Healing Your Traumatized Heart: 100 Practical Ideas After Someone You Love Dies a Sudden, Violent Death
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Healing Your Traumatized Heart: 100 Practical Ideas After Someone You Love Dies a Sudden, Violent Death
128eBook
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Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781617220913 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Companion Press |
| Publication date: | 09/01/2002 |
| Series: | Healing a Grieving Heart Series |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 128 |
| File size: | 410 KB |
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Healing Your Traumatized Heart
100 Practical Ideas After Someone You Love Dies a Sudden, Violet Death
By Allan D. Wolfelt
Center for Loss and Life Transition
Copyright © 2002 Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D.All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-61722-091-3
CHAPTER 1
1.
UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS TO BE "TRAUMATIZED."
• You've been traumatized by a sudden and violent death. How is this different from your reaction to an anticipated or non-violent death? As you know, the death of someone loved always causes painful feelings. But in the case of sudden, violent death, your mind has an especially difficult time acknowledging and absorbing the circumstances of the death itself.
• In this sense, the word "trauma" refers to intense feelings of shock, fear, anxiety and helplessness surrounding the cause of death. Trauma is caused by events of such intensity or magnitude of horror that they would overwhelm any human being's capacity to cope.
• Certainly it can be said that death is always traumatic. Even the natural death of an aged parent can feel traumatic to her children. But sudden and violent deaths result in a kind of psychic injury and typically involve the creation of frightening and often intrusive thoughts about the distressful event that caused the death.
CARPE DIEM:
If you have grieved the death of someone loved before, consider how your feelings are different this time. How has the traumatic nature of the death shaped your grief?
2.
SEEK SAFETY AND COMFORT.
• After a traumatic experience, it's natural to feel vulnerable, unsafe and anxious. Your nervous system is telling your brain that the world isn't a safe place right now. Something violent has happened and, you naturally think, it could happen again.
• To overcome your trauma, you must locate yourself among people and in places that make you feel safe. If this means moving in with a friend or relative temporarily, that's OK. If this means avoiding certain places or people, that's OK, too.
• What calms and comforts you? Taking a walk? Cuddling with someone you love? Hugging your pet? Relaxing in the tub? Yoga or meditation or prayer? Identify activities that soothe you and turn to them when your anxiety is high.
• You will not be able to mourn if you feel unsafe or overly anxious. Seek safety and comfort first, then you can begin to slowly embrace your grief.
CARPE DIEM:
Let someone else take care of you today. It's normal and natural to need help with the activities of daily living in the early days and weeks after a traumatic death.
3.
UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GRIEF AND MOURNING.
• Grief is the constellation of internal thoughts and feelings we have when someone loved dies. Grief is the container for our experience of loss. This container is stored within us.
• Mourning is the outward expression of grief, including traumatic thoughts and feelings.
• Everyone grieves when someone loved dies, but if we are to heal, we must also mourn.
• Many of the ideas in this book are intended to help you mourn this death, to express your feelings of trauma and grief outside of yourself. Over time and with the support of others, to mourn is to heal.
• Mourn the death while remaining sensitive to your unique needs as a trauma survivor. You will need to be very self-compassionate and patient with yourself in the months and years to come. Give yourself the gift of time. While time alone doesn't heal wounds, healing does take time.
CARPE DIEM:
Ask yourself this: Have I been mourning this death or have I restricted myself to grieving?
4.
UNDERSTAND THAT GRIEF FOLLOWING TRAUMA IS PARTICULARLY DIFFICULT.
• Not only has someone you care about died, but the death was sudden and violent. The traumatic aspects of the death will likely make your grief journey especially painful.
• As we've said, grief is the collection of thoughts and feelings you have on the inside after someone dies. This includes the thoughts and feelings you have about the death itself. Because the death was sudden and violent, this aspect of your grief may consume most of your energies, especially in the early weeks and months following the death.
• Even much later, after you've come to terms with the nature of the death, it will always be a significant part of your grief.
• Remember that just as your feelings of grief need to be expressed, so do your feelings of trauma. Your trauma is part of your grief and also needs to be mourned.
• Keep in mind that "healing" your trauma loss and "curing" your trauma loss are two different concepts. Healing is an active emotional and spiritual process in which you seek to be whole again. Curing is a medical term that implies that someone or something outside of you rids you of your grief. Your grief cannot be "cured;" it will always live inside you.
CARPE DIEM:
Find a trusted friend with whom to discuss the difference between "healing" and "curing."
5.
ALLOW FOR NUMBNESS.
