Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us And How to Let It Go

Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us And How to Let It Go

by Daniel A. Miller


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"Foreword Reviews Book of the Year Award Finalist! What Would Your Life Be Like If You Simply Let Go of Control? At work, they oversee every detail of every project and expect nothing less than perfection from their coworkers. At home, they obsess over finding the “right” person. Then, they criticize their lover or spouse for doing everything wrong. As parents, they practice zero tolerance for their children’s preferred study practices, choice of friends, dress choices, and differing life views. Sound familiar? Everyone knows the type: micromanagers, nitpickers, and domestic despots. Yet, most people fail to recognize the signs of a compulsion to control in themselves—or realize the toll of their behavior on their career, their family, their friendships, and their own happiness. In Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go (Ebb and Flow Press, 2011) Daniel Miller pinpoints the dangers of excessive control, which goes far beyond setting limits and standards, in all aspects of life. What’s more, he shows those who feel the pressure to control how to break free and reap unexpected gifts. Sharing his journey of transformation, Miller reveals what happened when he finally decided to “surrender”: his blinders fell away, new opportunities emerged, and he experienced unprecedented, profound inner peace. Drawing on psychological insights, spiritual wisdom, and the real-life stories of acknowledged “control freaks,” Losing Control, Finding Serenity guides readers through an honest inventory of their control patterns—whether prodding, cajoling, withdrawing, playing the martyr, or intimidating—down to the roots. As most controllers will discover, their compulsion to control is provoked by deep-seated fear, anxieties, and insecurities, then aggravated by anger and resentments. Filled with enlightening true stories, Losing Control, Finding Serenity gives readers the knowledge, the courage, the strategies, and the “decontrol” tools to: *Identify and overcome the control triggers of fear, anger, and resentment. *Avoid avoidance, with techniques for overcoming procrastination and reassuring exercises for resisting the urge to withdraw from loved ones. *Reduce Codependency *Become a less domineering parent, build a family democracy, and reduce the struggles with children. *Find and keep the right person by accepting who he or she is rather than trying to change their romantic partner. *Maintain realistic expectations in sports, whether as a player or a coach, and gain the competitive edge. *Free the flow of creative thinking by varying the perspective, addressing the fear of failure and success, and relaxing rather than over-thinking everything. *Delegate to and trust coworkers to reap increases in productivity, efficiency, and job satisfaction—and reduce conflict and dissension. *Learn to be patient and calmly accept “what is,” even when adversity strikes, to enjoy a more fulfilling and serene life. * Pursue your passions and achieve greater life balance. In a chaotic, unpredictable world that’s frequently beyond anyone’s control, Losing Control, Finding Serenity offers welcome encouragement and validation for going with the flow of life as it is: an ongoing, every changing mystery. Find out how losing control really means gaining control."

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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780982893005
Publisher: Ebb and Flow Press
Publication date: 07/30/2012
Pages: 224
Product dimensions: 5.40(w) x 8.40(h) x 0.60(d)

About the Author

Daniel A. Miller, a.k.a. Danny Miller, is the author of Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go (Ebb & Flow Press, March 2011), which was a Foreward Reviews Book of the Year Award Finalist. Like most compulsive controllers, Danny Miller was always driven to succeed. He graduated from UCLA with honors in business administration and finished in the top 5 percent of his class at the UCLA School of Law. While still in his 20s, he became a popular real estate instructor in the UCLA extension program and a few years later published a critically acclaimed, best-selling professional book, How to Invest in Real Estate Syndicates (Dow Jones-Irwin). He also founded the California Institute of Real Estate Education, which offered state-licensed seminars to thousands of real estate professionals. Financial success came early as well. Celebrities and wealthy people entrusted him with large sums to invest on their behalf. By his mid-30s he could afford to live in the exclusive Old Bel Air section of Los Angeles, only a few doors away from Sylvester Stallone and just up the street from where Elvis Presley had once lived. But for all his achievements and success, Danny had no sense of inner peace and serenity. How could he? He was imprisoned by his fears, anger and anxieties and thus not open to the wonders all around him. It took a long series of personal setbacks, but at last Danny began a new life journey based on letting go of control. He tried to go with the ups and downs and twists and turns of life, instead of resisting them and trying to control people and events. He learned effective tools and techniques for letting go of control in important areas such as family, parenting, love and romance, the creative arts, sports, and the workplace. He became an accomplished fine artist, a published poet, a champion tournament tennis player, a happily married man, and much wiser parent-all while cutting his work time by more than half. Through letting go of control, Danny found a different and more profound kind of success-an internal, core sense of well-being. He now counsels others and writes and speaks about the remarkable benefits of letting go of control. You can download a preview chapter of Danny's forthcoming book, The Gifts of Acceptance: Embracing People And Things as They Are, at www.danielamiller.com

Table of Contents

Introduction: My Journey from Control to Serenity 1

Part I Control and its Consequences

1 The Compulsion to Control 13

2 Removing the Blinders 25

Part II Losing Control

3 Taking the First Steps 33

4 Accepting "What Is" 43

5 Embracing Your Personal Truths 59

6 Fear: Control's Best Friend 73

7 Anger and Resentment: Control's Next Best Friends 87

8 Avoiding Avoidance 99

Part III Losing Control in all the Right Places

9 Losing Parental Control: Reducing the Struggle 109

10 Losing Love Control: Finding Romance and Intimacy 123

11 Losing Sports Control: Gaining the Competitive Edge 133

12 Losing Creative Control: Freeing the Flow 143

Part IV Relinquishing Control at Work

13 Losing Work Control 155

14 Following the Path of Truth 167

Part V Losing Control, Finding Flow

15 The Wave 187

Afterword: Moving Ahead 199

Acknowledgments 201

About the Author 203

Index 205

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