Graduating From Guilt: Six Steps to Overcome Guilt and Reclaim Your Life
96
Graduating From Guilt: Six Steps to Overcome Guilt and Reclaim Your Life
96Overview
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781892005892 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | PuddleDancer Press |
| Publication date: | 04/01/2010 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 96 |
| File size: | 1 MB |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
Graduating From Guilt
Six Steps to Overcome Guilt and Reclaim Your Life
By Holly Michelle Eckert
PuddleDancer Press
Copyright © 2010 Holly Michelle EckertAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-892005-89-2
CHAPTER 1
Learning Self-Care
* * *
Let's take a look at another example from the Graduating From Guilt class. This participant felt guilty about the fact that he had needs. Universal Needs are at the heart of Nonviolent Communication, but many people grow up being told they should be selfless, generous, and charitable toward others. When these folks start learning NVC, they can feel quite guilty about having needs at all.
Step 1: Identify the Guilt
Roger was one such person. While attending the Graduating From Guilt class, he wanted to work through guilt around his new awareness that he actually had needs.
Step 2: Name the "Shoulds"
When asked to expand on the idea that he shouldn't have Needs, Roger came up with two groups of statements that seemed in opposition. The first group: "I shouldn't meet my needs at the expense of other people," "I shouldn't inconvenience or hurt others," and "I should use my talents for the good of others."
This group of needs was followed by guilt from his inner advocate, telling Roger to stick up for himself — "I should follow my bliss," and "I should be more clear and courageous about what I need and want." Just for good measure, Roger judged himself for his confusion, with "I should be able to sort through these issues more clearly."
I read Roger's list back to him, and the statement that touched him most tenderly was "I should be more clear and courageous about what I need and want."
Step 3: Connect With the Unmet Needs
I invited Roger to connect with his unmet needs by asking him, "What needs of yours are unmet when you are not clear and courageous about what you need and want?"
Roger had no problem answering. "Acceptance for my own sense of authenticity. I'm out of touch with my autonomy, creativity, self-expression, and self-empowerment. When I don't act on what I want in life, I miss out on fulfillment, joy, purpose, meaning, and direction. I really care to grow, and that need is not being met either. And if I'm not expressing myself authentically, how can anyone offer me empathy or understanding?"
Step 4: Experience the Feelings of the Unmet Needs
I captured these needs in list form and said, "I'm going to read your list back to you very slowly. I'll pause between each need so you can let each word settle into a deep place within you." We took a breath, and I continued: "Acceptance, authenticity. Autonomy, creativity, self-expression, and self-empowerment. Fulfillment, joy, purpose, meaning, and direction. Growth. Empathy and understanding. When these needs are not met, how do you feel?"
Roger replied, slowly and quietly, "Sad and tired. Also torn. Anxious and frustrated, too." We paused for a few moments so Roger could experience these feelings.
Step 5: Connect With the Positive Motivations
"Roger," I continued, "I'm quite sure that there are some beautiful needs that have kept you in the pattern of meeting other people's needs before your own. Are you ready to discover what they might be?"
"Yes, well, definitely connection. I keep a lid on my own needs because it seems an easier route to harmony, peace, and love. Not only that, but I also enjoy the nurturing and contribution when I meet other people's needs. I see that respect is somehow involved — it's like I respect others' needs, and they respect my contributions. In that way, a need for acceptance is also met. Doing what others want distracts me from taking a chance on something new, so I guess that meets my needs for safety and security."
By the end of this list, Roger seemed relaxed yet engaged.
Step 6: Check In and Make a Request
I could tell that the mourning (steps 3 and 4) and self-forgiveness (step 5) processes had worked their magic. Roger launched himself right into the final pieces in step 6 — Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests. I wrote Roger's words on the board.
* OBSERVATIONS: "When I think about doing something, and I'm not clear if it would lead to an unmet need for the other person ..."
* FEELINGS: "I feel anxious and torn ..."
* NEEDS: "because I need clarity."
* REQUESTS: "Would I be willing to tell the other person my plan and check in with them, such as 'I'd like to postpone our meeting until Monday. How does that affect you?'"