• Feelings of shock, numbness and disbelief are nature's way of temporarily protecting us from the full reality of a sudden, violent death. They help us survive our early grief.
• We often think, "I will wake up and this will not have happened." Mourning can feel like being in a dream.
• Your emotions need time to catch up with what your mind has been told.
• Even after you have moved beyond these initial feelings, don't be surprised if they reemerge. Birthdays, holidays and anniversaries often trigger these normal and necessary feelings.
• Trauma loss often goes beyond what we consider "normal" shock. In fact, you may experience what is called "psychic numbing" — the deadening or shutting off of emotions. Your sense that "this isn't happening to me" may persist for months, sometimes even years. Don't set rigid expectations for yourself and your ability to function "normally" in the world around you.
• Think of shock and numbness as a bandage that your psyche has placed over your wound. The bandage protects the wound until it becomes less open and raw. Only after healing has begun and a scab forms is the bandage removed and the wound openly exposed to the world.
CARPE DIEM:
If you're feeling numb, cancel any commitments that require concentration and decision-making. Allow yourself time to regroup.
6.
STAY IN TOUCH WITH YOUR FEELINGS.
• You will probably feel many different feelings in the coming weeks and months. You may feel, among other things, numb, angry, guilty, afraid, confused and, of course, deeply sad. Sometimes these feelings follow each other within a short period of time or they may occur simultaneously.
• As strange as some of these emotions may seem to you, they are normal. Your feelings are what they are. They are not right or wrong, they simply are.
• Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling without judging yourself.
• Stay in touch with your feelings by leaning into them when you are ready. If you feel angry, for example, allow yourself to feel and think through this anger. Don't suppress it or distract yourself from it. Instead, acknowledge your feelings and give them voice. Tell a friend, "I feel so mad today because ..." or write in your journal, "I feel such regret that ..."
• Learning to name your feelings will help you tame them. As Shakespeare's Macbeth reminded us, "Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart, and bids it break."
CARPE DIEM:
Using old magazines, clip images that capture the many feelings you've been having since the death. Make a "feelings collage" on poster board and display it somewhere you'll be able to reflect on it.
7.
CONSIDER YOURSELF IN "EMOTIONAL INTENSIVE CARE."
• Something catastrophic has happened in your life. Something assaulting to the very core of your being. Something excruciatingly painful.
• Your spirit has been deeply injured. Just as your body could not be expected to recover immediately from a brutal attack, neither can your psyche.
• Imagine that you've suffered a severe physical injury and are in your hospital's intensive care unit. Your friends and family surround you with their presence and love. The medical staff attends to you constantly. Your body rests and recovers.
• This is the kind of care you need and deserve right now. The blow you have suffered is no less devastating than this imagined physical injury. Allow others to take care of you. Ask for their help. Give yourself as much resting time as possible. Take time off work. Let household chores slide. In the early weeks and months after the death, don't expect — indeed, don't try — to carry on with your normal routine.
CARPE DIEM:
Close your eyes and imagine yourself in "emotional intensive care." Where are you? What kind of care are you receiving? From whom? Arrange a weekend or a week of the emotional and spiritual intensive care you most need.
8.
BE AWARE THAT YOUR GRIEF AFFECTS YOUR BODY, HEART, SOCIAL SELF AND SPIRIT.
• Grief is physically demanding. This is especially true with traumatic grief. Your body responds to the stress of the encounter and the immune system can weaken. You may be more susceptible to illness and physical discomforts. You may also feel lethargic, weak or highly fatigued. You may not be sleeping well and you may have no appetite. Your stomach may hurt. Your chest may ache.
• The emotional toll of grief is complex and painful. You may feel many different feelings, and those feelings can shift and blur over time.
• Bereavement naturally results in social discomfort. Friends and family may withdraw from you, leaving you isolated and unsupported.
• You may ask yourself, "Why go on living?" "Will my life have meaning now?" "Where is God in this?" Spiritual questions such as these are natural and necessary but also draining.
• Basically, your grief may affect every aspect of your life. Nothing may feel "normal" right now. If this is true for you, don't be alarmed. Just trust that in time, you will find peace and comfort again.
CARPE DIEM:
If you've felt physically affected by your grief, see a doctor this week. Sometimes it's comforting to receive a clean bill of health. Or, if you need some physical care, get it. Remember, your body is sometimes smarter than your head; it will let you know you have "special needs."
9.
ALLOW FOR FEELINGS OF UNFINISHED BUSINESS.
• Sudden death often brings about feelings of unfinished business. Things we never did, things we didn't get to say, things we wish we hadn't said.
