Have you ever wondered during your journey in building relationships, why the simplest processes turn into the most complex levels of deception?
The information that you will read in this book is not a quick fix remedy on how to perfect this cycle but allowing more insight on the complexity surrounding men. This knowledge will help you:
• Understand how men process issues relating to dating
• Knowing if he is ready to commit
• The many reasons that more and more men's failure to remain monogamous is deeper than the surface.
One of most important things that you will learn is that paying close attention to the "Why" will help to determine the "How" in making the best decisions for your life. I will help to stimulate your thinking to align his words with his actions. Building a solid foundation in your relationship has enough challenges considering outside influencers. The ultimate decision on how you move forward in life depends solely on you.
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Listen TO WHAT HE DOES, Watch WHAT HE SAYS
By A. H. Carlisle III
AuthorHouseCopyright © 2012 A. H. Carlisle III
All right reserved.
As the title suggests for this book, one must listen using other factors other than your ears and to watch with other factors other than your eyes. Effective communication not only means being well spoken or speaking in ways in which you can only hope that the other understands but to speak, translate and apply these important factors to the well-being of a lasting union.
Many times the problem we run into, is limiting our speech to words. As we now know, speaking can be very misleading. It is ever so important to understand that words spoken have meaning. Meaning can only come from a genuine thought process solidified by genuine action.
We have all heard the saying, "It's not about what you say but how you say it". This saying is much deeper than what we have taken it to mean. Yes it is very important to understand your partner and how they receive information. This allows your words to be delivered in a manner of consideration. The deeper part of this however is the actions that proceed and that will follow what you have said. How you say it matters more than you think.
Being that I am in the military, I move every few years from one country to another. My most recent move was from Columbia, SC to Germany. During a discussion amongst my friends, who are females and one guy, we were able to express the fact that we missed each other. My guy friend said "I shouldn't have to say it; he should already know that I miss him. Why would I need to say it?" Now keep in mind, it is completely understood that male and female friendships function completely different. Male friendships tend to thrive off of competition, conversations about women and sports. Female friendships tend to thrive off of emotions. This statement, however, is a common factor when dealing with male to female relationships. Many times a man will say "Baby, I just told you that you were beautiful 3 days ago, why do you need to know again to today? You should already know how I feel." Expression is more than just speaking and doing is more than just doing. The two actions must also align and it is important to discover in the initial stages, the needs of your partner. For example, he may need his "wind down" time when he comes home from work, meaning that you give him time to come through the door, kiss him, but to give him some time to collect his thoughts from the day. For her, she may need reaffirmation that her man loves her and thinks she is the most sexy woman ever. The only way that you can know and meet the needs of your partner is to communicate what you need. At some point, it is expressed if these actions meet the others needs.
Let's dig a little deeper as to why these things are necessary. When effectively communicating, there must also be the understanding that when dealing with the person of interest, their needs are important. It seems like a simple concept to grasp, but when your needs are the only things that are important to you, how will that create a healthy and dynamic relationship? There is no balance. I think it's safe to agree that communication is verbal but we also communicate with our actions. In understanding more about how men communicate we must know some of the reasons why we communicate the way that we do, or in some cases, why we do not communicate at all. As young children, boys are taught that showing their emotions or crying is a sign of weakness. If they show signs of weakness by crying or expressing their emotions, they are made a mockery of amongst their peers. Even our own parents instill this concept, consciously and subconsciously. When a young boy falls and scrapes his knee and cries, his father or mother might say "Oh, big boys aren't suppose to cry!" When this happens to a young girl the reaction isn't quite as harsh, with petting and affirmation that she has the right to be upset and to express her pain because she is hurt. This confusion that is instilled at such a young age for young boys leads to bigger issues later when interjecting themselves into the dating environment. In fact, this can cause emotional confusion in the long run. A man is directly and indirectly taught that the best way to handle certain emotions is by pushing them to the side as if it is not really there. This causes a man to be a slave to his own emotions because even if he feels a certain way he will not effectively be able to communicate those feelings because of what he has not acknowledged throughout his emotional growth. Now, keep in mind, these are general cases, but also common factors.
How does all of this affect communication? Simple, men tend to separate themselves from their emotional being. In doing so they fail to recognize the magnitude in which a woman is in touch with her own emotional being. There lies the gap in the communication process. Typically, when in a relationship a woman is fueled by the affirmation of a man. Now for those of you that are familiar with the book "The Five Love Languages", you understand that not everyone seeks affirmation but for the sake of this argument we will stick with this particular subject. If a woman seeks affirmation and a man is incapable (or in some cases simply unknowing) of providing that affirmation the foundation of communication has already been depleted.
