Finding a Life Partner: And Living With After Marriage

by Rajendra Gour

Overview

“This is a valuable journey that the writer takes us all on in his book. He hopes the lesson he learned and the tips his book off ers its readers will make their life journey smooth and happy.”

Is There a New and Better Way?

“The writer tries to show how we can find and build a good relationship with a marriage partner. He deals with important cultural and societal issues that might lead to our not getting married and problems that can lead to divorce or worse after marriage. The author also discusses practical solutions and ideas for how we can address and resolve the problems that do often appear in all relationships and marriages.

It is most interesting that at the end the author strongly suggests that most good marriages do come full circle and both partners do accept that what they have is positive and spiritual and worth keeping. Th at is the valuable journey this writer takes us all on in this book and the lesson he hopes this book gives to his readers”

“Society always evolves, and it is always good to take what worked well in the past with you to create a better future.”

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781456726454
Publisher:	AuthorHouse
Publication date:	04/06/2011
Sold by:	Barnes & Noble
Format:	eBook
Pages:	136
File size:	404 KB

Read an Excerpt

Finding a Life Partner

And Living With After Marriage

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By Rajendra Gour

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2011 Rajendra Gour
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4567-2644-7

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Chapter One

My Introduction to Arranged Marriages

I opted to have arranged marriage. That might not be the best method of finding a bride or a groom. But there is also no guarantee that the initial love a couple experiences will blossom into a happy and lasting marriage. So, what is the solution to this dilemma, this contradiction?

In sixties and seventies, Indians living overseas travelled to India to find a bride or groom, a marriage arranged by their parents, relatives, or friends. I was no exception. I went there too from Singapore in 1970 to find a bride. Let me take you there again here. That journey will give you a peek into the prevailing environment and the conditions under which I had to travel. It will also immerse you in Indian and Singapore culture and history.

My parents passed away in the early 1960s. My eldest brother then took their place as head of our family. With this position, came the family responsibilities. We gave him his due respect. He believed that it was his duty to have me marry. So, he started looking for a suitable bride for me.

In the sixties and seventies, Indian boys usually got married as soon as they finished their studies and started earning money. When my brother asked me to get married, I was ready. I was thirty years old, had a good job, and knew I shouldn't delay marriage any longer. But... get married to whom?

I had always avoided falling in love. I thought love was a distraction, and would not be able to concentrate on what I wanted to achieve. I would not be able to commit myself one hundred percent to what I wanted to do. I had given myself few chances to have a girl friend. I was not sociable. However, that did not mean I had no company or friendships. I was one of many like-minded people who were always dreaming about becoming a great film director. We often discussed film concepts over cups of tea in a corner 'tea house' where the present Dhobighaut MRT (mass rapid transport) station stands today. We stayed mostly in the company of boys although sometimes, girlfriends of my friends would join us.

I always kept myself at a distance from girls, even though I enjoyed their company and even admired some of them. Our conversations were strictly related to making movies, however. The girls I knew were either Chinese or Malays. The Chinese girls were mostly Christians or Buddhists, and the Malays were Muslims. Christians and Muslims had a strong belief in their religions. They were good persons as friends. They were caring and adorable. They were open-minded. Yet, when it came to religious matters, they would not give way and change at all. They had to have their say. So, there were very few inter-religious and inter-racial marriages that took place. Those who did marry of course always said that they were in love. Some adopted the religions of their spouses, while others did not. Some ran away from their homes to get married when their parents opposed the marriage. Race always remained the issue. Life was not easy for them as far as I knew. It was also difficult to gain acceptance from both family and society. They were caught in a net of differences, and getting free of that net it was often a major problem. I wanted to escape all these issues, if I could, before being caught in the same net myself. So, I started making personal preparations, gathered my thoughts and reflected on what I was looking for in a girl that I would choose to marry.

For me, when choosing a life partner, the similarities were more important because I thought these were measurable, and I could take a calculated risk, especially where 'match- making' was concerned. I had no such match in Singapore. You can say I did not find it or could not find it. Anyway, the population of Northern Indians was very small at that time. There were very few Indian professionals. Most were labourers, traders or businessmen. Almost all the Indians went to India to get their brides. There was nothing considered to be strange about doing that.

During the 60s and 70s, most of the marriages in India were arranged or 'match made'. I had seen it also in my family. It was based on the assumption that a marriage is a contract (bond) between two families, not between two individuals. The parents used to advocate for them, saying, "We always think the family way, and try to save the families from breaking up by considering all the factors before marriage." They also lamented, "Nowadays the couple's approach is very individualistic."

I recognized the merits of getting the families involved from the very beginning or at least seeking their approval.

