How We Change: (And Ten Reasons Why We Don't)

by Ross Ellenhorn

Overview

"An elegant, convincing, and deeply humanist approach to understanding our resistance to change" (David A. Kessler, MD, author of The End of Overeating).
Why do we refuse to change habits and behaviors we know are harmful to us?
Clinician and thought leader in the mental health and addiction fields Dr. Ross Ellenhorn suggests that we're often looking in the wrong direction when we try to decipher the factors that support change. In his research and work with patients, he's discovered that it's much more fruitful to look at why we don't change than to figure out why we do. Understanding what holds us back offers the best chance of actually changing in meaningful ways.
In How We Change, Dr. Ellenhorn explains how we are wired to double down on the familiar because of what he calls the Fear of Hope—the act of protecting ourselves from further disappointment. He identifies the "Ten Reasons Not to Change" to help us see why we behave the way we do, inspires us to face our fears and overcome our resistance, and offers real hope.
How We Change speaks to the core of our insecurities and fears with humor and kindness. By turning our judgments about self-destructive behaviors into curiosity about them, we learn to think about our actions to discover what we truly want—even if we're going about getting it in the wrong way. How We Change is a brilliant approach that will forever alter our perspective and help us achieve the meaningful transformation we truly want.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780062961129
Publisher:	Harper
Publication date:	03/19/2024
Sold by:	Barnes & Noble
Format:	eBook
Pages:	391
File size:	4 MB

About the Author

Ross Ellenhorn, PhD, is an eminent thought leader on innovative methods and programs aimed at helping individuals diagnosed with psychiatric and substance-use issues recover in their own communities, outside of hospital or residential settings. He is the founder, owner, and CEO of ellenhorn, the most robust community integration program in the United States, with offices in Boston, New York City, and Raleigh-Durham. Dr. Ellenhorn is also the cofounder and president of the Association for Community Integration Programs, and the founder of two lecture series that aim to shift current behavioral health paradigms. He gives talks and seminars throughout the country, and is an in-demand consultant to mental health agencies, psychiatric hospitals, and addiction programs in the United States and Europe. Dr. Ellenhorn is the first person to receive a joint PhD from Brandeis University's Florence Heller School for Social Welfare Policy and Management and the Brandeis Department of Sociology.

Table of Contents

Introduction: The Infinite Power of Sameness xi

Section I The Inevitable Tension of Change and the Fear of Hope

Chapter 1 How I Got Here 3

Chapter 2 The Where You Are/Where You Want to Be Tension 11

Chapter 3 Anxiety, Hope, and Faith: The Three Laws of Personal Change 29

Chapter 4 Fear of Hope 73

Chapter 5 The Ingenious Preservation of the Possum's Pose 105

Section II The Ten Reasons Not to Change

Chapter 6 No Change, No Pain 131

Chapter 7 "There's No Reason You Can't" 167

Chapter 8 The Mirror of Changing 193

Chapter 9 Are We There Yet? 231

Chapter 10 The Weight of Despair, the Lightness of Hope 257

Chapter 11 The Eleventh Portrait and the Big Both-And 295

Conclusion Fee-Fi-Fo-Dumb 323

Acknowledgments 331

Notes 335

Index 345

Editorial Reviews

Ross Ellenhorn has given us an elegant, convincing, and deeply humanist approach to understanding our resistance to change—and in doing so, he helps us to overcome it. Engagingly written and scientifically rigorous, his book is an important contribution to the literature of mental wellness.” — David A. Kessler, MD, bestselling author of The End of Overeating; Capture; and Fast Carbs, Slow Carbs

“Finally. Someone who understands that change—changing anything about ourselves—isn’t a mechanical process, and takes more than a YouTube video and willpower (whatever that is). Ross Ellenhorn explains why making even a simple personal change is so damn hard: it stirs a deep existential crisis and takes great courage—we have to take responsibility and face the terrible prospect of disappointing ourselves. The great big secret in this book is that the capacity to change grows not out of staring down our shortcomings but in showing kindness and compassion to our imperfect selves.” — Hara Estroff Marano, editor at large, Psychology Today, author of Nation of Wimps

