Fish in the Dark marked Seinfeld co-creator Larry David's playwriting debut, his Broadway debut—and his first time acting on stage since eighth grade. David starred as Norman Drexel, a man in his fifties who is average in most respects, except for his hyperactive libido. As Norman, his more successful brother Arthur, their elderly mother, and a host of other characters try to navigate the death of a loved one, old acquaintances and unsettled arguments resurface—with hilarious consequences.
Fish in the Dark marked Seinfeld co-creator Larry David's playwriting debut, his Broadway debut—and his first time acting on stage since eighth grade. David starred as Norman Drexel, a man in his fifties who is average in most respects, except for his hyperactive libido. As Norman, his more successful brother Arthur, their elderly mother, and a host of other characters try to navigate the death of a loved one, old acquaintances and unsettled arguments resurface—with hilarious consequences.
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Overview
Fish in the Dark marked Seinfeld co-creator Larry David's playwriting debut, his Broadway debut—and his first time acting on stage since eighth grade. David starred as Norman Drexel, a man in his fifties who is average in most respects, except for his hyperactive libido. As Norman, his more successful brother Arthur, their elderly mother, and a host of other characters try to navigate the death of a loved one, old acquaintances and unsettled arguments resurface—with hilarious consequences.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9780802191281 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Grove/Atlantic, Inc. |
| Publication date: | 04/24/2019 |
| Sold by: | OPEN ROAD INTEGRATED - EBKS |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 112 |
| File size: | 939 KB |
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Read an Excerpt
CHAPTER 1
ACT ONE
SCENE 1
We open on a darkened stage. It's the middle of the night and a couple, NORMAN and BRENDA DREXEL, are fast asleep.
Norman, early to mid-50s, average in every respect, except for his hyperactive libido, which, due to the exigencies of marriage, is hardly a blessing. Brenda is a few years younger than Norman. She's honest, cheery, and optimistic, all qualities sorely lacking in her husband.
After a few beats, the ringing of a phone breaks the silence.
The scene is played in the dark with voiceovers.
NORMAN (bolting awake) Oh my God! Who's dead?!
BRENDA Answer it, Norman.
NORMAN Someone died! Someone's dead!
BRENDA Pick up the phone.
NORMAN Someone's dead. I know it. (picks up the phone) ... Hello? ... What's wrong? Uh-huh ... uh-huh ... Should I come now? Oh ... Okay, then I'll see you in the morning. Okay, bye. (he hangs up) That was Arthur. They took my father to the hospital. Same issue with the breathing. I have a feeling this might be it. I'll go first thing in the morning.
BRENDA Are you okay?
NORMAN I don't understand.
BRENDA ... Well he's old and sick. We knew this was coming.
NORMAN I mean, if we can't go until the morning, why did Arthur wake us? How does waking us at three am do anything?
BRENDA It doesn't. It's all about, "If I'm up, you're up".
NORMAN Yeah, of course. Well, I'll tell you this. There's no way I can get back to bed now.
BRENDA What do you want to do?
NORMAN Well this is going to sound like a joke, but usually in circumstances like these, there's really only one thing that gets me back to bed.
BRENDA Really?
NORMAN Absolutely. It completely changes the sleep dynamic.
BRENDA You can still do that, even with what happened to your father?
NORMAN Especially so.
BRENDA ... So would you prefer I leave the room or should I just turn around?
NORMAN (deflated) ... You can just turn around.
BRENDA Enjoy.
Blackout
SCENE 2
The lights come up on a hospital visitors' lounge. There's a vinyl couch CS, with two brightly colored plastic chairs on either side. DL are a candy and coffee machine. Two sets of elevators are UC.
Norman exits his father SIDNEY's room, DR, and approaches Brenda, who's sitting on the couch, checking her cell.
NORMAN No change. Still sleeping.
BRENDA Natalie's on her way. She's coming from her My Fair Lady rehearsal. How are you doing? Can I get you anything?
NORMAN You know what I just realized? Except for when I was born, I have never spent a night in the hospital in my life. I'm Superman.
BRENDA If I were you, I'd knock on wood.
NORMAN (looking around) Oh my God, there's no wood. That's not wood. That's fake wood.
BRENDA (points to end table) That's wood.
NORMAN That's not wood. That's fake wood. It's faux wood! This is all faux!