"It seems so simple!" Roger concluded. "It feels really good to be able to stick up for my own needs without trampling over the needs of others."
Graduating From Guilt
Holly Michelle Eckert, CNVC Certified Trainer
Learning Self-Care
1 What do you feel guilty about?
I feel guilty for having needs.
2 What are you telling yourself you should or shouldn't do?
I shouldn't meet my needs at the expense of other people.
I shouldn't inconvenience or hurt others.
I should use my talents for the good of others.
I should follow my bliss.
* I should be more clear and courageous about what I need and want.
I should be able to sort through these issues more clearly.
3 What needs are not met by the choice you made?
acceptance joy
authenticity purpose
autonomy meaning
creativity direction
self-expression growth
self-empowerment empathy
fulfillment understanding
4 How do you feel when you get in touch with these unmet needs?
sad anxious
tired frustrated
torn
5 What needs were you attempting to meet by the choice you made?
connection contribution
harmony respect
peace acceptance
love safety
nurturing security
6 What are your Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests in the present moment?
O When I think about doing something, and I'm not clear if it would lead to an unmet need for the other person,
F I feel anxious and torn
N because I need clarity.
R Would I be willing to tell the other person my plan and check in with them, such as "I'd like to postpone our meeting until Monday. How does that affect you?"
If you still feel guilty, choose another should-statement and repeat steps 3–6.
CHAPTER 2Healing From Regret
* * *
Family relationships can be a hotbed of guilt. At least half of the situations that Graduating From Guilt participants bring into the class (and several of the examples in this book) are related to family relationships. The most common scenario is the guilty parent.
Step 1: Identify the Guilt
Mary Beth came to the Graduating From Guilt class with decades of unresolved guilt. A middle-aged recovering alcoholic, she had deep-seated guilt around not being more present (physically and emotionally) for her son, John, when he was growing up.
Step 2: Name the "Shoulds"
Mary Beth's should-statements were concise and direct. She said that she should have spent more time with John one-on-one, especially since he was an only child. She should have protected him from two (or possibly more) abusive relatives. She should have paid attention to the signs of John's distress.
All three of these statements were equally alive for Mary Beth, so we moved forward holding all three in our awareness.
Step 3: Connect With the Unmet Needs
Even though there were only three should-statements, we found many more unmet needs. The first unmet need was communication. Mary Beth missed the opportunity to talk about thoughts, feelings, and ideas with her son. When she was not as present with John as she would like, Mary Beth's needs for love, intimacy, and warmth went unmet. And because her actions were not aligned with her values, Mary Beth's need for integrity was not met. Several other needs for contribution remained unfulfilled — Mary Beth wanted to offer protection, understanding, support, and consideration to her child. Lastly, Mary Beth's self-worth was called into question, since she wanted to be competent as a mother.
Step 4: Experience the Feelings of the Unmet Needs
I read back the list of unmet needs to Mary Beth and asked her to close her eyes and sink into her Feelings. Once she settled into herself, she expressed feeling tremendously regretful, sorrowful, and lonely. We paused for a few moments to honor those feelings.
Step 5: Connect With the Positive Motivations
When I sensed that Mary Beth was ready to proceed, I reminded her that all actions originally have some positive motivation. I asked her if she could connect with any Needs that she might have been trying to meet with the choices she made.
"Yes," she responded. "I didn't know how to handle my own pain, so I turned to drinking. It gave me protection, safety, and space. In concentrating on my own needs, I also got a sense of security, order, and control. When my life and my relationship with John felt chaotic and unmanageable, escaping into my own world — either through drinking or just pursuing my own projects — gave me a much-needed sense of peace."
I sensed that Mary Beth was centered in both the unmet needs and the needs she had been attempting to meet, so we moved into the final step of the process.
Step 6: Check In and Make a Request
At this point, Mary Beth expressed her Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests in the present moment.
* OBSERVATIONS: "When I recall pursuing my own projects instead of talking with John ..."
* FEELINGS: "I feel desolate and bereft."
* NEEDS: "I need to be trusted and to be accountable, so ..."
* REQUESTS: "would I be willing to invite John into conversation about this?"
