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Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781532006876 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | iUniverse, Incorporated |
| Publication date: | 10/25/2016 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 300 |
| File size: | 366 KB |
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Love and Promise
By Khaled Fayyad
iUniverse
Copyright © 2016 Khaled H FayyadAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-5320-0686-9
CHAPTER 1
The Promise and the Folder
His life had become a struggle at best. Caught between his longings for the place of his birth overseas and the love of his children along his side, he felt torn in half. His was a struggle that had come to be as a result of a broken promise. It was a promise of togetherness, and his happiness and wellness of heart and mind became hostage to its fulfillment. At the age of forty eight, it was an unenviable place he found himself in and from which there was no escape. The joy of being with his loved ones here was afflicted with the agony of yearning for his loved ones in a far and distant land, the ancient Cedar Region in the Middle East overlooking the Mediterranean sea, where he was born and raised. No sooner would he think he acclimated that the unbreakable bond of his rearing would rise like a formidable force, claiming all his strength of mind and heart. His life became a daily struggle he could not win, regardless of the choices before him. Still, he could not give up and surrender his life to defeat. His faith in life had given him a well of hope that would not desert him. That hope had proven to be the source of strength that carried him from one day into another, with trust that sooner or later his life would come to bear the meaningfulness he had longed for — a oneness, given from the togetherness with all his loved ones, physical as well as otherwise.
In addition, he had developed a mysterious neurological condition that subjected him to unimaginable facial pain that would strike the region of his temple and eye. It was diagnosed as Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN), whose cause was unknown and for which he could find no cure. However, there was one medication self administered by injection that proved effective in aborting a single episode. When taken, it provided him with a few hours of relief. The trouble was he could not exceed four injections per week as it presented a serious risk to the heart. Thus he chose to save them for emergencies and safeguard his participation in his children's activities as well as continue with his community volunteer work with children's sports.
In addition to being described as "the suicide pain" and "the most severe pain known to man," his condition was rare due to its extreme intensity and frequent strikes. Its cycles had no apparent pattern and would mysteriously appear and disappear without warning. At times they would last months, and at others a year or more, with varying periods of remission in between. It was an ungodly pain he often referred to as "the beast from the underground of hell" and which he had no choice but to live with.
Although it was known to resolve itself with time, it nevertheless had forced him to leave his job and forsake a very promising career. Furthermore, during the cycle of pain, he would confine himself to his home, only venturing short distances away in case the pain struck. With the few minutes it took the episode to reach its blinding intensity from its onset, it was dangerous for him to venture far. This confinement, being the very outgoing person he was, robbed him of much of his social life and curtailed his activities to a great extent. For all intents and purposes, he felt as if he were incarcerated in a prison whose bars were invisible, save for their devastating limitation, and whose chains were unseen, save for their ungodly grip of pain.
It was this state of seclusion that the Internet presented itself as a window to the outside world, one through which he could keep abreast of events taking place as well as a means of communication. However, his social use of it was limited to people he personally knew, due to his awareness of its rampant and harmful misuse by some. Aside from that, he occasionally played a game of cards to take his mind off things, which accidentally proved to be beneficial. He discovered that whereas he could not do anything to alleviate the major TN attacks, he could control the minor ones by simply focusing his attention on other activities: activities such as a word or a board game on the Internet, where he would keep very still while seated upright before his computer screen. Having made this discovery, he joined a recreational Internet site that offered all kinds of cards and board games and which he could access whenever needed. Although his use of it became frequent, he kept to himself with hardly an interaction with others, limiting its use to the extent needed to alleviate some of his pain. Even though the relief was minor and negligible when compared with the major episodes, nevertheless it was a relief.
He knew deep down that its ungodly presence that had afflicted him for nearly twenty years was partly aggravated by the struggle deep within him. He knew that much of its raging fire and furious piercing was a manifestation partly arising from the longings of his heart that had long gone unfulfilled. However, there was not much he could do to remedy his situation beyond clinging to hope, persistent in his trust of life and the tomorrow that would come to be. Simply put, hoping for the better even against all odds became his only resource.