As profound as it may seem to a woman, emotions are not as important in the form of communication to a man. We tend to forget because it has not been a normal part of our livelihood. We fall, we say ouch and we move on. We see our homeboys and we pound up and we move on. We miss our friends, well we just move on. This is how we operate. No intended disrespect to anyone, but for a man, we feel as though we may be linked to homosexual behavior if we show an emotional side with other men. This is the ignorance in which we were raised on and the same ignorance that leads us to communicate the way we do with women.
I was once told by a female friend of mine one of the simplest yet powerful things. She told me that when she began dating her husband, she knew he had been hurt by past women, she knew that he had done the unthinkable and allowed his emotions to seep through, only to be crushed. She said she looked him in his eyes and told him "You don't have to say anything, I understand and it's ok. I will not leave you and I will be here for you through it all, it's ok to let go and open up." This simple statement did more for their relationship than she may have ever imagined before even saying it.
Most people fear vulnerability in its simplest form. Men's biggest fear, is the V word. Depending on where a man is in his life, he will be afraid of vulnerability for a few reasons. He could be afraid that if he is too emotionally involved that he could have his heart crushed. He could also be afraid of losing that control. Knowing where a man is in his life is extremely important because no woman will be able to make him communicate in a way that will contribute to the well being of your relationship.
It is important for a woman to first, understand her man and his emotional limits. She must then not force him to communicate in a level that is foreign to him but rather in a way that brings meaning to the relationship. This means slowly building on a foundation while slowly increasing communication lines. The more a woman pushes the more a man will pull away. Knowing a man's emotional limits will allow a woman to intentionally assert her communication needs, gracefully.
I once met a young lady who relocated herself and her son from one state to another in order to be with a man. Before she relocated she stated that she had asked the man for a copy of his earnings statement and if they could lay out a budget plan in order for her to feel more secure that he could afford to take care of her and her son until she found work. His answer: Why are you questioning my manhood? After she relocated, she found that he barely made enough money to support himself let alone her and her son. Within a month she and her son were living in a shelter trying to get reestablished. I asked her why she would move when he refused to show her something so simple? Her answer: "I felt as though he was right, I was questioning his manhood and I really wanted it to work." Simply put, she did not watch what he said.
In this case, the man clearly spoke volumes to this young lady. He first told her how he felt about the position of a man and a woman in a relationship, did she not see that? He then told her that his finances were only for his information and not hers, did she not see this? When a man and woman decide to unite and create a partnership, a partnership is exactly what they are creating. This should mean total transparency as well as sharing of all vital information. In this case in particular, the woman should have watched what he was saying. His mouth was telling her that he wanted her and her son to relocate while his words were showing her that he clearly was not ready for that commitment.
Chapter ThreeThe game
I want to start this off by explaining the game, the game of love. I will use this word "game" many times throughout the book. I want to be very clear that in no way is this intended to articulate the fact that love is not a serious thing. When I say game, I think of any other game we play that is full of purpose, rules and foremost strategy. We play games throughout our lives and on many different levels. Sometimes we play without rules or without regard for the rules that exist, however we play with a purpose. When I was a kid and I played "Hide and Seek" my purpose was not to find someone and laugh and say "I found you". My purpose was to find the young lady I wanted to play with, literally play with. There are many people who played the same game but with a different purpose, to simply laugh and enjoy the summer joy of life. This does not change the game, it only changes the strategy in which various people may have and the rules in which may be regarded.
Unfortunately, love and dating is no different. People play with various strategies in order to fulfill various purposes. If we understand the fact that we are all playing the same game but in very different ways, it can help to make us more effective in our own intent. One of my very good friends married a woman and within 6 months they were on the outs. Within a year they were preparing for a divorce. Throughout the entire relationship he would call me and tell me a problem he had with her and each and every time he told me these problems my response would always be the same "Dude, you are wrong". I went along and explained to him that what may seem simple or common sense to him does not necessarily mean it's common. The way that he thinks is not the way she thinks and he has to realize that we tend to expect people to understand our actions or even act in ways that we think may be common because of our own thinking. This is so far from reality as it is from passing the common sense test in itself. I explained to him that once he realizes that people sometimes approach the same "game" differently that he will have an easier time relating, communicating and dealing with his wife.