Mary Beth considered her request for a moment, then said: "After all these years, I am ready. I am ready to hear John's pain and to be present to it in a way that I've never been able to before. I can't undo the past, but I've come to terms with it in myself and am ready to heal the relationship between us. Our disconnection has gone on long enough."
Graduating From Guilt
Holly Michelle Eckert, CNVC Certified Trainer
Healing From Regret
1 What do you feel guilty about?
Not being more present for John when he was growing up.
2 What are you telling yourself you should or shouldn't do?
* I should have spent more time with him one-on-one.
* I should have protected him from abusive relatives.
* I should have paid attention to the signs of his distress.
3 What needs are not met by the choice you made?
communication protection
love understanding
intimacy support
warmth consideration
integrity self-worth
4 How do you feel when you get in touch with these unmet needs?
tremendously regretful
sorrowful
lonely
5 What needs were you attempting to meet by the choice you made? protection
safety
space
security
order
control
peace
6 What are your Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests in the present moment?
O When I recall pursuing my own projects instead of talking with John,
F I feel desolate and bereft.
N I need to be trusted and to be accountable, so
R would I be willing to invite John into conversation about this?
If you still feel guilty, choose another should-statement and repeat steps 3–6.
CHAPTER 3Reconciling at a Distance
* * *
Ingrid came to my office for a Graduating From Guilt private session. Ingrid had moved to the Pacific Northwest from the East Coast some years before, while her mother and brothers still lived in Boston. Ingrid described a tumultuous relationship with her mother, Anna, including many periods of silence between the two of them.
Anna had died about five years before Ingrid's session with me. About a year before her death, while living in a nursing home, Anna had expressed unhappiness about her doctor to Ingrid. Ingrid arranged for a new doctor to care for Anna — especially to help her in managing pain. Briefing the doctor on her mother's medical history, Ingrid told the doctor that they had never had a very happy family life.
Step 1: Identify the Guilt
When I asked Ingrid to pinpoint what she felt most guilty about, she said she felt guilty about telling Anna's doctor difficult truths about their family. Ingrid also felt guilty about forcing the new doctor on her mother, when her mother didn't want a new doctor at all.
Step 2: Name the "Shoulds"
I asked Ingrid if she could share some of the thoughts she had in her mind regarding what she should or shouldn't have done.
"Well, part of me says that I shouldn't have told the truth. I shouldn't even see the family through this dark lens.
"Hmm, something also about loyalty. I shouldn't share intimate family things outside the family. I shouldn't be disloyal. I shouldn't publicly wash our family's dirty laundry. What seems the strongest for me is that I shouldn't be disloyal to my family."
Step 3: Connect With the Unmet Needs
"Thank you, Ingrid," I replied. "So what needs are not met when you are not more loyal to your family?"
"My need to have my integrity recognized wasn't met. I was trying to give the new doctor the information she needed to give my mother the best care, and no one saw that intention — in fact, my brother criticized my decision," she said. "Nor did my actions contribute to my mother's sense of empowerment, and for that I feel very sad."
"What about a sense of belonging with the family? Did this cause a divide?" I wondered.
"Well, I haven't had a sense of belonging with the family for eons," Ingrid sighed, "and this was just one more example of us not working together....
"I also have a need to know that I did the right thing — to be effective, you might say," she finished.
Step 4: Experience the Feelings of the Unmet Needs
After checking in with Ingrid to see if there were any more unmet needs, I read the list to her and asked her how she felt. She placed her hands over her heart, closed her eyes, and replied, "Sad, and lonely, too."
We stayed with those feelings for a minute or so before moving on.
Step 5: Connect With the Positive Motivations
"Ready to go on?" I asked. Ingrid nodded, and I continued. "What would you say motivated you to tell your information to the new doctor?"
"All I wanted to do was to get my mother the best possible care. I thought that with more information, the doctor would be better prepared to help her," Ingrid said.
"Sounds like needs for contribution and care," I suggested.
"Yes, that's right, and support! Not only did I want to support my mother, I also wanted support for myself. Being across the country from my mother, I wanted to be well connected with her doctor so that we could have an accurate information exchange. I thought that communicating transparently with the doctor would give me a sense of ease and trust.