The preceding year was one of indescribable suffering. Almost every day brought him several bouts of pain, night and day. As in times past, he withstood it all, refusing to give in. Yet this time around, he found himself more alone than ever before. Support when he needed it the most was amiss. Perhaps it was his own pain that resulted in the waning of the compassion he looked for. Often, some who find themselves helplessly and repeatedly witnessing a loved one in pain develop hostility to it. That hostility, with time, turns into resentment due to the disruption the pain afflicts on their otherwise peaceful life. Some begin to shut it out and develop indifference toward it as a means of rebelling against it. All the while, unknowingly to them, the very indifference that is supposedly aimed at the pain itself becomes an indifference that strikes whatever and whomever the pain is associated with. And who is more associated with pain than its own bearer?
And so, that gentle gesture from another he so needed never came. That reassuring touch that would convey to him that he was not alone was nowhere to be found. He longed for some compassion that would extend him a measure of kindness. He reached with his all, if only for a supportive expression, kind in breath and which would express that his presence was wanted and that he belonged. Unfortunately and to his dismay, the more he reached out, the more he found it was not to be.
He realized that his life, as he had thought it to be, had ended. He felt alienated and became convinced that his presence in his own household had become a burden and undesirable at best. He began to believe that being among his own had become fruitless, save for the innocent breath of his children — the children for whom his breath would rise and his heart would beat. The children, the gentle souls he loved more dearly than life itself — he even began to feel they would be better off without him. After all, why should they be made to witness the growing divide between their parents? Why should they be subjected to his torment, not only the physical, but also the anguish that arose from the void of compassion!
The effects on his children only added to his agony. His three children, two boys and a girl were too young for strife. The boys in their adolescent age and the girl at the age of twelve, their years were too tender to be subjected to suffering and discord. Yet they had always been his breath, and theirs was the air from which he drew the measure that sustained the pulse of his heart. He could never part with them, regardless of how desolate the day became and how restless the night. He could not even envision himself without them, without their light, his eyes would pale in vision and dim in sight. He grew to feel powerless, as if his life had become suspended in the eye of an endless storm. Nearing desperation, blame presented itself as the haven justifying the unenviable state of his life. Often he found within blame the refuge that comforted him as he sought to rationalize the failure of his dreams. At times, when hope would begin to wane, dimming under the weight of the day's hardship, blame became the lure that enticed his escape with its seductive embrace. In truth, blame serves only its own. In his case, it served to nourish anger and further deepen the divide so that he felt robbed of his life, denied his roots, and severed of the realization of his aspirations.
A folder, cuddling the oath and the pledge of oneness with another, seemed to have become ripped in two, as if the pledge, with its spirit no longer evident in the way life had become, realized its only refuge in the embrace of the folder and without which neither would be. For what is the value of a folder without purpose or need? And the pledge, whose details have long taken to alienation, how lasting can it be, should the ink in which it was stated come to face the elements alone and without its protective folder?
Even though his marriage had taken to separation, for the benefit of the children it was decided that their separation be kept quiet until the children had grown. However, as if avenging itself, the folder persisted to make itself evident in his heart and mind, a constant reminder of what once was and what could have been.
And so his life, between the folder and the forgotten gist of what it held, between the raging storms arising from the broken promise that engulfed his day with their fury, and between the unrelenting pain resultant of both, became a life of hope in seeking of hope. Hope that tomorrow would come to shine for those whom he would come to touch. Hope that his experience, both in attainment and faltering, would serve to benefit whomever his story could reach, through the word in which his breath traveled and his heart and mind rose together, of the core of his soul, in pulse and in thought.
