Read an Excerpt
Handbook of Hope
First Aid for Surviving the Suicide of a Loved One
By Mary Elizabeth Burgess AuthorHouse
Copyright © 2013 Mary Elizabeth Burgess
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4918-4157-0
CHAPTER 1
THE EMERGENCY ROOM
Expect to feel in shock.
Shock and numbness may last for days, even weeks or months, off and on. You will want this wrenching loss to go away, to wake up to find it was all a nightmare.
You may often re-play the chaos.
Expect to re-live:
- the disintegration of your gut when the first realization hit or when you found your loved one,
- the indignity of emergency vehicles, police and coroner,
- denial, hurt, explanations (any and all that leaped to mind),
- playing a role, being someone else: calm, cool, collected, or hysterical.
It was all a surreal montage in which nothing made sense, only that your world had suddenly exploded.
No doubt you will have trouble sleeping and eating.
Keeping your thoughts together is another problem. You haven't lost your mind—just a very precious person.
If you were the one who found your loved one dead, that image may haunt you for awhile. In time, it will be softened by pleasant images as they surface to your memory from better days.
Ride the roller coaster of emotions.
Many different feelings will overwhelm, one after the other.
It's okay to feel anger, relief, guilt, regret and sorrow too deep for words—but don't act on your feelings if they're destructive.
It's not uncommon to want to join the loved one in death. But if you feel this way, TELL someone.
Let others enter the pain.
They want to help bear your load. You would do the same for them. This is love in its sweetest, most mysterious guise at work.
Talk as much as you need to.
The need to describe your experiences and feelings is a naturally strong one and part of the beginning of healing.
Friends and family may be your best sounding board now. Or contact a trusted clergyman or counselor if you need objective, caring advice.
When you need to withdraw, do so.
Don't ignore your need to ventilate, but, at times you must find a retreat, your own special sanctum, to sob, yell, beat your breast—or just be alone.
It's not unusual if all you feel right now is numb. You can let other feelings back in when it's safer to deal with them.
Crying is good for the soul—and the body.
It's believed tears release some of the body's negative chemicals when it is experiencing pain or stress.
Don't be concerned about what other think. Crying is one of the healthiest ways to vent your feelings.
If you think you'll never stop, remember that you have the rest of your life to weep. You don't have to do it all today, this moment.
Visit your doctor.
Use medication if you really need it, especially to sleep or soothe the stomach, but only temporarily and only with the advice of a physician.
Avoid or reduce usage of other chemicals.
Alcohol, caffeine or nicotine may temporarily numb, but they ultimately interfere with the body's own healing mechanism.
And, of course, NO illegal drugs.
Make extra allowance for yourself.
Especially if this is the first major loss in your life, you will feel in an altered state. Realize that the worst has already happened to you.
Others deeply acquainted with grief may be helpful, but each loss is unique. If what people suggest is not healing, disregard their advice.
On the other hand, try to be open to any suggestions that may ease your distress.
Eat something, even if you haven't an appetite.
But do so gently. Eat small amounts at a time, perhaps more frequently than usual.
The so-called soft foods—gelatin, puddings, bland soups, toast, potatoes, pasta, fruits—are easiest to digest. Avoid fatty and highly seasoned foods, except in wee quantities.
Yes, chicken soup is good for more than the soul.
Allow God's love to fill you, surround you, uplift you.
Such love comes directly, or through the care, concern and prayers of others. Lean into and on it.
Use the words that are comfortable for you.
They may be "committed suicide," "took his life," or, simply, "died." (Committing suicide sounds too much like committing murder—which it is. Your loved one was both victim and killer, an unhappy thought. At some point, you may want to try to understand why this is the most complicated and devastating of griefs.)
In the long run it is not healing to make up a story about accident or illness (other than depression) taking your loved one's life. Be truthful with others and you will be able to be truthful with yourself.
Repeat your story as often as necessary.
Talking makes it real. Eventually, you will not have to re-live every detail.
Ask "Why?" but don't expect answers.
Not yet. Avoid ruminating. Thinking too much results in a cycle of frustration.
Avoid blaming yourself. This act was your loved one's decision, not yours.
If children or teenagers are among the survivors, seek professional help.
Many experts believe suicide is the most devastating death to encounter. Its after-effects on adults, let alone children, can be lifelong. Though they may appear to be handling the grief well now, children and teens can enter a stage of denial from which it is difficult to emerge. They need to be able to talk about the death freely to prevent wounds from causing later emotional problems.