• Allow yourself to think and feel through these "if onlys." You may never be able to fully resolve these issues, but if you permit yourself to mourn them, you will be become reconciled to them.
• Is there something you wanted to say to the person who died but never did? Write her a letter that openly expresses your thoughts and feelings.
CARPE DIEM:
Perhaps the person who died left some task incomplete. Finish it on her behalf.
10.
BE COMPASSIONATE WITH YOURSELF.
• The journey through traumatic grief is a long and especially difficult one — maybe the most difficult life offers. It is also a journey for which there is no preparation.
• Be compassionate with yourself as you encounter traumatic thoughts and feelings. Do what you have to do to survive the coming weeks and months.
• Don't judge yourself or try to set a particular course for healing. You are NOT going crazy and there is no one right way to do this.
• When you were a child your parents probably told you that if you got lost, you should stay put. Don't go anywhere. Wait. Wait and call out for help. This is also good advice for grieving.
• Let your grief journey be what it is. And let yourself — your new, grieving self — be who you are.
CARPE DIEM:
Share some quiet time with someone wonderful in your life. Let that person know how important he is to you.
11.
TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF.
• Good self-care is nurturing and necessary for mourners, yet it's something many of us completely overlook.
• Try very hard to eat well and get adequate rest. Lay your body down 2-3 times a day for 20-30 minutes, even if you don't sleep. I know — you probably don't care very much about eating well right now, and you may be sleeping poorly. But taking care of yourself is truly one way to fuel healing and to begin to embrace life again.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Healing Your Traumatized Heart by Allan D. Wolfelt. Copyright © 2002 Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D.. Excerpted by permission of Center for Loss and Life Transition.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Contents
Also by Alan Wolfelt:,Title Page,
Copyright Page,
Dedication,
INTRODUCTION,
1. - UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS TO BE "TRAUMATIZED.",
2. - SEEK SAFETY AND COMFORT.,
3. - UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GRIEF AND MOURNING.,
4. - UNDERSTAND THAT GRIEF FOLLOWING TRAUMA IS PARTICULARLY DIFFICULT.,
5. - ALLOW FOR NUMBNESS.,
6. - STAY IN TOUCH WITH YOUR FEELINGS.,
7. - CONSIDER YOURSELF IN "EMOTIONAL INTENSIVE CARE.",
8. - BE AWARE THAT YOUR GRIEF AFFECTS YOUR BODY, HEART, SOCIAL SELF AND SPIRIT.,
9. - ALLOW FOR FEELINGS OF UNFINISHED BUSINESS.,
10. - BE COMPASSIONATE WITH YOURSELF.,
11. - TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF.,
12. - DON'T TAKE ON ADDITIONAL STRESSES RIGHT NOW.,
13. - MAKE AN INVENTORY OF SURVIVAL STRATEGIES.,
14. - LOOK TO THOSE WHO MODEL HOPE AND HEALING.,
15. - BELIEVE IN YOUR CAPACITY TO HEAL.,
16. - BE PROACTIVE IN YOUR JOURNEY THROUGH GRIEF.,
17. - USE LANGUAGE THAT EMPOWERS YOU.,
18. - EMBRACE YOUR SPIRITUALITY.,
19. - UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING,
20. - UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING,
21. - UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING,
22. - UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING,
23. - UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING,
24. - UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING,
25. - KNOW THAT GRIEF DOES NOT PROCEED IN ORDERLY, PREDICTABLE "STAGES.",