"But, honestly, most of all, I wanted my mother to have some help in managing her pain so she could live with as much peace as possible," Ingrid concluded. We sat quietly for a moment with Ingrid's positive intention.
Step 6: Check In and Make a Request
"OK, let's see where we are," I suggested. "Think back on talking to the doctor, and let's list your Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests in this present moment."
* OBSERVATIONS: "When I recall telling the doctor about our disharmonious family ..."
* FEELINGS: "I feel content ..."
* NEEDS: "because now that I review the whole story, I see that I did meet my need for integrity."
"I have other feelings, though, too," she offered.
"That's fine," I said, "let's do another Feeling and Need round."
* FEELINGS: "I also feel lonely and sad ..."
* NEEDS: "because of a longtime unmet need for connection. The last moments I saw my mother, a few months before her death, she was just as happy to turn on the TV as to connect with me."
"Yes," I said, "I can see how you would feel lonely and sad."
After a pause to acknowledge those feelings, I continued. "We can come back to your feelings in a minute if you want. How about we finish with the request and then see where we want to go next?"
* REQUESTS: "Sure. I request of myself to just drop it!" she exclaimed.
"Wanting to drop it is just fine. How specifically might you do that? What action would you take?" I asked.
"It's too bad that I'm not a practicing Catholic any more — a confession and absolution seems in order," Ingrid said.
"Could there be a similar action that would result in the same feeling of forgiveness for you?" I wondered.
* REQUESTS: "I suppose that one option would be to write a letter to Mom, expressing honestly the things I said that I now see resulted in unmet needs for both of us. I could also explain to her the reasons for my words and actions. That might give me the peace I'm looking for."
"Great," I said. "Now you have an action that could bring you the relief you've been wanting for many years. Knowing that you have that option, how are you doing right now?" I asked.
"I feel pretty good, actually. I feel relieved about having done the right thing. I'm no longer judging myself for being mean," she concluded, face softened.
Graduating From Guilt
Holly Michelle Eckert, CNVC Certified Trainer
Reconciling at a Distance
1 What do you feel guilty about?
Telling my mother's new doctor some difficult truths about our family.
Forcing my mother to switch to a new doctor.
2 What are you telling yourself you should or shouldn't do?
I shouldn't have told the truth.
I shouldn't see our family through this dark lens.
I shouldn't share intimate family things outside the hawily.
* I shouldn't be disloyal.
I shouldn't publicly wash our family's dirty laundry.
3 What needs are not met by the choice you made? recognition of my integrity
empowerment
belonging
effectiveness
4 How do you feel when you get in touch with these unmet needs?
sad
lonely
5 What needs were you attempting to meet by the choice you made?
contribution
care
support
ease
trust
peace
6 What are your Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests in the present moment?
O When I recall telling the doctor about our disharmonious family,
F I feel content
N because I did meet my need for integrity.
F I also feel lonely and sad
N because my need for connection wasn't met.
R I request of myself to write a letter to Mom, expressing honestly the things I said that I now see resulted in unmet needs for both of us. I could also explain to her the reasons for my words and actions.
If you still feel guilty, choose another should-statement and repeat steps 3–6.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Graduating From Guilt by Holly Michelle Eckert. Copyright © 2010 Holly Michelle Eckert. Excerpted by permission of PuddleDancer Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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Table of Contents
Contents
Acknowledgements,Endorsements of Graduating From Guilt,
Introduction: Six Steps to Freedom,
Learning Self-Care,
Healing From Regret,
Reconciling at a Distance,
Mastering the Process,
Forgiving Yourself,
Gaining Perspective,
Transforming Relationships,
Finding Independence,
Liberating Your Power,
Conclusion: The Gift of Graduating From Guilt,
Graduating From Guilt Worksheet,
Index,
The Four-Part Nonviolent Communication Process,
Some Basic Feelings and Needs We All Have,
About Nonviolent Communication,
About PuddleDancer Press,
About the Center for Nonviolent Communication,
Trade Books From PuddleDancer Press,
Trade Booklets From PuddleDancer Press,
About the Author,