His Perceptive Nature
With the degree of sensitivity of heart and mind determining the depth in which one may feel and perceive, his sensitive nature clearly broadened his experience as well as his vision. His deep, intuitive mind, along with his artist eye, enabled him to experience in depth the elation as well as the desolation of life's highs and lows; they gifted him with the ability to see beyond the surface of things and far ahead of the current of the day. It was a gift that allowed him to envision the bloom of the rose as he eyed the seed as well as feel the immaculate of the root as his heart celebrated the laughter of the bloom. What might have passed as ordinary and of no consequence to some, to him was significant, perhaps not as an event in and of itself but for its cause and effect and the influence it brought to bear upon the tomorrow that was yet to come.
In that, the broken promise as well as the lack of its justification, to his thinking, rendered his life to subsist torn between the world of his roots and the world in which he lived. It polarized him to an extent he could not eclipse, not with his heart or with his mind. The more alone he felt, the more his aloneness seemed to grow. For he could feel the root cause of indifference from which it grew as well as the steep divide it effected to be. Both stood against the core of his very being, the purpose of oneness, the gist of life itself and of which he could not sever himself, let alone live without.
Furthermore, the neurological condition afflicted him and ravaged the normalcy of his days. It often felt like an invisible entity with a will of its own, determined to manifest itself upon his life just like the winds of the storm on an otherwise quiet winter's day. Yet his unrelenting hope would not cease to give rise to his dream of a brighter tomorrow, giving purpose to his breath, much like the shining sun on a warm summer's day. And so it was, from one moment to the next, desolation and elation carried his heart and mind from one day unto another. Neither could undo the other, nor could they subsist harmoniously together. Thus, his became a ceaseless strife between the raging forces of agony and those of peace, with love at the heart of both: in the promise taking refuge in the lonely folder, mute, broken, and defeated, as well as in the hopeful dream of a tomorrow bearing fulfillment in togetherness and harmony.
It was early morning of January first and the New Year had just begun. Sunny and unusually warm for that time of year, the day felt irresistible with its inviting flair as if borrowed from the hospitable spring that lay ahead. Michael, with his coffee in his hand took to his back yard relishing the generous turn of nature and its peaceful offering.
As he lazily sat sipping his coffee, his mind drifted back to the day he and his wife Margaret decided to separate. They had reached a point where the contrast between their personalities could no longer be abridged. Their differences had grown into a disparity that shattered the very foundation of their marriage. For the affectionate and sensitive Michael, one of the most glaring differences was his wife's continued lack of support. A support that he desperately needed given the ungodly pain he had to live with, particularly during the preceding year. It made him realize that she had grown apart from him to the point where love was evidently amiss even in its basic form, compassion. It made him feel unwanted and alienated as if he was an intrusive burden and did not belong. Another was her disinterest in most of what was meaningful to him; Be it his passion for poetry and writing, his years long research into the millennia extended influence of secret societies and its impact on civilization, or his general social tendencies.
Margaret, a very practical and matter of fact person, could no longer deal with the unpredictable element Michael's TN condition created in her life and she decided to tune it out, thereby tuning him out. In addition, his artistic nature was one she disliked, not only for her lack of interest, but also since it could not be measured with dollars and cents. His social and outgoing personality was yet another dilemma as it conflicted with her more reserved and very private character. For the most part, her focus in life was limited to that which directly and immediately affected her with hardly a room for anything beyond that. Whereas Michael believed that people are inherently connected and therefore what one does will eventually and in time impact the other. Thus his keen interest as well as awareness went beyond the confining perimeter of his house and into the expansive world of which he felt inseparable. He fully believed that while the immediate family is a most important building block in life, it cannot be made to stand independent and sovereign of life as a whole.
In sum, the very differences that brought them together became the very cause of their parting. In the early years of their marriage, their differences complimented one another; the strength of one fortified the weakness of the other. Whereas of late, these differences became like opposing forces, one trying to overrun the other. Much like the cutting and growth of the fruit tree, if both are held independent and mindless of one another, they would become opposing forces. Yet, if mindful of one another, cutting becomes the pruning that strengthens the growth of the tree to abundant fruitfulness.
