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Finding The Game
Three Years, Twenty-Five Countries, and the Search for Pickup Soccer
By Gwendolyn Oxenham St. Martin's Press
Copyright © 2012 Gwendolyn Oxenham
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-250-01088-9
CHAPTER 1
AWAY FROM THE BRIGHT LIGHTS
1.
FIVE YEARS EARLIER Luke and I had set up life in a downtown loft in Asheville, North Carolina. It was one large room with wooden floors, high ceilings, and a big old window that faced the morning sun. We bought a table for thirty dollars from a thrift store down the street and carried it over our heads on the walk home. We slept on a blow-up mattress on the floor. Below us, there was a French restaurant and a wine shop with a five-dollar discount table. We could walk to the two-screen theater, Izzy's Coffee Den, and Malaprop's Bookstore. Two tuba players, brothers simultaneously divorced by their wives, owned the loft across the hall; when they came up on weekends, we sat on their window ledge and drank single-malt scotch.
Luke worked an office job selling billboards. He woke up at seven, took a shower, and kissed me on the forehead as I slid deeper under the sheets. I woke up around nine and sat down at the desk Luke and I made together. I was on a writing grant to finish my first book. I had all the time in the world, all day long. I spent the mornings thinking. I tried to focus on my first-grade teacher, who told my mother on Parent-Teacher Conference Day, "Whatever you do, keep her away from sports. ... She has the soul of an artist." We thought that teacher was an idiot for a long time. Now I hoped she wasn't.
At night we played in the parking lot of the social services building. Luke could only score by hitting the silver pole of the light post. I could score between the white lines of a parking space. We tried tricks. Luke did rainbows, shin juggles, snazzy things you see on YouTube videos. One side of the parking lot was bookended by a large mural painted by kids. We banged the ball off pastel handprints, trees, and outlined clouds. Bums occasionally stopped to watch, dangling their arms over the wall and whistling. When one of us kicked it over the wall, they didn't retrieve it for us; instead they watched as we sprinted to catch the ball that rolled faster and faster down the sloping street.
After our game was over, we sat along the curb, tired, nostalgic. Luke had been a Notre Dame center midfielder who scored big goals in big games. I'd been the youngest Division I athlete in NCAA history, a starter and leading scorer for Duke at sixteen. Now we made jokes about being twenty-four-yearold has-beens.
* * *
DURING THE DAY there was too much time. I tried to kill the hours: I read books, great books, but I felt guilty just laying there reading page after page while the rest of the world complained about a lack of time.
The writing wasn't going well. My book was about my brother, and the effect one kid has on the other, but it was hard to squeeze our lives into pages. He has a way of saying things that land — like the time after the hurricane, when twenty-two trees fell down in our backyard, and he said, "Damn, sis, looks like somebody used the sun as a wrecking ball." Or the time he described prison as "a lot like middle school, people trying to be cool." The story was important to me and I wanted to say it right. I spent all day sitting there, running my hand along the wood of the desk. Luke and I didn't know how to make a desk: we'd nailed down four planks of raw wood atop four skinny logs we'd found laying alongside a vacant lot. The wood was starting to warp and the trunks were splintering, but I loved that desk.
I kept a short stack of books on the left corner — my current favorites, books I could pick up and flip open, reading sentences and voices I hoped would influence my own. One of them was a planner my best friend, Leah, gave me when we were fourteen; in it there was a photograph and a quote from a famous author every month, and even though the dates were all wrong, I still read the quotes and stared at the photos.
On the tenth month of my yearlong writing grant, I was sitting at the desk once again looking through the planner. I thumbed past June, July, and August until I reached the black-and-white photo of Truman Capote and stared into his round eyes. Right beneath his portrait there were these words: "The test of whether or not a writer has divined the natural shape of his story is just this: After reading it, can you imagine it differently, or does it silence your imagination and seem to you absolute and final? As an orange is final. As an orange is something nature has made just right." When I sat and read my 240-page draft, I knew it wasn't an orange, and I had no idea how to make it one.
I lay down on our fake-suede couch and thought about my dad, who for the last several months had said things like, "You should join the FBI — fantastic benefits." He was worried because I had no health insurance. I told him I'd be the world's worst spy, but he took that as evidence I'd be a good one: "See, no one would ever guess." I started taking suggestions like this into consideration. I entertained the possibility of anything — law school, business school — things I'd ruled out from the very beginning. Suddenly I wondered about wearing pencil skirts and high heels, carrying a briefcase and spreading papers across a long conference table. Anything but writing.
Because of a large hole in our Camry's muffler, I could hear Luke get home from work. I'd pull on the chain that angled our window up and wave to him, grateful that my time to write was up. Watching him walk across the parking lot, wearing button-downs, tan slacks, and brown dress shoes, it looked like he was playing grown-up. He had wild blond curls that he wore in a big fro in college (opposing teams called him Brillo Pad), but now he had me cut the curls off so that he'd look "professional."
