
    You are just a doll.
    Yet, one day you will be real.

    You are just a doll
    Yet, you love me every night.
    You are just a doll
    Yet, one day you will be real.

    You are just a doll.
    Yet, I love you with all my heart.
    You are just a doll.
    Yet, one day you will be real.

    You are just a doll.
    Yet, I cuddle you with warmth.
    You are just a doll.
    Yet, one day you will be real.

    You are just a doll.
    Yet, I take care of you.
    You are just a doll.
    Yet, you are practice for when you will be real.

    I once was just a doll.
    Yet, my mother did not hold me tight
    I was just a doll.
    Yet, she did not know that I became real.

    I was just a doll.
    Yet, she did not cuddle me, and keep me safe.
    I was just a doll.
    Yet, to her I never became real.

    I was just a doll.
    Yet, she never learned how to love or take care of me.
    I was just a doll.
    Yet, I became real indeed.

    I was just a doll.
    Yet, she lost sight of me.
    I was just a doll to her you see.
    Yet, I became real, and she did not want me.

    I was just a doll.
    Yet, I was so full of hurt.
    I was just a doll.
    Yet, I became real, and grew up with a life full of pain.

    I was just a doll.
    Yet, my mother did not love me.
    I was just a doll.
    Yet, I did not know my mother's warm touch.

    That is why you are just a doll.
    Yet, I pretend you to be real.
    You are just a doll.
    Yet, one day you will be real.

    You are just a doll.
    Yet, so was I.
    You are just a doll.
    Yet, I hope loving you will help me to love you, and take
      care of you when you are real.

    You are just a doll.
    Yet I will still hold you tight.
    You are just a doll.
    Yet, learning how to take care of you
    will help me make things right when you are real.

    For now you may be just a doll, teaching me how to
      love me.
    You will be real one day.
    Even though you are just a doll, I will learn
    the way to make sure you are held tight,
    cuddled every night, and loved with all my might.
    I will be whole so I can take care of you right,
    Because one day, you will be real.

    You are just a doll.
    Yet before you become real, I will be healed from all my
      past terror and fright.
    You will not be just a doll to me when you become real.
    I will hold you tight; keep you warm, and safe from my
      own terror and fright.
    I will protect you, love you, and take care of you with my
      motherly heart.
    You are just a doll, you are just practice, and yet, one
      day you will be real.


      Friends

    They come. They go.
    They laugh. I laugh.
    They cry. I cry.
    They sing. I sing.
    They smile. I smile.
    Some are big. Some are small.
    Some are round. Some are thin.
    They are of many colors.
    They are all beautiful to me.
    They are not the same, but they are there when you
      have a bad day.
    Friends inspire us to do the right thing.
    We stick together no matter what joys or pains life may
      bring.
    That is why when they laugh, I laugh
    When they cry, I cry.

    When they sing, I sing
    When they smile, I smile
    Even though they are not the same,
    they are my friends.
    We may move miles apart, but forever we will be together
      in our hearts.


      I'll Survive

    It is hard every day to survive,
    But I do.

    I don't know how long it takes to get by,
    But I'll Survive.

    The pain and the tears come from everywhere,
    But I'll Survive.

    Every "game" is confusing.
    It makes my stomach ache,
    But I'll Survive.

    I get tired of trying to just get by.
    It is hard to survive,
    But I do.
    I get tired of surviving.
    What else can I do?
    I don't know,
    But I'll Survive.

    When I ask you,
    You say there is nothing else to do,
    But Survive.

    It takes too long to get past just surviving.
    The days are long and seem like forever,
    But I'll Survive.

    Life is hard.
    It is difficult to survive,
    But I have the heart of a fighter.
    I am a survivor,
    And I will Survive!


      Emptiness

    Emptiness comes from deep within.
    Lost and confused on this journey I travel.
    Always alone, but I am never too far from grace.
    I am blessed to be here, but afraid of being a disgrace.

    Emptiness encompasses my soul.
    Wounds that become scars have cut deep within.
    My heart cries, "Will this ever end?"

    Emptiness floods my heart.
    Voices of despair eat me alive.
    The things they say are not true.
    They get louder each passing day.

    Emptiness comes and goes.
    It can cast its evil curse upon me for days, months, or
      even years.
    It stays concentrating my soul in different lengths.
    Sometimes the lengths or amounts are more hurtful
      than others.

    Emptiness causes fear.
    It causes me to hate not only myself, but others.
    It causes me to hate the ones who have betrayed me.

    Emptiness knocks.
    It pounds on my heart's door.
    It wants to be set free,
    but there is not a place for the emptiness to go.
    Emptiness is here.
    It clouds my thoughts.
    The cries are louder each passing day,
    denying me of happiness.

    Emptiness brings pain.
    The pain is so deep within that I cannot withstand it.
    Lest heaven hold my hand, I'll be dead before it's gone.

    Emptiness wreaks havoc.
    It shreds each strand of my heart in a million pieces.
    It takes my breath away, making it harder for me to
      breathe.
    Frail tears fall upon my face.

    Emptiness fills every space.
    Any ray of hope seems gone.
    My worth diminishes as emptiness encompasses my whole
      being.

    Emptiness sheds a different light.
    People are more superior to me.
    Flawless are they, and full of flaws am I.
    On pedestals I place them,
    too high to see their flaws.
    They are everything to me, attachment forms,
    they are who I want to be.
    They are my example.
    They are who I strive to become.
    When they fail me and I see their flaws, emptiness takes
      its place,
    and disappointed am I.

    Emptiness raises its voice.
    What good am I to anyone?
    I wish I was never born.
    How dare you want to be more?
    You are damaged, and do not deserve to be loved.

    To emptiness, I am a slave.
    Broken, abandoned, fearful am I.
    I have never been loved or wanted.
    It taunts my hopes and dreams.

    I was tainted for so long by abuse, neglect, and heart
      break.
    Every step on this journey I take has been a struggle.
    I am tired, and I am afraid that I may lose this battle.

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from BROKEN SILENCE by ALISHA R. ADKINS Copyright © 2013 by Alisha R. Adkins. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Contents

Life....................1
I Smile....................3
Being Single....................5
God....................7
Outside My Body....................9
Sitting Alone in the Dark....................15
You are Just a Doll....................21
Friends....................29
I'll Survive....................31
Emptiness....................33
Dead in my Head....................41
The Right Guy for Me....................45
A day with no Singing....................47
Tears....................49
Face....................51
Secrets....................59
Nicotine....................65
You Meant it for Harm....................71
I set myself free....................77
Part of me is dying....................81
Betrayal....................85
I hate you, I love you, Oh Please do not leave me!....................91
Orphan....................95
Good Bye....................101
Numb....................105
Don't Wanna Feel....................107
You are a Butterfly....................111
My heart carries a tune....................113
My Gift....................117