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How to Be Your Own Therapist
A Step-By-Step Guide to Building a Competent, Confident Life
By Patricia Farrell The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
Copyright © 2003Patricia Farrell
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-07-141584-2
Excerpt
CHAPTER 1
Seeking the Answers Within or Without
Things do not change; we change.
Henry David Thoreau
What's been on your mind lately? Has something been bugging you, tugging at you, getting stuck in your consciousness and refusing to let go? Maybe something's getting to you about a relationship you're in: you're tired of the craziness of being with someone who doesn't seem to want to be with you—you're at the point where you want a partner who really wants you. Or perhaps you're tired of taking care of someone when what you really want is a true equal who can meet the ups and downs of life head-on with you.
Maybe you're ready for a change in the communication, the conflict, or the chaos in the relationship. Then again, perhaps it's work that's getting to you. You no longer feel like tolerating a boss who talks down to you, takes credit for your work, chastises you like a toddler when you make a mistake, or simply ignores your contributions—and you're fed up with yourself because you do tolerate it. You know you could be more successful, yet every time you seem close to that big achievement, somehow something goes wrong. It might be your family, a great bunch of people, but too close for comfort; or they're more distant than you'd like. Or maybe they're mixed-up, a crazy collection of oddballs who would never have chosen to know each other if your parents hadn't gotten together all those years ago (and then there's that whole area, one you're not even going close to!).
Here's the reality: I can't know what's going on in your life, but I can be pretty sure of one thing. You want a more satisfying life, happier or easier or more successful relationships, a better job or a greater sense of accomplishment from the work you already do, and less stress or more pleasure in your family life. In other words, there's something about your life that you want to change. Let me reassure you that if anything I've just said rings true for you, it doesn't signify a problem. Instead, it just makes you like 99 percent of the rest of us.
You're not misguided, you're not bad, and you're certainly not crazy. In fact, I'd guess that your life is even working out pretty well—if not in general, at least in some important areas. And by the way, if it's not—if things are feeling too crazy for comfort—that's okay too. You can't expect a smooth ride all of the time when you're dealing with reality. There are going to be times when it seems that everything might come crashing down around you, and there will be other times when you feel on top of the world, in control, and taking life's challenges and difficulties in stride like the champ you are.
But you're ready for a change. You're ready to take charge of your own life and quit complaining. You've had it with feeling dissatisfied and wishing things were different, even as your life continues to roll along, the same as yesterday. You might not have admitted it to yourself yet, but you've made a decision: no more standing by shaking your fist out of a sense of futility or frustration because your life isn't turning out the way you want it to.
This life is the only one you've got, the single chance you have to get it right, and the fact that you've picked up this book and started to read sends a signal that can't be missed. You're going to get it right, and you're going to get it right for you—not to please your parents, not to be more successful than your siblings, not to keep your boss happy and quiet. The key to getting your life right lies, first, in recognizing that it's your life, and, second, on accepting the fact that there's only one person who can define "right" for you: you. Defining "right" and getting it "right" are exactly what this book is going to help you do.
Before you can do either, though, it's essential that you accept that there's nothing wrong with you because you now feel the way you do. On the contrary; it's a good sign! When the day arrives that you discover yourself ready for "out with the old and in with the new," it means you're stronger than you've ever been, whether you feel it yet or not.
Part of what's happening to you—part of what caused you to pick up this book, in fact—is that you've outgrown your old coping mechanisms, the ones you developed years ago. You're also facing new challenges, as everyone does throughout life, challenges for which you haven't yet had a chance to develop coping mechanisms. Think of it as if you're wearing clothes from the 1960s or early '70s. Not only do they not work in today's world—those red vinyl go-go boots are particularly awful—but they don't even fit you anymore. You've grown, you've changed; your life is different now. It's no wonder that you sometimes feel frustration, irritation, confusion, or even despair. You're trying to make a date with someone at a new millennium party—while you're wearing a white leisure suit. What are your chances for success?
Lugging around your set of old behaviors, some of which work and some of which don't, and facing frustration when they don't, you fall into one of three groups of people. In the first group, you'll find the people who have considered seeking professional help but haven't done so for a variety of reasons. In the second group—which contains an estimated 20 plus percent of the population—you'll find those who have tried therapy or some sort of professional mental health care. Then, there's the third group: it is comprised of the people who haven't given professional help a second thought (or even a first thought, for that matter!). The members of this group would no more consider therapy than they would an elective amputation.
It truly doesn't matter which group you're in when it comes to dealing with day- to-day life and the frustration and confusion it can sometimes bring. I'm here to tell you that not one of the groups I've mentioned corners the market on the "right" answer to facing life's challenges: professional help, self-therapy, coffee, and deep discussions with a neighbor, or any other approach. The fact is, there isn't a single correct answer that applies to everyone. The question of how or even whether you should make changes to your life is highly individual, and the answers in most cases are even more difficult to generalize. You'll discover the right answers for you in this book, even as you see that the answers you come up with are right in large part because of how very individual they are.
In Chapter Three we'll discuss the generalities that do apply—and that might mean you should seek professional help. I strongly urge you to make note of them. Although it's unlikely that you'll see your own life struggles and challenges reflected in any of these generalities, it's critical that you be aware of the distinctions. It would be irresponsible of me—and irresponsible of you toward yourself and your own well-being—to ignore the fact that there are certain instances in which professional intervention is warranted. In most situations, it is unnecessary or optional, but we'll specifically address the distinctions that identify the types of problems that call for the help of a qualified mental health professional.
TAKING ON LIFE'S CHALLENGES
For the moment, though, there is a question that applies to everyone: When the challenges of life feel like they're catching up with you, or when you're ready to change a part of your life for the better, what is the best way to go about it?
This question addresses a number of factors: whether you need professional intervention, what typ
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Excerpted from How to Be Your Own Therapist by Patricia Farrell. Copyright © 2003 by Patricia Farrell. Excerpted by permission of The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc..
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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