How Can I Be Your Lover When I'm Too Busy Being Your Mother?: The Answer to Becoming Partners Again

How Can I Be Your Lover When I'm Too Busy Being Your Mother?: The Answer to Becoming Partners Again

by Sara Dimerman, J.M. Kearns

NOOK Book(eBook)

View All Available Formats & Editions

Available on Compatible NOOK Devices and the free NOOK Apps.
WANT A NOOK?  Explore Now


Do you feel like your partner has become your child?

Do you find yourself being his maid, his cook, his manager?

Have romance, respect, fun—and sex—been drained out of your relationship?

In How Can I Be Your Lover When I’m Too Busy Being Your Mother? Sara Dimerman and J.M. Kearns lay bare an essential problem: the woman who finds she’s turned into a mother to her man instead of the equal and intimate partner she once was.

She has a day job just like he does, yet at home she finds herself doing most of the housework, running the home, and being in charge of the child-rearing, which makes her his boss in the one place they spend most of their time together. This leaves her feeling angry and resentful—hardly conducive to being lovers. Dimerman and Kearns boldly confront the issues, allowing both sexes to vent in a no-holds-barred exchange that ranges from hostile to hilarious. They deconstruct the problem using real-life examples and lay out a step-by-step path that will enable any couple to get back to being equal partners again.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781476753645
Publisher: Touchstone
Publication date: 05/07/2013
Format: NOOK Book
Pages: 320
Sales rank: 823,767
File size: 3 MB

About the Author

Sara Dimerman, C.Psych., is a psychologist who provides counselling to individuals, couples, and families.  A nationally recognized relationship and parenting expert, she is the author of four other books. Sara lives in Toronto, Canada, is married, and has two daughters. Visit

J.M. Kearns, PhD, is the author of the bestselling Why Mr. Right Can’t Find You and two other relationship books, featured in Oprah & Friends, Maclean’s, and Glamour. He lives in Cape May, New Jersey with his partner Debra. Visit

Table of Contents

Preface Sara Dimerman xv

Preface J.M Reams xvii

Introduction xix

Part 1 Owning the Problem

1 The Five Jobs That Make You His Mother 3

Hal 1: Cleaning Lady 5

Hat 2: Cook 7

Hat 3: Manager (and "Responsible One") 9

Hat 4: Appearance and Etiquette Coach 12

Hat 5: Child Rearer 14

The Sum of Five Hats 15

2 Broken Dynamics 18

The Invention of Nagging 19

Toxic Behaviors 23

Relationship Repercussions 27

3 The Sexual Fallout 30

How Anger Cools the Sexual Jets 31

How Your Image of Your Lover Changes 35

Anti-erotic Signals and Rituals 35

From His Side: How Being Mothered Kills the Sexual Magic 38

The Effects of Passion's Loss 39

4 How Big a Problem Is the Mother Syndrome? 43

How Many Marriages Have the Problem? 43

How Significant Is the Problem as a Threat to a Marriage? 52

5 How the Mother Syndrome Sneaks Up on a Couple 57

Love in the Wild 58

Domesticated Love 60

Part 2 Reasons, Excuses, and Accusations

6 "I'm Just Being a Good Wife" 69

What Did Your Families of Origin Teach You-and Him? 70

"Woman's Work" as a Law of Nature 73

The Unexpected Twist of Leave It to Beaver 74

Does Marriage Mean Less Work? 77

"Real Men Don't Do Housework" 79

7 "He Needs Me to Cater to Him" 82

Three Roads to Good-bye 83

The Darker Motive 90

Why Insecurity Doesn't Win 91

8 "It Won't Get Done If You Wait for a Man to Do It" 94

Much To-Do about Nothing 96

Men's Convenient Blindness 98

"Better Not to Do It Than to Do It Wrong!" 100

The Defense Digs Deeper 106

9 "Even If He Docs It, It Won't Be Done Right: Men Are Incompetent" 110

Why Men Accuse Themselves of Incompetence 110

Why Women Believe That Men Are Incompetent 115

Are Guys Really So Helpless? 119

Beyond Incompetence 121

How Women Gatekeep on the Domestic Front 124

10 "Our Lack of Sex Has Nothing to Do with My Mothering Him" 129

The Real Reason We Aren't Having Sex 129

A Short but Sweet Fantasy 133

"My Husband Isn't Interested in Sex Anymore" 135

Being Rejected Ain't No Fun 136

Lack of an Invitation 138

Why Guilt Is Not a Turn-on 140

Feeling like a Child 141

11 "I Can't Rely on Him with the Children" 144

An Outing with Dad-Too Dangerous? 145

When Fathers Fight with Kids 152

What Men Can Contribute to Child Raising 154

Part 3 Getting Your Partner Back

12 Clearing the Air Emotionally 163

Controlling Anger Reactions 166

Controlling Control 171

An End to Nagging 174

Appealing to the Best in Him 177

Asking for Advice 180

A Spoonful of Sugar 183

13 Getting Your Wish List Straight 185

Bending the First Three Columns to Your New Vision 198

The Joys-and Pitfalls-of Sharing 201

Your Way or the Highway? 207

14 How to Know When You're Ready to Negotiate 211

The Seven Motivations You Both Need 213

The Shadow of a Doubt 224

15 Exit Mother, Enter Lover 230

Sending Mommy Packing 231

The New Girl in Town 233

16 Cooler Heads Prevail: Making a New Deal 236

The Game Plan 237

Discussing the Problem 238

17 Tackling the Questionnaire Together 251

The Time Element 255

The Two Types of Jobs 256

Being a Good Instructor 258

Teach Your Children 262

A Few Thoughts on Specific Areas 262

"But What about My Three Pet Peeves?" 266

18 Making the New Deal Happen 271

Ups and Downs 274

Afterword 283

Acknowledgments 285

Notes 289

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

See All Customer Reviews