And you need to separate your grief from theirs.
However, if the news is given honestly and sensitively, a child's wisdom may be healing for others. One four-year old, after pondering the news that her father's best friend had died (she'd made a get-well card while he was sick), said simply, "He couldn't live anymore."
The fear you may feel is normal.
You face many unknowns just now. Deal with them one at a time as you are able.
Most problems can be postponed for awhile. When you are able to face things with clearer thinking, you will find people ready to help you through many of the things that now loom over you.
Breathe deeply.
This relieves tension and fills you with a life force. Lie flat, place one hand on your abdomen, the other on your chest.
Let air slowly fill your body so that your abdomen rises. Air will automatically inflate your lungs.
Release the air very slowly and easily. (This is the way babies breathe, totally relaxed.)
Repeat several times, letting tension ooze from the muscles of your arms, your neck and shoulders, your back, your front.
Shame and embarrassment may accompany the mixture of emotions you feel.
This is because the view of society-at-large seems to be that suicide is a cowardly, selfish, even unforgiveable act.
Taking his or her life did not make your loved one a bad person, only a very depressed one.
Understand that no one takes his or her own life on a whim. A long and agonizing struggle precedes the act, whether it is for days or months or hours.
In the midst of unfathomable pain, it can take great courage and strength to resolve that struggle whether one decides to end the pain or allow it to continue.
Shock recurs over and over.
Every time you wake up forgetting for a brief moment that something terrible has happened, you get hit in the face the gut, the heart with the awful realization that your loved one is gone, truly gone.
In time, the shock will be replaced by numbness and sorrow that too are part of the process.
Celebrate your loved one's life.
If possible, at the funeral or memorial service have a memoribilia table with pictures and items showing the miracle of this precious life, however long or short it was.
You can invite friends and family to your home for a similar celebration if the service is past. Reminiscing about happier times in your loved one's life can be therapeutic for everyone.
You may want to postpone this event to a later time. However, it will likely be most helpful soon after the death, surely before the first anniversary. (See "Recovery" and "Recuperation.")
Pray, even if you've never prayed before.
If, when you learned of your loved one's suicide, you said, "Oh, my God!" from the depths of your soul, you prayed.
Now, simply ask God for what you need—sleep, peace of mind, support, understanding, comfort—and wait for God to give it to you.
If you can't pray, ask others to pray for you.
CHAPTER 2
THE RECOVERY ROOM
You've had major surgery.
Stay in the recovery room as long as you need to. Alternate periods of rest and activity frequently. Five minutes of rest every hour or two may do more good than a prolonged sleep.
Numbness may alternate with periods of intense emotion.
Reality is sinking down to many levels of consciousness. You may still expect to see your loved one walk in the door, yet you just as surely realize this will never be.
Such awareness brings intense pain and discomfort, perhaps periods of despondency along with confusion, anger, guilt.
In time, the intensity of these feelings will decrease, but by all means seek professional help if your distress continues.
Listen to others.
But don't expect their advice to always fit how you grieve because each person grieves uniquely. Let friends and family know you appreciate their caring and attention.
If they hover, inform them that you need space and time for private healing.
Expect to feel raw for some time.
So many painful feelings are on the surface. It's easy to flare up unintentionally at the slightest provocation.
Cool down, apologize, forgive yourself—whatever it takes to make such incidents less hurtful.
Physical work, for some, is therapeutic.
It diverts attention and releases energy harmlessly. While you are numb emotionally, work may help you feel that you're still alive.
However, if you use work—or anything else—to escape the pain entirely, the healing process may be slower.
Plead your case for adequate time from work, if necessary.
Many employers will consider an extension of leave if you explain the circumstances.
Don't be surprised if your thought processes are erratic. Keep thinking tasks to a minimum as much as possible. No one can predict when, but normalcy will return.
Exercise to release nervous tension and to get in touch with your body.
One person found that acute stomach pain dissipated when walking for exercise because the nervous energy was diverted to a more wholesome use. The same thing can happen if anxiety is causing chest tightness, muscle cramps, breathing difficulty, or other somatic symptoms.
Hopefully, your body's been serving you well, but now you have to tend it. Simple stretching exercises for the legs, back, and neck may suffice. Ask a friend to give you a massage.
Walking enables you to feel life in your body again. Walk with your back straight, your shoulders back (pinch your shoulder blades together), your knees slightly bent and loose. Step easily. Breathe deeply.
Having to deal with guilt is inevitable.
When it plagues you (as it does every suicide survivor), recognize that you alone could not have been the cause of your loved one's death.
