Read an Excerpt
INTRODUCTION
Welcome – I am so happy to have you here. This book is your narcissistic abuse healing bible; it’s also the book I wish I had when I was healing. As you’ll come to learn, I’ve been exactly where you are now and I know how hard it can be. Narcissistic abuse tests our resilience and inner strength and can shatter our world, leaving us feeling broken, lost, and alone. I too felt isolated for so long, and I want you to know that it doesn’t have to be that way. Amidst this darkness, there exists a ray of hope – it is possible to take back your power and heal yourself. I’m living proof of that.
This book is about reclaiming ownership of your life, healing your inner child, and learning to thrive beyond narcissistic abuse. In these pages, I’ve integrated trauma-informed practices with positive psychology to support you in healing from trauma. Positive psychology is a branch of psychology that focuses on strengths, virtues, and factors that contribute to human flourishing. It provides a valuable framework for dismantling shame, building resilience, and living a fulfilling and meaningful life. Dr. Martin Seligman, a prominent psychologist, played a pivotal role in the founding of positive psychology and argued that psychology should not only be concerned with fixing what’s wrong, but should also explore and promote what makes life worth living. This makes so much sense to me as we live in a society that is sick and diseased, and I want to change that – this is why I integrate positive psychology into my trauma therapy. As a society, we look to just merely manage symptoms, but it’s important to not just own your diagnosis, but to get curious and look at the root cause.
As we work through How to Heal After Narcissistic Abuse together, you’ll learn:
· how to recognize the red flags of a narcissist
· why your nervous system is at the heart of your narcissistic abuse experience
· how your childhood has impacted your adult relationships
· how to identify your core emotional wounds
· how to release shame
· how to develop compassion and kindness toward your inner child – the most wounded younger part of you
· how to grow in strength and resilience using positive psychology
· how to live a trauma-informed life
· how to heal yourself and move from post-traumatic stress to post-traumatic growth
This book is your practical tool kit full of education, inspiration, and hope, with a heavy dose of humanness and compassion. It will not only help you to understand exactly what a narcissist is, but also what you need to do to start to not only survive, but thrive and flourish. By the end of this book, you will realize – just like I did – that you have the power to successfully process and integrate your experience into your own powerful story of personal growth and resilience.
When I work with my clients, we look at three time lines: the past, the present, and the future. In this book, I want to do the same with you, but taking it gently at first. We’ll start by identifying exactly what a narcissist is and uncovering those red flags before carefully exploring how your past may have impacted your relationships and behaviors.
We’ll then go a bit deeper, when you’re ready, and look back at your childhood and start to identify any deep emotional wounds within you. We’ll then start the healing process with some simple tools you can use to immediately ground and regulate your nervous system in the present as you are dealing with the devastating effects of narcissistic abuse.
Once you’re able to regulate your nervous system and understand your past, we’ll look at how narcissistic abuse can lead to a renewed sense of purpose, before finally exploring what I feel is the most exciting part of healing after narcissistic abuse – post-traumatic growth. This is a positive psychology term and a phenomenon where individuals not only recover from trauma, but emerge from it stronger and wiser. This is why this book is your lifeline because it not only gives you the hope and light of what is possible, but also shows how it’s possible with all the exercises and interventions included throughout. Posttraumatic growth illuminates the potential for positive change and personal growth, even in the face of unimaginable adversity, which we know narcissistic abuse is. I certainly know that I’ve had post-traumatic growth and, while this may seem like an impossibility for you right now, if you commit to this book and yourself, you’ll start to move toward this too.
I don’t want you to just merely survive, I want you to live your best life and thrive.
My Story
In 1996, I met a man who I thought I was going to be with for the rest of my life. He swept me off my feet and made me feel so special with grand gestures – he even got a tattoo with my nickname ‘Carrie’ on his arm a few months after we met. I know you’re probably shouting at the book right now, but he was filling a big hole in my soul, so I completely missed all the red flags. I didn’t feel good enough and desperately wanted someone to see me, to hear me, and to validate me. As we’ll come to see, these are all key attachment wounds.