BRENDA You can knock on faux wood.
NORMAN Ah, you don't know what the faux you're talking about.
The elevator doors open, revealing Norman's brother, ARTHUR DREXEL. He's two years younger than Norman, much wealthier, better-looking, and enjoying the divorced life. The shirt, however, is not coming off his back for anyone. Arthur is accompanied by MICHELLE, a voluptuous, full-of-life blonde. Arthur hugs Brenda.
ARTHUR Hey! This is Michelle. Michelle, this is my brother's wife, Brenda —
BRENDA — Your sister-in-law.
ARTHUR Right. And this is my brother, Norman.
Norman gives a nod of approval to Arthur regarding Michelle.
MICHELLE Hello. Sorry about your dad.
NORMAN Thanks, but you know what? In a way it's a relief. He's been suffering for a while.
MICHELLE I get that.
NORMAN Wait a second! You work with Jay Leventhal. You're the notary, right?
MICHELLE Right.
NORMAN Sure, I met you a few years ago. I was up in the office.
MICHELLE I remember.
NORMAN You remember! She remembers!
Brenda claps sarcastically.
ARTHUR Have you seen Dad?
NORMAN Just briefly.
ARTHUR Where's Mom?
NORMAN She went to get some food.
ARTHUR How's she doing?
NORMAN Well she hasn't been rendered mute, if that's what you're asking.
BRENDA It would have to be a catastrophe of biblical proportions for that to happen.
ARTHUR (to Michelle) Pick a date. Any date in the last forty years.
BRENDA Seriously?
ARTHUR (ignoring, to Michelle) Name one.
MICHELLE (confused) Um ... November 25, 1997.
BRENDA It was the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. I opened the door for the paper, but it hadn't been delivered. Then I had a sesame seed bagel. I dunked it in my coffee, which Norman didn't like at all.
NORMAN You don't dunk bagels. Who dunks bagels? Goyim.
BRENDA Then my cousin called. I tried handing Norman the phone so he could wish her a happy Thanksgiving, but he refused to take it. (unflattering imitation of Norman)
"No! No! No! I can't!"
NORMAN Oh, wow, what a great impression. You really got me down.
MICHELLE (in awe, to Brenda) ... How do you know that?
ARTHUR She can remember where she was and what she did every day since she was five. Only thirteen people in the world can do it.
MICHELLE That's incredible.
NORMAN I don't like being handed phones. Lotta pressure for me.
ARTHUR (to Michelle) Yes, they're an interesting couple, these two. The idiot and the savant.
NORMAN (to Arthur, gesturing to Sidney's room) You want to go in to see your father maybe? Just a suggestion.
Norman waits for Arthur and Michelle to enter Sidney's room, then: She's going in? What the hell is that? He brings a date to the hospital? His father's dying and he brings a date?
BRENDA Maybe she's not a date. Maybe she's a girlfriend.
NORMAN She's not a girlfriend. I spoke to him last week. He didn't mention anything about a girlfriend. I'm not even sure if a girlfriend is appropriate here.
BRENDA I wish I could've seen you guys together when you were kids.
NORMAN Oh, it was much worse. I used to pin him down and drool until it was an inch from his face, then suck it back up.
BRENDA (wincing) Eww ...
NORMAN Yeah, it was pretty disgusting. I think he's still getting even.
ARTHUR (interrupting) He's tired, said he wasn't up for talking.
BRENDA Where's Michelle?
ARTHUR She's using the bathroom. She wants to take her contacts out.
BRENDA Anybody care for real coffee? I'm going out.
NORMAN No thanks.
Brenda exits.
So how long have you been seeing her?
ARTHUR This is our fourth date.
NORMAN So this is a date?
ARTHUR Well it's the fourth time we're getting together. Technically, the first ten times you see a new woman, it's a date. So yeah.
NORMAN This is wildly inappropriate. I hate to inform you, but the deathbed is not the place to meet new people. It's not a mixer. Why is she here?
DOCTOR STILES enters.
DR. STILES (to Norman) Is this your brother?
NORMAN Yes. Arthur, this is Dr. Stiles.
ARTHUR (to Norman) Do I really have to explain it? I didn't know what time I'd be getting out of here —
NORMAN I have no idea what you're talking about.
ARTHUR ... It's just more convenient. Logistics.
