Loudmouth: Tales (and Fantasies) of Sports, Sex, and Salvation from Behind the Microphone

by Craig Carton

Overview

From one of radio's former loudest, orneriest, most beloved, and highest-rated sports radio personalities, a bold and hilarious memoir of sports, manhood, and what it is to be a fan.

In 1991, fresh from college, Craig Carton drove a crappy 1980 Buick to Buffalo, New York, to interview for a job at WGR radio. The station manager who hired him was the first to recognize his considerable on-air talent, and helped start what has become a legendary radio career. Often compared to Howard Stern, Carton has hosted a series of highly rated shows, and in 2007 he joined WFAN, where he and Boomer Esiason hosted an eponymous show every morning for four hours out of a studio in New York City.

In this debut book, Carton invites the reader to join him as he recounts tales from his suburban youth, defends his long-held love affair with the New York Jets, reminisces about the shenanigans of some of the highest paid and most celebrated athletes playing today, and reflects on his work as one of radio’s craftiest, most hilarious personalities ever to get behind the microphone.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781451645743
Publisher:	Simon & Schuster
Publication date:	06/04/2013
Sold by:	SIMON & SCHUSTER
Format:	eBook
Pages:	272
File size:	11 MB
Note:	This product may take a few minutes to download.

About the Author

Craig Carton is the former cohost of the Boomer and Carton radio show on Sports Radio 660 WFAN and the former host of "MMA Uncensored Live" on Spike. He has hosted shows at WGR Radio in Buffalo, WWWE in Cleveland, 610-WIP in Philadelphia, KKFN and KBPI in Denver, New Jersey 101.5 in New Jersey, and WNEW in New York City.

Read an Excerpt

Loudmouth


Six-oh-three—nice job, Eddie! Welcome, welcome, welcome! Boomer Esiason and Craig Carton ohhhhhhhhnnnn The Fan, and we have a great show for you today.

The first time I said that line was on September 4, 2007. It was the single most rewarding professional sentence I’ve ever spoken. I have been blessed to say it every day now for five years in a row. Some said I would be an “overnight success”; others said I’d never make it. “What a terrible choice,” the columnists wrote. “The show has no chance,” bloggers predicted. And some listeners complained that I was arrogant and full of myself. I not only remember every negative word written, spoken, and blogged about that first show, I remember every single person who said each thing. I use them and their comments as fuel to drive me to be the best, most successful radio host in the world.

Overnight success, huh?

I was an intern at WFAN Radio twenty-four years ago when they celebrated their first birthday—at a time when most radio experts thought they would never see a second.

“He’ll never make it”—okay, asshole, perhaps you forgot to check my background. I was mentored by the legendary Bob Wolfe, the man who called Don Larsen’s perfect game in the 1956 World Series, when I took a class at Pace University while still enrolled in high school. Maybe you didn’t realize that I was a major ratings success in Buffalo, Cleveland, Philadelphia, and Denver. “What a terrible choice,” they said—but did they know that I was the single most-listened-to afternoon radio host in America, or that I was the host around whom an entire syndication company started, which would be heard in more than forty cities?

I was, and am, confident—but hardly cocky or full of myself. Not when I grew up with parents who never fostered self-confidence, but instead locked me in traction to try to knock the Tourette’s out of me, or kicked me off the varsity sports teams in high school so I could spend more time studying and join the marching band. My parents were so involved in my life that I was guarded more viciously than the gold at Fort Knox.

I laugh at all of it now. All of the skeptics who said I would never amount to anything in radio. I laugh at the way I was raised. I laugh on the outside, and I put on a good show. Life is like day camp to me. That’s my personal mantra, and I try to live up to it as much as I can. But on the inside, I’m still a somewhat insecure child who worries about ratings, about when my show will come to an end, and about not being good enough for my boss, my partner, my wife, and my family.

I can’t believe that I host the most-listened-to morning radio show in all of New York, even though I know I’m good enough to do it. I can’t believe that I replaced Don Imus and, along with my partner Boomer Esiason, have better ratings every month than Imus had in more than twenty years on the radio. Yet I also believe that there was nobody better in America to replace him than me.

Deep down, I am conflicted. I can’t have a basic one-on-one conversation without getting fidgety and uncomfortable, yet I can stand on a stage with a microphone in my hands and perform in front of thousands of people without breaking a sweat or raising my heartbeat. Radio is my salvation; it’s my escape from reality. On air, I can be anyone I want to be, and I have chosen to be a super self-confident, fun-loving guys’ guy. Off the air, I’m an introverted loner who has no problem staying in the house or avoiding interaction with people. Radio is my drug. I need a microphone and an audience, even if I can’t see them, to release my demons—both real and imagined. It’s no wonder I picked the most insecure profession in the world to be my life’s calling.

Sports and radio: what a wonderful combination. As a kid, the field or the court was my salvation, or my release from reality. From sunup to sundown I was outside playing. As an adult, I did what came most naturally, which was to keep sports in my life by talking about them. The more I get to talk about other people, the less I have to focus on myself. I therefore rarely take days off.

For five years now, the Boomer & Carton radio show has been number one in the ratings, and yet I still sweat out my Monday noon phone call with Mark Chernoff, my boss, when he tells me the weekly ratings. I sweat tenths of a point. I get depressed if our lead dwindles by even a fraction of a point, and then celebrate being number one, moments later.

I host the number-one show in radio, and yet my greatest professional satisfaction is being able to tell the naysayers to fuck off. Proving people wrong is a side job for me.

Yet I live every day as if it can all end tomorrow. That being said, when the haters continue to write malicious things about me, one fact cannot be denied: I may be bald and broken, but I made it to the top.