When I was with my now ex-husband, I always felt like he was never quite present. Even on our wedding day, I questioned whether I was doing the right thing – my gut was telling me otherwise, but everyone was already at the wedding, and I just hoped getting married would make it better. It didn’t. I never, ever truly felt connected to him, but I know now that was because he was incapable of showing love and emotion and being part of a healthy relationship.
When we had our son, I put everything into being a mother because this was the only time I felt a sense of worth. It was like my ex-husband and I were existing together, but not really married, so I just threw myself into motherhood, which I loved. I gave up my work, even though I was earning more, which is another red flag. Then, when we tried for another child, I kept miscarrying. In fact, I miscarried four times and I was devastated. It felt like I was now a failure as a mother, too. It really affected me and I felt unsupported. Then, by some miracle, I fell pregnant again with our daughter. But a nightmare was coming and at the worst time.
When I was six months pregnant with our daughter, I found out my ex-husband was cheating. He made the excuse that he had felt so helpless as I was going through four miscarriages, and this woman had been supporting him. So, what did I do? I comforted him and then I called her and comforted her too as she didn’t know I was pregnant! From the moment we conceived my daughter to when we eventually split up nearly three years later, I never again let him touch me. I completely shut down and, when my daughter was born, I was diagnosed with depression and started taking antidepressants.
We went to marriage counseling for a while. This turned out to be a blessing because the therapist could see exactly what my husband was. In fact, this therapist was the one who told me to google ‘narcissistic sociopath.’
In 2009, we were still together but living very separately (my ex-husband was cabin crew so was away a lot) when the worst thing ever happened to me – my mother, my rock, my safe place, died suddenly of a ruptured abdominal aortic aneurysm. It was like someone had pulled the rug from under me. Where was my safe place now? My dad had never been there for me emotionally and I had one sister in America and the other nearly two hours away.
My relationship with my husband was getting worse and, when I look back, I was too dissociated and a shell of myself to recognize it. I put on weight and wore gray baggy tracksuits, and would often drink wine and eat unhealthy food to numb myself.
My ex-husband started to stay away more and more, saying it was good to give us space. I knew he would be cheating, but I was so low, I didn’t even care. I just wanted to be a mother to our children. Then, in August 2010, he told me he was leaving me. I knew this may not be true, but he told me that there was no one else and he just needed to be on his own. He asked me to tell our children, but I said no. I told him he needed to tell them. Our daughter was having a nap so he only told our son and, when he did, our son fell to the floor crying. Within five minutes, my ex-husband had left under the guise of not wanting to put me through any more pain as clearly I was unhappy – the classic false altruism of a narcissist.
On the Monday after he left, the nightmare truly began as I started to find out the state our finances were in. We were in over $90,000 worth of debt! I felt scared. I was now a single mother, with barely any income in a house with a big mortgage and no mother to help support me. My ex gave me the minimal amount he legally had to, as he took great pleasure in telling me. Eventually, he sent me a text that was clearly not for me, but it confirmed what I already knew – he was cheating again.
The abuse did not stop after he left. This is called post-separation abuse. Often, when you break up with a narcissist, it doesn’t end and can actually escalate. Narcissists will frequently use money and the courts to perpetuate the abuse and sometimes this can feel even worse than the original relationship. The money coming in didn’t meet the money going out and, each month, I was sinking further into debt, culminating in April 2013, when I was made homeless with my two children. It was one of the lowest points of my life. I felt so ashamed. How could my life be such a train wreck? When I turned 40 in June 2013, I remember sitting there feeling so angry that he had robbed me of the best years of my life and thinking that it was downhill forevermore. I felt like my life was over and, on many occasions, in the darkness, I thought about ending it all. But my children were my driving force and I couldn’t leave them. I felt broken. I finally realized that I’d been in an abusive marriage – I’d been married to a covert narcissist and I didn’t even see it. I felt so stupid and filled with shame.
