Table of Contents
Introduction ix
1 May's Britain, a broad sunlit upland 1
2 Italian engine, charismatic, would like to meet small Japanese sports car for shed frolics 5
3 Old things - not as good as they once were 9
4 How not to drive like an Italian 13
5 The rot stops here 17
6 Join the police and look really stupid 21
7 A postcard from France, part I 25
8 The strange case of the missing Panda 29
9 If the car fits, wear it 33
10 Thank you for buying an unfinished car 37
11 Is there a doctor in the garage? 41
12 Trust me, I was a choirboy 45
13 The seed of despair 49
14 Cheese grater, plug, wheel. It's obvious 53
15 When you have finished reading, you may hang up 57
16 Citroën Ooh La La 61
17 A postcard from France, part II 65
18 Dogs should be able to buy their own biscuits 69
19 The incredible disappearing road 73
20 What Audi could learn from Jesus 77
21 Maxing the Veyron - a piece of cake 81
22 The double-ended sword of motoring progress 85
23 Mercedes Benz forever 89
24 One good thing came out of the 1970s 93
25 Out of date and out of mind 97
26 Rubbish in, rubbish out 101
27 A postcard from France, part III 105
28 The pointy end of motorcycle purchasing 109
29 The case for cat-nav 113
30 Driving is easy, and that's just as well 117
31 That North Pole nonsense 121
32 A brief history of history 125
33 Give me a car, not a cuddly toy 129
34 We are not amused 133
35 A load of horse's arse 137
36 Porsche - taste the difference 141
37 A postcard from France, part IV 145
38 The future of motor racing, and it's cheap 149
39 Cars are rubbish 153
40 Er, cars are great 157
41 Brochure rage part I 161
42 Old bag dies after 25 years as my friend 165
43 Triples all round 169
44 Rolls-Royce - no longer a car for clowns 173
45 A modernist's guide to the Goodwood Revival 177
46 How the small car will save the car 181
47 Eee I 'ad one of them - best bike ever 185
48 The queen of clean 189
49 Motoring holiday spoiled by tasteless curtains 193
50 A balanced view on the irrelevance of handling 197
51 First class super saver day return - by Fiat 201
52 How the three-day week improved your car 205
53 Mercedes-Benz, now you're just being silly 209
54 The curse of carbon 213
55 The two most boring men in Britain 217
56 Small electrical fault, would suit enthusiast 221
57 Brochure rage part II 225
58 The Bentley in outer space 229
59 Cars for art's sake 233
60 The domestic cooker - an underrated appliance 237
61 The coupé that doesn't cheer 241
62 The difficulty of going nowhere 245
63 Why we should take heart from car makers 249
64 The car - what were they thinking of? 253
65 James Bond would like to thank his sponsors 257
66 Harley-Davidson, hardly appropriate 261
67 The biggest spanner in the world 265
68 Brown must go 269
69 I saw the light, and saw that it was poor 273
70 Australians singing in shower - world will end 277
71 Once more, with feeling 281
72 No jam tomorrow 285
Index 289