In the beginning he enjoyed having a pattern — brewing coffee and ironing down the collar of his shirt in the mornings. He liked trying on a profession. During his job interview, he'd taken an aptitude test. He lied through most of it, picking whatever answer he thought a true salesman would pick. If the question asked, "At a party, would you be in the center of the crowd or along the wall?" he of course said he'd be the guy in the center. Then when he failed the test and the results said he'd make a terrible salesman, he didn't know what to make of it. As they debated whether or not to hire him, he thought about telling them he lied, but that admission seemed worse than just failing. They ended up hiring him, and he was left to wonder in private what the test would have said if he'd answered honestly. Maybe, he thought, I'm meant for sales.
Six months in, one of the maintenance guys quit, so they started sending Luke — the most limber guy with a desk job — up to repair the billboards. He did not like going up there. He wouldn't admit he was unhappy, but I could tell from the way he curled up on the bed when the alarm went off, his whole body sweating. I guess up there, 150 feet above the highway, standing on a see-through iron grate, wind howling, vinyls flapping, he came to two realizations: one, he didn't like being up on billboards, and two, he didn't like selling billboards. His plan was to make it through the end of the year. After that, he didn't know. Neither of us did.
* * *
ON A SUNDAY afternoon, I drove to Durham to watch ninety minutes of my old life. I sat on the far side of the bleachers, away from everyone else. It embarrassed me to come back. I felt like the loser who graduates from high school but still hangs around the benches in the mornings before school.
I came primarily to watch Rebekah Fergusson, a freshman on the team when I was senior. In college, I'd made a twenty-minute documentary centered on identity through sports. Ferg was one of four characters. While the other three were standouts on the field who said things like, "I would do anything to win," she was the bench-warming counterpart who said, "You think you'll get here and run sprints and work hard and then one day you'll play and then one day you'll start — you know, Rudy and all that crap — but, well, it's not always that easy." When a professor watched footage of her green puppy-dog eyes looking earnestly at the camera, he said, "It's almost like you can see it — she's too nice to be good." But that Sunday she got her first start against Florida State, and in the rain, in the mess, she was playing with the effort of someone who'd spent three years pent up on the bench: she beat the FSU forward to the ball, stripped it off her when she tried to dribble, and won everything in the air. "That kid's playing her heart out," a gravelly voice said from behind me, mostly to himself. The man had bushy white hair and chewed on a cigar as he paced back and forth in the aisle. Most likely he was somebody's dad: dads always sought space by themselves, never wanting to risk anyone trying to engage them in conversation while they were trying to watch.
"Playing your heart out"— when I was a kid, it was my favorite expression. Even now, guiltily, I love it. "Heart" lost its power as we got older; too many coaches said it in too many pregame speeches. You stopped really hearing them. But you still knew what it meant when it happened, when nothing could touch you. It was the main thing I missed.
When my senior season ended, they handed us plaques that showed our span: 2000–2004. One of the underclassmen said, "It looks like you guys died." I would have tried out for the women's professional league, but it folded the year I graduated. Your whole life you're a soccer player, then suddenly you're not.
So I applied for graduate school in creative writing. I came up with my forty-page writing sample during a two-week tear in the athletes' computer cluster, drinking Mountain Dews and writing all night. I thought it could work: I'd just replace soccer with writing. I applied to two schools, Florida and Notre Dame. The Florida rejection came startlingly fast, like they emphatically didn't want me. It made me feel foolish for applying in the first place. It took me fifteen years to get good at soccer; what made me think I could just try something else? Several months went by and I assumed Notre Dame got so many applications they didn't have time to notify everyone who'd been rejected. But in March, I came home from a run and was standing in the doorway panting when Thora, my Icelandic roommate, said, "Some man named Villiam called." I had no idea who William was or why he was calling, but I called back and he said it was William O'Rourke, the director of the University of Notre Dame's creative writing program, and that he'd like to invite me to South Bend. I got off the phone as quickly as I could, afraid of saying something that would let him know they'd made a mistake. I looked at Thora, who was watching me. "Thora, Thora, THORA," I said. "They want me! Somebody wants me!"
There was an easiness for a while: I knew what I was going to do, who I was going to be. The end of the school year glided by, and I spent the summer before I left for South Bend working as a deckhand on a fifteen-million-dollar yacht in Mexico. I Windexed toilets, turned down high-thread-count sheets, and placed chocolates on pillows. I went bonefishing in the mangroves, kayaked through small inlets, and tried different tequilas in straw-hut bars on the tips of islands. During my shifts of night watch, I listened to the crew. Gary spent a few years in Alaska ice-fishing, got his degree in chemical engineering, studied astronomy in grad school, then became a boat captain. Alfredo owned a Mexican resort that went bankrupt; he gave me one of the teak rocking chairs he'd made by hand. Jody, a former pastry chef, told stories of working on boats across the world; she'd opened wine bottles for Jimmy Buffett, Mariah Carey, and Forbes's second-richest man. They saw my devotion to soccer as unnatural and odd. For the first time, single-mindedness — dedication — was presented as limitation. As I sat in the swiveled captain's chair, bobbing softly with the waves while scanning the water for the lights of other boats, I too wanted to try everything and anything. I wanted to move past soccer.
