How Can We Light a Fire When the Kids Are Driving Us Crazy?

How Can We Light a Fire When the Kids Are Driving Us Crazy?

by Ellen Kreidman

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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780307829979
Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
Publication date: 03/06/2013
Sold by: Random House
Format: NOOK Book
Pages: 256
File size: 2 MB

About the Author

Ellen Kreidman, PhD, is the author of five books: Light Her Fire, Light His Fire, Is There Sex After Kids?, The Ten Second Kiss, and No More: How and Where to Meet Your Perfect Mate. Dr. Kreidman has sold well over a million copies of her books.

Read an Excerpt

While promoting my books on a national tour, I was a guest on a radio program that invited listeners to call in with their questions or comments. I had just finished giving a lengthy list of romantic tips that were guaranteed to light a fire, when a woman called and said I obviously didn’t have children. When I explained that I had three, she was shocked. Then, in an almost desperate plea for help, she asked, “How can we light a fire when the kids are driving us crazy?” Since there is so little time on TV or radio to give a complete answer to a complex problem, all I was able to tell her was that the best gift you can ever give your children is a loving relationship with your mate. I remember wanting to give her so much more information and thinking, To answer that question is a whole other book.
Well, here it is.
This book is for every couple who wants to recapture that sexy, sensual time when you and your mate delighted in each other, paid devoted attention to each other, and were turned on by each other. Thousands of couples like you have learned that they don’t have to settle for a boring, humdrum existence just because they’ve become parents.
No matter how ready they think they are, few couples are ever really prepared for the changes that take place when a child enters their life. We can get vocational training to learn how to fix a car; we can get an advanced degree in teaching; and we can learn to paint at art school. Unfortunately, there are no schools to teach us about life. The only training you get in being married and raising children is OJT (on-the-job training).
If you were fortunate enough to have been raised in a home by two parents who were romantically in love with each other, had great communication skills, and were devoted parents with a lot of common sense, you probably have a few more partnership and parenting skills than most of us. If your parents had an unexciting marriage, were only together for the sake of the children, or were terrible parents, your skills need to be upgraded.
You deserve a better, more exciting relationship than your parents had. You want to do better and stop the pattern that has been handed down from generation to generation, but you don’t know how. By declaring that you want more out of life than your parents had; by realizing that you have a choice; and by taking a good look at what you learned from them and deciding whether it is valuable or destructive, you can follow a different path.
My classes have included parents who have never been married, parents who have been married two or more times, and parents who were married to their one and only spouse. Because of the many different family structures existing in the world today, in this book I have used the broader terms “mate,” “partner,” and “relationship,” rather than the more restrictive terms “husband,” “wife,” “spouse,” and “marriage,” to denote the romantic relationship between a couple who are raising children together. Rest assured that the principles in this book apply whether you are a natural parent, stepparent, adoptive parent, foster parent, or any combination of the above—married or single.
After twelve years of teaching about relationships, raising three children to adulthood, and having a twenty-seven-year love affair with my husband, I believe I’ve earned the right to share my thoughts and ideas with you. My personal and professional experience enables me to tell you emphatically that you can awaken all those wonderful romantic feelings that may have been dormant since your children were born. I promise you that if you will apply the principles taught in this book and do the homework assignments at the end of each chapter, you will have a romance with your mate that most people only dream about, and you’ll become a better parent as well. Being a parent can be one of life’s greatest joys, if you understand how to deal with the challenges a new life brings to the relationship.
Learn how you can have a love affair with your mate while raising your children. Join me as I teach you how to fall in love with your mate all over again. Join me as I take you on a different path—one where happiness, love, romance, excitement, communication, and passion await you.
If you’re not sure whether you can benefit from reading this book, take this quiz and find out.
1. If my mate were to make a list of priorities, I would be:
a) At the top of the list
b) Near the top of the list
c) Somewhere in the middle
d) At the bottom
2. If I told my mate what I need to make me happy, my mate would:
a) Do everything in his or her power to grant my request
b) Make a reasonable effort to grant my request
c) Make a halfhearted attempt to grant my request
d) Ignore my request completely
3. When was the last time you gave each other a passionate kiss?
a) Last night
b) Last week
c) Last month
d) I can’t remember
4. When was the last time you made love?
a) Within the last few days
b) Within the last few weeks
c) Within the last few months
d) When our last child was conceived
5. When is the last time the two of you went out on a romantic date alone?
a) Last week
b) Last month
c) Last year
d) Before we got married
6. When is the last time you went on a vacation alone together?
a) Six months ago
b) One year ago
c) Five years ago
d) On our honeymoon
7. When is the last time you made love somewhere other than your bedroom?
a) Within the last week
b) Within the last month
c) Within the last year
d) I think sex should be in bed, under the covers, with the lights out.
8. Sex is:
a) A pleasure that I enjoy
b) A way of satisfying my partner’s needs
c) A way to get what I want
d) An obligation
Give yourself: 4 points for every A answer
                  3 points for every B answer
                  2 points for every C answer
                  1 point for every D answer
32        A perfect score. You have a wonderful relationship, and you are still lovers. You’re probably the envy of all your friends. You could have written this book yourself.
24–31  You have a good relationship, but there is definitely room for improvement. This book will enhance what you already have.
16–23  Your relationship needs your immediate attention. Find a quiet place, read this book cover to cover, and do your homework assignments as soon as possible.
8–15    Your relationship has nowhere to go except up. Keep this book as a constant companion. Don’t lend it to anyone!”

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