How God Used "the Other Woman": Saving Your Marriage after Infidelity
256
How God Used "the Other Woman": Saving Your Marriage after Infidelity
256eBook
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Overview
How did she find the strength and grace to forgive? Konkin discovered three powerful healing principles that allowed her and Ron to rebuild their marriage in a lasting way. The couple emerged from their crisis as they sought restoration together—and found joy on the other side.
Read how God transformed the brokenness of an affair into a redeemed marriage and successful marriage-coaching program. Konkin’s inspiring story teems with help and encouragement, celebrating a marriage that not only survived but thrives.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781684281312 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Focus on the Family |
| Publication date: | 07/09/2019 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 256 |
| Sales rank: | 919,260 |
| File size: | 4 MB |
About the Author
Tina Konkin, an internationally acclaimed leader and speaker on the topic of relationships, is the cofounder and executive director of Relationship Lifeline. She has facilitated hundreds of seminars for couples over the past 30 years.
Read an Excerpt
CHAPTER 1
I Choose You
I couldn't imagine getting into bed with him again. I had never worn pajamas in our married life. That night, though, they were my protection. We were at his father's house. No one knew what had happened. I didn't have a choice. We had to play the game. It forced us to be together. This is where, in hindsight, I saw God's hand in my greatest grief. Looking back, it was an amazing gift. It was the beginning of my healing. If we had not been forced to be together, I certainly would not have chosen to be. He rolled over and leaned his entire body into me. He reached his arm around the vintage floral quilt that covered me and pulled me in close. The blanket felt scratchy; I was glad I'd made him take me to buy pajamas. I could not fathom sleeping uncovered next to him.
His affair made me feel ashamed of myself for the first time in our marriage and, quite possibly, in my lifetime. I had always been comfortable with who I was and especially with my body. I knew I was overweight, but Ron had never held that against me. He'd never mentioned it or even casually suggested I diet or hit the gym. I never shrank back from him when he would come up behind me and wrap his arms around me. He hadn't made my weight an issue, so neither did I. But as I lay beside him that night, the inadequacy of my body was all I could think about.
He was having an affair with my best friend. That's right. My best friend. I knew her intimately. I knew she was in great shape. I knew she must have looked great naked. For the first time in my life, I wanted to cover myself in front of my husband. I felt as damaged as a porcelain china doll hit by a wrecking ball, and the harm was complete and unfixable. Now my husband wanted to be next to me, naked and vulnerable. I wasn't having it.
I needed to be covered, even if it meant buying some cheap pajamas. When he touched me, I was still asleep — mostly. I was in that in-between place where you are aware of every sound and movement around you, when your senses are sufficiently heightened.
I heard his every breath, which was so irregular and shallow — unlike his usual deep and relaxed breathing. I sensed his every move. Those old springs in his parents' bed stabbed into me, letting me know he was there next to me, yet all the while reminding me that I didn't know for how long. In that moment, I wished I knew all of his thoughts. They were what I so desperately wanted to hear. The pit in my stomach grew larger, fell deeper. My skin wasn't sure how to receive his embrace. His touch felt familiar and yet foreign, comforting and painful, all at the same time. How could I want to push him away and want him to hold me closer at the same time?
"I choose you."
It was the loudest whisper I'd ever heard. It was robust and sure. Those three words were clearer and more definitive than any words I'd ever heard. There was no hesitation. No question. No tremor. Only pure assurance. I knew it was true. I knew he chose me, just me, and my entire body sank into his. My skin received him with every nerve ending; with every drop of blood in my veins, I could feel him choosing me, wanting me, loving me.
As we lay in bed, I felt closer to him than ever before. Only twenty-four hours earlier, I'd questioned if I even really knew him. My entire world had come crashing down. Everything had imploded. Three words, "I choose you," were what I needed to hear, and I had to believe he meant them. The thing I feared most was that he would try, under pressure and fear of the unknown, to make our marriage work when all along his heart belonged to someone else, and I would experience his resentment. But if he really chose me, I reasoned, then we had a chance to rebuild.
That was the first day of the rest of our lives.
* * *
The Moment of Truth
The truth is, this story didn't start with "I choose you." Before I heard Ron whisper those words, I thought my marriage was over. How could it not be? I couldn't in that moment imagine anything that Ron could do or say to change what he did to me ... and with my best friend!
I'll never forget the day I received the phone call that changed the course of my marriage. It was January 5, 1998, and I was standing in my home office, surrounded by cards from the man I loved and photos of beautiful times in our seventeen years together. But that day was not like any other day. On that day it was brought to my attention that my husband — my life partner, the father of my children, and my best friend in the world — had cheated on me and was having an actual affair.
Someone had suggested that Ron was having an affair, and that day, over the phone, was the day that I had to ask him that dreaded question.
"Is it true? Is it? Tell me it's not true."
"Yes, it's true."
With these three words, life as I knew it was over.
"With her?"
"Yes. With her."
"My best friend?"
"Yes, it's true ..." His voice dropped.
My heart sank, and I prayed I was in a nightmare. I prayed this was just a disgusting dream. I prayed that I could erase this day forever. I had to sit down.
