Fuhgeddaboutit: How to Badda Boom, Badda Bing, and Find Your Inner Mobster is the definitive guide on how to be a twenty-first-century made man. With easy-to-read step-by-step instructions, Fuhgeddaboutit reveals a unique way of living and a unique way of dying -- usually involving an icepick and duct tape.
In Fuhgeddaboutit, you will learn...
- The three most common uses for toothpicks: "dental hygiene, stabbing and storing gum during sex."
- All about honeymoons: "Every couple should honeymoon somewhere completely foreign and exotic for two weeks. Like South Jersey."
- To protect yourself at all times: use a condom and a bulletproof vest.
- The main difference between a Jewish mobster and an Italian mobster: a foreskin.
From the mobster's "Code of Conduct" to "Five Ways to Pass the Time in Jail" and even a chapter called "Minestrone for the Mob Soul," Fuhgeddaboutit is a must buy for both the serious mob professional and fans of this special way of life. And we use the words "must buy" in the strictest sense.
|Publisher:||Simon & Schuster|
|Product dimensions:||5.50(w) x 8.39(h) x 0.34(d)|
An Interview with Jon Macks
ASK DOCTOR MOBSTER
Q: Should a mobster have unprotected sex?
A: Absolutely not. In this day and age, you should always wear a bulletproof vest.
Q: I'm worried about protecting my home from rival families. Where can I find a good watchdog?
A: You can find good dog in most Chinese restaurants.
Q: What are the 3 most famous mob hits of all time?
A: Albert Anastasia, Bugsy Siegel and Vince Foster.
Q: What's the difference between a typical mob family and the typical American family?
A: Lawn ornaments.
Q: Is there any set rule on how much hair oil to use?
A: In the R months never wear more hair oil than Jerry Lewis.
Q: How can I tell if one of my associates is turning state's evidence? Are there any sure ways to tell if he or she may be an informant?
A: Every few days throw a bucket of water on them. If sparks start to come from their chest, they either have a pacemaker or are wearing a wire.
Q: Has there ever been a situation where the consigliere is the real brains in an operation and is just using the man in charge as cover?
A: Yes, Dick Cheney and George W Bush.
Q: What's the worst bet in a Las Vegas casino?
A: The $3.99 buffet.
Q: How should young career minded women break the glass ceiling in the Mafia?
A: With a baseball bat.
Q: What's the main difference between a Jewish mobster and an Italian mobster?
Q: We're having a traditional mob wedding this June. Do you recommend a pre-honeymoon bikini waxing?
A: No for the bride, yes for the groom.
Q: Should a mob guy call the day after sex?
A: No, the $100 on the nightstand is thanks enough.
Q: Why do so many mob guys end up dying in New Jersey?
A: It's preferable to living in New Jersey.
Q: Does the mob have a good pension plan?
A: No one knows, nobody ever lived long enough to collect.
Q: What's the worst thing about having sex with the average mob guy?
A: There's a 50% chance you'll later cough up a hairball.
The Mafia, like Amway and clog dancing, is a way of life. But sadly, it is a way of life that has been dying out. According to the 2000 U.S. Census, there are only five actual members of the mob left in the United States.
What happened? What went wrong? How did one of America's great economic engines crash and burn faster than a Ford Explorer on a set of Firestone tires? Some would blame the federal government. Others attribute the decline to RICO. Still others point to the Mafia's unusually high mortality rate. But the truth is, the real problem is that the old-timers are dying out and there is no one to replace them. And just as important, there is no one willing to take the time to teach those who want to join the mob about the Mafia way of life.
I know, I know, some of you would say that the mob dying out is a good thing. Here are five reasons why you are wrong. Thanks to the mob:
1. Grown men who don't play professional ball still get to use baseball bats. Which personally brings back so many great baseball memories from childhood, of going down to the park with Dad and whacking some guy over the head.
2. The modern mob is one of America's great equal opportunity employers. There is a Jewish Mafia, a Russian Mafia, an Italian Mafia, an African-American Mafia, and an Asian Mafia. A president of the United States has been sued for sexual harassment, Denny's has been accused of racial discrimination, but to this day, there has never been one successful EEOC complaint filed against the mob.
3. Thanks to mob movies, we have Robert DeNiro.
4. Without mob funerals, the floral industry would be bankrupt.
5. Without the mob, no one would have ever heard of the late Abe Vigoda.
So think of the mob as an endangered species, and just like with any endangered species, active steps need to be taken to ensure that this valuable cross-section of Americana is around for generations to come. That is the purpose of this book, to serve as an introduction, a sort of Mafia 101. And much like a college course, it is organized to help you walk through the entire mob way of life.
Chapter 1 is about the Mob Cultural Experience, what The Life is all about. Think of it as the background information you will need in order to understand your conversion. It features mob fashion, the language of the mob, culinary delights, and the rich cultural life that awaits you.
Chapter 2 deals with Looking and Acting Like a Mob Guy.
Chapter 3 features ways of Making a Living in the mob.
Chapter 4 focuses on your Other Family, taking you from cradle to early grave as we describe the great mob circle of life.
Chapter 5 centers on the Retirement Years.
Chapter 6 is the final section before the big test, with real-life stories that can open the mob heart and kindle the mob spirit in the section we call Minestrone for the Mob Soul.
Chapter 7 is the Mob Final Exam, the test that will determine whether you enter The Life or whether we end yours.
The final chapters of the book take you through the top-secret mob initiation ceremony and provide you with the Racketeer's Pledge.
Many chapters end with a quiz. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of passing these tests. It is only by doing well on them that you can qualify for The Life.
And one final note before you turn the page and begin your entry into the world of the mob. This book is the definitive guide on how to become a twenty-first-century mobster. We've taken the old-world values and rules and updated them for the information age. This is not for Mustache Petes or gavones from the street. This book is for hotshot professional college grads, young men and women who want the challenges of a well-respected, lucrative career without having to put up with those assholes getting their MBA.
So best of luck as you begin your journey. May you live a hundred years and may you never have a three-hundred-pound cellmate named Bubba.
Copyright © 2001 by Wild Bronco Productions, Inc.