“This groundbreaking book invites you to consider the existential issues that affect all human beings, which cause us to resist change when we know it is good for us. Ross helps you to let go of the shame involved in not reaching your goals despite your best intentions, and leads you on an insightful journey to find how to create lasting, positive change from within rather than follow a mechanical prescription....Reading this book will supply you with the courage and wisdom you need to bravely confront your limitations and turn them into strengths for the journey ahead.” — Judy Ho, PhD, author of Stop Self-Sabotage, clinical and neuropsychologist, and cohost of The Doctors

“Countless self help books claim to help people change. But Ross Ellenhorn’s How We Change actually does it, not through pithy slogans and relentless bullet points, but by encouraging readers to confront their own behaviors, patterns, setbacks, and fears. Erudite, funny, and highly accessible, How We Change is one of those books that stays with you for a long time. By the end of it, it’s safe to say you’ll be a different person.” — Abby Ellin, author of Duped: Double Lives, False Identities, and the Con Man I Almost Married

From the Publisher

Ross Ellenhorn has given us an elegant, convincing, and deeply humanist approach to understanding our resistance to change—and in doing so, he helps us to overcome it. Engagingly written and scientifically rigorous, his book is an important contribution to the literature of mental wellness.

David A. Kessler

Countless self help books claim to help people change. But Ross Ellenhorn’s How We Change actually does it, not through pithy slogans and relentless bullet points, but by encouraging readers to confront their own behaviors, patterns, setbacks, and fears. Erudite, funny, and highly accessible, How We Change is one of those books that stays with you for a long time. By the end of it, it’s safe to say you’ll be a different person.

Abby Ellin

This groundbreaking book invites you to consider the existential issues that affect all human beings, which cause us to resist change when we know it is good for us. Ross helps you to let go of the shame involved in not reaching your goals despite your best intentions, and leads you on an insightful journey to find how to create lasting, positive change from within rather than follow a mechanical prescription....Reading this book will supply you with the courage and wisdom you need to bravely confront your limitations and turn them into strengths for the journey ahead.

Judy Ho

Finally. Someone who understands that change—changing anything about ourselves—isn’t a mechanical process, and takes more than a YouTube video and willpower (whatever that is). Ross Ellenhorn explains why making even a simple personal change is so damn hard: it stirs a deep existential crisis and takes great courage—we have to take responsibility and face the terrible prospect of disappointing ourselves. The great big secret in this book is that the capacity to change grows not out of staring down our shortcomings but in showing kindness and compassion to our imperfect selves.

Hara Estroff Marano

2020-02-09
An airy treatise on changing one’s ways—or not.

Ellenhorn, a counselor and consultant, has a penchant for stating the obvious in obvious terms: “True self-help,” he intones, “is just that: helping yourself. It’s an act of personal leadership and direction.” Elsewhere, he comes across as overly New Age–y: “We are made of stardust. Each of us contains the universe, while each of us is also powder.” As it happens, like the universe, most of us are inclined to entropy: We can change, but we’d rather not be bothered. Ellenhorn identifies 10 arguments that one can easily mount to resist any efforts at remaking oneself: “Staying the same protects you from the unknown,” he proffers, and “Staying the same protects you from changing your relationship with yourself.” Given that we’re inclined to remain who we are and do what we do, whether eating too much, drinking ourselves silly, or retreating into sullenness, what’s a person bent on honoring a New Year’s resolution to do? Amid the flab (“hope…exists within an anticipatory sense of time”), meta self-congratulation (“to write requires a lot of grit in the face of loneliness and accountability”), and mixed and jumbled metaphors (“existential concerns are always baked into the restraining forces in your particular field”), there are a few helpful hints for the would-be self-helper. One example is when one of the author’s numerous anecdotal subjects creates “idiot cards” to remind himself playfully why he shouldn’t smoke, and another is when Ellenhorn counsels that resentment is a way to memorialize an injury without having to change and thus, “a self-defeating way to right a wrong.” Such moments are too few, however, in a book that feels like mostly padding atop a wobbly therapeutic couch.

In the quest to reform one’s behavior, this book is slightly more helpful than a hang-in-there-kitty poster.

Kirkus Reviews