I knew something had to change, even though I wasn’t even sure how or whether I even had the energy. I came to realize that I’d been waiting and waiting for someone to come and rescue me, and I mean literally! Having grown up with fairy tales, I had this warped vision of my Prince Charming coming in on a white horse and sweeping me off my feet, making it all better. No one came. At the time, I felt like my family weren’t even there, but I know now that this was all down to my expectations and childlike needs in wanting others to fix my life. I remember feeling so desperately alone – I could literally feel it in my bones. I just wanted someone to love me, to make it all better. When I realized that I was truly on my own in this world, it felt scary. My heart felt empty and numb. It really was the worst day of my life. But I had a glimmer of light inside of me and I hope this book ignites a similar glimmer in you. I realized that if no one was coming, I needed to do this myself. It felt liberating that I could let go of having to rely on anyone ever again, that actually I could rely on myself for everything I needed instead. If it was going to be, it had to be up to me. I had to stop looking for others to rescue me.
I started my own business in network marketing to try to earn some extra money and became one of the top business builders in the UK, which enabled me to pay off my debt. I was getting free holidays and bonus checks, but the work wasn’t lighting me up. I came to see that what I loved was helping people. I realized that there was a huge lack of professionals who actually understood narcissism from a nervous system and trauma-informed perspective. There was so much shame and misunderstanding and I wanted to change that. So, with my medical background (I’d trained as a podiatrist), I left network marketing and started to retrain.
Just over 10 years after my husband left me, I created my School of Trauma-Informed Positive Psychology to educate, inspire, and teach individuals, workplaces, and schools all the things I wish I’d known around trauma-informed practice and positive psychology. I now have a podcast called Trauma & Narcissism Redefined with over 5 million downloads and a YouTube channel with over 2 million views. Me, Caroline – the woman who was at rock bottom! I still have to pinch myself.
I feel so blessed that I have this opportunity to share my darkest days to give you light and hope because you, too, can move from post-traumatic stress to post-traumatic growth with new beginnings and a brighter future.
How to Use This Book
Each of you reading this book will be at a different stage of your healing process – from only just realizing you have a narcissist in your life to having felt stuck for years. This book is your bible wherever you are at. My advice is to work through the whole book in order first because each and every chapter contains exercises and education for you to use and implement now. In addition, doing so will help you understand that this abuse is not your fault and that there’s hope in living your best life again, or even for the very first time, whatever age you are. Once you’ve worked through the whole book, I would recommend that you keep going back to the chapters over and over again because you’ll get different learnings each time. Remember that healing is not a magical destination – it’s a lifelong journey and one that I’m on with you, right by your side.
Narcissistic abuse need not define our lives. It can become a catalyst for positive change. No matter where you are on your journey, it’s my hope that all of you will come to see that experiencing narcissistic abuse can catapult you to leading an even happier, deeply joyful, and connected life. Personal growth is available to us all.
Please take as long as you need to go through the book. As you learn to listen to your body again, you’ll come to understand that not all people are dangerous. We are wired for love and connection – and this is all within your reach.
I urge you not to just read this book; please action the exercises too, because if nothing changes, nothing changes. You deserve to heal, but for that to happen you have to take responsibility for your own healing and do the exercises I’ve included.
When you stay committed to each and every chapter and keep going through this book, not just once, but again and again, I truly believe that this will be your legacy. You are a cycle breaker, and you deserve a life of joy, love, and connection.
Healing from narcissistic abuse was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but it was also the most empowering. Rediscovering my self-worth, confidence, and inner strength has been an incredible journey of self-discovery. Remember, you are not alone, and there is hope for a brighter future beyond the shadow of narcissistic abuse. You deserve to be in a relationship that uplifts and respects you.
As you’ll come to learn in the chapters that follow, you can never change the narcissist, but you can change how you respond. The only thing stopping you from living the life I know you deserve is YOU, and this book will take you by the hand and start you on that journey.
Let’s heal together.