Love is not a game and should never be played as one. Yet, the reality of life is you must play with a very keen eye and an open mind just as you would the game of chess. The moves you make should be natural yet deliberate and intentions must be clearly communicated. The moves must be from the heart but with great intuition. Never allow your game to be played by someone else's rules. The game you create is the reality you wish to live and that will be the love that you do or do not endure.
Chapter FourLoving the idea of being in love
The interest of a man is not created by anyone other than the man himself. Often times women tend to believe that this interest can be swayed by subtle acts of flirtation or even by acts of sexual "misconduct". I use the word misconduct in quotes because often times these sexual acts of favor are no more than a woman thinking that this is what the man wants and this is what will change his interest in her. Even more often, these acts are not necessarily what the woman wanted for herself. Not because she is uninterested in a sexual relationship but because her focus is deeper . Her focus is on establishing a foundation that could potentially lead to something greater. This does not go to say that a man cannot gain interest in a woman while excluding sexual acts, however this interest is typically sexually based because of the initial attraction and the intent. As I will discuss later in the book, there are three parts of the love triangle and physical attributes is definitely one. So I will not attempt to downplay the importance of a physical desire of a woman by a man. In fact, I truly understand the importance and place a heavy emphasis on this part of the triangle. My argument however, is that a woman should not seek to overcompensate her physical in order to complete the triangle, it will never work. A man who has interest in a woman will ensure that he moves his physical interest aside once he confirms it exists; he will then change his focus to find out if there is interest beyond the physical. This is where true interest is built.
Let's switch gears. Women understand when looking at the big picture, that mutual interest is important, yet in some cases, they tend to forget that the interest has to be much deeper than physical. Forgetting this concept then creates the illusion of love. This is where women dive in head first without an eye to even see the bottom. Women constantly want what they have learned from the first time they watched Cinderella, the true love story! Every princess will have a prince and every prince will be charming. He will sweep her off of her feet and they will live happily ever after. Unfortunately this is statistically further from the truth than it was even in the days when this movie was created. So gaining interest should not be construed as the gaining of love. This thought of how love plays its course can be heart wrenching and the fairytale that was dreamed of can end in devastation.
Women tend to be in love with the thought of being in love, therefore disallowing themselves from realizing a man's true intentions or meaning behind his words. The emotion of love is one that is stronger than the human mind could ever comprehend, yet alone try to control. This tends to cause conflict in women even though they have clearly heard his words.
The confusion starts early on. A lot of the signs are evident before the lies start and the actions deviate. Many women do not even want to hear the truth. I once joined a dating website and on my profile I was very blunt and upfront about my likes and dislikes. It was not sugar coated in the least bit. I began to receive messages from women saying that I sounded arrogant, that I seemed to be grumpy and that I could be more gentle in my approach. What is the issue with this? Women are looking for a man to write what they want to hear. If a man says, I am the kind of guy that will open your door, pull out your chair, walk hand in hand with you through the park or various other "gentlemanly" characteristics, women tend to feel he is gentle or down to earth or simply welcoming. Why is it that words give women the false hope of love? Is it possible that men will set up a profile and say, "I am a pedophile, I am an abuser, I am a control freak or I am a cheater?" Most likely not because this is not appealing to the person they will want to attract. A woman must remember that it is often the goal of a man to have the upper-hand. In accomplishing the goal of deception, he will do just that, deceive with his words. Therefore, a man will say what he needs to in order to get the woman's attention and what will sound the most appealing. They then follow it up by doing what they need to do in order to complete their agenda. All along the woman is still not listening to what he is doing or watching what he is saying. Why is it that women would rather hear what sounds good than what is true? The key is to not hear anything at all. Listen to what he has to say and just see if it is consistent with his actions. In that same profile, I had jokes all throughout my profile and I believe I had less than a handful of people comment on my humor and about 10 handfuls of women to comment on my straight forwardness. Women tend to look for the things they have learned the majority of their lives.
Excerpted from Listen TO WHAT HE DOES, Watch WHAT HE SAYS by A. H. Carlisle III Copyright © 2012 by A. H. Carlisle III. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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Table of Contents
Loving the idea of being in love....................10
What he does now....................22
Practicing what he preaches....................31
His own worst enemy....................39
The money shot....................45
Mental versus Physical....................58
The vicious cycle....................64
Give and Take....................69
The perfect match....................75
The house, the cars, the money....................79
Don't let his pride psych you out....................87
When his lies become his own truths....................90
The lies of his truths....................93
The Bad Boy image gone wrong....................96
Number 2 you will remain....................101
About the Author....................113