This, I soon discovered, was a lie. We anchored far out in Ascension Bay, close to an island that served as an outpost for the Mexican army. It was a remote, buggy location, and as Alfredo and I skinned grouper on the back of the yacht, he pointed with his knife toward the island: "That's where the bad soldiers get sent." We could see them in uniform, sitting on the dock, machine guns strapped across their chests, machetes in hand. But right along the shoreline was a makeshift soccer field, and after weeks without ball or field, all I wanted was to play.
I dinghied over to the uniformed men and made kicking gestures until my intentions were clear. A half-hour later, in monsoonlike rain, I shared goal celebrations, drank beer, ate ceviche, and took Fun Shot photos in which I am sandwiched between Mexican soldiers, holding on to their guns.
I thought, Who am I kidding? I want to play soccer until I die. Well-roundedness seems disloyal: How can you move to a new world without betraying the first? How can you drop it if you love it?
As I scrubbed toilets all the next day, and then later, as I went to classes in the cold of South Bend and then wrote in the stillness of our apartment in Asheville, I kept thinking about that game. Now, sitting here in the bleachers, with my hands beneath my thighs, I thought about it again. I looked out at the field, at Ferg running up the sideline, at the dad violently combing his hands through his hair, but I was seeing Ascension Bay and the soldiers, and daydreaming about pickup.
* * *
THAT NIGHT I met Ferg on West Campus. Like me, Ferg had gone on to spend all her time in Documentary Studies. We were both the overthinker sort who spent as much time wondering what the game meant as we did playing it. I wanted to go to the library, to sit at a table with an old-fashioned lamp while people all around us bent their heads over books. I wanted to hash out some sketch for the future, to sit there with coffee and a legal pad and spend two hours thinking about what we would do if we could do anything. I wanted that game in Mexico to be the start of something.
2.
BOTH MY PARENTS had adventure in them. My mom had worked as a secretary in downtown Los Angeles and saved up enough for a semester at West Liberty State College in West Virginia, a place she picked because she wanted to go somewhere with green rolling hills. She got there and discovered the school was in the middle of a coal-mining town. She thought if she made straight As, they'd give her a scholarship. She made the As but nothing happened, so she drove her Vega back to L.A., where she met my dad.
My dad had been a lifeguard in Laguna Beach and a Green Beret in Vietnam. Before he was shipped to the front lines, he flew to Hawaii and spent three months surfing, putting toilet seats on toilets, and sleeping on the beach. Even after kids and a job, he still seemed unquenched: when a dog bit my sister's face, he used the insurance money to buy his first sailboat. He studied a How-to-Sail pocket manual, and he and my mom spent the next ten years weekend racing. When we moved to Pensacola, Florida, the Catalina 38 wouldn't fit beneath the bridges, so we sold it, but he'd still watch the masts as we drove over the three-mile bridge. He kept his longboards, but eventually they got moved to the attic. When he needed the money, he sold one of them for $245 to a man named Ron. I remember him standing in the driveway with his arms folded across his chest, watching that guy walk away with his surfboard. He never sold another one.
Every year we watched Endless Summer, the documentary about two surfers who trekked around the world. As a teenager, I didn't want to watch a documentary, I didn't want to watch something from 1966, I didn't want to watch something I'd already seen before. "This is cool," my dad said matter-of-factly. "You don't know how cool this is." (He always tried to educate me: when I'd asked for the New Kids on the Block album, he gave me the Rolling Stones and told me I could thank him later.) So I sat there with my legs beneath the coffee table and I watched.
Now I called and told him the plan Ferg and I came up with in the library: we'd move from country to country and, instead of looking for waves, we'd go in search of pickup games. He was silent longer than I expected him to be. "Well, honey," he said, "where are you going to get the money? How are you going to do it?" "We're going to apply for a grant."
"For how much?"
"Five thousand dollars."
He snorted. "That's not going to get you very far."
My dad is an interesting paradox of confidence and negativity; he believed each of his kids could do anything and constantly told us so, but as soon as you picked whatever that thing was, he nagged at you with all of the exhausting details you were going to have to think about in order to make it happen. And, of course, he was right. Five thousand dollars wouldn't get us far.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Finding The Game by Gwendolyn Oxenham. Copyright © 2012 Gwendolyn Oxenham. Excerpted by permission of St. Martin's Press.
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