Margaret, on her part was agreeable to the separation and she did not voice any objections or try to reconcile their differences. Michael, throughout their talk gave her one chance after another to express or convey her interest, if any, to save their marriage and none were expressed. That confirmed his feelings that their marriage was over and their relationship as husband and wife has concluded to the wayside.
With the children in mind, they agreed to quietly separate and keep their separation news to themselves. As it was permissible by their state law, they decided to continue living in the same house but in separate quarters. Their east coast house was certainly spacious enough to accommodate the agreement. It was a single family home with five bedrooms and ample space. Furthermore, no changes would be felt as he had been sleeping in one of the spare bedrooms since his last cycle of pain began a year ago. He had done so in order not to disturb anyone when the pain awakened him at night. That bedroom simply became his and the children did not notice anything out of the ordinary.
In addition, they agreed their personal affairs, if any were to take place, be kept from everyone and away from their household. Nothing was to change for their children, and their lives with all their activities and functions would continue as normal. It was also agreed that as soon as their daughter reaches the age of fourteen, Michael would move out and they would conclude their divorce. In sum, their arrangement was not only amiable but also one that did not impose any added financial burdens. With Margaret's well paying job and Michael's free lance writing work whenever feasible, in addition to his investments, they remained financially comfortable
As he sat sipping his coffee in the quiet of that early morning, he found himself reflecting upon the turn of events that seemed to carry him from one extreme to an unpredictable another. Last night, New Year's Eve was the latest of such events. Michael and his family had always celebrated the holidays with their relatives and friends. They all got together, parents and children at a designated place and celebrated the occasion with the added measure of togetherness born of the caring they all had for one another. However and since their separation, Margaret has been distancing herself from their friends and relatives. Last night, she declined to join them choosing instead to stay home. Although under normal circumstances that would have been inconsequential, given their particular situation it was not.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Love and Promise by Khaled Fayyad. Copyright © 2016 Khaled H Fayyad. Excerpted by permission of iUniverse.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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Table of Contents
Contents
Dedication, xi,Foreword, xiii,
Chapter One The Promise and the Folder, 1,
Chapter Two The Wish and the Revival of the Promise, 19,
Chapter Three The Simple Gestures, 27,
Chapter Four The Invisible Reach, 32,
Chapter Five Her First Doubts, 40,
Chapter Six The Magical Ways of Love, 54,
Chapter Seven How Could I Not Tell, 58,
Chapter Eight In the Eyes of the Beholder, 69,
Chapter Nine Define Love Again, 78,
Chapter Ten A Love for the Storybooks, 87,
Chapter Eleven Anna: Animosity and the Immaculate Within, 92,
Chapter Twelve The Visit Home, 99,
Chapter Thirteen Dreams, 108,
Chapter Fourteen Understanding, 121,
Chapter Fifteen Love and the Haven of Oneness, 128,
Chapter Sixteen Vulnerability, Misperception and Misunderstanding, 139,
Chapter Seventeen The Beauty of Love, 151,
Chapter Eighteen The Negligible Seed, 157,
Chapter Nineteen The Intimate Reach of the Heart, 163,
Chapter Twenty The Baggage, 170,
Chapter Twenty-One Their Long Awaited SeptemeberMeeting, 177,
Chapter Twenty-Two The Generosity of Love, 187,
Chapter Twenty-Three Love and Endurance, 195,
Chapter Twenty-Four Her Nearing Birthday, 200,
Chapter Twenty-Five A Cloud in Passing, 213,
Chapter Twenty-Six Something Is Amiss, 218,
Chapter Twenty-Seven The December Storm, 231,
Chapter Twenty-Eight Christmas time, 236,
Chapter Twenty-Nine Three Days Until Christmas, 242,
Chapter Thirty The Approaching New Year, 251,
Chapter Thirty-One Love: The Rise and Fall, 262,
Chapter Thirty-Two The Defining Moment: A Beginning or an End?, 273,