I had experienced horrible dreams before during those PMS times when hormones go crazy. I would dream that Ron was leaving me or had died, but then I would roll over and wake him up. He was always so good. He would wake up every time and comfort me. He would hold me tight and whisper gently in my ear that he was right there and going nowhere. Oh, how I prayed that this was just another one of those PMS dreams. But no, this time I was wide-awake and it was all very real.
The doorbell rang, and I had to snap back to another reality.
"I have to go."
"What?"
"I have to go, Ron."
A Divine Distraction
I hung up the phone, not out of anger or any other emotion, but because the doorbell was ringing. My thoughts became matter-of-fact. Answer the door. That's what you do when someone is at the door. You answer it. I just had to answer the door. One foot in front of the other, I began to walk toward it.
Suddenly, as I stood at the top of the stairs facing the door with my hand outstretched to open it, I felt God stop me. I heard that still, small voice inside say: Don't open that door — the door to divorce. If he walks out that door, let it not be because you opened it for him. That will be on him. He will make the decision to stay or go. It will not be because you kicked him out. Everything in me was screaming bloody murder. I was sure Ron wouldn't need to walk out the door — I'd be waiting with a gun! He didn't have to worry about me divorcing him; he had to worry about the vow I had made that only death would separate us ...
I shook my head, trying to clear that image from my mind. At that moment, I was in no place to hear from God.
The doorbell rang again. Previously I had advertised my car for sale and agreed to show it, but that was before I knew my life was falling apart.
That was before the instant I had learned my entire world was crashing down.
I opened the door. The poor guy — he had no clue what he was dealing with. The man had the friendliest disposition, and he immediately started in with small talk. I wanted to yell at him for being happy. He thought it was important to tell me that, though his drive had taken more than an hour, "It was a beautiful day, and the rain had stopped." Did he think I really cared?
His sixteen-year-old daughter looked even happier. It was a father-daughter date, and he was buying her a car. Father-daughter date. I knew all about those; after all, Ron had prided himself on being a great father. I wondered what his daughter would think of her "perfect" dad now! My head was still pounding from the words "Yes, it's true," but I managed to hand the man the keys so he could test-drive the car.
I was in a slow-motion sequence — the minutes ticked away like hours. Finally, the man and his daughter returned from the test drive, and he started walking around the car. We stood in the driveway. It took him forever to make a decision. My "inside" voice was so loud, I thought he surely could hear me saying: Quit hemming and hawing. Do you want to buy the car or not? It's a car. Just a stupid car. It's gold and has four doors and four wheels, and it drives. It will never cheat on you or hurt you or make you feel like your whole life is a lie. It's a car. Do you want it or not? Forget it. Forget it; it's not for sale. Forget the whole thing. If you can't make one stupid little decision like buying a stupid car, then I don't want you to have it anyway.
"I'll take it," the man said.
"Great. It's a good little car. I think your daughter will like it."
Looking back, I know that this man didn't just haphazardly ring my doorbell. In fact, I know that it was a divine appointment, a divine distraction. I added this story of selling a car during a crisis to highlight the following lesson.
Watch for God
It was just a black rubber bracelet worth maybe fifty cents, the kind kids receive at Bible camp. It was worthless, but the message it bore remained priceless: Watch for God. That bracelet reminded the wearer that, even in the mundane, ordinary things of our lives, God speaks ... if we will only tune in to hear Him. I remembered that bracelet and the lesson it contained for years.
Watch for God. I want you to write these three words somewhere you will see them often, preferably several times a day. Write them on a sticky note and put it on your refrigerator door, on your bathroom mirror, on the wall behind your sink.
The simplicity of answering that door changed my mind-set and how I subsequently reacted to my husband. If I had stayed on the phone another minute, our conversation wouldn't have ended well. God knew my toxic thoughts needed an interruption, and He used a simple doorbell to break the shock of what I was hearing. It was almost like when a hypnotist snaps his fingers, and the people who seconds before were under his "spell" immediately snap back to reality. In this case the doorbell snapped me out of the drama and trauma and into the mundane. It was exactly what needed to happen. God will use anything and everything to our advantage, as it says in Romans 8:28: "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."
I've included this story so you can understand how God orchestrates every part of our lives. Every appointment can be divine if you are only open to seeing it that way. God will use what we allow Him to use, and He will intervene because He loves us in spite of the mess we find ourselves in or the mess we make. For me, answering the doorbell that day was a divine intervention. After this, watching for God became a way of life for me, and I know it can become a way of life for you as well!
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "How God Used "the Other Woman""
by .
Copyright © 2019 Tina Konkin.
Excerpted by permission of Tyndale House Publishers.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Fighting Your Way out of the Nightmare xi
Part 1 Reveal
1 I Choose You 3
2 Back to the Nightmare 11
3 Mirror, Mirror on the Wall 23
4 It's a Not-So-Wonderful Life 35
5 Spiritual Damage 51
Part 2 Rewrite
6 It's Time to Rewrite 63
7 Guarding against a Hard Heart 77
8 Starring Over 97
9 Rules of Engagement 113
10 Moving On 123
11 Protecting Your Kids 131
Part 3 Renew
12 A New Perspective 151
13 Living above the Line 167
14 I Get To … 179
15 R3 for Life 187
16 Heartbreak Hill 193
17 Let's Put It in Gear 209
18 Building a Loving Legacy 219
Acknowledgments 229
Notes 233
About the Author 235