To Dr. Stiles.
Dr. Stiles, pleasure. So what's going on? What is it, the carbon dioxide?
DR. STILES Exactly. He's only using five percent of his lung capacity and, as a result, there's an accumulation of CO because his lungs can't get rid of it. To be absolutely truthful, I'm sorry, but I don't expect him to last more than a day or two ... unless ...
ARTHUR What?
DR. STILES Unless we put him on a ventilator.
ARTHUR A ventilator?
DR. STILES It would keep him alive, but he could never recover.
NORMAN Problem is, he never made any provisions for a ventilator. Someone would have to ask him.
Awkward pause. He turns to Dr. Stiles.
... So what do you think?
DR. STILES About what?
NORMAN You know ... asking him.
DR. STILES About the ventilator?
NORMAN Yeah.
DR. STILES Well, you're his son. You should do it.
NORMAN You're a doctor. Kind of your job.
DR. STILES Yeah, maybe if you two weren't here.
ARTHUR We'll go get a bite.
NORMAN We'll bring you back a little something.
ARTHUR What do you like?
NORMAN We'll go get a bite ... You'll have your ventilator talk. We'll come back with a delicious lunch.
DR. STILES I think not.
ARTHUR Okay, so what happens if nobody asks him?
DR. STILES Then we put him on one and keep him alive ... Let me know what you decide. Nice to meet you. (he exits)
ARTHUR You believe that?
NORMAN What kind of doctor is this? It's way easier for him to ask. He must have a lot of ventilator talks. We've had no ventilator talks.
ARTHUR I know. We have no ventilator experience.
NORMAN Zero! We have zero ventilator experience! So ... I guess we should flip a coin for who asks.
ARTHUR No. I can't do it. Sorry, Norman. I cannot go in there and ask Dad that. Please.
NORMAN You think I want to? I can't ask him. The fair way is to flip.
ARTHUR Yes, I realize that would be the fair way.
NORMAN So you'd rather let your father languish on a ventilator than ask him?
ARTHUR Yes, I would.
NORMAN So I have to do it?
ARTHUR He should've had this all worked out ahead of time.
NORMAN I know. Like what about the body? I guess we need a mortician.
ARTHUR Where do we get that?
NORMAN Google? Yelp? I don't know.
ARTHUR How much is a casket?
NORMAN A thousand, two thousand?
ARTHUR I'll tell you right now, I'm not spending more than five hundred on a casket. Who cares what he's buried in? It's not a house. He's not living there.
NORMAN I don't want my father buried in some shithole.
ARTHUR Why? He doesn't know where he is.
NORMAN Okay, this is a ridiculous argument.
ARTHUR Why should anyone care where they're buried? You could throw me in a garbage dump. Doesn't matter. I'm dead.
NORMAN Okay, so if you die before me, I can throw you in a garbage dump?
ARTHUR Absolutely. Right in the dumpster.
NORMAN Oh I cannot wait for your funeral! That is going to be fun. We'll all drive to the garbage dump.
ARTHUR You know what? I have a better idea. Maybe we should cremate him. We'll all save a ton of money. A cremation costs nothing.
NORMAN Boy, for a guy with a lot of money, you're so cheap.
ARTHUR Not a ton.
NORMAN Oh, it's a ton.
ARTHUR That has nothing to do with it. It's the principle. Why should the living sacrifice for the dead? You don't spend on the dead. Nothing for the dead. They get nothing!
The elevator doors open and GLORIA DREXEL, their mother, early to mid-70s, bad wig and all, makes her entrance. You don't want to get on Gloria's bad side, but unfortunately that's not an option.
GLORIA (happy to see her son) Oh, Arthur.
They hug.
ARTHUR He had a good life, Mom.
GLORIA What was so good about it?
NORMAN It wasn't so good? I thought it was good.
GLORIA It was okay. That floor in the lobby is so slippery, I almost broke my neck. They don't need to put so much wax on it. Just mop it. It's not the White House!
ARTHUR Mom, did you ever talk to Dad about going on a ventilator?
GLORIA I did. He said if he ever couldn't eat or maintain his hygiene, he'd rather die.
ARTHUR Well that settles that.
GLORIA And Tony Severino called. Said he wants to come and say good-bye to Dad, but I told him no.