The process of arranging marriages was both straightforward and systematic. However, it could also get complex and messy at times depending upon the people who arranged it or did the match making. To know all the facts about a girl or a boy, the intelligence of the middleman had to be very good and reliable. However, the problem was the possibility of the middleman sometimes suppressing or hiding certain information, so that he had to be bribed. He could also tell lies. So, doubts were cast at times on the middleman's honesty and capability. Parents and especially their educated sons and daughters started saying: "A middleman often provides incomplete and unreliable data. He acts as if he is still in the last century. Much emphasis is placed on past experiences, which have become irrelevant. He also selects what suits him best to close the deal." Amidst these doubts, many thought that more ways had to be sought and adopted to know the girl, the boy and their families fully.

Among these new ideas were matrimonial columns in the newspapers or magazines, word of mouth in social circles, involving both matchmaking agencies and relatives, and finally matching the horoscopes of the potential couples. Today of course there is the Internet.

My Preference

I knew what I was looking for in a girl that I would choose to marry. For me, the qualities of a good wife were to be a simple, honest, understanding, educated, and 'home person'. Yet she should also feel comfortable outside the home and be able to adjust to the Singapore environment. I knew that this would take some time.

I didn't even think about whether she would be able to cook. I took it for granted. Whether she was a vegetarian or non-vegetarian did not matter ... She should have faith, but not be too religious ... I did not like rituals that did not make sense to me. My preference was a girl from the same faith or a similar faith. I had noticed when a husband and wife did not subscribe to the same faith, the children were confused ... there was no direction, not true spiritual guidance.

I also wanted a girl from the middle class or a class slightly lower. A girl from a rich family wouldn't be happy, I thought, as I wouldn't be able to meet her expectations, and those of her family. I would also feel more comfortable with a middle-class family with a similar social and cultural background. At least we would have something in common, a good reason for keeping us together.

Like anyone else, I was also looking for love. She should love me. Of course, I would love her first. She would care for me in good times and bad, share my moments of happiness and I would do the same too. She would accept me as I am. She wouldn't have to live with my irritating habits. I would reform myself if there was a need. She had to be beautiful, and- by beautiful I meant a pleasant personality, not the sexy type. Otherwise, my life may be hell if other men found her sexy too. You know what I am saying ... I look OK, not bad ... so she should look OK too. I also preferred a girl who did not wear glasses. I hoped she would not be wearing contact lenses when I went to see her. I do wear glasses. Never mind that I could see without them. I only used glasses while watching a movie. "Oh gosh! Would I ever find such a girl? Why not? "Have faith," I said to myself in preparation.

Chapter Two

My Journey to India

March 1970- I touched down at the Delhi airport. It was not the first time I had visited Delhi. I use to come here to see the editors of newspapers and magazines with the hope of getting my poems and stories published. I was then 17, a student with little money in my pocket. But times had changed. I was now on my own feet and a man ready for a bride.

On arrival at the Delhi airport, I waited for my eldest brother, his wife, and her sister to welcome me. It was fashionable then to welcome a relative or a close friend at the airport by garlanding them. I felt somewhat embarrassed by this gesture, as I was not used to it. Immediately I removed the garland but with a smile. My sister-in-law remarked that, "I was shy." That's what Indians usually said to save a situation.

We proceeded to my sister-in-law's house by taxi. On the way I was told we were going to see a girl that evening. I was not surprised, but I felt a little strange as all of this was happening too soon. My brother explained that since we had to go to his house at Chandigarh, about a five- hour bus ride and that the girl was in Delhi, it made sense to see her first. A relative had recommended this girl.

At five in the evening we were ready to visit the girl with our best clothes on. I felt strange. This was the first time I was going on this type of visit. We hired a taxi. It was an Ambassador car, I remember. Most of the taxis in Delhi were Ambassadors or Fiats then. These were either assembled or made in India, unlike in Singapore where almost all the cars were imported from Japan. Indian cars were considered tough enough for the rough Indian roads.

The taxi had meters outside, not inside the taxi. The drivers here often didn't turn them on hoping to demand a higher fare upon reaching the destination. We were aware of that ploy, however. We asked our taxi driver to turn on the meter.

Our taxi crawled through narrow streets of Old Delhi. Unlike New Delhi, this section had old houses and shops spread all around and even on the pavements. I had come to this part of Delhi many times, when I lived in India, but then I had not paid attention to so many details.

Our taxi passed by the Red Fort, known as the 'Lal Qila'. It is the landmark of Old Delhi, dating back to the Mughul Empire, and has much historical significance. Whoever conquered Delhi raised their flag here. The Moguls and the British did. Even today a flag raising ceremony is held here on Republic Day, and the Prime Minister of India makes his speech from this fort.

When I lived in Delhi, I never looked around with the same eye I did now- the curious eye. I accepted most things as they were. But now, I was comparing everything to Singapore- the buildings, the environment, the people, and so on ... The buildings in old Delhi had a certain character- old, shattered buildings were part of the history. There were shops and shop houses on both sides of the street. There was very little maintenance. Electric wires hung all over the buildings connected to the poles, as though there was illegal tapping of electricity. Very few people bothered to paint the buildings.