Table of Contents

Prologue: Seeing My Shadow 1

1 Bald, Broken, and #1 7

2 Vietnam Baby Act 11

3 The Top's Better Than the Bottom 17

4 A Good Dose of Scandal 25

5 Sexy Jesus 31

6 Confucius Say: Try Not to Puke on Egg Roll 41

7 I Hate Sundays 47

8 The Nose 55

9 Put a Glove on It 61

10 Busted 65

11 Hello, Princeton! 73

12 School Tripping 77

13 If She Looks Too Young, She Is 87

14 No-Hitters 95

15 A Jackson and a Wink 101

16 Cockroaches and Old People 113

17 Radio Rat 119

18 One Lap Dance Over the Top 125

19 Room Service, With a Little Extra 139

20 Revenge of the Pussy Maven 153

21 Don't Be That Guy 163

22 Kardashian, Without the Ass 167

23 The Good Stuff 183

24 The Greatest Trade of All 189

25 Every Vagina in the Free World 193

26 Girls of Denver 199

27 Three Little Words 241

Acknowledgments 257

Dedications 259

Editorial Reviews

Since 2007, Carton and former NFL quarterback Boomer Esiason have kept New Yorkers company every morning on their Boomer and Carton radio show. In the same loud, irreverent style of his radio show, Carton broadcasts the story of his life in sports and radio through a series of vignettes on topics ranging from his father's intolerance and authoritarian manner to the night he lost his virginity, his encounters with hookers, and his ascent to radio stardom through various stints in Buffalo, N.Y.; Cleveland, Ohio; and Philadelphia. Along the way, Carton entertains us with his take on life, sports personalities, radio, and Howard Stern. "A number of people have referred to me as the Howard Stern of Sports Radio... I view this as a huge compliment." On his less-than-stellar school days: "I was as clueless as Snookie taking her SATs." He candidly admits that "radio is my salvation; it's my escape from reality... Radio is my drug. I need a microphone and an audience, even if I can't see them, to release my demons." Agent: James Dixon, Dixon Talent Agency. (June)

Publishers Weekly

It’s been said that someone in Craig’s business needs to have “POKE” – meaning they must have “Personality, Opinion, Knowledge and provide Entertainment.” Well, Carton’s got all that – and then some...a very funny read – full of juicy stories and view-points."

WasWatching.com

I listen to this guy every morning. Why I want more of him and in book form… I don’t know. But I do. Hilarious.

The Daily Show - Jon Stewart

"Craig Carton is funny, insightful, tough and a great family man and friend. You are going to love him even more after you read this book!"

Chris Christie

"After working with Craigy for six years, I have seen all 50 shades of him. It is my job to not only keep him in line on the air, but to also keep us from killing each other. And it is one of the best jobs I have ever had. So now, I welcome you to the 50 Shades of Craig Carton."

The Boomer and Carton Show - Boomer Esiason

"Loudmouth delves deep into what drives a 'fucked up kid' like Craig Carton to eventually strive to be number one in radio....CC let's it all hang out... [Loudmouth] surely will be a bestseller."

Bob'sBlitz.com

[Carton] is a veritable and imposing encyclopedia of sports arcana.

Men's Journal - Hunter Atkins

"After working with Craigy for six years, I have seen all 50 shades of him. It is my job to not only keep him in line on the air, but to also keep us from killing each other. And it is one of the best jobs I have ever had. So now, I welcome you to the 50 Shades of Craig Carton."

“I listen to this guy every morning. Why I want more of him and in book form… I don’t know. But I do. Hilarious.”

"Craig Carton is funny, insightful, tough and a great family man and friend. You are going to love him even more after you read this book!"

“[Carton] is a veritable and imposing encyclopedia of sports arcana.”

"In the same loud, irreverent style of his radio show, Carton broadcasts the story of his life in sports and radio through a series of vignettes on topics ranging from his father's intolerance and authoritarian manner to the night he lost his virginity, his encounters with hookers, and his ascent to radio stardom through various stints in Buffalo, N.Y.; Cleveland, Ohio; and Philadelphia."

From the Publisher

"The Howard Stern of Sports Radio" offers a mishmash of intermittently interesting anecdotes and biographical sketches. Once Don Imus uttered the fateful words "nappy headed hos," he was gone from New York City's WFAN, soon replaced by the Boomer [Esiason] & Carton Show. It became an instant hit, not for its sports talk but for Carton's personality, which he describes as "a super self-confident, fun-loving guys' guy." His voice on the page is similar to his voice on the radio: irreverent, scatological, sexist. Raised by parents who didn't seem to like him much--nor he them--Carton was forced to face such indignities as moving from playing soccer in high school to playing in the marching band. From all this, it seems, he developed a sense he was on his own and would succeed only by being his uncensored self. Here, he ponders such topics as whether or not Tim Tebow is a virgin, why men "used to tolerate a hairy bush" and why pro athletes should not sleep with underage girls (with specific reference to former NFL star Lawrence Taylor's incident with a 15-year-old prostitute). Carton eventually settles down and traces the history of his rise to radio stardom, from his humble beginnings on Buffalo's WGR, through successful gigs in Cleveland, Philadelphia and New Jersey, to today. Along the way, he regularly irritated bosses with his uncensored radio broadcasts; while in New Jersey, the governor at the time threatened, apparently quite seriously, to kill him. Still, while Carton does seem an intriguing personality, there is very little here that is revealing or captivating. Guys' guys may enjoy, but they could just as easily listen to Carton's radio show.

Kirkus Reviews