She opens the door to Sidney's room and then closes it immediately, jolted.
NORMAN What happened?
GLORIA Nothing.
ARTHUR Mom? Mom, what happened?
GLORIA Nothing! Nothing happened!
NORMAN Mom! What?
GLORIA Your father was feeling up some girl!
NORMAN What?
ARTHUR Michelle?
GLORIA A blonde woman.
ARTHUR Oh my God!
He goes back into Sidney's room.
NORMAN Where was he touching her?
GLORIA You have to know where?
NORMAN I'm just curious.
GLORIA Her breasts, okay? He was touching her breasts!
NORMAN Wow.
GLORIA Who is this girl?
NORMAN I don't know. Arthur's date.
GLORIA His date? Your brother is some idiot. He brings a strange girl to the hospital? And what about your father? How do you explain that?
NORMAN Sometimes the hand wants what the hand wants.
Arthur and Michelle return.
ARTHUR Mom, this is ...
And before Arthur can get her name out, Gloria walks past them and back into Sidney's room. To Michelle:
Oh my God. Is it true?
MICHELLE It's true.
NORMAN How did it happen?
MICHELLE I came out of the bathroom and we started talking.
ARTHUR Talking? He could barely get a word out when I was in there.
MICHELLE Well he was really talking up a storm with me.
ARTHUR Go on.
MICHELLE So then he asked me to sit down and I started to bring the chair over, but he said no and patted the bed.
NORMAN Hello.
MICHELLE So I sat down on the bed and we were talking ...
ARTHUR About what?
MICHELLE Baseball. He asked me how I thought the Orioles would do this year.
ARTHUR Don't you think it's odd that he's still interested in baseball?
NORMAN (quickly dismissing) Yeah, yeah, it's odd. It's very odd. So then what happened?
MICHELLE Okay ... So then as he was talking, all of a sudden he reached over and put his hand on my boob.
NORMAN Unbelievable.
ARTHUR You think you know someone.
NORMAN And what did you do?
MICHELLE Well he has one or two days, if not a few hours, to live. What's the big deal? So he put his hand on my boob. Who cares?
NORMAN What a fantastic attitude! Sure, it's just a hand. What's a hand? People put their hands on my shoulder. I'm aware of the hand. "Hey, there's a hand on my shoulder." But it's not so terrible. Eventually they take it off.
MICHELLE Right.
NORMAN Hey, let me ask you this. Do you think he knew what he was doing or is it possible the hand just kind of landed there?
MICHELLE Oh he knew what he was doing.
ARTHUR Why do you say that?
MICHELLE Because he squeezed it.
NORMAN What kind of squeeze?
MICHELLE A normal breast squeeze.
NORMAN Like two seconds?
MICHELLE Mmm ... Yeah, that sounds right.
NORMAN How many squeezes were there?
MICHELLE Quite a few.
NORMAN What kind of pressure was applied?
MICHELLE Medium to hard.
ARTHUR So how long, all tolled, was his hand on there?
MICHELLE Hard to say. I lost track of time.
ARTHUR So eventually he took it off?
MICHELLE Yes, but then he put it someplace else.
ARTHUR And where was that?
MICHELLE My leg.
ARTHUR He put his hand on your leg?
MICHELLE With no compunction.
NORMAN And was the hand active in any way or was it just sort of resting there for the most part?
MICHELLE Oh, there was activity.
NORMAN He inched up?
MICHELLE He inched up. But then, much to my surprise, he removed his hand and put it back on my boob.
NORMAN Interesting, inasmuch as he was making progress there, he chose to retreat to there.
MICHELLE Anyway, that's when your mother came in.
ARTHUR It's remarkable. It never ends. A man's dying and this is what he's thinking about.
MICHELLE I thought we were just exchanging pleasantries.
ARTHUR (to Michelle) I think you should probably go home. I'll give you a call. My mother's going to be coming out of there any second and it's going to be really awkward.
MICHELLE Would you please tell her why I did it?
ARTHUR Yeah, I'm sure she'll be very understanding.
MICHELLE Bye, bye, Norman.
NORMAN Bye ... A pleasure to meet you.
MICHELLE Thank you ... And I'm so sorry.
She leaves.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Fish in the Dark"
by .
Copyright © 2015 Larry David.
Excerpted by permission of Grove Atlantic, Inc..
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