Traffic was noisy and felt chaotic. All kinds of vehicles were on the road - man-pulled trishaws, motor- driven three wheelers, cars, buses - you name it, and it was there. All modes of transportation were screaming for space. Horn after horn bombarded my ears. The noise was incessant. I had never felt this way before going to Singapore. Back then I was use to the crowded streets, the crowds spilling over from the pavements onto the roads, and all types of smells and sounds – the noise of people and vehicles, calls of hawkers, and loudspeakers blasting Hindi film songs.

My taxi was almost crawling on the road now. It was full of vehicles and people. We passed by some cinemas. Giant -sized posters of Indian films were pasted all over the walls. I could see long queues of people buying tickets for the show. I remembered my days when I used to line up the same way, especially for the movies with legendary actors like Raj Kapoor, Dilip Kumar, Dev Anand, Dharamendra, and Meena Kumari. Many times I was disappointed when I couldn't get a ticket. Ticket touts snapped up them all even before the ticketing-window opened. They sold these tickets on the black market. I couldn't afford them then.

Winding through the old narrow streets of Delhi, our taxi suddenly stopped in front of a house. We had reached our destination.

Chapter Three

My Blind Dates - Matches Just For Me

My First Blind Date

That was my first blind date. Why did I call it a Blind Date? I guess because I had never seen or talked to that girl before. That blind date was also different. Unlike other blind dates, I wouldn't meet the girl alone. It had to be in the presence of her family. So, I knew what I was supposed to do. Just look at the girl and ask one or two questions. Show good manners. Tell my elders whether I liked the girl or not. The rest was between the parents. In my case, the parents were my elder brother and his wife, as my parents had passed away.

The girl's parents were at the door to welcome us. They invited us into the house and led us to the living room. As we walked in, we scanned the environment carefully. The house reflected the simple way of life of this family.

We sat on a sofa, and there was dead silence for a while. Someone had to break the ice. It was the girl's father who finally did. He asked me, "So, you came this morning from Singapore". "Yes", I replied. Then, there were the usual questions. "What work do you do there? How long have you been there? Do you have any intention of returning to India?"

These questions were not spontaneous ones. The answers were short. There was often silence in between the question and the answer. All of us felt a bit uncomfortable, as it was our first meeting. My brother was mostly silent, although he had years of experience talking as a professor of English. Like me, he opened up slowly with strangers. Soon, my sister-in-law started talking with the girl's mother. It was as if she had known her for ages.

Suddenly, there was a dead silence. The girl had entered the room. She was holding a tray with a teapot and cups. Shyness was written all over her face. Looking down, she approached us. Her mother said simply, "Our daughter ... Aarti".

Aarti was dressed in a Punjabi suit and looked like a simple girl. "Aarti has just come from school. She is a teacher", the mother told us.

We all looked at her with smiles on our faces. She sat down. We did not talk much. My sister-in-law then said, "We are glad to see Aarti." Aarti acknowledged with a smile. Yes, she looked nice, but she did not ring a bell in my heart. We talked for a while. Sometimes I tried to throw in jokes to make the atmosphere friendlier. By now, all of us were at ease. We thought we had a pretty good idea of the family's background. My brother reminded us that we had to catch the final bus to Chandigarh, about 400 kilometres away where my brother lived, and it was getting late. My sister-in-law told the girl's parents, "We shall be in touch again". My brother spoke the clichéd line, "Yeh sab nasseeb kee baat hai (It is all a matter of fate). You will hear from us soon." Then, putting our hands together, we wished everyone "Namaste"- goodbye in Indian style.

The word 'Namaste' is a greeting used whenever Hindi speaking Indians meet or depart, irrespective of the time- whether it is day or night.

As soon as we walked out of the house, my brother asked my opinion. I said, "She is nice, but not the girl I am looking for as my wife". All of us had the same opinion. Anyway, she was the first girl that I saw. It was my first blind date. There would be more before I would make up my mind.

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from Finding a Life Partner by Rajendra Gour Copyright © 2011 by Rajendra Gour. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Contents

Editor's Note – Is There a New Way Coming?....................xi
My Introduction to Arranged Marriages....................1
My Journey to India....................8
My Blind Dates - Matches Just For Me....................11
Several Prospective Brides....................14
My Last Blind Date....................35
Matching The Horoscopes....................44
An Auspicious Day for Marriage....................47
Learning to Live In An Arranged Marriage....................54
Making Your Choice – An Arranged Marriage Or a Courtship Marriage....................63
The Case For An Arranged Marriage....................65
How Courtship Can Create a Mixed Marriage....................75
When You Must Live With Your In-laws....................84
Changing Behaviour After Marriage....................94
Living for Companionship But Not as a Married Couple....................97
Do You Want A Way Out of Marriage?....................101
Have Your Say and Live With It Or Make a Change....................109
Make a Wish and Keep It....................113
Build an Even Better Marriage....................114