26. - DON'T EXPECT YOURSELF TO MOURN OR HEAL IN A CERTAIN WAY OR IN A CERTAIN TIME.,
27. - EMBRACE THE UNIQUENESS OF YOUR GRIEF.,
28. - ACCEPT THAT THERE MAY BE NO ANSWERS.,
29. - BE AWARE OF "GRIEF OVERLOAD.",
30. - FIND WAYS TO UNDERSTAND AND COME TO THE LIMITS OF YOUR GUILT.,
31. - CRY.,
32. - BE HONEST WITH THE CHILDREN WHO MOURN.,
33. - IF YOU WEREN'T ABLE TO SEE THE BODY, FIND OTHER WAYS TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE REALITY OF THE DEATH.,
34. - IF YOU SAW THE BODY AND ITS INJURIES, ALLOW YOURSELF TIME TO CONJURE UP HAPPIER MEMORIES.,
35. - IF YOU'RE AFRAID, FIND WAYS TO FEEL SAFER.,
36. - IF YOU ARE ANGRY, FIND APPROPRIATE WAYS TO EXPRESS YOUR ANGER.,
37. - IF THE DEATH WAS A HOMICIDE, IT'S OK TO FANTASIZE ABOUT HOW YOU WOULD DEAL WITH THE KILLER.,
38. - KNOW THAT IT'S OK NOT TO FORGIVE.,
39. - BE PROACTIVE AND ASSERTIVE WITH THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM.,
40. - IF THIS DEATH HAS PUT YOUR FAMILY IN THE MEDIA SPOTLIGHT, APPOINT SOMEONE TO HANDLE MEDIA INQUIRIES FOR YOU.,
41. - GET HELP WITH FINANCIAL STRESSES.,
42. - REACH OUT AND TOUCH.,
43. - USE THE NAME OF THE PERSON WHO DIED.,
44. - WRITE A LETTER.,
45. - SEEK SUPPORT ON ANNIVERSARIES.,
46. - UNDERSTAND THE ROLE OF "LINKING OBJECTS.",
47. - IF YOU HAVE DREAMS OF THE PERSON WHO DIED, SHARE THEM WITH SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOU.,
48. - KEEP A JOURNAL.,
49. - ORGANIZE A TREE PLANTING.,
50. - PLAN A CEREMONY.,
51. - ORGANIZE A MEMORY BOOK.,
52. - DON'T BE CAUGHT OFF GUARD BY "GRIEFBURSTS.",
53. - PRAY.,
54. - LEARN SOMETHING NEW.,
55. - BE A KID AGAIN.,
56. - PICTURE THIS.,
57. - VOLUNTEER.,
58. - LAUGH.,
59. - VISIT THE GREAT OUTDOORS.,
60. - SURF THE WEB.,
61. - FIND A GRIEF "BUDDY.",
62. - THINK POSITIVE.,
63. - WATCH FOR WARNING SIGNS.,
64. - BRIGHTEN UP YOUR ENVIRONMENT.,
65. - TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM.,
66. - SIMPLIFY YOUR LIFE.,
67. - ESTABLISH A MEMORIAL FUND IN THE NAME OF THE PERSON WHO DIED.,
68. - LOOK INTO SUPPORT GROUPS.,
69. - PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THE HOLIDAYS.,
70. - IGNORE HURTFUL ADVICE.,
71. - MAKE A LIST OF GOALS.,
72. - DO SOMETHING YOU'RE GOOD AT.,
73. - REACH OUT TO OTHERS FOR HELP.,
74. - PRACTICE BREATHING IN AND OUT.,
75. - TALK OUT LOUD TO THE PERSON WHO DIED.,
76. - TALK TO A COUNSELOR.,
77. - SAY NO.,
78. - TAKE A MINI-VACATION.,
79. - RECONNECT WITH SOMEONE SPECIAL.,
80. - REMEMBER OTHERS WHO HAD A SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP WITH THE PERSON WHO DIED.,
81. - DESIGNATE A TIME TO MOURN EACH DAY.,
82. - SCHEDULE SOMETHING THAT GIVES YOU PLEASURE EACH AND EVERY DAY.,
83. - IDENTIFY THREE PEOPLE YOU CAN TURN TO ANYTIME YOU NEED A FRIEND.,
84. - SPEND TIME ALONE.,
85. - TURN TO YOUR FAMILY.,
86. - VISIT THE CEMETERY.,
87. - LET GO OF DESTRUCTIVE MYTHS ABOUT GRIEF AND MOURNING.,
88. - GET AWAY FROM IT ALL.,
89. - IMAGINE THAT YOU WERE THERE WITH THE PERSON AS HE DIED.,
90. - RELEASE ANY BAD FEELINGS OR REGRETS YOU MAY HAVE ABOUT THE FUNERAL AND BURIAL.,
91. - BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF STORY.,
92. - TEACH OTHERS ABOUT GRIEF AND MOURNING.,
93. - EXPRESS YOUR GRATITUDE.,
94. - CHOOSE TO LIVE.,
95. - IMAGINE YOUR REUNION WITH THE PERSON WHO DIED.,
96. - HELP OTHERS.,
97. - RESET YOUR CLOCK.,
98. - REASSESS YOUR PRIORITIES.,
99. - UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF "RECONCILIATION.",
100. - STRIVE TO GROW THROUGH GRIEF.,
A FINAL WORD,
THE MOURNER'S CODE,
SEND US YOUR IDEAS FOR HEALING YOUR TRAUMATIZED HEART!,
ALSO BY ALAN WOLFELT,