If he was getting treatment, even the professionals didn't prevent the suicide. This is not uncommon, especially if the person appeared to be getting better.
Be careful about blaming others.
Whatever culpability exists,
no one can be certain,
about the mix of complex factors that led to your loved one's death.
Also, usually those blamed are other family members. Like you, they are hurting. You need each other's strength now. Don't deplete it by recrimination.
Avoid busy roads when driving.
You haven't lost your driving ability, but now you may need every bit of mental energy to stay focused.
Take the easiest, less traveled route—even if it's not necessarily the shortest—until your concentration begins to return.
Continue breathing.
Deeply.
Allow the world to enter your being through the gift of the senses.
See the beauty around you in people and in nature.
Hear the sounds of life: bird calls, puppies barking, lawn mowers (snow blowers?)
Smell new-mown grass, musky moist earth after a summer rain (or freshly fallen snow).
Feel the wind on your face.
Touch a rose petal, a dog's wiry coat, a baby's skin.
Take comfort that your loved one is at peace.
But acknowledge that you and the other survivors are among the living. Your welfare is paramount now. It's time for you to find peace, too.
You can hate what your loved one's death is doing to you.
But don't hate the person.
Consider journaling.
If you have not yet started to write down your thoughts, buy a pretty blank book or use an ordinary spiral notebook.
You may write only a sentence or two a day. Some days you may write a chapter! Forget spelling, grammar, and punctuation. Just give shape to your feelings and thoughts on paper.
This is a good technique to vent feelings, organize thoughts, and put your troubles into a manageable form and bring them "down to size."
Such writing will also, in time, provide markers for yourself for signs of progress.
Try on "normal."
It's not irreverent to talk about matters other than this tragedy. You will want and need to visit and re-visit it often, but trips into the "normal world" are healthy.
If doubts recur about your loved one's soul, speak to a member of the clergy.
An old myth persists, based on medieval church teaching meant to discourage suicide, that a suicide victim could not enter heaven because he could not repent of his "sin" after committing it and thus would not be able to be forgiven. Some early Christians were choosing suicide as a way to enter God's kingdom before natural death.
Today most churches teach God as just and loving and therefore reject that early belief. Don't let ancient teachings torment you.
Include humor in your recovery plan.
Laughter exercises the lungs and provides more than "comic relief." You're not weird for laughing at such a solemn time in your life.
Please keep breathing.
Get mad at a Higher Power if you want. He or She can handle it.
You can't have a relationship of depth with that Higher Power unless you are honest. But don't be angry with yourself. Yes, maybe if you'd given that one last hug, maybe been available for one last phone call, maybe called the doctor one more time, maybe this wouldn't have happened—at this time. And maybe not. If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, its road signs are the maybe's of our lives.
If you feel anger toward others as well, you're normal. You wish you could have rescued your loved one, and you wish others would have saved her. That's how much you loved—be grateful for that.
In time, you should feel free of the anger you might naturally feel toward her. "How could you do this to me—to us?" becomes "I'm so sorry you were this sick, this desperate."
Expect little of yourself for the time being.
Pamper your body, your mind, your soul until you feel healing begin.
Accept that some answers may never come, not on this earth.
You feel at such a loss because your loved one cannot give any answers now. If addiction to drugs or alcohol was the basis for the suicide, it was also the basis for an irrational decision.
If a lengthy struggle with depression preceded the death, you must grant your loved one the autonomy to have known when enough was enough. Only he could know.
Note progress:
"Today I got out of bed."
"Today I took a shower."
"Today I could eat without knots in my stomach."
Find and read some literature of rage.
For instance, Psalms 13, 22, 61, 64, 77, 88, and 102 may help you rail against this injustice which has turned your world upside down. No one has ever felt quite as you do now, but the writers of these psalms express similar anger, depression, and isolation. They can help you give voice to your feelings, and they bestow deep peace and comfort as well.
Now may be time to begin finalizing your memories.
At least think of collecting materials for assembling a collage, scrapbook, or special photo album. This activity may be painful, but it is also, as part of your grief work, very therapeutic.
Consider planning a special service to commemorate your loved one's life.
Even if you didn't have one earlier, the process of creating and participating in a special observance is still healing.
Too, the support of friends and family is still needed, and this provides an opportunity for them to show it.
Affirm what is good in yourself.
This is called self-healing.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Handbook of Hope by Mary Elizabeth Burgess. Copyright © 2013 Mary Elizabeth Burgess. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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